steps

as i had mentioned in some past postings i have discussed with my kids that if things ever got bad enough at their mother's place, that they would have a place to stay with me (The Trail (Part 2)The Trail (Part 1)

that they might have to consider moving in full time with me if things got really unstable

i mentioned it again today to daughter

i had picked her up to go to her counselling

her mother had gone kind of weird on her that morning

you see, daughter's appointment was at 10am. they had a school mass that morning (catholic school [government funded here]). they would be leaving for the mass at about 9:30. about the time i would be picking her up for counselling. daughter proposed that she just miss the first half hour of school as well (starts at 9am). i said OK.

her mother was still home (12:30-9 shift week) had a fit and told her that by law she had to go to school at age 12...

and booted her out the door

daughter went to school

for 15 minutes

that's when her class left for mass - 9:15am

i had called the school to excuse her for the morning

her mother had left the house by the time daughter got back to the house - gone for smokes or some such

daughter was just baffled by her mother's behaviour. her mother had told daughter that she was disappointed in her. without even saying why. just kept repeating that she was disappointed in her and that she had to go to school because she was 12 and that it was required by law.

maybe it is some kind of "look, i'm a good parent too" or "look - i'm a better parent than you" thing bubbling up in the stbx's mind. god only knows with that woman. especially after i have given stbx grief about son missing school. maybe that's it. i don't know...

but daughter was upset about it, saying "i just don't care what she says anymore"

i talked about her statement - pointing out that no matter how much you say you don't care - when someone makes a comment like that - even someone you have dismissed - it still can burn - but that it is a question of being aware enough of the hurt - because being still hurt emotionally, but thinking in your head that it shouldn't matter causes more anxiety as you feel bad, but think you should be tougher because you've decided it shouldn't matter...

if that made any sense to anyone but me

i told her that while i still thought that the best scenario for the kids would be to have both parents in their lives equally, that in recent times i had begun to worry that being around their mother was actually unhealthy for them

that their mother was causing more damage than good

that i had no agenda to make them move, or to cut off their mother - just that i was worried about the long term effects of their mother's instability. i cited her brother's break-down as an example of what i was worried would continue to happen

again - i stressed that their was no agenda - just that i was sharing my worry and concern, and that i wanted to inject the consideration of the idea of moving in with me full-time

daughter told me that she had already decided that she wanted to move out with friends when she was "17 or so" and get her own place. that she had already been thinking about changing her living arrangements.

i asked if the moving out with friends thing was because then she wouldn't have to appear to be making a choice between her mom and i. she said no, that wasn't it.

i told her that i thought that moving out on her own would be a poor choice - that at 17 she still needed guidance - and that many things can go wrong - that a positive parent can be of value

that i want them to remain living with me at least until they are done high school, and hopefully part of their post-secondary.

daughter mumbled some acknowledgment and we went inside for her counselling session.

i dropped her with her counsellor and wandered around the area until she was done

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we made another appointment for next week. while driving away i told daughter to keep her appointment card secure from her mother because if her mother was rifling through daughter's stuff she might decide to go off on a tear if she found the card and decided she wanted to inject herself into the counsellor relationship (kids counselling and outcomes). when i signed both son and daughter up i made sure that i requested and instructed both counsellors to not disclose anything to me outside of fear of doing harm to themselves. i did this in front of the kids. i made sure that it was clear that this was to be a place the kids could find refuge and privancy. i made sure to outline my concerns that their mother might dig into their files if she was to contact the counsellors (stbx does not know the counsellors' identities). i asked them to not keep full records of the visits in order to make sure that the counselling records could not be subpoenaed or accessed by their mother. the kids chimed in on this as well - they don't want their mother to even know the names of the counsellors. they hadn't said anything to me, but i knew it was a concern they had from the counsellor their mother took them to - that their counsellor would be a pawn or participant. i made sure to cut that one off immediately. i am very sensitive to their feelings (yeah - i think i can confidently say that) and knew it. they hadn't even figured it out for themselves - but as soon as i articulated it they were all over it and said that they had been worried about that sort of thing - about their privacy

i have not asked about any content of their sessions

but they have shared some details

i remain open to them - as much as any parent can be, i guess