So I asked Mrs_C why we went from splitting to staying together (see last post) in 40 quick hours. She said "I'm sorry if I misinterpreted what you said." The background:
On Monday we had been talking about our son and some of the problems he has/had - he's his own person. He is capable, intelligent, knowledgeable, insightful, polite, nice, and an incredible human being (see the post "My Son") - and an incredibly maddening human being. But he could give a shit about popularity or social games or systems of authority. He will challenge anyone or anything - politely - but resolutely. He has been this way since he was tiny. He operates in his own universe of right and wrong, of motivation and un-motivation. He will happliy ignore almost anything that doesn't fit with his view of the multiverse. You can see where he would have problems at school and with the school hierarchy.
On Monday we had been talking about our son and some of the problems he has/had. In the context of splitting, Mrs_C asked "How are we going to deal with his trials and tribulations? It'll be a lot harder." - I said "Don't worry, we'll deal with it together." Some emphasis on together.
Mrs_C says she thought I meant we would stay togther.
You know - this made perfect sense last night when i was talking to her, but when I read the above words on the page, it looks and sounds really lame as explanations go...
Anyway, it all made perfect rational sense and perfect emotional sense to me last night when I asked and we talked. She said that she would accept, without any trouble, whatever I decide. That she understands that I could not live in the conditions that her emotional instability and neediness created. That I could not live with the atmosphere that our children were living in. That she understands that I care about her, and that I am motivated to leave primarily out of fear and anxiety over the way she treated me when she "got going". That she realises that she was wrong to do what she did. That she understands she needs help. That she needs assessment and therapy. And a bunch of other things.
Mrs_C was completely different on Monday and Tuesday. I'm hyperattuned to differences in her frame of mind and those two days - and even yesterday - were like nothing else before. She feels different. My gut, my heart, and my soul say there's something different about her.
My head.
In my universe head and heart are two different things. Emotions, to me, are like the weather. Little understood, uncontrollable, changing by the hour (you'd have to live where I live to quite understand weird irrational weather - we have days that see 80F evening, below freezing night with snow, and back up over 80F by noon (in June...) there are special warnings on our airport for pilots because the wind can change directions so quickly so often.
My head.
My head says "You've begun a course of action. Your reasons were rational and considered when you started. On examination they are all still sound. Follow through on your course of action."
My head.
My heart and my soul.
They have two different views of reality at this life altering moment. Life altering for at least my nuclear family. Life altering for many more.
I believe in redemption.
I believe in all the goodness the world can provide. With all my heart and all my soul.
[to be editted in the permanent version of this post]
My mind, however, belongs to a more cynical place. While I believe in goodness and light. While my heart bleeds for the downtrodden and the hungry, my mind exists in a far more brutal place. What do I do? I'm not just a computer guy. Think about "Willie Horton ads" and "swift boat dudes for truth" and you will begin to understand what kind of computer and media/multi-media guy I am. Except I work for the good guys and they work for the bad guys. I see power and backstabbing and backbiting and the worst a non-bullet oriented society can bring. My daily role is to sieve my opponents work and destroy them. I have seen so much lying and skulduggery that my mind has to be divorced from my heart.
[/end of editable section]
And now I make a decision about Mrs_C.
I asked my son if he had sensed any change in the last few days. He said "Not much, but I haven't talked to her much, so I don't know."
Head or heart?
Head or heart?
Head or heart?
“All I want is for the baby to be healthy!”
8 months ago
6 comments:
I too believe in ‘redemption’. (Perhaps in your self…perhaps in your life, your children’s lives. Redemption=RESCUE)
I guess I will email the rest. I got a little long winded.
This is something only you can answer.
I'm just scared for you and the children that this is another one of her games.
She's so good at them and has played to many.
How can you tell what's real and what's not?
But I don't know her.
I only know the horrible way she's treated you and the children and what she's put you through.....
What about a trial separation?
It would be interesting to see how she reacts to that....
what she would do if you ACTUALLY left her instead of just talking about it.
I don't think she really believes you'll ever leave her.
She's a professional at the mind games she plays with you.
don't forget that.
good luck.
I'll be the heartless-sounding one here.
You need to listen to reality and ask her to leave. She's already admitted that you're the better parent, the one with the positive coping and modeling skills.
If you "listen to your heart," you're merely allowing her games to rule the roost yet again. You're also validating her ploy to manipulate the structure of your marriage.
Personally, I think you know what's best. You know it's time to have her leave...yet you've lived in chaos for so long that you're accustomed to it no matter how painful it is. I've seen too many people stay in horrific relationships because, at best, they were predictable. Don't become one of them, Cad.
Once again, I say look at the reactions of your children when they first heard that you were splitting up.
Energy and happiness existed. When did the bubble pop? When your wife returned and you and she jumped back into the discussion mode.
Right now, I see you as a willing participant. Take yourself out of the equation; save yourself and your children.
my head gets so messed up when i'm around her
it's hard to keep things straight
she's the only person who can do this to me (that i'm aware of)
i recognise the relative insanity of the position reflected by my feelings
that is part of why i posted this
i needed to impose a rational construct - i cannot find my way through the emotional chaos
----
navigation metaphor:
because i am aware of my disorientation, i rely on the positions of others with a view on the situation to be able to judge my own relative position
by judging my own positions against those outside constants, i am able to navigate my own course
i am reading your comments carefully
you have a distance from the situation
you are also making judgements based on the filter that your knowledge is derived from what you read in my own words - you are able to bounce back at me the reality i project
thank-you for helping maintain my bearings
----
i just spoke with my mother at length
she told me about her friend's son who recently separated
his situation had a number of parallels with mine
he said to his mother that the thing he didn't realise was how impossible it was for him to make a straight decision until he was actually able to get out from the emotional grinder and get some sleep
my mother asked some of the same questions you ask or imply:
- is she for real?
- is it just a game?
- how long will it last - 4 days? 4 weeks? 4 months?
- can you deal with it if it breaks down again? will you have enough strength?
- good intentions are fine - what concrete steps will she take?
- should you be together while those steps are being taken?
and much more - she is my mom. she said that she felt uncomfortable sayin some of what she did, because both she and my father have tried to stay out of the situation. they don't want to try to tell me what to do for all the reasons
i said the same to her as to you
i NEED the navigational marker
That statement "together" looks lame because it IS lame. She grasped onto the ONLY word she wanted to hear. YOU allowed her to, in your own way, because within you...you DO want to be together, only with the woman you married. Not the woman she has become.
Don't listen to your heart or your head. Listen to the words of your very own son.
"I asked my son if he had sensed any change in the last few days. He said 'Not much, but I haven't talked to her much, so I don't know.'"
He's the smart one. He's avoiding her at all costs. And, whatever changes there HAVE been...they haven't been significant enough for him to notice...or care.
Newsflash, Cad.
There is NOTHING different about your wife other than her motivation.
Nothing. Not one single thing.
You just made a move in her game that she didn't expect. So, she had to change up her strategy.
No one changes in a day, Cadbury.
No one.
Please think about that. I know what your heart and soul are telling you...but it is because they are longing for it to be so. You are seeing what you want to see. Your head, however, knows better.
You stayed in this marriage this long by listening to your heart and soul.
Listen to your head now.
You DEMAND changes.
1) She goes to therapy TWICE a week, once with you...once alone.
2) She gets medicated for depression...because she sounds a tad manic to me.
3) She joins you at a gym so that you two can get heart healthy and mind healthy simultaneously.
4) NO MORE THROWING UP THE PAST...EVER. Clean slate. New start. The second she starts accusing you of cheating, lying, leaving, etc., you are gone.
Make her put it all in writing and sign it.
Then, I will believe she is on the road to change.
It's a LONG drive.
CP.
PS: I love your mom.
CP.
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