not a bribe...

on friday i picked son and daughter up at the house.

they came barreling out like they often do when they are leaving with me for any period of time. they are always running to my vehicle like it's their getaway car idling outside the bank.

they pile in and are all "she's nuts. let's get out of here." or similar comments. their mom always goes weird in the moments as they are leaving.

you will recall my discussions about the stbx's bizarre and desperate attempts to intervene and stop me from going exercising, or from taking a break from a gazillion hour discussion in the garage, or even leaving for work on days when she had some "abandonment" vibe going on.

well it's the same thing with the kids heading out the door. their mother was hot and cold, angry and weepy and sarcastic and "supportive", all within seconds of each other for the whole period until i got there to pick the kids up. in the few minutes before they left she was all mad at daughter - and son by extension. you see, i drive up and give a tiny tap on the horn to let them know i am there. i do not like to go into the house or even to the door because the stbx has made that a seriously hostile zone. sometimes she would answer the door and start spazzing on me. if i'm in my vehicle i have an additional layer of armor for her to have to get through. even if there have been times she has come out and started bagging at me through the window - even yelling down the driveway as i'm pulling out (with the kids in the back seat... or not [sometimes - she usually likes an audience for her displays]). also it's colder than hell in the frozen wasteland and i don't feel like getting out of my vehicle if i don't have to. i also hate standing around and waiting, and my kids are inevitably delayed or slow.

this time daughter told me her mom was "fine. leave. go." all cold and rejecting and harsh. and then in the seconds before daughter was going out the door, she goes all weepy and starts crying and says "aren't you even going to give me a hug?" and opens her arms. emotional instability, guilt, leash jerking, and getting even a few seconds more of control over the situation by using the other person's feelings and common decency against them.

[brother-in-law once told me (in the 2 weeks after i left the house) that all you have to do is just ignore their (his wife [stbx's sister], and the stbx, and the other sisters, and the mother-in-law) antics and do whatever you want. i told him that's not how i wanted to live my life, and that did not match my view of how marriages or relationships were supposed to work. he said "then i can see how you let her do it to you"]

that's why the kids fly out of their mother's house like they are running in a prison break.

we pulled away. i quizzed them on whether they were hungry on an immediate basis and they said no. i drove to my first destination - a gaming store. as we arrived son saw where i had parked and said "Hey [daughter], I think I see a bribe in your immediate future."

I explained that this was not a bribe.

I have bribed in the past. I usually declare bribes openly. It makes life easier if I ever need to discuss the implicit understandings of a bribe/quid-pro-quo openly - if the bribe and the nature of the understanding are explicit - then there can be no hidden hurt feelings and less potential for misunderstanding. I have bought books and clothes and other stuff in the past as bribes. I have covered for their mistakes and undone deeds as well. I have described them openly as bribes or "cheesy attempts to gain favour and/or advance my personal agenda." I am thoroughly consistent.

I explain my agendas and intentions and even my tactics in detail to people i am attempting to influence or manipulate. Often including the descriptor "I am attempting to manipulate you with the following intent and projected outcome". Even in my job when i am supposed to be "spinning" the media, i just tell them the spin and it's intent - it is a source of much amusement. i am however, always taken seriously, and nobody particularly mistakes what i say for bullshit. I haven't the time, energy, or inclination to try to be subtle about anything - polite - sensitive - perhaps a little overexplained - but never subtle. I usually get my way (i have usually predicted/anticipated the needs of the other person and melded that into my plan/agenda already), and no one - except for the stbx - has ever accused me of being furtive or devious. My openness was a significant disadvantage in dealing with the stbx... she always knew where i was coming from and where i was going.

the gaming store stop was not a bribe.

we went inside and i told the kids we were getting a factory refurbished PS2 (cheaper) and some used games. you see at christmas time when we were searching for stuff for my nephews i had realised how cheap all the PS2 games were. i eventually ended up paying full price (mutter, mutter) for a PS3 game because my brother had bought them a PS3 for christmas (i found out when i went to confirm whether they had the PS2 game i was going to buy). i tried to buy my brother's old PS2 from him, but he wasn't prepared to give up his investment base in the PS2 at that point.

i had decided then, a month earlier that i would buy a PS2. i explained to the kids that i had chosen to get it that day because daughter had made the choice to come back, and that one of her previous complaints was that it was boring at the apartment and she had nothing to do - son had his computer, but daughter had nothing but TV and books - options that were less than at the house. i explained that i desired to make the place more friendly and accommodating to her renewed residence at the apartment. and that by buying an older system, the overall cost of ownership (especially the games - $5-$10-$15 instead of $40-$50-$60-$70) would be lower than buying a new system (their desire) - and if they didn't like it they could lump it.

they accepted that explanation. or seemed to. the PS2 was declared "not a bribe" and it was so.

after a short stop at my parents and at a bookstore near their place we proceeded to the all-you-can-eat sushi place. i told them that this stop was half bribe/half celebration. they wanted to know how it was bribing. i explained that by going to interesting places to eat instead of the rather mundane/standard cuisine of their mother's choice, that i hoped that time spent in my company would be perceived as more exciting and would offer the possibility of more new experiences instead of the litany of same-old, same-old that their mother offered (one of their complaints about her, her family, and boyfriend bob).

i went on to explain how it was an example of good political positioning. by playing to natural strengths (my positives) and their complaints (negatives) about the "opposition" - i was reinforcing their desire to spend time with me. they laughed. i then went on to give examples of such positioning in the last local election and of how that was playing out in the various primaries occurring now in the U.S.

daughter told me that her mother had said to her "Oh, and I was going to take you for sushi for your birthday. He stole my idea." (yes - really - a quote) at the moment that stbx found out that I was taking daughter out for sushi (discussed in been walkabout) to celebrate her birthday a couple of weeks previous. both kids noted that their mother has refused to make (or allow to be cooked at her house) fish other than batter covered highliner out of the box stuff in the last year and a half since i left. they called bullshit. they also noted that their mother has never discussed sushi except after one of the times i took them and she had disparaging things to say about fish and fish smell.

for the record - except for the eel - sushi and sashimi don't smell. now, the stbx has an almost magical sense of smell (yes - that good), so maybe things are different for her.

(there are people who genetically have a way superior sense of smell. it is theorized that having this ability in small numbers of the total population would be advantageous in a hunter-gatherer survival sense because these people would be able to smell spoilage and such - sort of an early warning system)

anyway - we finished supper, went home and set up the new PS2. only one game out of five worked...

we exchanged the console the next day for a new one.

and it still wasn't a bribe.

daughter's home

this last friday from 3:30pm until about 5pm was perhaps one of the worst periods of my life. maybe an exaggeration, but it was pretty bad either way.

you see, son had called me to tell me that he was going to be hanging out at his mom's place after school - last friday was switchover day between the houses. he wanted to play some game on his mom's computer that the computer's at my place won't run (not new enough). so he wasn't going to go straight to my place after school (he no longer has to pack anything because i have bought him enough clothes and stuff that he is fully equipped at both places).

i asked him whether his sister was ready. he said no - she was out with her mom. he didn't think she was going to be coming over on friday - maybe on saturday. i was flattened. rugged yanked out. in a daze. sick to my stomach (almost puked).

all of those things.

i had built myself up that daughter was really coming back. that she would really be starting to live with me half time again. it's been a long year without her. the couple of weekends and holidays and the sunday morning brunches and stuff just haven't nourished my soul enough.

[flashback]
Daughter spent time at my place over christmas. she spent another weekend at the beginning of january. with her mom fighting it all the way.

daughter had said that she would be coming back. she was supposed to be back two weeks ago, but her mom had allowed her to have a big birthday sleepover, and daughter said she needed to be there to clean and make the place ready or her mom would freak on her (sound familiar?).

daughter was supposed to come over for just the weekend nights and then spend the weekdays at her mom's that week - but mom put the kibosh on that plan by freaking out, laying out heavy bribes, and promoting another sleepover with one of daughter's friends. daughter chose that. pain avoidance and a sleepover. i was disappointed, but lived through it. daughter said that as soon as the birthday was done she would come to stay - that she just didn't want to do anything that would mess up her birthday party - not just making her mom cancel it, but recognising that her mom acting like a stormcloud would ruin her birthday as well - daughter is smart enough about her mom to know that her mother can ruin a day in any number of ways.

on thursday night i phoned over to the house to ask daughter if everything was on track for friday.

the stbx answered. she said "[daughter]'s busy right now. i'll have her call you."

daughter called back a little bit later. i asked daughter if she was free to talk. she said "just a minute, i'll take it on the upstairs phone."

she told me that she had just told her mother that she was for sure staying at my place for the next week. her mother had a complete meltdown all over daughter. said that it was "short notice" and that daughter was "springing this on her" and that it was rude to do tell her just the day before (daughter later remembered that she had told her mother on monday as well).

daughter began to cry on the phone. she wept "i don't know what to do". i told her i wished i was there to hold her. that i knew it must be terribly hard for her, and that i was sorry that she had to be in such a position, and that i would support her no matter what her decision was. and that even if it wouldn't be a good idea to give in to her mother because it would just encourage the freak-outs, that i would understand if she wanted to avoid the short-term pain and decided to split the difference and stay less days at my place. that i didn't want to put any pressure on her - that i knew that was impossible because even discussing the topic of where she would stay was putting pressure on her - but that i wanted it to be as little as possible and as free from recrimination and upset or making daughter feel bad as i could possibly make it.

i kept repeating that whatever her decision was, i would support it. that even if we had to saw off things now to avoid pain, and that even if it made it more drawn out, that i understood that there was only so much that daughter could take - and that sometimes longer drawn out pain is more tolerable than overwhelming short term incidents.

i told daughter i loved her and that i would support her and continue to love her and do whatever i could for her whatever she decided.

we ended the call and it seemed she would still be coming over on friday - but it was still up in the air a little
[/flashback]

back to friday. no matter what the conversation above, it was still a terrible blow to think that she wasn't coming. that the stbx had done it AGAIN. that by freaking out and being an asshole and playing all the emotional games - the anger, the guilt, the crying, the bribes, the everything - stbx had gotten her way - one more time. it was a blow that i wouldn't have my girl back. to just hang out together.

you see daughter and i have done plenty of "dates"

that is what Smitten described them as. she talked about the divorced men she would see (both in a professional psychologist sense and just in her world) who would get their kids for visitation. Dad time was play time. there was no parenting time. no hanging out time. it was a party a minute when it was Dad time because Dad's would be trying to make it the best "quality" time they could.

and Smitten was right. daughter would dress up to impress me. i would try to be shaved and presentable. i would dress in "hip" and fashionable clothes to make her think i was cool. i would make sure i had new music and cool music to share with her. we would do fun - frankly - "date like" things.

Smitten was not criticising - she was observing. she was putting up a warning flag. both for our relationship, and for daughter's developmental progress. daughter associating men and positive male contact with strictly "dating" and "dating scenarios" could put undo expectations on future men in her life. it could warp normal views and relations with men - yes, there is documentation for such conclusions in various journals and publications.

yeah - that's one of the drawbacks to being half-assed self-aware and of dating a psychologist. you have to think about shit like this.

on friday daughter called me as i was leaving work. she told me she was in fact coming to stay for the week.

i was deliriously happy. i was still wrenched at a gut level - the emotion hadn't left me yet. i called Smitten on the way home to tell her how things had worked out (she had called at about 4:30 on her way home). i was able to get past a decent bit of the way i was feeling by the time i picked the kids up.

i was so very happy to have my daughter home.

laundry tips for guys

you know how when you're folding clothes, you sometimes give them a bit of a whip/crack downward to get the wrinkles out?

if you are doing that with an item with a buckle on it - while wearing pajamas

watch that buckle doesn't nail you in the 'nads

you're welcome

i'm tired

i have been working our pretty much every day for the last month

i'm tired

i have been snoring more

this is keeping Smitten awake when we sleep together. i have told her to wake me and get me to change positions. she does, but i become paranoid that i will snore and don't sleep well.

i think i just need to sleep more than my usual 6 hours. i think that all the exercise demands it.

yeah - i know it's not very exciting as posts go, but i'm tired and uninspired.

my alternative post for today was about the all you can eat sushi place we went to yesterday...

Pulitzer here i come!

maybe i won't suck at posting tomorrow

some good things about my new life

in no particular order:

1) i went to upstate new york on a wine tour last fall
2) i have a woman in my life that loves me
3) i love her
4) she wants to have sex with me
5) constantly
6) she says that this was never part of her life before - she had written off sexuality as being an "also ran" until she met me
7) she has discovered she is multi-multi-orgasmic
8) she thinks i am physically sexy
9) she thinks i am emotionally, mentally, and personality sexy
10) she tells her friends the above as well (and they tease me about it) so it is probably all true (it all appears to be true from my vantage point - but my capacity for self delusion has been substantial in the past)
11) i am in the best shape of my life (even if not completely healthy yet)
12) i am telling people to "get stuffed" pretty regularly
13) they are taking it
14) we had a christmas party with more than just family
15) people actually came to this year's christmas party
13) they are still raving about how great it was - unsolicited
14) my girlfriend didn't wear underwear at the party - just garters and stockings under her little black dress
15) i make more money than i ever have in the past
16) i feel stronger and more confident than ever before
17) i have been to a bunch of really cool concerts this year
18) more concerts in the last 18 months than in the last 20 years
19) i travel to other cities to see concerts
20) i (we) go away for the weekend on whim
21) i seem to be able to balance my personal budget without oversight and seem to have more money left over at the end than before
22) i seem to be able to get marginally ahead, pay down debt, and do the cool things i want to do
23) i get to pick out my own clothes
24) i am considered fashionable, even by the younger hotties around that use me as an example of how you can be in your 40s and not be a schlep
(did you know that schlep is actually in the firefox built in dictionary? i didn't even have to add it to my personal.dic [personal.dic always kills me for completely adolescent reasons - my guess is that it is another computer guy with the same sense of humour that first coined that filename])
25) i get to buy all the music i want
26) a large cross section of young people in my life think my taste in music is really cool (and want to go through my collection for their own [of course i am not talking about copying here - that would be illegal])
27) my kids and their friends think i am cool - and say so - except when they tell me i'm lame - well - that my jokes are lame
28) i'm not really trying to be cool - i'm just engaging in life with a relatively "fuck you, i'll do what i want" attitude - and it turns out to be apparently cool - not that i would change if it wasn't, because i was ok with not being cool too - it's just the validation is nice
29) i am getter better at being a dancer
(the down side is that the instructors [it's a club/society so they are in it for the love of dance, not money - volunteers] are paying extra attention to me and i am getting a little extra defensive - even if they are telling me it's because they see aptitude. Smitten is already a dancer so learning the moves and stuff is way easier for her. she is also used to the whole instructor critique thing. i'm just defensive about criticism - i'm trying, i'm doing well, leave me alone - let me practice and get more comfortable before you put the demand on me to get better - it's all way out of my comfort zone - but i am persisting)
30) i have been invited to social events
31) my daughter is looking like she'll be coming back soon

clock battery back-up

yeah

called the house today

last day for my son to get an assignment in that will make or break his mark in this particular class - it will also be one of the marks that will make or break his ability to get into a special multimedia program after high school.

he's not with me. he's at the stbx's house. i still have to get him out of bed. i don't do it as much this year after i drew the line in the sand with him and the stbx. but occasionally.

like today.

today i actually had to wake all of them up. it seems there was a power failure last night. i'm told two of them. seems the stbx doesn't have a battery in the clock radio anymore. she used it for something else.

just like she used to do before i left. just like she used to do with the smoke detector and the carbon monoxide alarm.

except i'm not there to give a shit anymore. so she's late for work, and son makes me 45 minutes late for work because he's way behind.

what an asshat. both of them. i'm really not the most anal retentive person in the world - even if it sounds like it sometimes - but i do know a few things. one is that it's really important to have fresh batteries in the detectors and the clocks.

oh,

and that it's important to dig out snow pants on a day when it's fucking minus fifty-one degrees. even for a boy who's sixteen. because he's too much of an asshole to think of it himself or even to dig them out himself. because he waits for the bus outside, sometimes for up to 15 minutes - which, at fucking minus fifty-one degrees, is a really long time.

but then i discover this morning, the stbx thought it was really weird that i should phone her last night and ask her to get out snow pants for both children, and to make sure they had scarves to cover their faces against the wind.

when son suggested i was a caring father, she repeated that she thought it was weird - especially related to my sixteen year old son. son pints out that she does lots of things pre-emptively as a concerned parent. she says "that's because i'm your mother". son asks her if only mothers are allowed to perform caring acts.

she says "well, he never did before. i think he's just doing this to make a point to me - to suggest i'm not a good parent." son tells her she's full of shit. she pouts.

----

son's bedroom is being painted. for the last month or more... son has been sleeping on the couch. son wants to go to bed at 9pm because he is tired (son wanting to sleep before fucking midnight is a rare thing and should be encouraged). wife and son's friend (who is still living there) won't get off the couch from watching TV for 2 hours. son plays computer games because stbx won't let him sleep on the upstairs couch.

son is tired as a dog in the morning

----

fuck

been walkabout

"Walkabout is an Australian pidgin (or perhaps quasi-pidgin) term referring to the belief that Australian Aborigines "go walkabout" at the age of thirteen in the wilderness for six months as a rite of passage. They then trace the path of the ceremonial ancestors of their tribe, following the exact route that those ancestors took, and imitating in a fashion, their heroic deeds. These paths are known as the Songlines." - wikipedia

----

"Songlines are an ancient cultural concept, meme and motif perpetuated through oral lore and singing and other storytelling modalites such as dance and painting. Songlines are an intricate series of song cycles that identify landmarks and subtle tracking mechanisms for navigation. These songs often evoke how the features of the land were created and named during the Dreaming. The Dreaming Spirits as they travelled across the Earth, created and named trees, rocks, waterholes, animals and other natural phenomena. Molyneaux & Vitebsky (2000, p.30) augment further: the Dreaming Spirits "...also deposited the spirits of unborn children and determined the forms of human society." Therefore, establishing tribal law and totemic paradigms.

By singing the songs in the appropriate sequence, indigenous peoples could navigate vast distances (often travelling through the deserts of Australia's interiority)." - wikipedia

----

been singing the songs of the old ones

i've been singing new songs

i won't be able to give you a chronological narrative of the passage of my life since last september/october

i'll just have to make references as appropriate

just pick up where things are now

----

i've been walkabout

i've been singing the songs of my ancestors

fighting the election and it's aftermath

the election is long since done

my friends have long since been fired from their jobs with the change in administration

others of my friends are only being found and fired now

my family has been here many times before

i'm physically working in roughly the same office my father worked in in the late '60s when he was roughly the same age as i am now... fighting as opposition staff against another right wing government with the same kind of agenda as the new one

"Songlines are an intricate series of song cycles that identify landmarks and subtle tracking mechanisms for navigation. These songs often evoke how the features of the land were created and named during the Dreaming"

i am now keeper of the library. having been surrounded by the old ones most of my life, and having heard and knowing most of their stories, i have the longest corporate memory of any of the people left fighting the battles.

"They then trace the path of the ceremonial ancestors of their tribe, following the exact route that those ancestors took, and imitating in a fashion, their heroic deeds."

----

it was my daughter's 12th birthday recently. i was able to celebrate it with her, sort of.

her birthday was on days with her mother (daughter has begin spending some days/nights at my place again).

a week prior to her birthday i booked a tatami room at a local Japanese restaurant. the six of us went - Smitten and I, her two children, and my two.

we ordered much food. spent about $275.00 on the evening - about $100.00 more than i originally intended, but i decided to order some saki and beer for Smitten and I and let the kids go nuts on ordering. when you are going out for an evening like this you don't nickel and dime, and i'm able to afford it. i couldn't do it regularly, but it was ok.

the kids were able to order raw squid and octopus and whatever they had the whim to try. Smitten kid's are less versed (actually a bit of pain in the ass about food) than mine in non-north american cuisine, but they were in there like a dirty shirt too.

Smitten is always surprised at her kid's reaction when i take them out for different foods. her kids will try pretty much anything when i'm around - not otherwise. i'm either a good or a bad influence, i guess.

having the private room was good with Smitten's daughter being there - she is 9 and a real go girl - plenty of energy.

we had a very pleasant time over several hours at the restaurant. Smitten's daughter declared she wanted to do it again.

my daughter said to me later "That was awesome!"

----

daughter and i have been getting closer again

she is starting to stay with me and phone me regularly again. she is getting to the point where she may be able to break free of her mother's clutches.

her mother has pulled out all the stops - talking about suicide or just leaving the kids - just leaving town

those and many other histrionics

i had my lawyer send a letter to her lawyer telling the stbx to stop it.

but that is all another post

the grey skies outside

It's the tears that still surprise me the most. When they'll just surface. I have to control myself when i'm around other people, or at the office. I don't want someone to walk in and find me all red-eyed... especially if it's a member of the press that has popped by to talk to me for whatever reason (yes - that happens on a regular basis).

The tears.

They'll just come out. Music. Smells. Moments. A sudden memory.

I try not to hold them in too much.

It happens mostly in the van when i'm driving somewhere - often when i'm driving back to my apartment after exercise. The physical release of the exercise - music - that i've been thinking for about 2 hours straight. I try not to dwell on the past, but it's sort of a contemplative time. I focus on my exercise - on being in tune with my body.

The dopamine from having run for an hour and a half and pushing myself on the weights.

Tears

They'll just come out.

Like a few minutes ago.

I was searching for references to tears and crying in my previous posts. Mostly because I didn't want to use the same opening line as a previous post (sorry - the professional writer in me still surfaces even when it doesn't matter).

I read these words from last year's Valentine's post:

"And then the last item. A child's valentine with our names on it. My eyes began to tear. That was the first "valentine" I had ever received from a female. Certainly cards as an adult, but never one of those valentine cards."

I just made the arrangements for this year's valentine's evening. I asked Smitten if i could ask her out for Valentine's on our way to dance lessons last night (she said yes :-) yes to both - me asking her, and her going with me)

I've got us booked a little bistro in the trendy part of town. It's where we went for new year's last year (06/07). The one i wanted to take her to is closed for renovations and won't be open again until Feb 1 - so made this reservation. Made sure that I modified the menu so that it would match Smitten's tolerances. Things like switching desert from their amazing chocolate brownie (milk and wheat...) to a champagne sorbet - blah, blah, blah.

but back to tears and back to emotion.

i'm very much smitten with this woman. very much in love.

i re-read our online dating profiles (how we met) and our first messages again yesterday. i saved them. i still have our emails as well. I will be putting them together in a book for her someday. i was thinking i might do it for this Valentine's day.

I was struck by the consistency in what each of us wanted then and what we still want now.

i was going to cite a few examples, but the writing muse has left me for the moment - so i will post this and perhaps discuss consistency another day

gloves

you know something that pisses me off?

gloves

my children's gloves to be exact. or more exactly, their lack of gloves at my stbx-wife's house.

i went to pick son up this morning to drive him to school. he comes out without his gloves. i send him back to get them.

he can't find them. his mother is up and she can't find them either. they can't seem to find any gloves.

when i left that house there was a box full of gloves and mitts for every occasion. in sizes to fit each member of the household. in different colours. some were brand new and were in the big plastic container just as spares. along with spare scarves and touques.

you see, my kids were forever losing their gloves. mine kept disappearing because the stbx would always steal mine whenever she lost hers because my gloves were always where i put them - oddly enough, in my goddamned coat pocket.

my kids were forever leaving them at school. my stbx was leaving them at work, at her sister's and at her mother's. then, her mother and her sister, were to cheap to buy their own fucking gloves, would wear the gloves that i had bought for my family and when challenged would proclaim them as their gloves. in fact one time, the stbx took my gloves and left them at her sister's. when i saw her sister wearing them a week or two later i mentioned (very mildly and very politely) that they were mine. her sister insisted that she had bought them... until i pointed out that the gloves had a little tag on the inside that said [my first name]. you see i was sick of my stbx stealing my gloves and insisting they were hers, or giving them to my son because she couldn't be bothered to go downstairs to the box of spare gloves - mine were always handy in the closet in my pocket. anyway, my mom has a sewing machine that does letters and made me some tags to sew in. sister-in-law looked, and they indeed had my name inside. wife and sister-in-law got all huffy.

wife ripped me a new asshole after her sister left for embarrassing her sister, and why couldn't i just leave it alone... blah, blah, blah

and

now...

now somehow they don't have any gloves in that house anymore.

did i mention that i have spare gloves for myself and each kid at my apartment? and that i carry spare gloves and touques in my vehicle for the times they inevitably forget?

assholes

i should let them fucking freeze sometime

it just pisses me off. i have never lost a pair of gloves. or a touque. myself, that is.

historically they have managed to lose them in a single day - sometimes in less than an hour. sometimes i would go over to the school and just go pick up all the shit my children had lost at school. one time i found a pair of my missing leather gloves at the school - when i inquired i found out stbx had given them to son (as described above).

yeah

my blood pressure is up.

breathe in

breathe in

exhale

repeat

did i mention that the same thing would happen with my stbx-wife's keys? i used to have to keep spares of all their fucking keys around because she could never put her keys in a consistent place. like her pocket, or on the fucking little rack of key hooks right by the entrance door. i forgive the kids to an extent, but she's a goddamned adult.

recently she was missing her car keys for two weeks. then son put on one of his spare coats and found her keys in it, you see she would wear his coats and go outside and smoke because she would have put her coat somewhere other than, oh, maybe the closet in the fucking front entrance - and so she wore his coat. and he wouldn't wear it because it smelled like cigarette smoke. and so her keys were missing for two weeks because she's too much of an asshat to keep her shit together [uncharitable expletive loaded descriptions of stbx deleted from this spot].

son has only lost one set of my apartment keys to date. he thinks they are in his room at the house...

gloves

fuck

mutter

Sing for the Moment

Eminem: Sing for the Moment - WikiPedia



These ideas are nightmares to white parents
Whose worst fear is a child with dyed hair and who likes earrings
Like whatever they say has no bearing, it's so scary in a house that allows
no swearing
To see him walking around with his headphones blaring
Alone in his own zone, cold and he don't care
He's a problem child
And what bothers him all comes out, when he talks about
His fuckin' dad walkin' out
Cause he just hates him so bad that he blocks him out
If he ever saw him again he'd probably knock him out
His thoughts are whacked, he's mad so he's talkin' back
Talkin' black, brainwashed from rock and rap
He sags his pants, do-rags and a stocking cap
His step-father hit him, so he socked him back, and broke his nose
His house is a broken home, there's no control, he just let's his emotions
go...

{C'mon}, sing with me, {sing}, sing for the years
{Sing it}, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears, {c'mon)
Sing it with me, just for today, maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you
away...

Entertainment is changin', intertwinin' with gangsta's
In the land of the killers, a sinner's mind is a sanctum
Holy or unholy, only have one homie
Only this gun, lonely cause don't anyone know me
Yet everybody just feels like they can relate, I guess words are a
mothafucka they can be great
Or they can degrade, or even worse they can teach hate
It's like these kids hang on every single statement we make
Like they worship us, plus all the stores ship us platinum
Now how the fuck did this metamorphosis happen
From standin' on corners and porches just rappin'
To havin' a fortune, no more kissin' ass
But then these critics crucify you, journalists try to burn you
Fans turn on you, attorneys all want a turn at you
To get they hands on every dime you have, they want you to lose your mind
every time you mad
So they can try to make you out to look like a loose cannon
Any dispute won't hesitate to produce handguns
That's why these prosecutors wanna convict me, strictly just to get me off
of these streets quickly
But all they kids be listenin' to me religiously, so i'm signin' cd's while
police fingerprint me
They're for the judge's daughter but his grudge is against me
If i'm such a fuckin' menace, this shit doesn't make sense Pete
It's all political, if my music is literal, and i'm a criminal how the fuck
can I raise a little girl
I couldn't, I wouldn't be fit to, you're full of shit too, Guerrera, that
was a fist that hit you...

{C'mon}, sing with me, {sing}, sing for the years
{Sing it}, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears, {c'mon)
Sing it with me, just for today, maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you
away...

They say music can alter moods and talk to you
Well can it load a gun up for you , and cock it too
Well if it can, then the next time you assault a dude
Just tell the judge it was my fault and i'll get sued
See what these kids do is hear about us totin' pistols
And they want to get one cause they think the shit's cool
Not knowin' we really just protectin' ourselves, we entertainers
Of course the shit's affectin' our sales, you ignoramus
But music is reflection of self, we just explain it, and then we get our
checks in the mail
It's fucked up ain't it
How we can come from practically nothing to being able to have any fuckin'
thing that we wanted
That's why we sing for these kids, who don't have a thing
Except for a dream, and a fuckin' rap magazine
Who post pin-up pictures on their walls all day long
Idolize they favorite rappers and know all they songs
Or for anyone who's ever been through shit in their lives
Till they sit and they cry at night wishin' they'd die
Till they throw on a rap record and they sit, and they vibe
We're nothin' to you but we're the fuckin' shit in they eyes
That's why we seize the moment try to freeze it and own it, squeeze it and
hold it
Cause we consider these minutes golden
And maybe they'll admit it when we're gone
Just let our spirits live on, through our lyrics that you hear in our
songs and we can...

{C'mon}, sing with me, {sing}, sing for the years
{Sing it}, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears, {c'mon)
Sing it with me, just for today, maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you
away...

Son got suspended from school

my son is a dumbass

good kid

but none-the-less a dumbass

he goes onto some teen/younger crowd internet bulletin boards. like many of his contemporaries he wants to a bit of a badass. irreverence is the word of the day...

on one board in particular the word "nigger" or "nigga" is used freely and gratuitously (and in my opinion inappropriately). the social sting of such usage is taken away somewhat by the use of the word in popular culture such as in in Hip Hop and Rap music, and in TV shows like the Boondocks.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Boondocks_(TV_series)

"Aaron has defended the show's heavy and at times gratuitous use of the word "nigga", by arguing that the large-scale usage of the word provides the show with a level of realism, due to the fact that the word is commonly used in the everyday conversations of some African Americans."

I have warned him about using the word and demanded that it not be used in my presence. He does not use it much in everyday usage (that i am aware of).

He is not overtly racist to my perception, and has both black and north american indian friends.

however, my dumbassed son put the subject line "niggaz everywhere" into an email to himself, when he emailed himself a school assignment as an attachment ("niggaz everywhere" is a quote from Rampage the Last Boyscout - Take it to the Streets, the ever tasteful lyrics: "Niggaz everywhere, bitches everywhere rockin to ramp’s new beat; When I hear his music I can’t help but get down like they do"). his story as to why he chose to put the line there is a little confused and will not detail it here - suffice it to say his judgement at 2AM after finishing the assignment, was lacking... i suspect it was to congratulate himself on a job well done

anyway, son was pulling up his assignment in school from email to show it to the class when the teacher projected his mailbox onto the big screen. and there was the subject line. there is one black girl in the class. one of the many ironies is that this was christian ethics class (catholic school [they're govt/publicly funded here])

son got interviewed by the administration and i got called. he's being suspended for two days, and serving a 3rd in school suspension day. i agree with the suspension and actually had the words "this will require a suspension" out of my mouth before the principal did. son will also be giving a re-approved apology to the class including the girl.

they think it was "an error in judgement" (read: dumbassery) and not overt racism as son has been in trouble in both elementary school and high school for fights and altercations where he has been intervening in racial catcalling to stop the catcalling. they want to reduce the incident to a minor one - hence the 3 days of suspension - school is out starting friday until sometime in january.

my son

the dumbass

now, the suspended dumbass...

a little pissed this morning

awhile back my son was out and didn't have the right change for bus. he walked to my parents place from where he was (about 1.5 miles). it was mild enough, only about -12C that day. he wears a cosmic winter coat i bought him this year and has good gloves and such. he could have gotten change, but chose not to.

he had called me to ask for a ride - i said no because he hadn't even informed me it was a possibility and i was busy (i was in the middle of a dinner date with Smitten) i had earlier been in the area of town where he was, and had wondered whether i should pick him up, but he wasn't where he said he was going to be when i checked - i advised him of that. when he called i asked him if he had enough money for the bus and he said yes.

back to the original discussion - it concerned my parents and i that he might show up at their place and they wouldn't be home. and that it might be really cold on such a day.

he told them he didn't have the money for the bus. either they misinterpreted, or he misspoke himself - he had been up all night at a computer gaming tournament and was less than fully coherent. la monnaie in french means change. being french immersion his whole life, sometimes his english usage defaults to french words or their exact english translation and he is slightly idiomatically incorrect.

i had yet another discussion with him about what he should do in the event of being stranded somewhere. it's not that he is being irresponsible, it's just he might make a dumb decision sometime - especially if he was out at a party and had been drinking or whatnot... (yes, i know he is only sixteen - but let's get real here people).

i discussed with him that if he was stranded he had various options including phoning me, his grandparents, his uncles and aunts and so forth. i explained to him that even if no-one would let him use a phone, he can make a collect local call from a payphone. i explained to him that if he was stranded (lets say during a blizzard or at a party gone wrong [or having escaped to a corner store after a party gone wrong]) that even if we were unable to drive him (let's say i had some wine and shouldn't be driving [not that i do it much, but i was trying to model responsible procedures in the event of alcohol consumption], or my mom or dad weren't up to driving at night), that we could either use a credit card over the phone, or we would get a cab and come to where he was to pick him up. as well as single rescuing of him, we wanted to underline once again that neither he nor his friends should be driving, and that we would make things work - even if we needed to drive friends' cars (or friends parent's cars) home so they wouldn't be drinking and driving either.

blah, blah, blah

one of the things i did was make a zip-lock bag with coins and bus tickets - for emergencies. that way, he would have 18 hours of public transport and coin always available.

he put this coin into one of the many pockets of his coat (it's a snow boarding coat so it has a gazillion pockets)

the winter coat is white nylon.

it was getting dirty

his mother decides to wash to coat

like she has for the last 20 years, she doesn't go through pockets properly when she pulls something off the hanger to wash it.

she washes it without checking all the pockets.

the bag of bus tickets gets washed and for whatever reason the bus tickets get wet - probably because son opened it and didn't seal it right.

the bus tickets are wrecked

i know it's only $12.50 but it pisses me off

it pisses me off that my careful preparation is casually ruined by her bad habit of not checking pockets properly. it pisses me off at a bunch of levels.

and it's not like it's the first time. she's been doing it for years. one time (while we were still together), she took a cardigan that i had hanging on the chair in my room and decided to wash it because she need another green item. not because it needed washing, but to make a load big enough to justify washing it in her mind.

i had, the night before, put about a year's worth of massage receipts in my pocket to take to work to file the medical insurance paperwork. that was about $1200 worth of receipts. i had to go about getting official duplicates, and get special permission to file duplicates with the insurance company. a big hassle. over the years she's washed my checkbooks, my pens, my wallet, letters, bills, notes... and in items that were not in the laundry basket. several of the times with the pens, she took my shirt from the chair i had hung it on - i was doing yard work, and had changed into work clothes, but intended to change back into my original shirt later.

aaaargh!

and once again, because of her total self absorption, her focus on only what she is doing, she fucks up some plan or preparation of mine. and if i hadn't quizzed my brain-dead child about the survival of his emergency bus tickets he wouldn't have even thought of it himself. that irritates me too.

i know she was doing it to be nice, but it is still all about her. she quizzed him for a half-an-hour last night about wasn't he really happy she had washed his coat for him, and didn't this prove she was a good mother. that she was fixing the problem i had made by buying him a white coat. that i might make the "grand gesture" (her words) of buying him the coat, but she was the one who had to do the work to fix my mistake of buying that coat... "because your father never thinks about things like washing and care".

(she has had the issues with son for awhile about clothing. son wants a particular item and she doesn't. so she uses one of her many styles of trying to alter the choice, leading up to simple imposition of her own will as a last resort. both kids have complained about having no choice about their clothes)

anyway

that's my rant

i'm irritated

telling you this story has helped me understand why i'm cranky to this level over $12.50 - hell, it's only the price of a couple of premium martinis, or slightly less than lunch out (not that I do either often).

but now i have to (or son will have to) peel apart bus tickets, and then go see if the transit authority head office will accept the damaged tickets back and exchange them for good ones. or it will just be a loss of about $12.50.

i'm a little pissed this morning

will there ever be time to blog?

yeah

so everyone that had their eyes glaze over on the Canadian Politics primer and breezed past it...

read the last section of that post

----

my dad went into the hospital again this past weekend

he had a seizure in about 2AM

my mom tried to reach me and couldn't

my sister-in-law did

Smitten and I had just had a major shaker Christmas party

for the first time in a long time i was so sloshed i could barely walk

i decided that i would not go to the hospital

my Mom won't say it completely out loud, but she's pretty choked i didn't come there

i told her that it would have done no good for me to come over if i couldn't maintain myself upright in a chair...

----

stbx-Mrs_C is losing her marbles. the kids are complaining that she is REALLY unstable

----

the counter-petition from her lawyer arrived

it contains a number if shitty untrue statements - luckily i have written documentation to rebut them

----

work continues to be non-stop from the moment i get here until i leave - often quite late

the new set-up is quite an adjustment for everyone involved

bumping egos and old processes/attitudes that do not fit our new station in the universe are casing problems

----

balh, blah, blah

i will actually detail some of all of this when i have some time, or i'm not too exhausted to do it

i'm third from the top on google

hey

so i was just looking through my visitors on my counter (seeing if any of you actually read/scanned through the treatise on Canadian government to find the point of the post...) and i discovered that someone had come to this blog courtesy of the search term:

"glow in the dark tingler ring"

when i see funny terms (or even sometimes sad terms) i like to check out the google lists to figure out why someone would choose to come to the blog from the hits they got.

here's the page with my number 3 google placement

i'm alive

more or less alive

so much has happened

so much has changed

so little is different

----

i'm going to have to stretch out my posts about the last two months because it would be the mother of all posts to do one single update

----

i'm still employed even if many of my friends aren't. much of my life is clustered around the business, and so are my friends. i like having friends whose worldview is like mine.

now the people who made up my daily life and who shared my passion are scattering

it's sad

it's an adjustment

i will see how many friendships endure beyond the common tie of work

----

my Dad had a couple of major TIAs (transient ischemic attack). He was hospitalised and had partial paralysis in his right side. He is still recovering from the paralysis.

"TIAs occur when a blood clot temporarily clogs an artery, and part of the brain doesn't get the blood it needs. The symptoms occur rapidly and last a relatively short time. Most TIAs last less than five minutes. The average is about a minute. Unlike stroke, when a TIA is over, there's no injury to the brain."

TIAs are also called mini-strokes. It's a bit of a mis-nomer. A stroke causes permanent damage, a TIA does not.

The medical folks believe that this episode caused no permanent damage. They found evidence of dead tissue, though - so he has had real strokes already. This doesn't come as a huge surprise to me. He has had various confusion issues - he is really quite brilliant, so his slightly damaged brain is still sharper than most people's full capacity. But knowing him - he is diminished - as noted in a couple of past posts.

My mom isn't talking it very well. Dad is being his usual asshole self. Concerned for the first little bit, adjusts to the minor discomfort and then doesn't change.

He has the adult version of teenaged invulnerability. He has always been such a capable individual he was able to handle anything and everything that was ever thrown his way. Add to that a politician's ego and you have a recipe for ignoring the decrepitude of age. Add to that a healthy dose of physical laziness. He can work physically hard - he farmed for most of his life in addition to his professional career. His jobs have been extremely demanding - he always works hard at anything he works at - but only what he chooses to, and only what he wants to. And he doesn't do exercise. It holds no interest for him. He can bluff, and slough, and slide his way through everything else. Now this too.

Add to that a streak of stubbornness that would put a mule to shame...

We'll see how all this works out.

----

after being stable for awhile

stbx-Mrs_C is losing it

in a bad way

the shit that used to be directed at me is belching out toward my kids

it has accelerated over the last 3-4 weeks

that is a subject for a whole post

----

it's home time, so all the rest of what i was intending to write about will have to go by the wayside for now

i will post a few pictures from the wine tour Smitten and I went on - where we got to meet Balloon Pirate.

things are good there

sometimes wonderful

sometimes tired

not the relationship

but the people

there is a lot happening - maybe most of it is happening in my own head

but it tires me out

----

home time

more later

----

P.S. sorry to have been a bad blog buddy, but there was little choice over the last while

i have tried to keep half assed up to date on your blogs, but have sucked in general. i will continue to suck for the next while - just not as bad as i have recently

thank-you to everybody that checks in and who has inquired

thank-you for being friends

trolling for wien

wien

i'd like to read your blog, if you are interested in having me as a reader - you've made it private now

if any other readers have contact with wien, please pass along my request

thanks

we lost

yeah

most of my friends are going to be out of work shortly...

went away, conflict nearing end, son's birthday

We went away last weekend on a wine tasting tour. it was fun - more later

Smitten and I met Ballon Pirate in person - that made me very happy.

My son is now 16. Took him for Indian food for his supper.

Smitten stuck a candle and a sparkler into a Gulab Jamin and gave son a green cone party hat with a sparkly fringe on the bottom. He was thrilled by dinner and his celebratory dessert.

The owner of the restaurant was so thrilled about this 16 year old white kind loving Indian food so much he brought out extra stuff for him to enjoy.

More on son's birthday later, too.

The conflict is about a day to be over.

We're going to lose.

Got to man the barricades.

are you the same person?

are you the same person?

am i the same person?

I have lost a lot of weight. People see me differently because of that.

Does changing your physical self change the essential you as a person?

Does changing your activities and actions make you a different person? If you didn't do things you wanted to before, for whatever reason, and now you do them - are you a different person?

Do your actions constitute who you are? even if you have the secret area inside of you, if you don't act - is that secret self really you? If you are with someone who doesn't love the same things as you, and so you don't do what you love - does that make you a different person than if you did do those things?

These questiona are prompted by 2 things: Signgurl and her transformation and discussion of those changes and a discussion I had with Smitten.

I told her that i was mad at her ex-husband the other weekend.

I was mad at him while we were shopping. I was angry that he would have never taken the time to experience the joy of getting her new clothes. I was mad at him for denying her the joy of receiving such gifts, of denying her the appreciation of him watching her as she smiled.

I was mad at him for being so stupid as to have let this woman go. I thought to myself "What the fuck? What the fuck, man? What could be running through your head as to not do everything in your power to keep this woman with you?"

I talked to Smitten about it.

Among other things she said "I'm not the same person as I was. I don't know if I would have shined the way I do with you. The way you make me blossom. I don't know. I didn't ever experience it. I was dead before - numb - and I'm alive now. So I don't know if he could have the same experience as you, because i don't know if i could have."

"I was a different person."

was she?

am I?

can you be a different person?

on busy, on clothes, and on eating right

I'd like to write about things that are funny or full of pathos. But it's all used up right now. The conflict is grinding on. It's the end of week two. Two more weeks to go.

It's like a football game that is scoreless and all gets played mid-field with no real gains on either side. Like an NFL game - a rushing game - a game where it's just linebackers slamming into each other.

(or it would be if I had ever actually watched an NFL football game... but my sports inclined buddies used a hockey metaphor and i figured that i would translate it into a more U.S. centric version)

The hours are long. It has been a bit of a lull for the last 5 days for me. My hell time was getting the IT infrastructure up and running in the week prior to the beginning and for the first 7-10 days.

Network install orders gone wrong, missing computer shipments, missing screens and missing computers, server issues, email issues, blah, blah, blah. The expected kinds of start-up problems when you trying to simultaneously start about 60 offices and some 600 full-time volunteers in 3 days. Offices that have to be up and running in 24 hours or so... yep - didn't happen - well, it did, but not fully. As for advance prep - well you can plan, and you can put in standby orders, but we don't have fixed conflict dates here like you do in the U.S. It can be at any time - we knew it was probably coming - but we got about 5 days notice that it was a for sure go, and we can't spend much money in advance under the law (also just being really cheap bastards) - leaves us in a hellish scramble to put it all together as soon as the launch happens.

It's actually better this time. I was pretty much alone in IT infrastructure last time. Now there's 5 of us. We are doubling as the data people, but most the central data work doesn't happen until after the initial set-up.

There has been no defining issue in the conflict so far. A set of published statements by each side and the slow attrition of "you suck" - "no, you suck" - "no, you suck more". The press doesn't help. They are interested in so called "Human stories" rather than substantive debate of issues.

Our opposition doesn't help either. They are trying to cover up their real agenda by watering it down into milquetoast so people won't be scared or their hard right agenda. And the fucking press gives them a pass. We have years and years of the other guys on the record with really fucked up ideas (like no minimum wage, hacking at occupational health and safety, getting rid of source water protection [environmental regulations designed to protect drinking water]) - but the press ignores it. Yet stuff our people said in the 1930s gets air play.

Fuck I hate the press.

----

The conflict has been interfering with my time with my kids and with Smitten. They accept it as a fact of life.

Even the kids have lived through several conflicts before - even in their short lives. They accept the necessities of the fight. They understand the duty. Son has been working the phone banks. We did literature drops previously, but this is his first full involvement. He's 16. I am pleased he is interested enough to do it (the $12 an hour he's being paid is a motivator too... i am sure). Daughter, at 11, is still too young - in my opinion. I was knocking on doors as a full canvasser at the age of 9. Different era - different parents. I won't do that to my kids.

They are believers, such as they can be at their ages.

Smitten has been gracious. We have watched several historical works together - they describe the beginnings of the movement and the call to action. She has listened to me go on and on about what I believe. She has bleeding heart tendencies already, though she has not been active or involved in my particular turf, so it's an easy sell - her long history of community involvement makes what I do a short step for her.

The passion for a better world. The call to action. The will to stand up for it.

She says this is part of what attracts her to me. That she understands that the time spent is part of the cost of that passion and belief.

----

I got part of the proprty settlement. I was able to liquidate part of our stock holdings. A substantial chunk of change. Paid down some debt. Paid some bills. And bought a swack of new clothes. Threw out a bunch of old clothes.

I like wearing clothes that I bought. That I picked. My own taste and style.

----

I spent some money buying Smitten some clothes. And some boots. She thinks the boots are for her. I say they're for me. They are up to just under her knee, are shiny black leather, have interesting buckles and spike heels. You figure out whom they are for [heh!].

She works at a community organisation - a helping the poor place. She makes a lot less money than she should. For years she has bought clothes that were on sale and were just classic styles in order to stretch her dollars. she had complained one time about just having old stuff - and that she is looking forward to getting a new job so that she can afford to actually have a clothing budget.

Smitten is applying for new jobs right now - I think I mentioned that in previous posts - she is tired of living on the edge financially because of the wage constraints of her current organization.

I wanted her to have some clothes that were just for her (well, for me too - i like to look at her a lot - but clothes that are her decision). So we went shopping. She has always been an on her own kind of person - I've talked about that in the past - she was essentially abandoned when she was 16/17. It has been a big hurdle for her in our relationship - accepting my help - being reliant on anyone else.

At one level it was pretty hard for her to accept me doing this for her. But it was also joyful. She likes to look good and be stylish.

We got some really nice stuff that day.

We are also going on a trip in the near future and i wanted her to have some new clothes for the trip.

I also wanted her to have some new clothes for any interview she might have.

----

Made waffles for Smitten last weekend. She hasn't had waffles in about 15 years since her dietary issues became troublesome. These were made from bean flour - a friend of mine gave me some 5 bean flour and a recipe. I went out and bought a $10.00 waffle iron just for the occasion.

they were really good - couldn't tell they were bean flour. I'll post the recipe somewhere (here or eat it and weep).

Smitten was delighted. It was a big deal.

----

I have been buying food and cooking for some of the people in the central office. Offered to do laundry for a couple of the other IT guys, but they found time last weekend.

A lot of delivery restaurant food was being consumed.

I made a bunch of healthy stuff and put it in the fridge so they could eat vegetables and light fare.

16 - 18 hour days under huge stress and eating shitty food - recipe for problems. I've been pressuring people to eat healthily. Many of them - this is their first time in central office in a conflict. They don't understand the pacing or the realities of surviving.

I pissed a few of them off by harping on the subject, but to a person they came back and apologised for getting cranky and said that they realised after eating decent food that I was right.

Even if they were just jollying me (which I doubt), I'm just happy they are starting to eat better. They've also offered money to pay for the stuff. I've been bagging at them about sleep and taking walks too. I have harped on a few to go take walks around the area during moderate downtime. They went.

As one guy told his mom (who's been giving him grief too) "Don't worry Mom, I've found a surrogate mother in a large hairy deep voiced straight guy*. He's been making me eat right and sleep." His mother has been working conflicts since he was in utero... (*he's gay - so that's where the "straight guy" thing came from).

----

Sorry if this post was a little disjointed, or incomplete, but I wrote it in a small gap in time.