why did you take it? why did you take it again and again?

Why did you take the "beatings". Why did you take it? Why did you take it again and again? Why would you? What would compel you to accept the emotional trauma that she would visit on you repeatedly?

Those are questions that have come up from two sources - Smitten, and stbx-Mrs_C's counsellor. The counsellor is a PHD psychologist with about 30 years spent working primarily with trauma recovery, accident and injury recovery and addictions. He's worked for the regional health district (we have government health care here), in private practice and also works with the rehabilitation hospital.

According to the Family Assistance Plan personnel he's the top guy in this half of the province. So it appears that stbx-Mrs_C's lawyer did pick a good person. I am glad for that.

I went to see him originally just to introduce myself. I figured that it would be better for him to have met this shadowy figure that my ex-wife and son would be referring to. We spent the first session talking about the marriage and never got to talk about son. He said I should come back for another session. I went back yesterday. That would be after Monday's incident with stbx-Mrs_C, and after her Tuesday counselling session.

He has been asking me a lot of questions about the marriage and stbx-Mrs_C. He has been less counselling and more information retrieving. One of the set of questions he asked were the ones at the beginning of this post. Smitten has been pressing me with that set of questions for awhile. I finally had an answer for her when we spoke over the phone on Wednesday night and it provided the answer for the counsellor on Thursday.

I am the youngest in my family. My Dad was a relatively absent father - as were most fathers in that era. He was a progressive man for his time, but still was a bit of an inconsiderate lout. That is: he would suddenly show up with half a dozen or more people and my Mom would be scurrying to make a social event while Dad and his mover and shaker (for real movers and shakers) friends and guests would hold weighty discussions. We had no household help. We kids were the household help. We were trained (by necessity) from early how to assist, prepare, and serve.

I also hung out with the ladies at various events. I kinda like women better than men. Not that I have transgender leanings, I just like women more. I should rephrase that - I am highly attracted to women and have been since a very early age - for the most part I would rather go with that attraction than hang around guys. There was also a sexual component to wanting to hang out with the women even at that age (and the fact they were all "Mom aged" - probably why I've always been attracted to older/mature women).

The ladies were always the ones who would get things prepared and make sure the function would happen. The men would stand around talking and being important. Self important. They weren't particularly nice to me. The ladies were. I would hear the ladies complaining about the schnooks they were married to, and how they all went for the glory, while the women did all the work. It was the ladies who trained me in politics. The men provided the intellectual cover and framework, but it was the ladies who actually did the work that got shit done.

I swore I would never be a man like that. I would be the guy who did all the stuff, and who was sensitive to their needs, and helped - participated.

Being left wing types, they also all had copies of Germain Greer and Betty Friedan and other feminist authors. They would talk about these books. I would find them and read them while Mom visited. I was 5/6/7 years of age trying to make sense of what I was reading. My brain was a little more capable than my emotional maturity (and yes - I could read that much that well that young). I continued reading feminist authors all my life.

The Female Eunuch (Greer) "The title is an indication of the problem," Greer told the New York Times, "The book's main thesis is that the traditional, suburban, consumerist, nuclear family represses women sexually, and that this devitalizes them, rendering them "eunuchs"." "Women have somehow been separated from their libido, from their faculty of desire, from their sexuality. They've become suspicious about it. Like beasts, for example, who are castrated in farming in order to serve their master's ulterior motives — to be fattened or made docile — women have been cut off from their capacity for action. It's a process that sacrifices vigor for delicacy and succulence, and one that's got to be changed." (wikipedia)

I was in contact with women who were feminist leaders in Canada and the U.S. I liked them. I liked strong women. I could never stand simpering incompetent girly-girl crap. I still like attractive women, though - I'm not into the frump zone.

I hated it when my parents argued. I swore I would never do that. I would be even tempered and try to be always polite and considerate.

I read Playboy. I read The Erogenous Man. I read article after article about being a sensitive and giving sexual partner. I swore I would be that.

I read all my Mom's women's magazines. I read the articles about how men should really be. About what women really want in a man. I swore I would be that.

I would be the perfect man. Always giving. I am a large white male born to privilege. As I have grown I have developed a deep voice and a commanding and relatively powerful presence. I have guilt about that.

I swore I would never be an instrument of patriarchy. That I would fight to make white patriarchal society more egalitarian.

And then I met a woman who was a little fucked up. A victim of abuse. Well... "I as a boy, I believed the saying the cure for pain was love". Except this woman had abusive tendencies herself.

Now you answer the question: "Why did you take the "beatings". Why did you take it? Why did you take it again and again? Why would you? What would compel you to accept the emotional trauma that she would visit on you repeatedly?"