Hell weekend - Part 2 (scheduling the day)

Read Part 1 below first

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In the 9:30 - 10:00 am period I was also trying to rouse my daughter from bed (son was at my parents overnight visiting and doing some work at their place). A friend of daughter's called to invite her over in the early afternoon.

Mrs_C got called in to work to look after a development there (2 hours call-in).

What was going to be a straightforward weekend had hit a minor scheduling snarl which should have been easy to untangle, but Mrs_C was dragging her feet on making a decision.

While waiting for a response on how things would be scheduled between going to the art show, the call-in, daughter going to friend, picking up son, and my exercise I did dishes and cleaned the house.

This made it easy for Mrs_C to put off a decision because there was activity to divert attention - the time slipped away. She also put off making a call to her sister (parent of nieces) to see if they would go at the same time as us. Mrs_C wanted to do her own thing but felt obligated to do all this and go with her sister and instead of making a quick decision. The easy window for me to go exercise was slipping away as was the ability to juggle everything else.

I broached the subject and insisted on getting a response on timing because I wanted to go exercise. This opened the flood. Apparently when I had put her off on going to this barbeque I had told her in her mind that I was embarrassed to be seen in public with her. [you should feel how my heart is pounding and stomach flopping with anxiety even just typing this now that it is all over]

I will spare you the about an hour long bizarre logic train and discussion involved with this supposition. It also meanders into my exercise being an excuse to spend time away from her and that I seem to be arranging things to maximise my time away from her. She wouldn't listen to me pointing out that my plan for the day would maximise time together and provide the largest amount of time for all the things she wanted to do. She was on her tear and there was no escape.

She was saying things like "I know that I am too fat and too ugly and you're embarrassed to be around me," and "I'm just too stupid for you to want to be with me, and I accept that." She would cut me off and argue and divert when I tried to address any of these statements or the other stuff she dragged into the situation - always with the most bizarre twist you can imagine.

Even saying I would defer my exercise to any time she wanted over the weekend wasn't good enough because the conversation was now about me trammeling her with my agenda - that she had priorities too, but they always got put off in favour of what everyone else wanted to do and that her priorities had been put off for the entire period of our marriage and even before we got married (she didn't move to a different city because she wanted to be with me).

It ended up that she had put things off so long, and ranted for so long, and wasted so much time, that her sister had left without her. She was going to be late going in to go to work, and the entire window for me to exercise, and then us to go to the art show, and then her go to work had been wasted on her ranting fit. Daughter had already advised her friend that it would not work out for her and daughter's friend to get together.

I went to exercise, she went to work (took our daughter with her). I met them at home after we were both done (2 hours) and we were to go to the art show.

Someplace in here she says she's going to leave and live somewhere else, and I would stay in the house because I couldn't afford to find my own place (not actually true, but it let's her skewer me one more time on financial issues). She also was still in her "I'm fat/ugly/useless" mode (none of which is true, by the way - let me underline that!). I say "What about the kids?" and she says "They should stay with the better parent, and there's no argument that you are the better parent." I respond that the kids need both parents in their lives and that we need to discuss this a little better than the scenario she is thrusting onto our family's lives.

Mrs_C had also by this point been saying stuff about not even going to the show with me (I wanted to be there for the nieces - I like them, they like me). And then about not going to the show at all - she told daughter and I to go without her. Daughter said that she would not go without her mother. Mrs_C gave in. We went.

When we arrived at the show she refused to walk with me. Our poor daughter (10 years old) was just fluttering around her mother trying to facilitate Mrs_C having a good time (daughter had hid in her room, but had heard plenty - including the "I'm to fat, too ugly, and too stupid rant"). Mrs_C tried to put daughter off from hanging around her (daughter REALLY wanted to go to the art show - 10 year old girl with mega artsy crafty tendencies - cousins in their early 20s with booth at art show - cousins are brilliant [high marks, degrees, ethnic dancers - like my daughter] drop dead gorgeous [really, really, really gorgeous] and "artsy stylin" with similarly attractive artsy friends - all wearing great "artsy/hottie fashion" - they take daughter out for coffee and dessert, art shows, shopping, movies, and play-days when they are in town [and they are completely sincere in enjoying time with her - these are wonderful young women] - daughter thinks the sun rises and sets on them and wants to be just like them).

We wander around show - put on a reasonable show for the nieces when we get to their booth (they don't need to know what's going on) - we wander a little more.

It may sound stupid and inane, but it was horrifying to be in the middle of all of this. I was ready to run in circles screaming and moaning or just puke. I felt awful for the girl (daughter). I tried to pry her way from Mrs_C, but daughter wouldn't go. I was really worried that this was an indication of how things would turn out if we ever split.

It's all a little fuzzy at this point. Someplace in here Mrs_C tells me she wants to go home and for me not to be there - and that I should go pick up son. Someplace in here she tells me she's packing a bag and leaving to think about things while I'm out doing the taxi run. Someplace in here it also is the case that it is sprinkling/raining and we need to pick up son at an outdoor sporting practice instead of the initial plan of me dropping Mrs_C off at home. We do so - pick up son and his friend and their equipment.

I drop Mrs_C at home, she has said things (so only I can hear) in the vehicle like "You drop son's friend off, and I'll pack while you're gone - take both kids with you to do the drop off" and "So - you're ok with this?" My response was "NO - we need to talk." It's not that I had a problem with her leaving, I just was concerned about the kids and how they would take it - especially daughter.

But the inevitability of it all just cruised forward. I had by this point decided that even if I ended up losing my daughter (in the spiritual and connection sense), that I could not go forward this way. That I would have to abandon her to the maelstrom - to try to hold on would kill both of us - if I let go long enough to regain myself, maybe I could rescue her, or find a new connection to her in the future.

(One or more of you have said to me that I have to save myself first in order to be there for my children. Someone compared it to putting on your own oxygen mask first in the event of cabin depressurisation.

I had talked to a friend of mine last week [the guy I went on the Asia/Pacific business trip with last summer before first announcing I was leaving]. I had asked him about the actual logistics of packing up and walking out the door - how do you do it? My friend said that there was no right setting - you just had to do it when you were strong enough. He said that he had left his first wife - with his children crying at the door. There was strain and some resentment from his kids. He said that now - five or so years later - his kids want to stay with him and don't even want to go back to their mother's place [our jurisdiction's joint custody rules again]).

I dropped Mrs_C off at home - daughter tried to get out with Mrs_C - Mrs_C said "NO". Daughter asked "Why?" Mrs_C says "Just go" and closes the vehicle door. And we left to drop off son's friend.