SUCKER

That's what my friend wrote in black and red letters on a sticky note and stuck it to my forehead when I was telling her about Sunday night and Monday's accusations surrounding sex.

That's what I feel like today.

On Monday night Mrs_C had said that we would split. She would move out and I would stay in the house with the kids. She proposed that we not split until son is finished his exams. I replied that was my original timeline, and had not intended to bring up any issues until then anyway.

It was after midnight, she asked "So what do we do?" "How do we live?" "Do you want me to sleep downstairs on the couch?" "If we sleep in the same bed can I still cuddle up close to you if I'm cold?"

I was exhausted on Monday night. I said "I think we go to sleep. I think we get up in the morning and I think we go to work. I think we come home and eat supper and then go to daughter's event (she was singing in a choir). And we see what we do from there."

We did that on Tuesday. We came home. I was sooooo tired. We went to bed at about 9 pm.

Wednesday: She sends an email to me about her planned vacation days. She's been supposed to send me a confirmation for months now. It arrives yesterday. She phones me to ask me if I received it. I say yes I did. She repeats the days. I say "yes, those are the days I had tentatively originally booked. And thanks for the confirmation." I think it's kind of weird considering we won't be going together anymore, but maybe this is just a bit of clean-up related to arrangements.

I come home from work. She's talking away about her newfound change in attitude and her newfound focus on happiness and her intention to just leave some things sit (ie dishes, laundry).

She asks me how I'm doing. She's asking me how I'm feeling, and whether I'm OK, and how I was coping at work. I realise that her whole demeanor is heading toward a "conversation". I tell her "I'm just taking a couple of day break from things and we'll get at dealing with it tomorrow or the next day."

She tells me about how difficult it is for her. That she loves me, and that she would do anything to make things sort out.

We're talking a bit while I get my food ready and prepare to go exercise. She's telling me some things that she's been thinking about. That the situation is sort of unreal. I say that I understand the unreality of the situation.

She talks about her reactions and how she realises that she's not taking enough time for herself and that her reactions have a lot to do with how she could make thing better when she was young - clean and work harder. I talk about what my counselor said about our earliest successful coping mechanisms being our default solution. Hers to deal with an abusive mother and essentially absent father (uninvolved) - work hard to please her Mom - clean, clean, clean - household work. Mine - clam up, pull in, withdraw, leave.

More conversation. We talk about some of our feelings and general anxiety. All of this is skirting the issue of the separation.

I talk about my journal a little (she is aware of the existence of my journal - she is aware I write my feelings in it - she is unaware of this blog).

I had reworked the end of my last blog entry into my journal - I said something like:

"It's sad that it's lucid [her name] that I'm dealing with to arrange the break-up with. The lucid [name] - the one I loved.

Why?

I'm preparing to leave the woman I loved."

She gets tears brimming in her eyes and says "Are you making preparations to leave still?"

I'm stunned. I'm bowled over. I am absolutely flattened.

What do I do?

Exactly what you would expect me to do when faced with a situation that is utterly unexpected. Hedge my bets until I figure out what the fuck is going on.

[SUCKER]I say "I was only referring to my journal entry. I wrote it the morning after we had plans to split.[/SUCKER]

I continue eating.

As I contemplate the universe this morning I realise that I got badly played. That she knew exactly how to maneuver me into a series of little steps that led to me making a bunch of statements saying I care about her, and that I'm concerned about how she's doing, and that this is all difficult for me, lull me into security with her talking about her newfound manner of living.

And then boom.

She nails me - "Are you making preparations to leave still?"

Fuck me

I am a fucking and complete moron. I am one dumb shit. If I was my boss and this was my work, I'd fire me.

Fuck me

I also realise that she played two of my desires to maneuver me as well. I really want to go exercise - its a real crutch for me at this time - withholding or delaying it is quite anxiety/upset producing for me. I like to avoid anxiety and upset. Also - she knows that I consider the "conversations" to be torturous and I try to avoid them when possible. Avoid messing up my exercise (which she has done regularly), avoid a "conversation".

Trap me. It's another game. Last night she said she was going to stop game playing. How's this for proof? I intend to ask her today how we went from splitting to not splitting in a 40 hour period, when I wasn't asked about it during that time.

I started looking at rental properties this morning.

I've resolved to continue with the process. She will obviously not be moving out. So I will proceed. I hope to maintain my strength.