Joint Counselling Session

I arrived shortly before we were to begin. I saw Mrs_C walking toward the counsellor's office. She had obviously dressed up for the session - I complimented her on how she looked.

She said she had dressed hot for me.

I thanked her and repeated my compliment.

As for the session, it sucked.

It went well for the first little while. We were discussing things with the counsellor moderating and asking leading questions. Mrs_C was spending a bunch of time apologising (not what made it go well at the beginning - I tried to stop her from doing so - I don't really want an apology - I have no need or desire that she abase herself for me).

We were talking about Mrs_C spending her time emoting instead of listening to me.

Mrs_C tried to lead in by saying "I don't believe that he really wants this to work out and he has just been laying the groundwork to let me down easy over the last year"

The counsellor says "If he didn't want it to work, why would he be here?" Cut her off short on a number of her "poor me" and "i'm so vulnerable" and "victim" plays.

The counsellor was asking us to outline what we wanted out of the relationship. Mrs_C had her say. I began to give a well thought out analysis and outline of what i wanted (i had written it out prior to the session, just to be clear in my own head).

We were previously talking about me spending too much time on analysing situations and trying to troubleshoot them, instead of addressing emotional issues.

Both mrs_c and the counsellor butted in to my outline and said that they thought that my answer was a little clinical - that it lacked an expression of emotion. I'm thinking "what the fuck?"

I said i preferred to stay in the realm of the tangible instead of romping off into things like emotionally based accusations like "you are having an affair"

So while i was thinking about that they started talking about my difficulty in being prepared to address the emotion behind a comment - like "you are having an affair"

um, what?

i should address the emotion behind the comment and ignore the fallacious accusation? the damaging accusation? an accusation that if left unchallenged becomes the truth because i didn't challenge it?

yup - that is what the counsellor said.

that's where it went off the rails

Mrs_C, who had been sniffling and apologising through the early part of the session, changed tack. I had been relatively strongly and adamantly been stating my case. Mrs_C had been crying, apologetic and meek, I was large, deep-voiced, and strong about my grievences.

Yup.

Mrs_C played the counsellor.

I forced the conversation back to me saying what i wanted.

Mrs_C dropped a bomb in the middle "Can I ask a question about something I want?" she interupts, "Why won't he hug me when we see each other?"

a lie

the counsellor asks "what is your response to that?"

i say "It's not true, and there was only one occasion since i moved out that i refused to hug and that was last night". I then gave a series of examples of when i had hugged her and challenged mrs_c to name any other time than the night before.

the counsellor chided me for getting into an examination of the statement instead of looking at the emotional need underneath the statement

i said that i preferred to deal with reality, not bullshit

that pissed off the counsellor

mrs_c then additionally accused me of not wanting to discuss where the kids would be staying on what schedule. i said that it was a non-issue until my apartment was ready to be set up and until we had decided how summer vaction was going to work. i said i was committed to the principle of maximum exposure for each parent and would absolutely fair and equitable in my requests.

that pissed off the counsellor

she said that it was fair to ask for a discussion about where the kids would go

i said that i had been out of the house for 6 days, that i didn't have my apartment set up, and that i had not been given a reponse on summer vacation schedules - and that the kids were at the house with their mom every day until my apartment got set up and that i saw some multi-hour discussion of kid sharing as ridiculous until other issues were settled because the kids would be staying with their mom except on an ad-hoc basis until i got the apartment finished - and that a multi-hour discussion would only delay that!!!

then they were both on me about my position

a completely logical position

1) a decision can't be made right now
2) a discussion is out of the question until the other issues are addressed
3) mrs_c is working late shift, an arrangment is in place until the weekend, so the issue is irrelevant until at least the weekend and should be deferred until then

they both went off the deep end and said that my position failed to address the fundamental need for mrs_c to have the security she needed to have with regard to the kids

yup

about 1 hour and 20 minutes into the session mrs_c had the counsellor's number and deftly threw bombs in at just the right time to have the counsellor do her dirty work

you see, her manueuver meant i was on the defensive and answering all the questions instead of her

the same as the "discussions" in garage. throw bombs - keep me answering and on the defensive - and she doesn't have to answer shit or answer for anything

i was on the defensive and getting worn down for about 20 more minutes

as i realised how this was working i cut them both off

i said loudly and with command "I think this session is over. Two hours is enough. This is just like the discussions in the garage. I'm done!"

I got up to leave.

The counsellor looked seriously pissed off. I was so mad I didn't even look at mrs_c.

The counsellor said "Yes, we're past time anyway, it's after 6 [pm]. I need to get going."

I said "thank-you for your time" and left.

Mrs_C came after and I outlined my above stated position again. I said I would not engage in the discussion until the weekend. She agreed.

She then repeated that she had dressed hot to try to attract me. She then went on to point out that the dress she was wearing was a size 4 (when we married she was a 9/10) and that if nothing else the separation had been good for her figure - she was the smallest she had ever been in her adult life.

I replied "Always a silver lining" and walked away.