what was the moment you realised?

"what was the moment you realised when you were going to leave him? what was the moment when you got it? really got it?"

that was the question i asked Smitten

it followed a got it moment of my own

got it about the nature of stbx-Mrs_C

got it that she's ill

that she is really and truly fucked

i knew it before

have for awhile

but i didn't get it

there was always this bewilderment about why she would do the things she did - sort of like a child trying to understand why their parent was beating them, or a dog coming back for some pets after getting whacked around

the unanswered question of why?

and the answer is:

'cause

'cause she's fucked

it's just the way it is

i get it

there's no fixing, there's no change coming, there's no reasoning or solving, or anything

----

i'm such an eternal optimist

i cannot believe that anything cannot be fixed

that's part of the problem and part of the reason i was trapped

----

getting it first really hit me when she did her hawaii thing. then with her reactions after. then when i read some of the books i was reading.

i read the descriptions of BPD people - and the reactions of their family and spouses

one of the things that the walking on eggshells book talked about was how BPD people will alter facts to fit what they are feeling - that emotions rather than rationality create the facts of a situation

the BPD person cannot fathom how they can feel this way, so they change facts/memories to create a rationale for their feelings

----

i have always questioned myself - thought that i didn't get it. highly competitive family - parents who could always find something - some piece - wrong with everything i did - even if they were supportive - always something was missed or wrong. i picked friends who did the same thing to me. my wife did the same.

i feel different now

----

part of it is that my parents are less capable - with their respective infirmities - i cannot rely on them any more

my boss is gone - he always protected me

even stbx-Mrs_C was a security blanket of a kind - financially and her insistence that she was always correct - her insight into people (often very sharp - being beaten and abused as a child makes a person hyper-aware of others' moods and such - hey?) gave me the feeling that someone (her) actually knew what was going on

because i never felt like i got the world - that something was hiding from me

and when things didn't work out i could rely on others to tell me how the world really works - because people just didn't act the way i thought they should - i thought people should be sane - sane to my view of the world - i have found i am not in the majority when it comes to my worldview - that most people are just running scared and don't think much about what they do - they react - they don't try tot make things fit in grand philosophical frameworks and consistent ethical and behavioural structures

i have no protectors anymore

no one to shield me

so i have to stick my head up all by myself

i have to use my own eyes and order the world in my own way

a little daunting - but i have found my views to be accurate

that i am steady - even if i have to steady myself - hold myself up

i have discovered that i'm OK

----

i am the protector

i have children and others who rely on me

i am strong

my decisions are rational and precise - of quality - they reflect the world we live in today - not the leave it to beaver constructs of yesteryear

----

getting it - like when you are learning math. you do your first few problems by rote - by using the system you have been shown - you know it intellectually, but you don't get it. you get the right answer - but you feel a little panicked or anxiety that you really don't know how you got there.

and then one day you just get it. the knowledge becomes a part of you. you are fully confident in your ability because you know it - you get it

that's how i feel

that is why i wrote the blog post below - i am

i suddenly get it. i have no reason to doubt myself on the stbx front

i also realised the dysfunction of my workplace. i get it - the two realisations clicked at the same time - they are related

i have seized control - i do not have to question myself so much - i understand

----

there's more to the path of realisation that i will relate at some later point - but i don't feel like tracing that memory path at this time. i did some of that yesterday and it only brought me down from the high i had

brought me down from my feeling of capability, confidence, and surety

so i don't care to go there today

i may not go there much in the future

i imagine i will continue to examine my actions, thoughts, and emotions in a self-aware and self-questioning manner, but i feel different

it's like when i felt sexy for awhile (still hoping that feeling will come back) - it steeped my whole body - it was a bodily feeling

that is how i feel right now

surety and confidence permeate me - i sure hope it continues - i remember what happened to feeling sexy

but i get it

and i feel good

i do not have that deep questioning inside myself about whether i am just wrong like i usually do

i am confident and powerful

i am capable and assured