Tuesday, September 04, 2007

touch

Smitten has issues with her sacroiliac joint (SI joint) dating back to a motorcycle accident some 20 years ago. It affects her hip, back, and neck. She generally goes to the chiropractor - but with my influence has also begun massage and physiotherapy (I'm also able to provide massage and acupressure a couple of times a week). Where her condition was pretty consistent before, but only holding steady, it has drastically changed since the new therapies. Her pain is different, and her body is reacting differently. Most of the time she is better - sometimes she'll have a massive new effect. We (us and the medical professionals) believe that her body is shifting toward normalcy and that some of the extreme discomfort is muscles that have been in spasm or atrophied for years - complaining about being back in action.

Last weekend I spent most of Saturday (9 hours) giving her a massage (also ended up a couple more hours on Sunday). She was in pretty extreme discomfort. It's not the first time that it has been a whole day of constant touch - sometime massage or therapeutic touch - sometimes just touching.

She said to me "In the last year I have been touched more, I think, than I was for my entire life to date. Cumulative."

Kind of mind blowing.

She reminded me of what I had said on our first date (Smitten). She sort of interviewed me - asked a bunch of really personal questions. One of them - she asked me if I liked to touch. She asked me if I was the kid of person who casually touched while doing things in the kitchen or while walking or whatever.

After some hesitation my reply was "I'm touched starved."

"I don't know if I can do that because I haven't had the opportunity. I think I'd like to, I want to, but I don't know. All I know is that I am aching for simple touch."

Apparently that was some of the raw emotion and honesty that attracted her to me. She didn't realise at the time how much of a leap of faith it was for me to be that open emotionally. Maybe it doesn't seem like that big a deal to you either... But I've learned to be very guarded. That's part of what I'm trying to relearn.

I like to touch. I like to be touched.

I'm intending to take a series of massage courses so that I can be better at that, so I can help Smitten more. The massage, acupressure and reflexology based stuff I do already has been such a huge help to Smitten - I'd like to take it up one more level. If I can, through regular intervention, keep her pain free - it would be a wonderful thing.

And getting to touch for long periods of time is its own reward.

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What is the sacroiliac joint (SI joint)?
The sacroiliac joint is a firm, small joint that lies at the junction of the spine and the pelvis. Most often when we think of joints, we think of knees, hips, and shoulders--joints that are made to undergo motion. The sacroiliac joint does not move much, but it is critical to transferring the load of your upper body to your lower body.
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The boy has been hugging me more lately.

He did before sometimes, but often I was not completely receptive to him.

He's almost my size. That's kind of weird. Hugging a man... I try to hold him as long as he wants to be hugged.

Part of me says "What's wrong with him?" or "He must really be feeling the pressure or emotional trauma of the situation."

Or he could just want to closeness and support of a hug from his Dad.

I used to hug and hold him all the time. Until he got big. Then not.

I still hug and hold the girl, but still not as much as I used to (per hour of exposure).

There is a chunk of me that says it's wrong to hug him. That men don't hug - and if they do - only with women or children.

My parents weren't touchy feely. Our family has huge personal space. I can remember hugging my Mom once outside of childhood. So that would be once in the last 30 years. I'm not sure if I hugged my dad in that period.

I've never hugged my brother (and have no desire to).

I remember how freaky it was when my sister started doing the hug thing. I just froze.

That was kind of like hugging my mom when I did 10-20 years back... She was completely stiff to my hug/contact.

Yeah - a little uptight...

7 comments:

Honi said...

touch is a very good thing... the only time I get any relief from my pain.. 3 herniated disks mid spine and neck... is when steve rubs my back... I have so much nerve pain and muscular pain.. that sometimes it really gets me depressed.. but when he touches.. or rubs my back.. i get a little breather.. I get a break from pain.. there is nothing debilitating like the lack of touch and the sufication of pain.. it can be very wearing on a soul... Touch is good.. Hugging is heaven.. always remember that the greatest gift you can give anyone is helping them be free of pain.. even if its for a few minutes... nothing really can beat that peace.....

t_cole said...

hug the boy. as often as he will let you. for as long as he will let you. it's human. it's natural. and it's healthy. and perhaps it will stave off any touch depravation that might come in his life.
my dad hugs me and my grown brothers. i LOVE it. Big huge bear hugs - not those sissy hand shake hugs with the other arm over the shoulder.
hug your son.
hug your daughter.
don't second guess it.

my best wishes for smitten on her continued recovery. A+ to you for your contributions and concern.
((((((cadbury)))))

Crabby said...

I come from a family that never hugged. It was taboo. You just didn't do it. It took years for me to see that wasn't the way normal loving families behaved.

A 9 hour massage??? DUDE, you ROCK!

Sicilian said...

MR. C. . . . from a huggy touchy person. . . . it is the key to relationships. . . all types. Of course you are talking to someone where we kiss and hug all the time no matter what the sex or relationship.
Hug your son as long as he'll let you. . . . he will realize that it is ok and normal by your reaction.
I have discovered the most sensual kind of touch I have ever done occurs while shaving Sweetie's head. I have never shaved a man's head and I love being that close and slathering shaving cream all over his head. He relaxes . . . I realax. . . . kind of. . . . I told him that if I were a man he'd be able to see what a simple act like shaving a head can do.
Touch on Mr. C. . . . everyone's health improves.
Ciao

SignGurl said...

I'm so jealous of a 9 hour massage! Lucky Smitten!

I've not been a huge proponent of touch during my life. I guess it stems from the abuse I suffered as a child. I have, however, recently decided to try and be more "touchy". I'm enjoying it.

I have always hugged my girls as much as they would allow. My 15 year old daughter still comes to me sometimes and wants to be held. Sometimes I just grab her and hug her even when she doesn't want it.

I think kids are different than we were at their age. They see so much less of us than we did of our parents. They feel the need to have physical contact to feel close to us.

Even if it makes you uncomfortable, keep hugging the boy. At least you know what he's up to. He needs male closeness to help him through these rough times.

Balloon Pirate said...

Wow. I can't ever imagine NOT hugging my kids.

Sounds like your son is as touch-starved as you were. He's seen you and your changes and openness, and wants some.

I'm guessing he's wanted the hugs for some time now.

Ignore that part of you that feels uncomfortable. It's just self-centered fear. But I'll bet I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

I try not to advise people--especially on the blogging machine--but I make an exception here.

Hug the boy.

yeharr

cadbury_vw said...

Honi:

i understand pain. when you talk about the suffocation of pain... my fibromyalgia was that - the fog... and being pain free if only for a few moments

as i've mentioned before - i have a decent tolerance for pain - i get minor surgery (incisions/stitches) and teeth drilled without anesthetic - and the fog of the FM pain

i am sorry for your pain - it must be very difficult for you. i am glad you have someone in your life who can help you a bit and supports you

Cole:

i'm trying. i don't come from a huggy clan. probably for the same reasons SignGurl mentions in her comments - both my Mom and Dad came from an abusive households. My grandparents were great people in many ways on both sides, but the era they came from (the depression) was far removed from today's sensibility about violence and interpersonal niceties...

yeah - not much hugging. except for my Baba (mom's side), but she had her own special issues - she's been dead for about 15 years and her kids are still fighting for/over her affection

Crabby:

yeah. hugging.

not hugging. not normal.

i want to hug and to hold. like i said - women and children - and then my son became not a child and it dropped away. hugged him all the time as a kid. and then he hit over 5 feet tall and then started wearing almost the same size as the "new" me... he does wear some of my clothes now...

and thank-you on the massage - it was only 7 hours straight. then we put out her hip out a bit getting it on... then took two more hours to put things back

Sicilian:

i always envied people like you

who hugged and touched

i'm trying. casual touch is not part of my normal repertoire

SignGurl:

i'm pushing through the discomfort because i know it's the right thing to do. the right way to be. the right way to live life.

on your other comment. i figure i'm lucky to have someone who wants me to touch them for 7 hours at a time... someone who is prepared to let me spend that much time.

if she wasn't in that much pain it wouldn't have happened. if i have any advice - it would be for people to convince themselves (or their partner) that they actually have 7-9 hours to spend touching/massaging

stbx wouldn't have allowed it - or if she did, i would have paid for the work/cleaning that didn't get done

i think it is a real mind shift that puts value into that much physical contact - that it helps *clean* one's soul

Pirate:

i hugged my kids too. i hugged the boy too. all the time.

stbx sometimes said she was jealous of all the hugging and holding they got (but wouldn't let me when i tried so much with her...)

then i got sick for a couple of years and it was all i could do to just survive.

and while i was surviving he became as big as me

i can't say i'm used to touching man sized people. he's huge.

so i'm trying

yeah - i'm uncomfortable. really bad sometimes. what is it...? women and children are ok. males - not.

where'd i learn that?

really

i don't remember