hate

i was pretty filled with hate last night.

I was filled with hate and rage and anger for stbx-Mrs_C and for my daughter. I woke up and it was still there. It built all through my morning routine. As I thought about things stbx-Mrs_C had done over the years and recently. About my daughter rejecting me. About the reasons daughter gave me, about the things stbx-Mrs_C has done to damage my relationship with my daughter, about the additional information son gave me about daughter and her decision to stay with her mom. That daughter won't talk to me about what she feels or thinks that way. That daughter's all happy when she's with me, but then made the choice she did to stay with her mom.

On the way to work I decided I'd better make a counselling appointment.

The feelings were still there even after i got to the office.

Until i got an email with the subject "good morning love". Then it all just dissipated.

But i think i'd better do that counselling.

'cause it's back now.

I am soooooo angry with stbx-Mrs_C. I try to leave that sitting on the side. I try to leave it behind. I try to just get past it. Sometimes I can just go on living life, but then other times it builds into this sweat drenching shaking rage. This ball of hurt that just won't go away. The hate.

And trying to separate myself from the love that used to be there. To re-frame the caring into something more distant.

I want to lash out, but it's really not in my nature to hurt people. Even when I'm really angry. I always try to just settle it down and make it go away. This isn't going away.

(and no - when i say hurt I AM NOT talking about violence)

I hate her for whipping me for so long. I hate daily criticisms. The constant criticism. The constant belittling. I hate her for jerking my leash. Getting a little nicer when i'd get upset, and yanking me harder than before for daring to challenge her. and punishing me for expressing my feelings. so that i would hold them in to avoid the resultant punishment. and the i would be castigated for being emotionally flat - my way of coping.

I hate her for the lies she is telling now.

I hate her for actively trying to turn daughter against me. Not just the usual sort of trashing thing you would expect, but an active day-in, day-out slander campaign. Aimed at an 11 year old.

I hate that she told daughter that she was going to re-do daughter's room, and that daughter would need to stay in mom's room until its done. So they sleep in the same bed and daughter now calls it "our room".

I hate that daughter says she doesn't like it at my apartment. That it isn't big enough or nice enough.

Daughter is giving me the same "not good enough" lines her mom always fed me. That I'm not a good enough provider. That I don't give her enough stuff. That if I go to work out at the gym to stay healthy and lose weight I obviously don't care about her, or I would stay and spend time with her (when I did, all daughter wanted to do was watch music videos).

I hate that her mom is buying daughter every weekend, and that when I ask daughter to even go out for a coffee with me, most of the time I can hear her mother in the background saying "Well, I was going to take you shopping...". I hate that my own intent to to be decent and not disrupt stbx-Mrs_C's life and that of the children is being turned against me. I would have a house and more than a $1000.00 more per month if I hadn't done the decent thing and allowed all this time for stbx-Mrs_C to get her financial ducks in a row. My own decency and kindness is being used to shaft me.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I hate that when I asked daughter to go with me for coffee last weekend, daughter chose to stay with her mom to go pick up the boyfriend because he was bringing daughter stuff from Mexico. I hate that daughter so proudly showed me her new Mexican silver earrings (i told daughter they were nice - because they were nice). I hate that he built her a new dollhouse. I hate that fucking dog that stbx-Mrs_C got for daughter (it's a lovely dog, and i actually really like it...) because it is all daughter talks about. I hate that stbx-Mrs_C told daughter that even if i got a house that i would never allow the new puppy over there and she would have to leave her dog behind. stbx-Mrs_C told daughter i said that.

stbx-Mrs_C is now telling everyone that i admitted to having affairs. stbx-Mrs_C is telling the lies to anyone who might listen, anyone that she can talk to that might know me. and playing the aggrieved woman role to the hilt. and society conditions people to believe that i had an affair. that she keeps telling people "i don't know why he left. i just don't understand."

(for awhile i considered actually making the big list of everything and handing it to her. anonymous suggested it a long time back. my lawyer said "don't do it". Smitten even suggested it - suggesting that it might finally give me the peace to not have to engage with stbx-Mrs_C when she would ask the *why* question, yet one more time. i chose not to, because it would just give her the opportunity to try to split hairs and to demand that i respond to her rebuttals - to reel me into more hours and hours long conversations. and because then she would give copies of it to other people and those people would be privy to things that should only be between her and i)

I hate her for those lies. I hate her because she can't deal with the fact that it might be the misery she inflicted on me that drove me away, and that she is making up lies to cover for it.

i hate her for saying that she really wanted me to be in charge in the marriage. No - really - she said that. This from a woman that tried to determine the kind of toothpaste i was allowed to have.

I hate her for the all the times she rejected me. That she told me she used denial of sex and intimacy as a weapon against me, and then at the moment i became strong enough to walk away she was all over me to do it with her. that she told me that it was my newly transformed self that attracted her. that she later told me she had just used it all as a hook to try to get me to come back to her.

I hate her because she couldn't ever stick to one set of consistent demands. I hate her for the monthly, weekly, daily, hourly changes in what she asked of me through out whole marriage. I hate her because no matter what i did I could never measure up, because even if i met a previous demand or condition, there was always a new one that was the new eternal truth.

...yeah.

i think i'd better make that counselling appointment.

i'm going to try to go out with daughter again tomorrow night. maybe. if she'll agree to do something that doesn't cost me money because i'm broke. i got hosed for more cash for school trips and stuff, and a cheque i was supposed to get isn't here because the lady that does the cheques at the place that owes me has been sick for 2 and a half weeks...

hate - rage - anger - despair - despondence

sheer joy

freedom

i'd better make that counselling appointment.