attention Canadian Maritime reader

did you move from Halifax to a neighbouring province?

i still don't know who you are

(you also use a mac and firefox [and that's all i know...])

someday you should say hello - even if only as an anonymous comment

i hereby dub you "Maritimer" if you don't have an ID

3 weeks wait, still pending

three weeks ago i dropped off the draft agreement

three weeks ago she said it looked swell

two weeks ago she said she'd be signing it by that friday

last week i told my lawyer (my lawyer has been a total slackass) to tell stbx and her team that if we didn't have a response by friday we'd be in court

late thursday we get a note saying they'll be with us on monday

got a response today with yet more retarded and bizarre demands

and more attempts to bilk more money out of me

i sent my response to my lawyer for drafting

and wait some more

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more on this tomorrow (maybe)

can it get worse? oh, yes it can...

maybe i'll write more, maybe not

i'm so shellshocked i'm in a stupor

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as part of the review of the statutory rape stuff with daughter there is also a mandatory family and environment review with regard to the minor involved (daughter).

i'm not in any danger

once again, i'm the only sane human being involved in the whole process. so the "authorities" review the situation and conclude that the stbx is nuts, that my children are fucked, but there is nothing they can do because there is one sane person in the picture.

and bad parenting and being a wingnut freak is not something they can do anything about. they can't intervene when the stbx hits daughter, as long as it isn't very much...

they can't order her into counseling because she doesn't pose a "clear danger" to daughter

they can't even officially urge anyone to go to counseling

but they can lump all the case details together and dump it all on me and tell me i need to try to get everyone involved to go for counseling. and try to get them to not be so fucked.

i hate this

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it looks like my idiot son managed to incriminate himself

one of the things that came out in all of this is that there was some sexual interplay between son and daughter in the summer of 2006 when they were on vacation with their mother

(why is it that all the crap seems to happen on her watch, hmmm?)

it was not intercourse and it appears to have been a one time event

but son was 14 and daughter was 10 at the time. so he may get charged.

probably not, but he might

i'm not paying for a defense lawyer if he does. he's 18 (in a week) he can go to legal aid. he would get charged as a minor because the event occurred as a minor.

even though daughter initiated it - self admittedly - he was old enough - there's no excuse.

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i know that shit happens between brothers and sisters sometimes... it's in the fucking bible...

it was a one time event, i'm told

so, i can cope with the event

there is no indication that he was acting in a predatory manner

the police and children's justice have reached that conclusion as well

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there has been a bunch of spill-over behaviours and other shit that now makes sense to me

including son's anger about something that he would never discuss

some of daughter's weird sexually expressive behaviour (hanging out in skimpy bra and panties) around son...

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i am really unsure of how to process all of this

i guess the thing that really infuriates me is that son didn't think through the consequences of his actions when he went to the police

there are spillover consequences for a whole lot of people - this doesn't just affect him or her and spills out in a lot places to a lot of people

this is a small enough community - if word of all of this crap starts to leak out it is going to make life very uncomfortable for everyone - but especially for daughter who still has to go to school...

the rest of us can leave and hide and things

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son is out of control

i had already packed most of his shit

i am packing the last of it

i've asked for my keys back and told him he is not welcome here. not because of what he did with his sister (i still don't have the full details on what went down) but because he is out of control and i don't trust him

he is disloyal;

self-centred;

hypocritical;

self-righteous (without any basis for that righteousness);

and is not a team player.

he is dangerous to have anywhere near me.

i don't want him around. all of this could have been dealt with in counseling and in a softer manner. the police have only some fairly blunt instruments to use - like criminal charges

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he was pressured into reporting this by his cousins

got all worked up and told to be a hero

and then left dangling

without having thought everything through

i believe that the stbx and her sister (cousins' mother) manipulated this set of events. it fits their past actions and profile.

they just had no clue of anything beyond the statutory rape stuff with the older guy

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the police/children's justice would have had to be involved at some level because the counselors would have been legally bound to report it - and so they should - but if it was already in intensive counseling things would have gone a different way...

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i cut off his phone and cut off his gym membership. i will still have to pay them out - $250 to buy out the cell phone contract. another year on the gym at $50 per month - but i can extract some of that value in extra training and benefits for me

daughter still isn't going to exercise

so that's another wasted $50 a month for her membership too

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no good deed goes unpunished

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either i have some serious karmic shit happening to me from a past life...

or, i don't know what

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how does this happen?

really

i'm a nice guy

a really nice guy

how does this happen?

i try to be good and accommodating and nice

and what?

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Smitten says that no-one who gets involved with a person with borderline personality disorder gets out unscathed

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my lesson

the one i have really learned

don't accommodate anyone or anything

my way or the highway

in any situation now, if something strikes me as wrong or not the way i want it i am pushing back

it's a new behaviour

but the whole good christian/socialist/nicey nice thing has just seen people run over me and use me

i've decided that until someone proves themselves to be a thinking human being that conforms to my notions of loyalty and thinking ability...

that i am going to treat them in exactly the manner i would treat a dog

i like dogs

i like dogs a lot

but they are not people

they have their own sense of the universe and most of that sense has to do with who is up and who is down

if one dog allows another dog to steal its food the other dog will

they have a highly defined power hierarchy

and the big dog snarls and kicks the shit out of the others

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you see

there are no points and little respect for being nice

people will treat you the way that you allow them to treat you

and if they think they can push or shove or finagle their own way

they will

without regard for what happens to you

without regard for you

and if you are always generous and accommodating - they will perceive it as weakness

and treat you as weak

and treat you without respect

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no more

august, september, october pics

the above is Tony Bennett. yes - the Tony Bennett - as taken from my cell phone (Tony is the standing/singing figure). got free tickets, went to see him with Smitten the other night. a good reminder of what life and its trials and tribulations has beaten out of us. we are going to try to do more fun things and have more fun.

and less burden...


a previous attempt at living - a sunday afternoon jazz session at a little cafe in small artsy town near our city


a meal like we eat together

the yams and the plate on the right are smitten's - her dietary limitations continue. we don't know what to do. but this one allergist thinks they might have an idea.

she's down to being able to eat about 9 things - on a good day... she gets pain pretty much any time she eats anything


my vitamins

when i was 13 (like my daughter is now) i never imagined i'd be 44 sitting in an apartment by myself counting out my vitamins because i have a stress disorder because of my psychotic ex...

there were more porsches and beaches and private jets

at least i have the hot babe girlfriend part of my adolescent fantasy ;-P


(picture posted with permission)

We both like this pic because of the contrast, and even the graininess of the picture

Smitten's groovy dual screen set-up in her home office. It's hard to believe this lady was anti-computer 3 and a bit years ago. Now she has 3 laptops among the 5 computers now in her house (she will be ditching one of the desktops with her most recent acquisition of a laptop for her daughter (she also has an additional work laptop...)

I had arrived at Smitten's place one night a few weeks ago with cold beer and several bottles of wine (unfortunately she can't drink wine for the time being - trial and error has shown that she can tolerate a few ales, gin, and Glennfiddich 12 year...). She was just wearing underwear and a t-shirt and I decided it was time to nibble on her leg to tease her. She was doing research on her computer. I wandered out after spending some time nibbling... when I arrived back she had changed into the above outfit to tease and bait me in return.

It was very warm, so I decided to lie down on the hardwood floor (a cool place with a good view) and was inspired to take a few cell phone pics from that vantage point.

Please keep in mind, these pictures were just what they were - not intended for posting - just farting about with a cell phone and having some fun. Now shared with friends.

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being mindful of the four pillars is one of our goals that we have renewed

hence Tony Bennett, hence Sunday jazz

return to living a life of joy

stuff

they are going to charge the two guys that daughter got together with (on separate occasions...). they are waiting until a more senior detective gets back to do some more stuff on the case.

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2 sessions of the eating disorder group so far

had an epiphany

the leaders asked us to do some free-association with words - pumpkin pie, broccoli, raw oysters, turkey and so on. my word - really, this is true - the word that popped up with every food except for raw oysters (sex) was "mom"

the group leader (my co-worker) said - alright then - i think this shows some continuity, [cadbury]

they did an exercise where we were supposed to identify triggers for eating. examples were things like watching a movie, thanksgiving, celebration and such, bad day, "deserve a treat". none of the triggers that the others identified did anything for me. the rest of the group is women. all the triggers worked for them. not for me.

so i thought "when do i binge?"

when i am hungry AND after having to remain in control and even keeled for an extended duration. when i'm weak and frustrated.

then there was an exercise about how food is used. for example to soothe a child.

the leader asked "what elese could we do for that child?". someone said "hold them", "give them a hug"

all of a sudden out of my mouth pops the sarcastic and loudly stated:

"I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'D DO ANYTHING. WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST SAY "SUCK IT UP", GET OVER IT. GET YOUR HEAD SCREWED ON STRAIGHT. STOP SNIVELLEING. WHY AREN'T YOU DOING SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT? LIKE BUILDING A STRUCTURE OR A MULTI-STORY BUILDING OR SOMETHING? wouldn't that be more effective?"

(i don't believe any of the above and have never practiced it)

the lady sitting next to me says "i agree with him. just tell them to suck it up"

i said "uh, that's not my opinion - it's my dad's"

and then it all started to come together

and i realised

control
discipline
duty
order
responsibility
don't cry
don't shirk
what is the use of play when there's work to be done?

Dad

food
love

Mom

just when it can't get any better

[i've been trying to write this since friday... but it just won't come out]

my son goes to the police and reports the statutory rape of his sister (you remember Plan B...?) when daughter(13) the 18 year old dude come into her room on that july sunday morning and have sex with her...

he doesn't tell me he's doing this - he's asked about it, but not said he was going to do it. i had told him what happened when i called in about it - when the police wouldn't take my report and said i had to go talk to a lawyer first...

he texts me to ask me what day it happened. i won't answer because i don't want him to shit on his sister more. then he texts me he's in the middle of filing a police report

anyway - lousy narrative here - but i am having such problems typing this

he files. i ask him what he wanted to accomplish, and what he expected this to do, and how he sees his move playing out.

he doesn't have any answer except that this might make his sister stop - as he calls it: "whoring around" - and that it would put fear into any older teens that might think about banging her.

i cannot even begin to describe how much danger there is to inviting the police and social services to come investigate your lives unless you are fucking mary poppins.

anyway - the detective interviewed me friday. it went ok - he seems intent on only dealing with the statutory rape issue. we'll see how social services deals with the situation.

he interviewed daughter on saturday

i talked to the detective today. everything is going ok for now.

i am very worried about daughter. she has gone silent and distant.

i think she's numb - can't accept this adult outcome

she was always ambivalent about her actual sexual activities - even if she thought she really wanted them and thought about sex all the time

and now the two guys have been charged. both over 18.

this on top of all of son's other erratic behaviour, i am quite concerned. i intend to ask for his keys back. i have just dismantled the bunk bed. her will not be moving back in until i see serious behaviour changes and i believe i can trust him again

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there is so much more to say on all this, but i am so stunned and overwhelmed and fucked over by all this i just can't formulate the words