The letter - as delivered

i was going to say she has come roaring back into my life, but it would be more accurate to say she's smashing against the walls

or bouncing off them

how many of you have seen the movie Roadwarrior?

she's like the marauders outside the piles of old tires that serve as walls for the compound - driving in circles and trying to leap over or break through

but more on that later - i'm fine. just irritated that i would try to address serious issues with her and then let her waste my time leaping off into tangents and "poor me" bullshit and weird revisionist history. 3 calls since yesterday - 10 minutes (4-4:10pm), 1 hour (5:15-6:10pm), 25 minutes (8:36-9:05am)

(she got the letter from my lawyer [through her lawyer] that gave a synopsis of my letter. she got my letter as well - dropped in mailbox after her second call on the way home from work)

but whatever - i got a few things off my chest. i said a few things in as raw and as blunt a manner as i could. told her she had been a irresponsible parent and such. told her she was emotionally unstable and was the source of most of the sleep problems the kids have. as she dragged things from the marriage and stuff up i provided some pithy commentary about that too. i endured the bullshit to gain the opportunity to say some of the things i wanted to say.

she is feeling way out of control and wants it back. is trying to gain it back by sucking me into engagement. i made a few mistakes in how i let her pull the conversation around, but hell - i can't be perfect the first time i try to control the conversation. it was interesting.

i don't intend to do it again. it's almost 2 hours of my life i will never get back... she's still nuts. she'll never change.

anyway, further discussion of that later. in the meantime, here's the letter as delivered:

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April 21, 2008

[stbx F. stbx],

You recently went on a trip to Hawaii (Saturday, April 5, 2008). I hope your trip was a good one. I will once again offer to provide accommodation for care of the children in the context of any future travel you might undertake. It is my hope and intent to have an appropriate reciprocal accommodation in regard to care for the children around travel and vacations.

With regard to childcare arrangements, I have some concerns with how things were handled for this trip.

Those concerns:

We exercise joint custody of the children.

You were leaving [our city] for a two-week period. One of those weeks the children would have normally been with you and one of those weeks they would have spent with me. They would also be alone for 2 more days at the end of the trip.

1) You did not advise me that you were planning to leave, and that the children would be alone for over a week, until the Wednesday prior to your departure (Saturday). This is inadequate notice and joint planning. In the future please advise me earlier of such instances – at minimum 2 weeks before such travel.

You only mentioned that you were going on a trip during a telephone call I made to you with regard to arrangements I was making with you about [Son] and [Daughter] traveling with me to the U.S. to see Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton speak.

I am not asking for details of your travel plans or life activity, I am however, asking for reasonable advance notice of times when I may be required to provide additional support to and for the children – like a week in which you are not there – as in case of an emergency, and to supervise, provide guidance, or drive them to lessons and such.

In no way should my comments be interpreted as admonishment on travel – far from it. I want you to travel.

You must let me know earlier if I’m going to need to cover supervision or support activities. If I had chosen to go out of town in that period the kids would have been on their own. Even though [Son] is 16 years old, I am not comfortable with his ability to handle extraordinary or emergency situations without guidance. Chris, who is 18, and who lives at your house, is not, in my opinion, suitably mature or capable of appropriate supervision or emergency situation handling. He is also a friend of [Son]’s and is therefore inappropriate as a supervisory adult. Chris is simply a tenant in your house and has no authority – he is not an adult in charge in your absence. He has no authority to handle medical or other situations that could potentially arise. His presence in the house is irrelevant to childcare arrangements that you should have made.

In our call (Wednesday, April 2, 2008) you raised a number of concerns you had. I needed to be elsewhere at the time of the call and did not have the time to discuss issues more fully. This is another example of why more notice time is required to deal with childcare arrangements. You should have called me earlier, or sent me a letter in advance.

You talked to me about the fact that you were uncomfortable with leaving the children on their own for a week. That they had convinced you that they wanted to try being on their own. That you felt they would likely need extra supervision. That you were concerned that they might throw a party while you were away. That you wanted me to try to ensure there were no parties at the house. You gave me no definitional parameters to accompany any of your concerns or requests.

Also, while I still own half of the house, my role in this situation is childcare, not housecare. You have explicitly removed me from any current dealing with the house while it remains your domicile and in your possession. To involve me at this point in supervision of the house without discussion and highly specific instruction as to how to deal with any situations contradicts previous communication you have directed at me, and your previous practice in arranging for others to look after your house (like when you have gone on vacation).

I have no problem with allowing the kids to try out spending time on their own as you and they advised me they wanted to do. There was inadequate time to discuss issues in that call on Wednesday night. We should have had an appropriate exchange of ideas on how to deal with that week the children would be on their own. In the future, please either call me or send me a letter/note.

2) You did not leave enough food in the house to, in my opinion, adequately cover meals and lunches during your week. You did not leave money to cover additional needs. I must underline in the strongest of terms that this is inadequate and irresponsible.

I was very distressed to receive a call from the kids the afternoon of Tuesday, April 8, 2008 telling me they thought they might run out of food, and asking if they could have $30.00 to go buy more food. They told me that you had said you would leave $50.00 for them, but that it had not been left. After some thought I advised them to contact you for guidance. I told them that I would not leave them in the lurch for food, but that they needed to contact you, as it was your domicile and your week as custodial parent.

3) You did not leave them with contact numbers or contact information on how to reach you in Hawaii. This is improper, inadequate, and utterly irresponsible. Do not do this again. In the future leave proper contact information for the children on how to reach you when you are leaving them alone.

The children only had [brother-in-law]’s cell phone number as a contact. They tried calling the number 3 times and then left a message at my direction. They tried contacting you a number of additional times. I am advised that there was never a return call received by anyone at the house. Did you have any proof/information that [brother-in-law]’s cell phone would roam/track him to locations in Hawaii?

Leaving the children without adequate means to contact you is improper and inappropriate. You should have left a list of hotels and contact numbers.

In the future leave proper contact information for the children on how to reach you when you are leaving them alone, or explicitly advise me (and the children) that I have full custody and supervision for that week, like when you or I go on holidays with them during the summer and our vacation time overlaps with the other parent’s normal custodial week. I am uncomfortable – no, I am very unhappy, distressed, and dissatisfied with the partial supervision and responsibility scenario that was left to me. There should have been a full hand-off of custody and responsibility for the children for the week in question, and an explicit arrangement for the week.

The children did not even have a written itinerary for your trip to know when you would be arriving home. You will leave a written itinerary in the future.

Further to the food issue (this write-up is partially chronological/narrative):

I went to the house to see how much food was left. I entered the house for a period of about 5 minutes to check the fridge, fridge freezer, lazy susan/corner cupboard, pantry cupboard, and downstairs freezer. Their distress, in the phone calls to me, at the possibility of running out of food put me in the position that I had to check in person. I also wanted to make sure that they were not just trying to score extra pizza and such from me. The children accompanied me throughout my few minutes in the house.

I provided some food for [Son]’s lunches and gave instructions on how they should stretch the food available at the house.

4) You did not leave them with instructions on how to handle emergencies that may have arisen. If there were a plumbing or furnace problem what would have been their action set? There was no instruction set, or plumbers to call, or even instructions to call your mother to deal with any situation.

Their response was that they would call me. I am uncomfortable with this. While I still own half the house and would have dealt with any crisis, in the past you have explicitly advised me that I am not welcome at the house.

I was uncomfortable with entering to check the food on this occasion, and felt uncomfortable with any other potential situation regarding the house. The children were at a loss at how to handle the situation regarding food. I provided them with support and guidance.

Addendum:

You even left your car unlocked with CDs and the broken computer inside it. After [Daughter] and [Son] expressed their concern about the car being unlocked, I gave the children instructions to lock the vehicle.

Future Handling:

In the future I expect better handling of such situations and of joint custody and management of the children and their interests. In this letter I have outlined my concerns and my expectations about how some of these issues should dealt with.

To date I have made my expectations known through verbal contact and in writing. The events described in this letter are of a seriousness that they require comment in writing. This is the second letter I have sent with regard to inappropriate parenting behaviour.

I expect you to parent appropriately. Your actions are not appropriate parenting. Your actions around your absence cause me grave concern.

I expect the issues raised in this letter to be addressed in the context of future travel arrangements.

[Cadbury]