Yeah, Somehow I Knew It Would Return To This

Mrs_C is working a later shift this week. She's been working 12 until 9pm and is on call. She's been doing that shift in higher rotation because a couple of guys are off recovering from surgery (injury repairs) and her idiot management won't hire new people or allow them to train people up (trying to save a nickel). Yesterday one of her brilliant managers (remember: these are the decision makers, people) had to ask her what a cooling tower is for. Doorknobs...

Anyway, I get home last night after exercising (approx 9:40pm). I don't even know how the conversation got there, but within moments of getting in the door she was on me about "Being more upbeat and enthusiastic" when I see her, and being more positive about our marriage. I'm "OK. I will be more enthusiastic." I will see about making sure that I work at being upbeat. I can make a few easy changes - psych myself up a little, change the music in my MP3 player to all upbeat positive message stuff. That sort of thing.

Even though I'm a little irritated by this, I can do it. I'm prepared to make that effort - give the Wal-Mart morning cheer and get out there!

Here's the kicker. After I gave a response in the affirmative, and said I will change, and said that I was unaware that I was not positive enough, and that I will try harder (I was changing out of my exercise clothes into a bathrobe in the bedroom as we talked). I turned to walk out of the bedroom with my exercise clothes gathered up to take down to the laundry (didn't want to put sweaty damp clothes in the hamper). As I'm heading for the door she says "Oh, so now you're walking out to go pout?"

I turned and asked "I gave you a positive response. I said I would alter my behaviour. I said I would be more upbeat. What more do you want at this time. What is the magic response that will tell you on an emotional level that I mean what I say?"

Blah, blah, blah, blah - 15 minutes.

It went on for awhile until it simmered down and I got to go shower.

We went for a walk. Perfect evening - warm, humid, no mosquitoes. After the initial walk (30 min) she wanted to keep going - it was soooo perfect out - i was OK with continuing. An hour and half of walking later (after a 1.5 hour exercise session [8 mile run included], I'm a little tired and my legs are a little wobbly - it's about 11:40.

We sit and talk for a moment before going to bed. I'm pretty exhausted - I've been up since 6:30am. All of a sudden she's on me further about the positive attitude thing because I'm just kind of sitting like a lump drinking my water. She's telling me I don't treat her very well. She's telling me how my negative mood when I come home from work determines her mood and that it's because of me that she gets defensive and unsure and that's why she lights into me. So I have to change my attitude because otherwise there's no point in being married if she's the only one that has to put any effort into our marriage. That I make all the grandiose pronouncements about being committed and then put no effort into making her feel better or more secure or feel special or that I want to be with her.

I'm clueing into what has set this second rant off. I say that I'm positive and that she's mistaking my silence for something other than exhaustion, and she's mistaking the little clenching and jaw movements for anger - that I'm just getting used to my new dental splint.

She tones down a little. She says "I'm so glad you told me that because otherwise how would I have known?"

We go to sleep.

----

Yes.

You've heard it all before.

So have I.

How long did that last?

8 days? 9 days?

Take the magic weekend out and it lasted 6 days?

We're back to I'm to blame.

I know you all said it. I know that it's "I told you so" time.

I'm just mighty dejected that it took that short a time. I really expected that it wouldn't be that quick or that direct a path. I thought if it were going to revert, there would be a couple of weeks of grace. A small blowout - short period of forgiveness, then holidays as a family and that would set the stage for a bad blow-out after we returned in late August. Much the pattern of last year's August (see the very first posts on this blog).

I knew it would work out like this. That the last effort was doomed. I just had to whack that mole one more time. I just had too much problem with:

1) Hurting her (still don't want to do it)
2) Leaving while a person is asking for another chance (I've had to ask for so many additional chances in my life that it's hard to deny that of someone else)
3) The hassle
4) The kids reaction
5) Being ridiculously optimistic

Let's see how my will holds out this week. I need to talk to my parents about that rent and damage deposit. Good thing payday is tomorrow.