dance

went to dance practice the other night

each time i go, i am filled with panic and anxiety

competence

there's a word

One entry found for competence.

2 : the quality or state of being competent

Main Entry: com·pe·tent

2 : having requisite or adequate ability or qualities

i want to dance. i like to dance (such as i am able), and am told i am a good nightclub "freestyle" dancer, i can waltz, and polka. but that's it.

dance - latin dance specifically - is a life goal. i want to dance so bad it hurts.

this dance class is just sending me over the edge. well, i'm exaggerating a bit, but it is a hell of a thing. i am used to being competent. instantly competent. i can absorb amazing amounts of knowledge and synthesize it without effort and very, very quickly. i can read (scan) a book on carpentry or electrical (which i have a minimal grounding in) and by the end of a day i am doing competent beginning/handymanish level work. work that is judged adequate by real (journeymen) carpenters and electricians.

dance

movement

i am told that i have some grace in movement. i consider myself ungainly, but enough people who would be "honest" have said i am not awkward. i feel awkward. with the fibromyalgia i felt even more lumbering and stiff.

i was accelerated in grade school. most of the kids in my class were almost 2 years older than me. i was on the small side of average for the class (big for my age), but i was physically less developed and more awkward than them. i was mocked for that. you will all (probably) remember how kids in elementary school mock the kids who can't do sports or activities... i tried to avoid organized physical activity/sports then and all through my life (not quite true - i wrestled [not a lot of "grace" required for high school wrestling], and i played rugby [*prop - my only job was to stand in one place and hold the "hooker" up - that and slam/grind hard into my opponents in the scrum - about 18 inches of brutal movement - sort of like a linebacker with no padding and less politeness - not much finesse involved at my level of play])

this damned dance class. they are introducing new steps so fast. i am not an athletic guy. i have just come away from years of poor mobility from the fibromyalgia. movement and body are not my thing. it's always been my mind that works for me - not my body. we are learning 4 dances and they introduce new steps for 2 of the dances each week. i never feel caught up. i've been practicing with Smitten for 1.5-3 hours a week in addition to the class time, but i'm still in serious panic mode.

i love the dance. i hate to feel incompetent.

i really dislike being less than competent. at anything. that's one of the things that sat really badly every time stbx-Mrs_C criticised me during our marriage. i don't have to be perfect. i need to be compentent - or at very least - adequate.

every class i want to quit. i don't say it to Smitten. i just get overwhelmed and panicked about not getting the steps right. i feel it should come more easily.

i won't quit because i want this so very badly. i won't quit because i haev committed to this course of action for very good reasons and strong desire. and even if it takes me years (which it will) to become (truly) competant i will. i ask the instructors and volunteers for help and direction several times per class (it's a dance club, not a commercial studio). i ask the questions i need to about how the steps should be accomplished.

it doesn't help that Smitten dances and gets this faster than me. as she says "my body feels the beat and wants to move to it".

I don't work like that. my learning method for something like this, or for something i do not know works in one way - my way - it's been successful and easy so far in my life. i focus solely on the mechanics until i have those down. once the mechanics are down i worry about anything else. in this case - the beat.

the instructors piss me off and so does Smitten sometimes. until i feel a little more comfortable, i need to focus on mechanics. they demand that i be on beat before i even know what i'm supposed to do to be on beat to. they all think that the beat is more important than the mechanics and that if you just move to the music everything else will follow.

aaaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

since the first couple of classes Smitten has adjusted her ways to accomodate me.

i am joyful during some of the dances (until they throw some new moves in...)

they also mix up all four styles in each class. with two being dominant each class.

i like to learn one thing at a time. full focus.

i practice alone in my apartment. i practice with Smitten, I practice at the classes. I am relatively comfortable with the cha cha, and am becoming moreso with the merengue. the style of waltz we are doing and the two-step are not doing so well for me. mostly because i have practiced the latin dances more (interest) and i'm not a big country music fan... and that's what we do the waltz and two-step to.
(before the country music fans out there kick me, there are a number of qualifiers on my broad brush "don't like country" statement)

i wish i could spend a whole weekend doing intensive work on a single dance.

i have also decided that this is a good exercise for me. an exercise in vulnerability. of being "out there". while i do things that a lot of people would consider "daring" i don't usually stray out of my confort zone. it is probably a good thing to stretch myself and confront my fears and discomfort.

i'm thinking of seeing if i can bribe (pay) and/or cajole one of the volunteers into helping me (us). but i will have to wait until i have more cash.

in the meantime - there's a beginner's practice dance/social this weekend that we will be attending.

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*"There are two props in rugby league, numbered 8 and 10, which pack in to the front of the scrum on either side of the hooker. The two props are usually the two biggest, strongest, heaviest players in the side. When scrums were competitive their strength was key in winning possession. In the modern game their strength is more useful in the tackle or as a ball carrier. However, it is still possible for an alert tight-head prop to help his side win a scrum against the feed by striking for the ball in conjunction with a drive from the rest of the pack. Formerly, striking for the ball was primarily the responsibility of the hooker.

Props run upright with their head up, trying to run into space, but often directly into tacklers, trying to break through with shear force or keep an arm free for a strong fend, and look for support to offload the ball from the tackle. They get noticed probably most when the team are in possession coming away from their own territory. They are expected to make “the hard yards”; going forward whilst being gang-tackled by 2, 3 or even 4 of the opposition. Tactically they may either go down quickly when tackled and look for a quick play the ball, or when in an attacking position stand up in the tackle and offload the ball to a supporting player to switch the point of attack or create a gap to run through" (wikipedia)