Sangria

Earlier this month Smitten's niece (P) who is only 5-6 years younger than her and niece's new beau came over to Smitten's for the evening. P is more like a cousin in relationship to Smitten. They are good friends and have done plenty of partying over the years.

I made Sangria. Cooked it up on the Wednesday night and left it sit for two days. Did some extra doctoring because I made it wrong... I cooked the oranges, lemons, and limes with the wine when I mulled it with cinnamon sticks and whole cloves.

It was a very dry wine and the bitterness of the peels came through very strongly. I should have mulled the wine and added the fruit while it was warm and cooling - not had it in during the boil.

I haven't made Sangria in about 20 years. Sound like a familiar length of time? Yes, it's true. Making Sangria is one more activity that was thwarted many years until I gave up asking/trying by the stbx-Mrs_C veto (is there nothing in my life I can't be bitter about toward stbx? hmmmmm - i am beginning to believe not...)

stbx-Mrs_C didn't want the expense or something - because it is the sort of thing that should be made in a big batch for a party. she didn't even want to make it for her sister and the brother-in-law, or the family. wouldn't even let me make it for my own birthday. it was OK to spend $80-$100 on buying 40oz bottles of Rye, Vodka, and Rum for the inlaws - but not on making Sangria...

Anyway - I made Sangria. I also bought two funky flasks (if you can call them that) with taps on the side to hold such beverages. I figured one for white Sangria and the other for red.

These kinds of flasks are the sort of thing I wasn't allowed to buy. "Too much clutter" was the refusing phrase. I like to have stuff like this. It's fun. It makes a difference to the environment of the party.

i did end up buying a funky cheap glass decanter as well - the big flask ($12 each) taps didn't work so well after testing.

Back to the story:

I got all worked up when I was preparing stuff. I had run out and picked up some pre-cut veggie trays and fruit trays because i had run out of time. I would have made my own but work and kid pressure killed it for me.

I was all worried/panicked that Smitten would be mad because:

1) I had spent a bunch of money on all the stuff when she said it was going to be a simple evening - i was anxious about the Sangria and the food.
2) that i hadn't made the veggie trays myself - that this would indicate a "lack of interest" or valuation on her, spending time with her niece, and the evening as a whole.
3) that i was bringing over the flask and the Sangria to "showboat"

Yep - i was right worked up. But i sailed on because it was what i wanted to do. And if she wasn't happy about i figured she could fuck right off. If she didn't like it or got mad at me she could kiss my ass and i would get a new girlfriend - one who liked decanters and things.

Yes - it was indeed entirely projection of my own anxiety and my own past.

Smitten (without knowing about my panic) was thrilled, tickled, and delighted that i would:

1) go through the effort of making Sangria (her husband didn't even know how to cook - even by the time she left him [well - he could cook one or two things - literally one or two things - she had to leave instructions on how to bake store bought lasagna and such...])
2) bring food
3) that i had chosen to be on time by buying the trays instead of being late and preparing them
4) that i would value her family enough to want to make it a better evening
5) that i would have any interest/delight in something like the flasks and decanter - that kind of trapping for a party/event

I guess I do have a girlfriend who likes those things.

I guess I don't need to go find one that does.

BTW - without knowing my panicked state, they all said it was the best Sangria they had ever had. Smitten and niece P are not the phony compliment kind. P's beau doesn't like/drink red wine. He thought the Sangria was spectacular.

Yeah... I really can't describe the wholesale panic that was going through me as I was arriving at Smitten's. It was real and it was huge.

I know it will go away or dull eventually. Smitten's reactions to many things are being overlaid on previous reactions and triggers. It will just take time.

In the meantime, I would like to share my Sangria and flask with you (normally it has a big cork on the top):

they say it's your birthday...

it was my birthday.

here is me modeling one of my presents



Smitten couldn't find any Mr. Incredible underwear, but did find some for the Man of Steel

(one day last year or the year before i was shopping with my son. we were buying socks and underwear. like i've done since he was little, i asked him if he wanted some batman underwear [which he wanted as a 4-5-6 year old]. he declined, but then pointed and said "Some day I hope some girl buys me some Mr. Incredible underwear". Anyway - that's part of the gag)

email to lawyer (from the other day)

subject: change in my view of the settlement i am requesting

i believe that in the petition we filed with the court that we asked for half/equal division

if that is the case, i would like to stick to half

i had discussed with you previously my view that in negotiations i would not ask for half of [stbx-Mrs_C]'s pension, and that i would walk with all of my credit card debt and the revenue canada debt and so on...

if we filed for half - we're sticking to half

----

why?

i was just on vacation with the kids. they talked while we were on vacation. they talked about what their mother said.

apparently she told them she was stringing me along. that she was playing a waiting game. that waiting didn't hurt her, and that i could sit in my apartment forever for all she cared and that she would use all tactics at her disposal to delay settlement.

in her view housing prices will go down in a year or two and i can just wait until they do

she also apparently has no intention of settling on the house until she gets married to someone else so that she doesn't have her lifestyle impacted or the size of house she has to live in altered any way but up

----

given the above, i feel that i am offering myself up as a sucker to go with anything but half. i offered better deals in the interest of moving on and getting things done quickly.

if my good intentions are being misused, and if they will do nothing to expedite the situation, then there is no point in moving from that which is guaranteed in law.

paddle wheeler, motorcycles, and Canadian Shield

vacation pics

paddle wheeler tour in Winnipeg




The girl's first motorcycle ride ever - with Smitten's brother driving.


The boy posing alone (he rode with Smitten's brother as well)


Smitten at the camp site first night


The view from our site. We were camping near Lake Of The Woods in Ontario.




The site

i'm back, many things to discuss

as above

first day back at the office

i would tell you that i hit the ground running but it would be a lie. everything hit me like a semi-truck and i'm still stuck to the grill

i haven't had time to hit the ground yet...

good vacation - pics and stories to tell

good time with the kids and much peace, joy, and love

things are pretty amazing with Smitten - stories and snippets to tell there

filed a police report on boyfriend bob for him verbally and physically intimidating my son - no charges, but making sure i filed a report. had a near fisticuffs situation between bob and i there

told the lawyer that half is half is half is half on the property settlement

i am now taking the position that i am requesting exactly what the law provides me under separation and divorce law in our jurisdiction

i get half the stuff and half the debt and so does she

still trying to peel myself off the front of this semi that's moving at a hundred miles an hour...

too much stuff and going away for awhile

i have just finished the project i was working on since forever... it is a good piece of work

i have swack load of stuff to get done and i'm going away on holidays

got to file some supporting documentation with the tax people to be able to claim differently now that we are split. i asked stbx to sign a letter stating the circumstances that existed for last tax year and to agree to the tax split i used (the most advantageous for both of us).

she agreed to sign in and email, and when i dropped the letter off she refused to sign until her lawyer sees it. has the letter even gone near her lawyer in the last 2 weeks... no

will this even screw up her own filing - yes

is she a fucking idiot - yes

i have no idea of why she thinks i would try to screw her over. i haven't done it yet - no history of it. but i guess she must be projecting her own ideas and advice she is getting. her sister and brother-in-law have been telling her to "screw him [me] before he screws you" since i left.

her mother has been pulling strings and pressuring her to refuse to give me anything and to fight me to the death on every cent - saying things like - "better the lawyer gets it than him" - no really - it's true - the kids told me

anyway - i have to see if the tax people (who are not known for incredible patience) will give me some time to rustle up some supporting documentation and give me some time to lever the stbx

i am going to see if they will send her a letter to spook her as well

i have to get all my filings done for supporting documentation for the divorce - financial statements tax returns, etc - has to be done within 10 days of filing the petition with the court

i'm getting my shit together to leave on vacation with the kids until later in the month

maybe i'll blog, maybe i won't...

time

need more time

signed petition for divorce

went to the lawyer yesterday. 2:30 appointment to "sign a few papers". read the documents for an hour. cooled my heels for another half hour...

i overheard that they had a crisis with another case and had to file by 4pm that afternoon and didn't have all the affidavits that would be necessary.

had just decided to walk out when she came in. she apologised. i ignored her apology and addressed the papers. i have no interest in getting pissy with my lawyer, especially when i was as emotionally charged as i was.

i just didn't have it in me to fight with my lawyer too.

went through the papers. made some changes on details. altered the part that said we were calling for child support from the statutory tick box to "other" and specified shared cost there instead

same effect, but made the change because stbx-Mrs_C's reaction would have been to immediately show it to daughter and tell her i was suing for support payments

the statutory tick box had a clarifying explanation later in the document saying it was shared cost, but i know the stbx and how she will willfully misconstrue anything i say... daughter doesn't need that one exploding near her.

i specified that i wanted a clause in the custody agreement that daughter was not ever to be alone with uncle molester or allowed to be even in uncle molester's house even with others present. we'll see what the stbx thinks of that. she'll either interpret it as just an attack, or she'll agree to it in a second in order to keep herself from ever being forced by her mother to go to uncle molester's house.

i have been contemplating since i made the request as to whether i should ask for a total ban on contact between my kids and uncle molester.

the only sticky part is that i allowed limited contact at family gatherings in the past. the rationale i developed with my lawyer for the change in position is that i will no longer be present to ensure their safety.

i discussed the marital rape accusation with my lawyer. she was really mad. she said that sort of thing made it very hard for women who come forward with real rape complaints.

she told me that if the stbx ever pursued it that the police and the prosecution's office would take a very dim view of the accusation. that they would ask why it only came to light after separation, and after a petition for divorce had been filed. they would ask if there was any record of it at the time, and if there was any evidence of violence - that not wanting to have sex and grudgingly agreeing or allowing it to occur against personal wishes in a marriage was different than rape - a violent crime. were there any pictures of bruises, doctor's reports, or even discussions with a counselor or anything?

that the police and prosecutions had dealt with plenty of spiteful or vindictive accusations after separations and divorce and would be aggressively skeptical if the facts were as i presented them to my lawyer.

i had some tears and almost cried as i discussed some of this with her. it's a little different to talk to friends about things than in this sort of formal setting.

i am overwhelmingly hurt by the accusation of rape.

i feel a tremendous sense of failure for not having been able to make my marriage work. i realised that as i discussed the uncle molester situation and some of the abuse context of the stbx's family. as i discussed my efforts to try to help all three daughter's through their trauma and to face their mother and confront their uncle over what had been done - and over what their parents had failed to protect them from - i realised that i am very sad that the healing and progress stopped.

it has damaged so many lives.

Son - we were discussing some of his mother's erratic behaviours once, how her behaviours drove me out and are damaging his relationship with his mother, discussing some of her over the edge worries about son molesting daughter, and discussing how some of those behaviours were a direct result of uncle molester - when son said to me "I'd just like to go punch out [uncle molester] for ruining my life."

i am glad that the rape thing will likely be off the table from a formal or actionable sense. with the conflict likely coming this fall, that is last thing that we would need to hit the media - me accused of rape. both the media/public perception hit and the loss to the team (as THE key opposition research guy).

some key members of the media have been friends of mine for over 20 years. we talk about our personal lives, and they have been concerned about my health. in fact most of the local press are on friendly terms with me and have been highly supportive on a personal level of my battle with fibromyalgia and my weight. they have been decent and supportive through my divorce

i have even talked to one of them "the dean" of the local press - the one i've known longest - about the accusation. it flowed in our discussion of my divorce and i figured some inoculation would be good.

the lawyer said that the fact that stbx-Mrs_C was making some of the wild assed accusations and statements she is in front of or to the kids would not fly well in front of a judge if things degenerate

blah, blah, blah

this post wandered a fair way away from my initial idea of an advisory piece just telling you i'd filed the papers...

stuff to tell ya

the writing muse isn't hitting me so much right now - i am kind of exhausted - physically and emotionally

this whole "personal growth" thing can be full of shit at times... sometimes i'm sick of it - i don't want to grow, or analyse, or be self aware... i get tired

the weekend camping with Smitten was really great - i felt very alive

work is a lot of pressure - meeting deadlines to prepare for the conflict.... research, ad/literature content, strategy

stbx-Mrs_C is completely jerking my leash - i don't expect a settlement until next year. therefore no house, therefore i do not expect to have my daughter back until then...

had breakfast with Dad to discuss the house help thing. Mom and Dad essentially want to put my life in trusteeship for the period of time that i would be in any house that they would help me buy. i am declining Dad's offer of help. i have no interest in reviewing my finances or monthly spending with them/him. i hated it when they.he supported me during university and i sure as hell am not going to humiliate myself or reduce myself to that situation again.

daughter can either choose to live with me or not. i will not put my self in that situation so she can have her own room 6 months earlier...

there was a bump with Smitten that is sorted out - far too much detail required to explain in a short post - but it left me a little jumpy this week. she has felt bad that i was worried, but that's just a result of me reacting to my previous marriage, not Smitten

went to the exhibition/fair with my kids - dinner - fun - rides - thrills

went to the beach with kids and Smitten and her kids - had fun - everybody got along. had a short formal discussion of rules and expectations for joint holiday period in a couple of weeks - that worked really well for my kids to feel that they were being respected in the whole assignation of roles/boundaries.

there was problems with Bob the boyfriend when he went with stbx-Mrs_C and the kids. respect issues.

people (in stores for example) would say things like "you'll have to ask your Dad" (referring to Bob) and he would not correct them - his little family fantasy in my opinion - and him not correcting the people really bugged my kids - also Bob actually yelled at son at one point - and was starting to be the discipline messenger boy for the stbx

Smitten and I formally addressed issues of role and responsibilities and supervision and adult direction on the trip

the kids said they thought it was little redundant - that they already knew the things we said, but i think it was really important to define it in advance

did an all nighter with son last night - went to a computer gaming place and played supreme commander in a midnight madness special deal until 8 AM

when Dad called for breakfast at 9:40 AM (it's a holiday here today) - that was a little early

more later - no muse - need sleep

postcript to hot tubbing

I ran into my friend L who had the hot tub birthday party. (hot tub sally (part 1) and hot tub sally (part 2)

L filled me in on a few after details. She said Smitten was quite a hit at the party.

Also, apparently Sally was trying to take the drunk guy from the hot tub home. My friend L and the rest of the gang told Sally "If his legs don't work, what makes you think anything else is going to work...?"

but she insisted that she was going to "take care of him". L and her partner had a bed ready for the dude, but he agreed to go - the rest of the folks argued, but Sally and the dude insisted so they left them to their own devices.

When they came back the next day to pick up his car his face had skinned patches from where he had done a face plant on the sidewalk outside. I guess he fell several times just making it to the car...

some replies

some replies to your thoughtful comments to emasculation and pain

buddha_girl:

"Knowing what must be done, knowing you should do it, and getting it done are all different things."

how does the song go? "even if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice"

"Life..." "...doesn't come with instructions."

no it doesn't. and i made some choices that i have to live with. choices about being nicey nice. about falling into the same pattern as before. about ignoring outside voices and my internal voice.

but perhaps that's the life lesson i need to learn, hmmmm?

Sicilian: "If you had known..."

i guess that's part of the problem. i did know she would be the bag she is being. i just hoped one more time that it would be better this time (c.f. cycle of abuse).

Smitten said that she was warned from the beginning by what I wrote in my online dating profile:

"Separated - fitting together my new life. Still issues back and forth with regard to the separation, so I am approaching resumption of dating with some sensitivity (hence private photos). I would prefer no issues with my ex (not a psycho situation - just being careful and sensitive)."

Smitten said "I would prefer" was a dead giveaway as to my true expectation of the stbx's likely action set...

signgurl: "I'm sorry, I just can't get past the renewed groin feelings. I'm a pervert who's happy for you."

good attention to the material ;-P

but i think you focused on the important part. what do i do to get past it, get around it, live a new life that focuses on what i want to be important? remember my post: the four pillars"?

if they are truly to be:

1) sex

2) sleep

3) food and drink

4) enjoyment

then i need to keep my eye on the ball (or maybe Smitten's eyes on mine...;-)

Pissy: As noted in flip-flop-fly, you called it last fall - that she wouldn't do this cleanly or nicely.

Thank-you for your support and good thoughts and wishes.

Cole: thank-you for your emotion. thank-you for your validation of what i am feeling. thank-you for your love and support.

Pirate:

"Ever watch a fly banging up against window glass? It keeps banging and banging away, and oftentimes will continue to do so until it collapses and dies.

That fly is powerless against that window. Nothing it does, no matter how hard it tries, will not get it through that piece of glass."

yeah - the fly can't see the glass - or doesn't know what it is.

to the fly the path is clear. the fly knows where it wants to go. the fly has a plan - and probably a good one. it just doesn't understand the nature of the barrier it faces. If it even realised it was a barrier it would change its plan - but it doesn't because the way just seems so clear

c.f. my comment above:

"Life..." "...doesn't come with instructions."

no it doesn't. and i made some choices that i have to live with. choices about being nicey nice. about falling into the same pattern as before. about ignoring outside voices and my internal voice.

but perhaps that's the life lesson i need to learn, hmmmm?

the last word goes to hippi

ohc said...

"All I can say, after everyone else has said it so well, is that living well is the best revenge."