I first began writing this post on April 12th. I did not finish it at the time.
Yesterday Signgurl said she wished she could hear the other side of the story - I decided to dust off the post.
** Really long post warning **
This is the spot where I give some floor time to Mrs_C, and I repeat her complaints about me. Why? Because she is wearing me down. Because I am an inveterate self-reflection kind of guy and I can't help but think that if I gave a shit about this lady's opinions for so long
and I am married to her, maybe I should think about what she has to say.
Being the unfair bastard I am, and since this is MY blog, I get to addend a reply to each of the stated issues.
In no particular order:
1) Don't do enough around the houseMrs_C says that she has to carry the majority of household chores. When asked for specifics she cites: laundry, cleaning baseboards and door frames, sorting and cleaning drawers (like kitchen and storage), sorting clothes on a seasonal basis, and going through the kids clothes to see what they've outgrown. She has cited garden work and painting on occasion, but has backed off when I point out that she has told me that my work sucks (it's not bad, it just doesn't meet "Mrs_C standards").
My response:[from one of the earlier posts on this blog]"My wife's sisters say they wish their husbands would do as much as I do. They base their comments on both observation and on what Mrs_C tells them I do. Mrs_C says I am only nice to her and do things when there is an audience. I tracked my daily activities for several weeks one time. Before telling her about the results I asked Mrs_C if I had been doing more than usual that period. She said that my activity level was normal. She blew a gasket when I presented the activity report and told her that I thought she was wrong about me only doing things for show. All I asked was that she stop accusing me of that. I was in the shithouse for weeks after."
I have also asked people who are in a vague position to observe. And just for the record, my mother (who has excoriated my Dad for decades for not doing enough stuff) would tell me if she thought I was slacking - believe it!!! My Mom is the person who impressed it into me to be both feminist in perspective and action. My Dad always left my Mom to pick up the slack while he went out and did "important stuff". I love my Dad, and he is a credit to humanity and progressive thought
in his era, but I have told myself I would never be like that. Never.
Mrs_C and I agreed to an explicit division of some labour years ago - other divisions have grown from regular activity sets. The divisions have been explicitly discussed and are not just assumed because of pattern of activity or gender. I do most of the grocery shopping and taxi driving. I do more than half of the cooking. I did the vast majority of the cooking until about 2.5 years ago when Mrs_C said she was sick of me telling her I did most of the cooking when we had such discussions (she started the discussions and asked me to name what I did more than her, not me)... Mrs_C now regularly starts meals on the days I go to work out (I like to have a 2 hour workout and the facility closes at 9:30pm - I need to leave the house by 7 and don't get home until about 5:30pm), but not always - if she's had a tough day and wants to rest.
I do most of the dishes. Mrs_C clears the table and does dishes on the three evenings I work out (and other times on an ad hoc basis). I ask her to leave them for me on my workout evenings, but she does not (most of the time).
The kitchen and its cleaning are my domain. Dishes, dishwasher, counters, cupboards and other surfaces, floors, fridge, microwave - all are my daily turf. I rarely clean the drawers (I straighten and organize them though) or wipe the insides of cupboards.
I do most of things that require dealing with school/instructors/lessons and the kids friends and their events and logistics (driving, funding, permissions, arrangements, negotiations). I work most (but not all) of the fundraisers (bingo, hot dog sales, bottle drives, etc).
Mrs_C leaves for work before me 3 of 4 weeks. I get the kids up and off to school. On the 4th week she sleeps in. I get the kids off to school. I make the lunches (or supervise the kids putting their own together). I monitor lunch supplies and requests.
2) Don't do enough laundryMy response:I do not do as much laundry as Mrs_C. We had a discussion some years back about splitting some of the work we do. Mrs_C didn't like the way I did laundry and didn't like playing taxi to the kids, so I picked up taxi services and she did laundry.
I have offered to do my own laundry for the entire period she has complained about this. She says if I really cared I would just start doing it and not leave it undone. I say I will, but on my own timetable, not hers. I have suggested she leave my stuff separated out if it's an issue. I have offered to iron all my own shirts. I now iron about 2 shirts a day (mine, hers, the kids - started about 3 weeks ago). I have done more laundry and gotten the kids to do more laundry, but Mrs_C always criticises the details of how we do laundry (haven't ruined anything yet...).
I asked Mrs_C to give me a detailed written description of how we should do laundry - I've even offered to tape her verbal explanation and transcribe it into a howto or Standard Operating Procedures document, but she refuses (yes, I can be a bastard at times...).
3) Disappear for too long a period while running errandsMy response:Maybe so. It takes as long as it takes to go do shit. Mrs_C generally approves my agenda before I go run errands. She has also been with me sometimes and always seems amazed that it takes as long as it takes.
She regularly says (during normal conversation) that she underestimates how long a job will take both at home and at work.
I admit to spending more time dropping the kids off at some of their activities and at their friends places than she does. I spend a general maximum of 10 to 15 minutes talking to the other parents and instructors and people so as to maintain good relations (schmoozing). Good relationships are important. To me at least. Mrs_C has no friends except at work, me, and her sister... Whose style works better?
P.S. I don't stay and schmooze if I need to meet a deadline.
Also, we have the agreed upon division of labour and Mrs_C does not want to begin doing more driving and stuff, but she still tells me she resents me being "off gallivanting around having fun and visiting" while she does "all the work that keeps the household running".
I have offered to split duties with her - she does more driving, I do more of her stuff - but she refuses.
4) Emotionally unavailable/distantMy response:2 issues
a) how am I supposed to get all kissy faced and huggy wuggy when I've just had a new asshole ripped for me? I'm gun-shy for a few days after being thwacked - I usually only get a few days reprieve between "discussions".
b) ok - so I'm a bit of a stick sometimes. Usually I'm quite funny. I'm very caring. But when I'm worried or emotionally unsure I become reserved and flat emotionally - it's a defense mechanism. See above comment about gun shy for a few days... so I'm edgy and careful for a few days between emotional thumpings and I usually only get a few days between them - so I'm uptight and nervous a lot - around Mrs_C. Yes - I have explained this to her. She says it's an excuse and if I really loved her I would be able to forgive her and move on. I say sure - but it takes a day or two for the emotional bruises to heal. And the tail-chasing continues...
5) Untrustworthy1) I didn't tell mrs_c about the tax and client deal thing (see Thursday, April 27, 2006 Sucking Up and Kissing Ass for more information) until after the fact.
2) I did not express many of my negative emotions about her and kept it inside.
3) I prefer to avoid arguments than to have them - I will take steps to resolve issues outside of confrontations and not explicitly express the steps I am taking. This has been described as
"sneaky". (example of this is: setting up written schedules for the kids to do some of their chores, and written lists of chores and household functions for myself as reminders. Mrs_C hates lists with a passion - she says we should be able to "just look around" and know what needs to be done. I make lists. My kids are kids - brain dead - they need both a list and a kick in the ass).
4) There have been a three instances where I financed a household project (a few thousand dollars) with a personal loan or with my credit card and did not explicitly explain that I had used debt financing at the time of the project. In the first instance I paid the loan off in 6 months. The two years and two projects after I used my credit cards and paid them off by September (expenditures started in May). Apparently Mrs_C made some assumption I had $5000 lying around to spend on each of these projects... even though she was explicitly aware I did not. She saw me use my credit cards to pay for stuff. I told her during the process I was using my cards.
Apparently not getting explicit and prior approval to use MY credit cards in advance for the projects is being untrustworthy... Remember - these are mutually agreed upon projects, all three of which were in response to Mrs_C's desire to renovate or upgrade.
5) I looked at some blogs and websites with nude pictures without Mrs_C being present, even though she had given me a go ahead. I have recently discovered there was an expiry on the explicit permission granted that ended with her interest ending. She never mentioned that, or that there was an issue until just a short while ago. Whether there is an actual current revocation of permission to view such or not is still pending. See post Thursday, April 20, 2006 Naked/Half-Naked Women Equals Infidelity.
6) Racking up several thousand dollars on my previously paid down credit cards over this last spring, summer and early fall is untrustworthy. Perhaps so, however, no credence or value is given to the explanation that I felt myself to be operating "solo" and operating in preparation for us splitting up in the inform/not inform cycle. I informed Mrs_C after we chose to stay together. FYI: charges were for: school excursion/trip with son, business trip, summer classes/activities for kids, family vacation, renovations, car repairs, school clothing needs for kids. I spent about $1000 of that on extra shit for my kids (clothes, games, dining and activities) in an effort to bribe them.
I also had a couple of thousand dollars worth of charges related to two leather coats and some clothing I had bought for Mrs_C (Christmas and Anniversary), but she will never learn that I used credit to buy those (unless she subpoenas my credit card records in divorce dispute)...
Read the story here6) MessyMy response:Guilty as charged. I'm better now. Even Mrs_C says so on good days.
Now only my office is messy. My "clothes chair" in our room has clothes hanging off it.
I keep the rest of the house to Mrs_C standards.
But I somehow still always manage to miss wiping some top of the door frame, or window ledge, or making the stuff under the sink neat, or re-organizing the storage room. Each time I miss something I put it on my list of stuff (yes - a written list) that I need to do to keep up my standards.
7) Too ribald around my childrenOn some occasions I make sexually nuanced jokes around my children. Mrs_C does not think that I am setting a good example.
My response:My kids talk about this stuff with their friends and schoolmates. They do. They will. No getting around it. The kids avoid anything like that around Mrs_C. She has a fit on them - she's a little uptight that way. Did I mention she was going to be a Nun when she was 17, but decided against it... (yes that was a comment designed to give you an impression of the style and source of some of her uptightness).
I try to be a little looser on the sexuality thing. My kids are bombarded with it every day - music videos and all. I want to maintain the ability to have a dialogue.
Perhaps I go over a line that I shouldn't, but I don't think so. My Mother and Father (two pretty uptight people that way) have said that they think the line that I walk is within the bounds of propriety. My mother-in-law says Mrs_C (her daughter) is being too uptight and that we need to relate not preach (BTW: the mother-in-law is a big part of the reason Mrs_C is so uptight... Mother-in-law has changed, some of her programming in Mrs_C hasn't)
8) SelfishMy response:I dunno. Nobody else says I am. Only Mrs_C.
9) Self-centredMy response:I dunno. Nobody else says I am. Only Mrs_C.
10) InsensitiveMy response:I dunno. Nobody else says I am. Only Mrs_C.
Well... at work people ask me how it is I manage to be so calm when other people are completely flipping out or stressed. They ask me how I can remain calm all the time.
That same calmness carries through most aspects of my life. That might be insensitive - to not display emotion on the surface.
11) LazyMy response:Maybe. I dunno. I work hard, I slack. Outside observers say I am not lazy and that I do a lot of stuff. I work hard at work. I do lots of stuff at home. I do an incredible amount of stuff with and for my kids. I am active in my community and with my kids schools and activities.
I don't go out with friends very often (a few times a year). I don't go for beer/drinks. I don't play sports, though I do exercise now.
12) Leave her with all the workMy response:See all the above...
