Too Nice A Guy

I ran into some friends today. One of them was a woman whom I went out with years ago. The other was a woman that I tried to get to go out with me for about 6 years (I'm nothing if not tenacious...). I had actually introduced these two ladies and they became fast friends. We all had a relatively ribald and positive sexual tension laced co-relationship - we all had a sort of proprietary interest in the others and would provide colour commentary on each other's choices in partners and exploits. The woman I dated is designated K, and the woman who would not go out with me is designated B. I was also a convenient, um, uh, "friend" for K in the years after we broke up before getting married (in periods we were both without a "steady".

I had not seen them in years. They both moved out of town. I found out that B was working in town right now on a contract (she lives a couple of hours away normally. K is on the west coast. K had kept in contact with B and since they were in the same location they were out for coffee and some shopping. I was getting some keys made down at the mall.

When they inquired about Mrs_C and things I advised them we had split.

Wine and hot tubs are apprently too nice

B said "You were too nice to her weren't you?" I stood there with a dumbfounded look on my face. She continued "That's why I never went out with you, you know. I knew I would shred you up and destroy our friendship... And then you'd hate me."

I continued to stand there sort of working my jaw for a moment. It was suddenly a little awkward. I responded with humour "Well, you could have at least slept with me instead," I counterproposed.

B said "...and then we would have started dating and I would have gone bitch on you and you wouldn't have known what hit you, and you would have been standing there with that confused look on your face like you just had, and I would have felt like shit.

So I never dated you."

B has always been a little over the top.

Indoor swimming pools - waaaay too nice

I'm also caught right between the eyes. When I was single I had a number of women say they wouldn't go out with me because I was too nice. Not that I was arrogant. Not that I was sleazy, or promiscuous, or lazy, or boring, or ugly - but "too nice". What the fuck is that?

I'm stumbling. This is a little out of the blue for me.

K steps in and suggests we all go for coffee. So I go with them.

And not cozy bed and breakfasts - no, not that. you're too nice. why would i sleep with you dumb fuck?

The core of what I was told in that conversation is that according to them I need to be a bit more of a bastard. I need to be less accommodating and more demanding. I need to put the screws to the other person sometimes.

Apparently this is why Mrs_C didn't respect me. Because I always accommodated her whims. Made like a carpet and begged her to walk on me - and wipe her feet.

I always thought that doing nice things and taking people to nice places (like the one all these pictures are of [a real place I took us to]) was the way to win someone's heart and soul.

"I as a boy, I believed the saying the cure for pain was love".

I just don't get it. I really just don't get it.

I listened to my two friends and I thought about Mrs_C. I thought about when it was that she suddenly started to get sexually interested in me again - after I rejected her.

Don't even bother with special breakfasts!!! FOOL!!!

When did she get REALLY, um, uh, open to trying or, uh, experimenting a little? After I said I was out the door.

What the fuck is that?

She phones me and whines at me - even while she away on vacation here. I asked her "Why? Why did you do it? Why were you such a miserable fucking bag?" (yes - real words). She says "I guess I got to into the Mom role. I stopped thinking of you as a friend and as a person and only thought of you as a spouse - someone who was supposed to do all these things you could never possibly get done, or reasonably do. An then i just got mad about it. Instead of thinking about how it would make you feel."

What the fuck is with that? Huh! What the fuck is with that?

Yeah

Un-fucking-believable.

and then she still gets mad at me about the one time (months ago) I said "Well, I guess you should have thought of that before!" (I was telling her that I wanted to leave and that she shouldn't have been such an asshole to me)

so I ask her why she didn't think of it at the time. I ask how she expects me to believe that she won't revert. I ask her how I should get over being soooooo angry. I tell her that when I told her how hurt and how mad I was all she did was try to bully and pressure me into backing down.

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She's coming back from vacation tomorrow. I've been thinking about her and my marriage a lot. She wants to go out "just the two of us" on Saturday. She says I can have "anything" I want. I said I didn't think it would work for me and we need to talk. I'm pretty sure she knows what's coming. I think that's why she was trying to dangle the sex carrot.

Running into my friends and their lecture just built up a fair head of steam in me. I'm really mad that the world doesn't work the way I think it should and the way I want it to work.

I want to be nice. I don't want to be a bastard. I want to be so nice it makes you hurl.

Not in a weak sense. I'm not weak, and I'm not wimpy. No-one has really ever accused me of being wimpy.

But where does this fucking "You're too nice" shit come into play?

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[post proof-read edit:]
sorry if this was a little incoherent and weird, but i'm rattled and emotional right now