We had only agreed in principle and I was deciding whether to go or not (and looking up possible locations) when I wrote Yes, I'm a Twit. That decision, and my expectation that I would agree to go was part of the subtext to Yes, I'm a Twit.
There are some pics of where we went on the other blog Monday, June 26, 2006 Weekend Away - Some Pictures.
I know you are all thinking "Well, she reeled him in good with this one", or, at least, I'm thinking that, however, I did it anyway. I went away for a weekend alone. No distractions. Talking, but not "garage conversations". She is at the very least saying the right things.
We talked for the whole weekend. We had fun. We saw new things. We didn't have kids with us. We talked more. We cooked on the deck of the condo, we drank wine (yes - we got it on too), I broke diet a bit - we had ice cream and souvlaki and many good things that were within diet. We discussed how we believed we'd arrived at the situation we were in. We discussed candidly our motivations, feelings, and emotional state surrounding any number of events and times since we we began seeing each other. The whole ball of wax - or at least as much as could be fit in this weekend.
It was apretty wonderful weekend. Should have done it long ago.
When I told my friend (the one whose email I quote on the other blog Friday, June 16, 2006 An email I received) and the one that inspired the the title for the post Thursday, June 22, 2006 SUCKER, she said "It's amazing what people will say when they're desperate." My friend's a hoot - I think you'd all like her.
Mrs_C is saying that she recognises her behaviour as completely unacceptable. That it is irrational and unstable and says she has treated me like shit. She says that because she recognises just how vicious and miserable she has been, she will let me go without causing a commotion if that is what I decide to do. She says she wants to stay together, that she loves me, and that she wants to try to make ammends for what she has done. I have always said I don't want ammends. That sort of power imbalance and reparative based interaction is improper. I don't want someone kissing my ass ro sucking up - I'm uncomfortable with it and don't like it. All I've ever asked for is change in behaviour.
Yes. I'm very concerned it is some kind of game, even though she has declared herself past playing games.
My daughter broke down and cried on Monday evening of last week when her mother told her that we might be splitting (Tuesday, June 20, 2006 Monday, Monday). She's been hiding in her room a lot. A marked contrast to her reaction when her Mom went out the door. Kids are strange that way. Was my daughter really happy on the day her Mom left, or was she so stunned she didn't know what to do? Did she base her reaction on mine? On my wife's on Monday? Did they not believe their Mom was really gone last Saturday?
Son has been escaping a lot into his computer games and staying away with friends.
CP: I love my Mom too. I rely on my parents a lot when my own compass is fucked up. That, to me, is the major thing that a parent is there for (beyond basic creature comforts). A child is not fully developed. It is up to us as parents to use our experiential filter to help children interpret events and make the right decision based on a larger experience set than the child's. That is why modelling is so important. That's why the effect on my kids of all of this is such a huge factor for me.
My Mom independently gave me roughly the same advice as CP (an amusing coincidence...). Make a set of conditions which have to be met. Mrs_C should:
- See a doctor to assess her medical/mental state. Is she Bi-Polar or something similar?
- See a counsellor regularly (not here and there, but at least weekly). Those visits should be together with me and solo.
- Eat on a regular schedule (Mrs_C skips meals all the time)
- Stop attacking me
- Allow me to sleep - not wake-ups or interuptions
I put these demands and a couple of others to Mrs_C. The above and:
- Pick an activity that is hers alone - not for us, and not for the household, just hers and do it.
- Have a set bedtime that allows both of us to get at least 7 hours of sleep each night
- Get some friends and spend time with them
(also: Mrs_C said she wants to try a modified version of my diet (she can't eat some fo the stuff on the list). She wants to do it, not for weight reasons, but for health (this goes with eating regularly and quitting smoking). She wants to exercise as well.)
I have come to realise that part of my problem is that I run from conflict when it is involves people who are emotionally close to me. That conflict avoidance has been the source of a bunch of problems in our marriage.
My tax and business issues and spreading out the payments and hiding it from Mrs_C was to avoid the conflict with her. Buckling in fights all the time was a conflict avoidance thing. Running up my credit cards recently was also trying to paper over conflict with money.
I told Mrs_C that my action in return for the above stated demands is that I would fight with her. I would actually hold my ground and put up a fight instead of trying to placate, smooth over, problem/conflict solve, avoid subjects, or give in.
I have not said that I will be staying. The above demands were made in the context of "Before we can consider anything, I have some demands."
A warning bell for me:
Mrs_C said that she wanted to only have us discuss things for right now with our marriage counsellor. She said that she knew I talked to some other people, and on the internet and that she was of the opinion that other people's opinions were colouring mine to the point of getting me worked up and angry.
Mrs_C cited the example of her sister telling her that she shouldn't take it from me and that Mrs_C did all the work in our marriage and that was the problem. Mrs_C said that her sister would always seem to move quickly from the topic of our marriage to her own and seemed to be projecting her own issues onto myeslf and Mrs_C. This was Mrs_C's reasoning as to why I might be getting bad advice off friends.
I told her she was wrong, and that the times i came home all pissed off were when I had been writing in my journal and reflecting on my own feelings (not 100% accurate, but I wasn't going to give that ground - sometimes I had just finished writing a piece on this blog - only semantically different from writing in my journal, in my opinion - there is a huge crossover between the two).
----
For information on the lawyer visit, click here. I am legally safe even if I do move out.
----
I still haven't made up my mind what the hell I'm going to do.
I am trying to stand up on my own two legs in this situation. I am setting my own boundaries. I am setting my own conditions. Am I brave or strong enough to hold my position? Time will tell.
I want to see how Mrs_C carries through. I share your collective skepticism about the sudden conversion. She has a couple of tiny bursts of weird emotion pop up since last Monday, but she is keeping it well contained.
A few of you have stated your skepticism about whether Mrs_C can carry through for any length of time. We'll see. Summer time is here. I had planned on being out the door in a few days. She's bought herself some time with this latest maneuever. Even if my actions belie my attitude, I'm not in a particularly forgiving mood.
I've got some plans about life that I want to get underway, and I'm not going to sit around waiting. I've done that long enough.
5 comments:
I've told you before that my husband was married to someone else before he was married to me.
They were married for 25 years.
He was miserable but stayed for the children.
She was a controlling harpy.
When he told her he was leaving, she did everything she could think of to get him to stay.
and I mean EVERYTHING...even sexual stuff....and this from a woman who wouldn't even have sex with the lights on....
You're friend is right~desperate people will do and/or say anything.
Do what you gotta do, Cad, but I still say she's playing you....
I am glad you had a weekend to talk, alone. A weekend that looked and sounded like heaven...but is only a small snapshot of the relationship, past, present and future...
I am glad you set a few conditions...perhaps...who knows. She does need the counseling on a consistent basis.
Many times, we do bury our worries in work, exercise, and are just too damn busy in order to avoid the unpleasant events in life. (Hell, I know I am guilty.)
I think the kids are confused as hell. The exposure to inconsistent feelings and emotions. They are just trying to cope the best way they can. Perhaps they are staying busy to avoid the unpleasant situation.
And, YES! You do not need to buckle, stand tall. I AM very glad to hear this! I am glad you are not forgiving! You should have never been exposed to such cruelty and abuse…especially from someone who ‘loves’ you?
And I loved reading this, “I've got some plans about life that I want to get underway, and I'm not going to sit around waiting. I've done that long enough.”
Yes, you have done it long enough… Life is so short and more fragile than we think.
I worked for a doctor once upon a time. I had been a faithful employee for 20 years. He constantly changed my schedule, made me run errands for him, made me make his coffee, called me whenever to come in, and numerous other ‘power’ schemes. One day I had problems finding a chart at 5:30 am when I went in early to help with an emergency, he yelled at me like a dog in front of the patient. He was so insulting and rude. Something ‘hit’ me that day. I thought at lunch,” I am allowing him to treat me this way. I have the problem, not him.” Therefore, I gave my notice to quit. He responded, “What on earth do you think you can do? You’ll be back in a month!” Well, it has been many years and things in my life, on the job front, have improved. I never looked back. I was glad I left a ‘subservient’ job and moved forward. I loved my job, I made good money, I had invested a ton of money and education and in my certifications, and I loved the people I worked with. It killed me to leave the only thing I knew…However, what did it say to others when I sat back and ‘yes sir’ed him when he treated me like a piece of dirt? I am so glad I made that change. I realized I can not allow certain things in like to happen. Being treated like shit is one of them. I felt for the first time, I felt like my life was my own. I was in charge, and I survived and came out ahead.
So, I guess my points are:
#1. One day, it will all be so clear.
#2. You will stop making excuses, buckling, or avoiding.
#3. You will recognize the real value of ‘self” (Your feelings count, no one can tell you what is best or how to do things, never allow anyone to demean your soul...EVER)
#4. You can live the life you dream…dreams are the wings of the soul…with her or without her………….but live it and don’t look back.
Wising you the best…
what they said?
ditto.
keep your eyes open. your heart, too. and don't forget what YOU want out of your life.
Wow! Hippi's advice couldn't be better. It is hard to think of living with the unknown. What you might not realize is that things are actually much worse right now than the unknown would be.
just standing idly by, as a friend, for when the proverbial shit hits the fan.
we are all here for you.
CP.
Post a Comment