my pain is still gone
i'm not sure what to do
this omnipresent overbearing presence in my life is missing. i feel like something is missing. i didn't want it here, and now it's gone. it was a central defining element of my daily existence - to steel myself against the pain. to exert will to overcome the pain and the exhaustion every single moment for so long. sometimes it would be less and i would feel somewhat human, but it was still only a reduction to the verge of alive.
and now there is no pain. i am not sure what i am feeling in my limbs. just like my emotions, i am no longer in tune with my body. my legs sort of tingle and they are very sensitive - not like when they were in pain, but i can just feel all this stuff i didn't feel before.
i have no normal in my memory to compare it to anymore.
i am almost holding my breath because i am so afraid that it will come back. i had a period of about 5 days of hiatus in the first few months. then i gave blood and later that day i was in hell again.
i want to live. i want to be alive. i want to feel - with my body and with my emotions. i have just held it all in check with will for so long i don't know what to do to just live naturally
to just feel naturally
emotionally or physically
“All I want is for the baby to be healthy!”
1 year ago
4 comments:
just breath baby.
in and out
one minute at a time.
don't hold your breath.
steady and easy.
in and out.
don't question it.
accept it
appreciate it
in and out
breath
know i am with you
t
Cad-
I'm just catching up with you...sorry for all this crap you're dealing with. Like T-Cole said, just keep on breathing, baby steps.
You're a good man, person, father, friend. Don't let all the negative cloud that knowledge. Keep on working on you, you're doing a great job.
Thinking of you and wishing you well.
Lots of love,
Lil'sis
Ok, are we talking about physical pain, emotional pain or both? I'm guessing physical. Do you think your painlessness has to do with your Vitamin D therapy? It's working? If so, then I'll say a prayer that it continues on.
signgurl: the unintentional ambiguity of this post is almost funny - the crossover of my physical and emotional pain is relatively seamless
the post is first about my fibromyalgia pain. my lack of physical pain (most likely a stress induced condition). that was my intention when i began to write.
the post is subsequently about my emotions
not where i intended to go when i started
both are in a completely new state
my physical pain is linked to my emotional pain
i am afraid (as in: in an active state of fear) that the pain will return
physically and emotionally
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