On counseling, Weakness, Dinner And Sexy Dresses

counseling: Went to counseling. It was better. Wasn't under attack. Talked through some stuff. Actually had useful discussion about the way we talk/communicate to/with each other.

I'd tell you what I found useful. But I don't actually remember... Must have been good stuff.

[condensed version of one part]
Mrs_C brought up the "Should we be having sex?" issue. She kept referring to it obliquely through the session. The counselor could tell there was a subtext, but Mrs_C wasn't going there (I will grant that she's still a little embarrassed to talk about sex openly). Finally I just explained what had happened. I explained that I thought I was being played. Mrs_C said she wasn't. The counselor said "There - an example of assumptions getting in the way of honest communications." I pointed out that Mrs_C had said "Are we ready to take our relationship to the next level?" after working me up - which I interpreted as using sex as bait. I said flat out "She's prancing around in these little outfits, more daring than she's ever worn before, dangling it in front of me and then says 'Should we really?' She's waving it in front of me and expecting me to come running like a dog with my tongue hanging out - and when I did she shuts me down - twice!". I explained that I got the message loud and clear and that was why I had been totally business with Mrs_C all week. She wants it that way, that's what she gets - I also said that was why I had refused to go on vacation for a week with her and the kids - if getting shut down twice had pissed me off, then what would a week of it do? Mrs_C said that wasn't what she meant. That she just didn't think separated coupled were supposed to have sex. The counselor said you should do whatever you want because there is no right and wrong or "supposed to do". I was like "Whatever".

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My Dad asked me on Thursday or so why I was still going to counseling. I told him "pure politics". The appointment is made, and my audience of two (kids) is not going to have their mother be able to say that I didn't give it a solid try. I want to have them experience a couple of weeks of peace and quiet as contrast to the histrionics of their mother before announcing "It won't work." He said - "Just understand what you goal is when you go into these sessions. Keep that in mind."

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Mrs_C said she wanted to come with me somewhere I was going on Saturday - Home Depot or the Co-op Home Centre or something - various errands. I couldn't think of a reason to say no. Got to just start realising I'm allowed to just say no for arbitrary reasons. I'm too polite.


Weakness: Yeah I did it with Mrs_C on Saturday... I'm not that bright. I'm just not always thinking about whether I'm being maneuvered or not. She helps me carry something up to the apartment - I'm thinking she's just being extra helpful for its own sake. Nope - I later realise that it was to maneuver me to let her up to the apartment. We put the stuff up there and I'm going to take her home. She wants a hug.

Yep.

Sproing.

It's been awhile. One thing leads to another. She says "There's no agenda - I'm just so horny." Yes. I know. I'm a sad human being.

Colour me idiot. Colour me male. Colour me thinking "She said there was no agenda - twice..." Colour me forgetting my son's words "She's a master manipulator."

How did Nowhere Girl put it...? "I have SO used that one before."

It was fine. She described it as "hot" and "tension relieving". We parted well with no issues or collar jerking.

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dinner: The next day I'm picking up the kids to begin the holiday around 5pm. I have to drop by earlier (4pm) to pick up some tools - I'm building this desk in the apartment. When I get there and Mrs_C tells me that daughter thinks we're (the kids and I) going out for supper. Mrs_C tells me daughter has been picking out her dress (this fringed red number I bought for her in Mexico). Mrs_C says daughter's been looking forward to dressing up and going out and planning it all afternoon.. I had no such idea, but if daughter wants to go out for supper - well ok. Mrs_C says "Can I come?" I'm a little choked, a little taken aback - it was supposed to be the launch of "our" vacation - we were supposed to be discussing the planning details of our vacation. And now Mrs_C wants to come - and she knew that's what we were doing that night because I told her. She pulls the quivery lip watery eyes thing. Daughter starts getting upset. I'm rattled. I'm focused on the question of getting this desk built, finishing the apartment set-up and getting ready for activities. I'm rattled. I say OK. She says "Well, if you think I'm coming on too strong." (editorial comment: she always pulls that when she always has what she wants and knows it) I say no - let's just go. I ask where we're going to go - because she hasn't been happy with any of the places we've gone in a long time. She says "Anyplace with you is OK by me."

sexy dresses: We go finish part of the desk and then I go back to pick up the ladies. I get there and daughter is done up and Mrs_C is wearing one of her new little summer dress numbers and is all dolled up (appropriate for a summer dress, but still all done up). I'm upset now - I say that the place I had planned wasn't the kind of place to be all dolled up in - it's more of a jeans place (a local budget pasta restaurant). She says it's OK and its only a $14.00 dress she got on sale. I'm "whatever".

I'm pretty cranky - but mostly silent - my tone betrays me. We get to the restaurant and everyone is unhappy and upset. I tell Mrs_C that I think she's playing me and that she has levered her way into the meal and then dresses up in her display outfit to dangle it in front of me.

She says that it is one of the few outfits she has that fits now and that the truth was she just didn't want to eat alone, so she just wangled her way into the meal - and that she just got into dress-up mode with daughter - that they both fed off each other.

Some of the upset dissipated and I said I would go to the bathroom and that when I got back we would all be happy and have a good meal. I washed my face and took some deep breaths and returned. It took a few minutes but we were laughing and happy and the tension was put aside. Poor kids.

While dropping Mrs_C at the house she says "Let's have a short walk". We talk and she says that she thought that there might be less tension between us since we "made love". I'm dumb, but not that dumb. I'm cluing in to my own stupidity.

The kids and I leave to go to my parents' place - my parents were leaving for awhile and we are watching their house (our vacation is day trips and one overnighter).

While driving there I apologise to my kids for getting upset and that I had leapt to some wrong conclusions, and that I was sorry about making things difficult at supper. My daughter informed me that she was just going to wear her regular clothes and that it was her mother that told her to dress up and wear the dress I had bought for daughter in Mexico. That Mrs_C said that they should dress up and look good and make me feel bad about leaving. They tell me that their Mom was playing me. That it was the set-up I thought it was.

The slow burn sets in.