kids counselling update

the kids have been to additional sessions

daughter 3 sessions - ms counsellor

son 2 - mr counsellor

son's counsellor and i talked after his second session (son was in the van a few feet away - had the window open a bit). i approached him with a book that i wanted him to review if he hadn't already read it. Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem. mr counsellor had read it. he told me that ethically he couldn't "treat" son as though his mother was BPD unless she had been diagnosed. i countered that even if she wasn't diagnosed, that she had those behaviours and that he could work with that. he agreed. he said that it matched what son had been telling him.

mr counsellor told me that son told him that son liked to "mix it up" with his mom. to debate her - to try to argue her into changing her behaviours. i told mr counsellor that son had plenty of years of modelling to follow watching me try to "fix" and help stbx - and that son's efforts to "fix" his mom were sincere. mr counsellor said "i think that's one of the points of that book your holding - you can't fix her". mr counsellor said he had been talking to son about establishing boundaries and just realising that son's mother was simply wrong in her behaviours and actions - that they were unacceptable and that he could say that - cal her on her behaviours.

mr counsellor told me that there had been a shift in son's attitude since the previous/first session. in the first session son seemed to be still asking himself what he could do to change, and thinking that he was in the wrong somehow - that if son changed in some way his mother wouldn't do what she does. this session son appeared to be saying "mom is the one with the problem - it's in her, not me"

mr counsellor said that he had begun working with son on how to define and establish personal boundaries - especially with his mother. mr counsellor told me that mr counsellor's sister is manic depressive and has these kinds of erratic behaviours. he has plenty of experience in boundaries with a loved one - he has to help his own family through the weird episodes - the cycles. mr counsellor said that one of his other sisters still doesn't get it and phones him every time the manic depressive one is "off" - and will listen to the manic depressive one rant on for hours. even the manic depressive says (after regaining lucidity) "why do you listen to me? you know that i'm having an episode, just cut me off"

mr counsellor is working with son on two things right now - boundaries and relaxation - the sleep issues. he said that son told mr counsellor that son is really happy to be working out and says that even these couple of weeks have really helped him (son).

daughter is still happy to go to ms counsellor. i went to each of these sessions this week with intent - to make sure that the counsellors knew what they were dealing with. i had identified my perception that stbx was BPD in the initial sessions, but i believed that they discounted it somewhat as just a bitter ex-spouse.

today i had daughter read a couple of segments out of the book (if you read the excerpt that is available on amazon through the link above you will see one of the checklists i had her read). i had read stuff from this book to the kids before, but it hadn't clicked. i had daughter read some - after she read the first bit (which i will excerpt below) she turned and gave me an exaggerated look of disbelief (humourous undertones) all wide eyed and shocked looking. she was all "oh my god!"

"Since you're reading this book, it's likely that your borderline parent:

- was so intent on getting her own needs met that she couldn't take care of yours - or perhaps even differentiate her needs from yours

- looked to you to provide him with unconditional love rather than the other way around

- either emotionally abandoned you or smothered and controlled you, leading to feelings of worthlessness, shame, and rage

- made you feel that she only loved you for what you could achieve, not who you were

- had unpredictable moods, alternating between loving and cruel words and actions"

she was kind of bowled over

i remember when i read the book the first time. i felt like i had been hit by a truck. i threw up after reading it.

when i raised that book and another one called "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder" with ms counsellor, she asked "why are you showing me these? does it sound like anyone you know"

i said "perhaps [daughter] can answer that question - i just had her read these checklists"

ms counsellor said "i can kind of guess who it might be"

we both said yeah it sounded like the stbx

ms counsellor said that she had wondered if that was what was up with stbx

i left them for their session and wandered about

after the session i asked daughter if she was still good with ms counsellor. daughter said yes, but said she was much happier with today because in previous sessions ms counsellor had been saying things like "you have to understand how your mom was brought up" and "that's her background and that's why she says the things she does" - these comments were about the conflict daughter was having with her mom on clothing. conduct, and bi-sexuality. daughter tried to argue - said that it was different than that kind of thing - that it was simply because her mother was a "colossal dumbass". apparently ms counsellor was addressing daughter's issues more from a standard cultural/generational analysis.

not today

with those books beside her and daughter referring to the checklisted behaviour it put a whole new vector onto their discussion.

when i picked daughter up, ms counsellor said that next time they were going to work on some breathing and relaxation techniques and on daughter's anger

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i see progress in both cases

i see real issues being addressed