daughter told me she wasn't coming here this weekend and that she wanted to stay permanently with her mother.
i asked her what the plan was. would she just call me up when she felt like seeing me, or would there be a schedule, or notice or would i just be a Dad on call in case she needed some entertainment.
she told me i was trying to guilt her out.
i left.
i was pretty upset on Friday night.
Saturday i decided that i needed to extend and olive branch and try to reach her.
so what did i do? i called her to see if i could take her for lunch. i dressed really nice (very trendy clothes and much leather) and took her out to the dining place of her choice. we then went shopping and i bought her some fashion boots for her birthday a couple of weeks early and some fancy pantsy underwear she wanted.
we spent the whole afternoon together.
drove her home. she invited me to her birthday party. not the family one with stbx-mrs_c's family, but the one her friends were coming to.
my son was doing stuff his buddy so i cleared out. went and visited Smitten. she asked me how i'd handled things with daughter. i had been determined to take a hard line the night before when i talked to her.
but i didn't. i did what i always do. go more than half-way, kiss a bunch of ass. make myself into what the other person is demanding.
yeah pretty much what i did with stbx-mrs_c for years.
somebody throws a fit and i'm there to twist myself into a pretzel to please them.
i will write more of this in the coming days, but i don't feel much like it right now. the words aren't much coming to me.
i will make sure my legal position is as protected as it can be, but otherwise
whatever
what reason did she give? not having her own room. vaguely stated fears about some friend or person she knows that had a brother that did stuff to her in the middle of the night - but not that she believed her brother ever would.
but
she really couldn't say
she just wants to do it.
whatever
her grandmother plays a favourites game like this with her 4 daughters.
over the afternoon daughter said a number things i found interesting
daughter told me that she might move back if i was to buy a house that is up for sale down the street from her friend's house so they could hang out together all the time, or if i was to buy her a bunch of these clothes - well that would be cool.
she told me stuff that her Mom promised her - repainting and redecorating her room again (2nd time this year). massive birthday party sleepover extravaganza, shopping trips with her cousins. mom will foot the bill so that daughter can have her own space at her cousin's table at a local spring arts festival (daughter makes these funky handbags out of scarves and sews and glue-guns enviro-shopping bags.
a trip to Montreal this summer and a cell phone. and some other stuff i can't remember right now.
whatever
later
“All I want is for the baby to be healthy!”
1 year ago
5 comments:
Mr.C. . . don't play the game and don't fund the mom's promises. Sometimes our kids have our spouse's characteristics. The marriage ends, but the games go on because they (the children)have learned how to play. Don't play. Buy a house where you want. Don't lay out a bunch of cash. Be clear with her and follow through with what you say. Mostly be true to you.
Ciao
Mr C - be careful. From the things I have seen on your blog about your children and your s2bx, manipulation has to be playing a part in this with your daughter. As a woman who went thru this with her own parents as a teenager, I will tell you not to give up...don't back down....inform your daughter that your time is your time and don't allow her to be manipulated. I lived this as a kid...when my parents split, my mom went as far as to have my name legally changed - not just the last name but my entire name to erase all ties to my father and his family. At 36, I just this past year changed my name back to my birthname....18 years too late to undo the damage done as my father passed away 18 years ago. Your daughter is still a child, she will do as she is told and will be easy to manipulate with promises of clothing and other material items. However, the voice of experience says...she will risk loosing something so much more important by allowing her mother to rule her relationship with you...you fight if you have to for the time with your daughter as you only have one father and to lose that relationship is something really very tragic. Good luck and stay strong.
I think your daughter is playing the guilt card quite well, right now. The "mom will do this but if you do that..." thing. While it's likely that some of what daughter is doing is a result of years of hearing her mom manipulate people for what she wants, I also believe part of it is just her being a kid. She's still lost and confused and may stay that way for quite some time. It's NOT YOUR FAULT! She's showing some rebellion (which all kids do) and trying to see just how much she can get from her mini-tantrums. And that's exactly what they are: tantrums. If she is truly uncomfortable sharing a room, would you be willing to let her have your room and you bunk with your son when they come for the weekends? Is their a sofa-bed that he may could sleep on? I don't mean ALL THE TIME, but maybe offer it as a compromise: they take turns on the sofa-bed. As for spoiling your daughter, if you can, that's really cool. Just remember to do it within reason and make sure you do as much for your son. Spoiling them doesn't even have to involve monetary gifts, either. As for the rest of the time, set boundaries and limits and enforce them. It's ALWAYS okay to let the kids know that certain behaviors are NOT okay in your home. While it may cause them to stay away for a few weeks, in the end, they'll realize just how much they miss you and will come back with open arms. Just letting them know that you will always be there for them and would walk fire for them - as long as everyone plays by the rules (and they may set a few guidelines for you, which should at least be considered as long as they're not just silly-crazy)...I certainly hope this works itself out for you, soon.
Holy Shit.
I have no good advice - as you have already received some really good stuff from others.
i'm here for ya.
and i care.
t
My sentiments are the same as Cole's. Everyone else has already given you great advice.
Take it.
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