Loafing

It was a wonderful weekend. I spent it with Smitten. She had a belly dancing meeting one evening, but otherwise we were together. A lot of talking (and stuff ;-).

I have been learning to bake. I am an excellent cook, but my baking has always been a little spotty. Even tried and true recipes with wheat flour.

As I have mentioned previously, Smitten has some dietary/digestive issues. I have been experimenting with alternative flours and grains to make a bread that she can eat. I have had a couple of OK results, but this weekend was the first major triumph. The bread worked out quite well. I have included a picture of it for your edification.


I didn't have enough bread pans (only 1) to bake small/regular loaves, so I made one big loaf. I was expecting to throw out most of the results anyway (like the previous attempts), so it didn't matter the size or shape (I don't alter my initial foray into a recipe [including quantities], because I want to see the straight results before I doctor things up). I dropped it in the middle of an oiled broiler pan and baked it. I didn't want to handle it very much because I had ruined a couple of other loaves by handling them too much after rising. I am also using whole grain flours, so that makes it a little harder too.

As I said - the loaf was good. Better straight out of the oven than after it cooled, but still solid proof of concept for the mixture of flours I am using.

This may not seem like a big deal to you, but for me - well, I have been such a lame-o baker all these years I had resigned myself to also-ran status. To have this good a result with alternative grains, well, this is a big deal for me. I am also pleased to be able to demonstrate my affection this way (remember - food is love). FYI: I have since bought 3 more bread pans.

Smitten often feels some discomfort from eating foods that have things that she can't eat well. I would like to take away her pain/discomfort.

I made large tart sized quiches for her last week, with an alternative grain crust. It was very good. The kids liked it and so did Smitten - she shared one with her boss, who also liked the crust (and the quiche).

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Smitten asked me one time over the weekend how I was feeling about something (during a discussion). I had to answer "I don't know how I feel".

For so long I have overlaid how I should feel on top of how I really do feel that often I am unaware or unsure of how I really feel.

As I have talked before about my feeling that over most of my life emotions and emotional display often have led to being hurt. I have learned to control my emotions - or rather, to suppress them. Not so well, I suppose, given my fibromyalgia and other issues. I discussed that in previous posts about going to counselling (Dec 05):

"1) going to a counsellor (being a guy who has always tried to deny emotion for logic, I think that some reflection of how I REALLY feel instead of how I SHOULD feel is in order)"

I talked to Smitten about the emotions that I most often feel: Anger, anxiety, fear.

I feel other emotions and express them, but it is only in a "safe" environment.

I talked about the times that I do things that could be considered emotionally expressive, and acts of kindness and giving, but that even though I want and desire to do those things, I don't actually feel when I'm doing them. I'm emotionally flatlined a lot of the time.

Smitten said "I already know that there are times that I am with you, but not within you. And I am OK with that. Even if you remain just the way that you are, I love the person you are. But I've seen so much emotion in you. I believe that as you begin to be less afraid, and as you express more, all of the things you feel will come to the surface and you will be able to be the feeling person you want to be."