some things i'm feeling

this is a time of transition for me - two significant male figures in my life have changed their status and position.

my boss is gone. the consumate operator. we will avenge his parting from the operation, but he will not be back. with his departure we cannot rely on him to deal with all the crap he used to deal with, and we cannot rely on him to protect us.

since it happened the rest of the office is looking to me to fulfil an number of his roles as "protector" and "shark". it is both daunting and liberating. i always felt inadequate to the task. there are a lot of other sharks in this tank. but it's been ok so far.

----

and my Dad.

my dad peed on my office chair last week. i know it's because of his prostrate difficulties, and that he has inadequate control because of the surgery. nerves and muscles cut.

but still

he was always so strong. he's 80 and i need to accept his mortality. he was always towering in my life and my world view. he still is in some senses, but he is a diminished person. i knew he was heading this way already in the fall (and before), but it has become quite apparent now.

it is a loss.

----

i'm quite angry, upset, and hurt by the marital rape accusation. i really can't shake my upset over it. i imgagine it will dull over time, or i will come to terms with it somehow. Smitten wonders whether i should have my lawyer send a letter to her lawyer advising her that i will initiate defamation of character proceedings.

i don't think i can do that given my job. that accusation needs to be contained to the small circle it will circulate in (a few relatives of stbx-Mrs_C).

----

i want a house. i am tired of apartment living.

why?

two issues. i want my daughter back, and i want to do laundry whenever i want to.

i am pissed off that the housing market in my burg has taken off like it has and now i am going to end up paying an inflated price.

----

stbx-Mrs_C is fucking up my children's lives now. i can just see the insidious effects of her poison in their lives as they begin to fail at most of the things they do.

son especially - at school. he's failing. he's missing classes. he's missing a huge number of assignments.

i have to think.

----

i am feeling a level of guilt about the marriage. there are a number of things that i realise now after counselling and reflection that i could have done differently.

if i was perfect...

i am rationalising that i did the best that i could, and that people are rarely fully together or perfect while seeking cover from incoming artillery bombardment.

i am feeling guilt because it looks like the house is going to be sold and each of us will have a new home. the children will lose the house - icon of childhood that it is for them. icon of a "happier" time.

i am feeling guilt because stbx-Mrs_C is already yapping about a couple of decisions she intends to make that i think are wrong-headed and will land her in a worse off situation. she seems to be making decisions based on her fictional reality instead of what is really happening out there.

----

blah, blah, blah