On the post below...
Yes, I am an idiot.
I stand by what was posted. I stand by my conflict. I stand by being fucked in the head. I stand by being ravaged by emotional conflict. And I stand by my own weakness in the face of my wife.
I stand by the contradiction of my words and actions.
I stand by asking for an anchor or two to hold me down.
And I continue.
I still have a list of furniture to furnish my apartment. I still have an appointment to view the one they will be giving me (if I take it). I still have my list of change of address notifications. I still have a stack of packed boxes of crap under the guise of "cleaning".
But I still I stand by my internal conflict.
“All I want is for the baby to be healthy!”
8 months ago
8 comments:
cadbury, i'm so sorry i was in the dark about all this. i've been so busy (and so wrapped up in my own shit) that i haven't been here all week...!
that said...
i agree with what CP said to your last post.
and the other thing that strikes me: you cannot make your wife feel special. you can't. SHE has to believe she's special.
you can't -- nor should you be expected to -- fix what is broken in her. it's not possible. SHE MUST DO THAT FOR HERSELF. there is no other way.
i say this as someone who has felt some of the things she talks about in those never-ending "discussions" she wraps you in.
my case was different -- my ex was exploiting my "weaknesses" because it was convenient for him to hide in all of that.
but that is not what you've done at all. you've put her well-being and her feelings above yours whenever possible.
and you're dealing with a tornado.
your head says one thing, your heart says another. what does you gut tell you?
do you think she's honestly and truly capable of being the lucid woman you love most of the time?
is she capable of being a loving mother to your children?
only you can answer that. but i think the fact that your kids were so relieved when they thought she was leaving speaks volumes.
good luck, cadbury. i'm here for you.
I'm gonna toss some CP blood on your page, ready for it?
I used to be your wife.
I swear it. I was.
I had so many emotional issues that were present LONG before my husband came into my life. I had abandonment issues. I had manic disorders (I still do) and I have a hair trigger temper. I blow up at the stupidest things.
Well, I used to.
I spent my whole entire life abusing other people. Not physically, but emotionally, like your wife is doing to you. I was cold, calculating, self absorbed and just downright MEAN.
Sweet CP?
Bet your mother fuckin' ass, sweet CP.
And then, I met Tony. You read that four page post about Tony. Tony made me realize, damn quickly, that no matter how bad ass you think you are, there is always going to be someone out there that can fuck your world up more than you realize.
And it was through Tony's beatings, abuse, verbal castrations and my blood and broken bones that I realized something very important.
IF I don't make some radical changes, RADICAL changes...I am always going to end up with men that feel they have to beat me into submission. Break me like a wild stallion. A lot of what happened with Tony was my fault, for not being stronger and leaving. Like you should be doing. And I allowed him to harm me in the most heinous of ways.
I just thought..."one more day, let me just hold on one more day and I know I can change him."
No, Cadbury. You cannot change her. Only SHE can change herself. You have done everything right. There comes a time you have to sit down and assess the situation long enough to realize that you have nothing left in your bag of tricks. It's empty.
Now it is her turn to play magician. She either changes...or you disappear.
I want you to go see the new Adam Sandler movie, "Click".
Watch what happens to people who waste time, waiting for things to happen to them instead of making things happen for the best.
You tell her...
1) Personal therapy.
2) Marriage counseling.
3) Medication.
4) Healthy lifestyle with you.
5) NO FIGHTING IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER.
6) Clean slate rule. Whatever happened in the past, stays there.
7) Affirmations every morning or every night. You both tell one another ONE THING that you love about the other one. From "I love that you take out the garbage" to "I love the way you look in your bathrobe." Affirmations every single night.
8) Date night without the kids, once a week...even if date night only consists of watching a movie together AFTER the kids go to bed because you do not have a sitter. Date night can never be changed. It is the same night, every week, unless something catastrophic happens.
9) No more accusations of lying, cheating or doing anything behind anyones back. This is a deal breaker.
10) To commit to the first 9 by signing off on this commitment and understanding that if you do not see HUGE changes in the works, that you will be ending this marriage. In turn, you will do the same by giving her a FAIR amount of time to make said changes.
Now, I am sure you think you have done all of the above before. I'm sure you might have...but have you ever done all 10 simultaneously? Have you ever been BRAVE enough to lay it out for her and take charge of this situation? Do you love your kids, Cad? Because you are putting them alongside a trainwreck and hoping desperately that any fusilage will not hit them along the way. You are in a highly combustable situation. It needs to be handled as if you were holding a timebomb.
You either diffuse it, or it's gonna blow.
Ask my husband. We've been there, done that...and he has a wonderful, loving wife to show for it. Yes, me. Because when he threatened to leave me 4 years ago...and then, actually did? I made some changes REAL fast. You know what I got out of the deal?
A happier and healthier me...and an attentive and loving husband who has been there all along, I was just never able to see him through my OWN issues.
Wow. I'm longwinded, eh?
Just callin' it how I see it and keepin' it real, friend.
CP.
(We aren't talking little spats, we are talking the full on blow outs that the two of you have where you BOTH use the children as pawns...and yes, Cad, you do it too. I've read it.)
Those are your rules.
Cadbury,
I know you are not an idiot. Love is blind...yeah. that saying makes sense now, huh?
Anyway, don't cut yourself up for believing! You are on the right track. I know you are! Get the apartment...anchors away...
We are all here for you!
Sending white light and good vibes.
I still disagree about getting the apartment until you speak to your attorney, Cad. Don't get me wrong...I WANT you to leave, but depending on the laws of the state that you live in, moving out can be seen as "abandonment".
It is best to make a move like that under the advice of your attorney AND WHILE YOU ARE IN MARRIAGE COUNSELING. If you are both there, together, they cannot cite you for abandoning your wife and children.
It will be your word against hers if you don't heed mine.
Just sayin'.
Been there, done that.
CP.
I admire cp so much for all she's been through and continues to go through (i.e. 'Esther') and I think her comments to you are very well thought out. And apparently~from experience.
That being said, I don't think your wife is willing to do the work that cp suggests.
She might SAY she'll do it, she might even sign her name to doing it.
But actually DOING it?
Nah.
I think she's too self-centered and fucked up to do it.
Plus~she expects YOU to do everything.
See an attorney before you leave, just as cp suggests.
I think that the conflict between heart and head are 100% normal and a standard part of a break up. Don't beat yourself up for it.
~sigh~
It's easy to hold on to the way that things were. We all do that to a certian extent. It's easy to hold onto history. And amazing life events like weddings and births where both of you were happy and in synch and in love.
But as long as you hold onto to the way things WERE, it makes you bitter when you finally open your eyes to the way that things ARE.
It's easier to stay together, unhappy, than it is to change things for a lot of people. Routine, housing, kids. Many people live unhappily, as it's too complicated to rock the boat.
But you don't want that Caddy.
THe turmoil makes it impossible to live, enjoy, and experience... as it constantly absorbs your focus.
Plus, both of you deserve to be happy.
Most would say that you have already done the hard part by starting the process. The reality: the hard part is following-through.
Hang in there.
And I, in turn, have to agree with Pissy. I know damn skippy well that your wife will not do ANY of those things that I stated. She may do them for a few weeks, maybe even a few months, but unless she is willing to do them all together, for the long run...this marriage is not going to make it. Every day wasted is one that will hurt your children in the long run.
I still stand by my original theme. Do not leave that house without consulting your lawyer and being in marriage counseling at the time you opt to separate.
While I do not choose to get into it in public, I am telling you this for very personal, distinct and serious reasons. If you listen to NOTHING else I have to tell you, please listen to that at the very least.
terry: you are completely correct. Mrs_C is in control of her own destiny. she will determine her own level of lucidity. i am not going to be tolerant of more crap.
i am suspect of her ability to sustain straightheadedness
CP: your thoughts are coherent and real. no namby pamby mush speak like many of the books, and certainly like some counsellors have spewed. your list of conditions, along with my Mom's ideas gave shape to what i was brooding on - thank-you
BP: you took the words right out of my mouth: "She might SAY she'll do it, she might even sign her name to doing it. But actually DOING it?"
NWG: Thank-you for coming by. When you said "THe turmoil makes it impossible to live, enjoy, and experience... as it constantly absorbs your focus." you are absolutely correct. My boss, for example, is starting to get tired of my lack of creativity and zip. I do my job and earn my pay, but he wants the old me back.
you are correct "The reality: the hard part is following-through."
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