the writing muse isn't hitting me so much right now - i am kind of exhausted - physically and emotionally
this whole "personal growth" thing can be full of shit at times... sometimes i'm sick of it - i don't want to grow, or analyse, or be self aware... i get tired
the weekend camping with Smitten was really great - i felt very alive
work is a lot of pressure - meeting deadlines to prepare for the conflict.... research, ad/literature content, strategy
stbx-Mrs_C is completely jerking my leash - i don't expect a settlement until next year. therefore no house, therefore i do not expect to have my daughter back until then...
had breakfast with Dad to discuss the house help thing. Mom and Dad essentially want to put my life in trusteeship for the period of time that i would be in any house that they would help me buy. i am declining Dad's offer of help. i have no interest in reviewing my finances or monthly spending with them/him. i hated it when they.he supported me during university and i sure as hell am not going to humiliate myself or reduce myself to that situation again.
daughter can either choose to live with me or not. i will not put my self in that situation so she can have her own room 6 months earlier...
there was a bump with Smitten that is sorted out - far too much detail required to explain in a short post - but it left me a little jumpy this week. she has felt bad that i was worried, but that's just a result of me reacting to my previous marriage, not Smitten
went to the exhibition/fair with my kids - dinner - fun - rides - thrills
went to the beach with kids and Smitten and her kids - had fun - everybody got along. had a short formal discussion of rules and expectations for joint holiday period in a couple of weeks - that worked really well for my kids to feel that they were being respected in the whole assignation of roles/boundaries.
there was problems with Bob the boyfriend when he went with stbx-Mrs_C and the kids. respect issues.
people (in stores for example) would say things like "you'll have to ask your Dad" (referring to Bob) and he would not correct them - his little family fantasy in my opinion - and him not correcting the people really bugged my kids - also Bob actually yelled at son at one point - and was starting to be the discipline messenger boy for the stbx
Smitten and I formally addressed issues of role and responsibilities and supervision and adult direction on the trip
the kids said they thought it was little redundant - that they already knew the things we said, but i think it was really important to define it in advance
did an all nighter with son last night - went to a computer gaming place and played supreme commander in a midnight madness special deal until 8 AM
when Dad called for breakfast at 9:40 AM (it's a holiday here today) - that was a little early
more later - no muse - need sleep
“All I want is for the baby to be healthy!”
1 year ago
6 comments:
I feel the lack of the writing muse also. I think we are both busy living life instead of writing about it. Hopefully it will hit us soon.
Cad, you are currently sitting in a place I like to call...The Shit Valley. Hate those. Hate em a lot. And mine is about to begin with this weekend.
But...it gets better. That's the good news. Bad news is...you apt to fall into the damnable thing again when you're least expecting it. Well, that's how it is in my world anyway.
the muse is gone for me too.
wassup with that?!
oh yeah, i discovered facebook and cannot get out of there...
addictive, I swear.
I like that you and smitten had 'the talk' with the kids. great idea. my kids aren't quite that old yet - but i do it with my young baby sitters all the time - and preface it with - "i know you already know this - but i need to say it out loud." That way i don't bruise their teenage ego's while at the same time getting the message out there...
works every time. Plus, no one can come back and say, "you never told me that."
hang in there babe. the muse will return.
There's no 'personal growth' schedule that you must adhere to, Cad. If you're constantly aware of your personal growth, than you're not really growing, in my opinion.
Lighten up on yourself.
Good stance on the house thing re: both parents and daughter. Have you told them how you feel about the strings that they've placed on their offer?
And I get the feeling that daughter will capitulate on her stance. I'm thinking she's looking for a boundary here. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that, if you explain to her that you will get the house on YOUR timetable, not hers, she might change her views.
Or not.
What the hell do I know anyhow?
yeharr
Pirate: i'm not on a personal growth schedule, but certainly a personal growth regime - just like i get sick of fucking bell peppers on my diet, or hate going to the gym sometimes, i have a plan to alter my behaviours and my worldview
it requires some level of constant awareness and monitoring. perhaps it is holding me back, perhaps not.
and yeah - my demands for meeting personal expectations are likely a little excessive - but like that fly bumping the glass - i can see my goal very clearly
i haven't told my Dad what i am feeling there. i said that i didn't feel it would work because of the likely timeline on the settlement with the stbx. i will likely tell him sometime that i found that level of oversight to be unacceptable, but will bide my time.
i'm within easy gazing distance of the edge financially.
i rely on my parents for my back-up - if my vehicle experiences a major failure/needs replacing or something really fucks up financially i don't want to burn that bridge... their oversight would be better than a bankruptcy trustee...
i told her last night that i wasn't likely going to be getting the house until spring because the settlement wasn't soon in coming and she said something about shee could come stay at the apartment - but that conversation didn't go much further before she was talking about something else
and yeah - my demands for meeting personal expectations are likely a little excessive - but like that fly bumping the glass - i can see my goal very clearly
And like that fly, you can keep banging away, or, you can choose a different way.
A big--no, HUGE--part of my own personal growth is learning to go easy on myself. To learn that I don't have to always be on a constant internal vigil. To stop listening to the 'itty bitty shitty committee' in my head. To learn that if I miss a day, or skip something, that it's OK, and I'll resume.
This personal growth shit is hard, and no one gets it right the first time, or the second, or third. If you can't stand bell peppers any more, then find something else that works. If hitting the same machines at the gym is driving you nuts, then find a different machine. Or do something else entirely.
I understand the drive to do well, to change. But forced change is not true change. Or, as my friend Mike put it: "Slow growth is good growth.'
I'm pulling for ya!
yeharr
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