kinda cranky with Smitten

so Smitten is going through a rough spot in her life. She has a co-worker who is one of the most annoying/irritating human beings on the planet. no really - i've met her. she is really dimwitted and doesn't get it. get anything. and she is in the same office as Smitten. and she sings to herself and interrupts all the time and argues with Smitten - even though Smitten is ostensibly her supervisor. And doesn't complete her assigned duties. But Smitten's boss won't green-light any action.

This lady was transferred to Smitten's section because this lady was so irritating to all her old co-workers (i have heard this from their mouths). But they won't dispatch this lady because they are a "caring organization" who doesn't fire people because they don't really believe in firing - no matter how slack or incompetent - they believe in working with their staff to improve.

Except Smitten's boss won't let her intervene.

blah, blah, blah

Smitten's Dad is sick and in and out of the hospital. Smitten is somewhat estranged from her Dad and resents having to spend the time arranging for his care. He in essence abandoned her when she was young and Smitten's mother was a mega-cow (my word but a description echoed by all of her children).

Smitten is a little stressed.

that's fine. i can deal with and understand stressed.

the other day she was sending me email about how she is really intolerant of having to look after her dad - especially cleaning his place - and how it was making her mad.

so i said i would get her the details/prices on home-care.

and the response:

"thanks for the suggestions as to how I can fix this issue - however:

"And right now, I think I need to feel the feeling so that I can get over it."

I was not asking for you to fix this for me."

ok - fine

i was trying to be "pro-active" in providing support. i wanted to respond to her stated need to have someone in her life who was prepared to do things under their own motivation. she had a marriage and subsequent relationship with guys that took little initiative. i tried to take initiative.

i extrapolated from things my mother said about my dad "Just look around and see what needs to be done! Why should i have to tell you what needs to be done." I tried to be there for her so that she wouldn't feel alone - that she wouldn't feel like it was "always up to you" and that she "couldn't count on anyone" to be watching out for her

that the end responsibility was always hers

i figured that getting home care quotes - after her stating how much she hated the work it took to do the cleaning and stuff at her dad's would not be interfering with her life. i would get a list. that i would show by action that i was "pro-active" and would take initiative.

well, as you read above - it wasn't taken that way.

it all hit a spot in both of us and took a weekend to settle out (2 weeks ago). we had a discussion the friday evening. i expressed my unhappiness with her response and that she appeared to be toeing a different line that she had given me otherwise.

we talked and she said that while home care might be the ultimate solution, she wasn't prepared to go there right now, and that me presenting research on such an action would sort of preempt her own actions and feelings.

i recognised that sometimes i can encircle people in my life with my ideas and my logic. that they can feel trapped by my solutions and thinking.

having uncovered and explored the circumstances, we agreed to let the issue lie

we were heading back to the groove when we had another email exchange

her:

I am just totally stressed out and am at my max .... I will be fine when I get a few days to rest and not have so many external demands upon me.
I need to get grounded so I can cope better.
Sleep is huge - I have not had decent sleep for 4 weeks in a row.

me:

whatever i can do to help, or to reduce the demands on you, please let me know

i want us to focus on your needs in this next week

i want you to be healthy and feeling good

Smitten's response:

"thanks, I appreciate your offer.
Especially that you gave me an offer, and not a solution."

goddamn i was choked. i tried to let it go, but it didn't go. so the next day i asked:

"i am unsure of your intent with this statement

it feels like a shot/dig but i don't think it is, i'd like to think it isn't

however,

i thought that this issue was left to dry in the sun after our last discussion

i am not sure what you are accomplishing by bringing it up after that last discussion on this matter."

i then re-expressed what i thought was our agreed upon posture toward the issue and ended it with:

"i was trying to be helpful. i try to be helpful. i try to take initiative in our relationship. i try to be respectful or your needs, your space, and your independence. in the previous discussion, i put my pride aside and recognised a pattern and a way of doing things that i have that was causing problems. that my approach was wrong. i dislike being wrong - a lot. but i value my relationship with you. so i tried to approach the issues openly and recognising that i had made a mistake in how i handled the matter of doing the home care inquiries. after our discussion (which took that whole weekend to work through) i thought the issue was closed for the time being.

have i been providing you with solutions again?

what is the point of rubbing it in again?

this feels like you telling me that i need to back off and give you the space to deal with your own issues. or is there some other message you are trying to get across? or some underlying issue that was not dealt with in our previous discussion that remains open? "

Smitten called my cell - she was quite upset. she cried, she said that she worked really hard at not being a person who brought stuff up from the past after things were settled and that she was actually thanking me because i hadn't offered a solution and and that most other people she had talked to had been giving her advice and telling her how to deal with the situation.

i let it go and said that perhaps i had been too hasty to jump to the conclusion that she was making a dig. that my own past was intruding on my interpretive filter.

but i've just got a whole bunch of red flags going up all over the place around this.

stbx-Mrs_C was all nice at first too - she had her periodic flares, but was otherwise nice.

i'm just feeling really uncomfortable with this whole thing with Smitten. i know that part of this has to do with the crap going on in my life. that external stressors are triggering feelings and chemicals in my body that are causing me to use an interpretive filter that is negative. that looks for signs of things like stbx-Mrs_C would be acting

i am telling myself she is not the same person, there have been few other triggers or incidents. she acts differently.

but the fear is real. the fear is so real

Smitten just called and we talked. she could tell from my voice that there is something going on. so i explained it to her.

stbx-Mrs_C would always keep me guessing. i hate that. i hate the dark cloud of impending doom. i never want to do that to someone, and while she might brood or think about what i've said - at least she won't be guessing

i'll see her later and hopefully everything will be ok