I started this blog to discuss the downward slide of my marriage. That marriage has now collapsed and I am trying to put together a my life in a new configuration. I want a world that rejoices in infinite diversity, and is not ordered in small boxes and neat rows... I want to greet each new day with the freshness, enthusiasm, energy, and possibility of first light on a spring morning. This is the story of how I'm doing.
Panic and adrenaline shock and fear and anxiety are trying to work their way into my psyche, but I have been able to hold them off so far - no - not hold them off... Have them blow around me - like the curved walls of a monolithic dome
It's still a wall - and the pressure is still there threatening - but it passes differently
Not quite the mighty oak I want to be - you see, when trees flex in the wind - like muscle being damaged by exercise - it makes tiny breaks in the cellulose structure of the tree which when healed makes the tree thicker and stronger
That's what I want - the flexibility in spirit to become stronger through adversity
Not the rigidity of having to fight
The difference between a seawall and a mangrove swamp
But, because I only have you to trust, I cannot be a cypress tree with interlocking roots helping support all the trees to survive the onslaught
So, for now I am the mighty oak (wanna be anyway... fake it 'til you make it... visualisation exercise...)
Perhaps if I were "surrounded by like minded people" I could be a cypress tree - then it wouldn't matter that we were living in the swamp - and swamps are full of life and sound and diversity - it would be our environment and we would be nourished by it's teeming life and energy
Because we would be living
In a place that was/is alive - full of sound - life - vitality
Much better than a desert - whether concrete and urban or the sand kind
Or the semi-arid, semi-desert that is [where we live] - waiting for a little rain - a little sunshine - a little warmth - to bloom for the week that we do - to wither and die until the next year we have the chance to bloom in the desert
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I listened to music this morning and enjoyed it
It has been awhile
Music, except for very mellow background stuff (like Sade), has irritated me for months - except when exercising when it is just a beat - even then - much of it irritated me and I kept forwarding through songs on the player
[edit note - the word "score" has been replaced in most instances with "jumping obstacle" (like in horse show jumping) to better reflect my intent]
Took a boat Sunday, down by the sea It just felt so nice, you and me We didn't have a problem or a care And all around was silence, everywhere
You are the reason I was born Be with you through all seasons I'll always hear you when you call We'll keep the love light shining Through each night and day A lonely life behind me Oh what a change you've made
So down here on the ocean we will stay Went through a lot of changes Turned a lot of pages When I took a boat Sunday
To know you as I know you now That is all I need And we will get along somehow If we both believe
So down here on the ocean we will stay Went through a lot of changes Turned a lot of pages When I took a boat Sunday
Smitten and I took a trip to the Caribbean. Some of you will have seen my videos of the event.
The trip is the culmination of decades of wishing. I have been enthralled by the Caribbean since I was in my early twenties. I had visited Africa in my late teens and early 20s and loved the tropics. I have been around a good chunk of the world (and had been by the time I met the STBX).
The warmth in Africa was incredible. Being in a place that has never known a glacier or freezing on more than a freak basis is beyond words. I live in a place where the ground is frozen 8 months of the year. Everything in life is clustered around preparing to survive these gawd-awful miserable winters - 20 to 40 below zero before you add the wind chill for months at a time.
To encounter the slow baked warmth - it is like the difference between beans that have been cooked for an hours, and beans that have been baked for days... A whole land that is totally cooked - totally warm... You may not understand just how cold it gets, and just how the weather permeates every element of the society and culture I live in. We are pretty much all only a single generation (well, to be precise, 80% according to Statistics Canada in 1997) off the land (farm or Indian reserve). The weather is everything when it comes to survival.
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We have an annual festival of cultures in my city. At the Caribbean pavilion I first encountered Caribbean roti. As I ate my first roti filled with beef curry, and a side of red beans and rice, i knew that any culture that could create food like that was one I wanted to be a part of.
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Being on the island we were on felt like home to me. More than here.
Being in the sun (even if i was sweating a lot) and the humid air was pure tonic for my scarred and still bleeding psyche.
Being naked on the beach with only a few people some distance away was comfortable and pleasant. Being in the salt water in that sun, warmth, and air was like nothing else. this trip is the first time I have been in the warm ocean (north sea/english channel/northern europe previous - didn't get in the water in Australia) - never made it in all my travel. Water here is cold. The beach here is quite uncomfortablely cold for me... not the Caribbean. I could feel the rhythm and the energy of the ocean and the waves. It was like being immersed in pedialyte... (that probably sounds really weird). The warm ocean made my body tingle like after i have ingested electrolyte balancing solutions.
Smitten said that she has never seen me live more in the moment than in that ocean, in those waves. Never seen me happier or more expressively joyful in the simple joy of my own existence.
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I had put together this trip for my own needs - and to further my agenda of moving to the Caribbean - AND (this a a big "AND") - to "prove" to Smitten that I could "provide". That i could follow through on a promise - the promise that we would go - that all the batshit crazy ideas and dreams (which she has never thought were batshit crazy) of moving to an island in the sun could be real. that i really would cough up a trip and not an excuse as to why we couldn't go (yes, baggage, baggage, baggage...)
because i still believed (and still sort of believe [but i'm workin' on it...]) that i really wasn't worthy of her company, that she is (you'll recall my first thoughts on meeting her) "waaaayyyyy out of my league" - i had a bunch of activities planned to show her that i could at least provide awesome entertainment and a good time (in my younger years i called it "the hustle" when i was workin' the ladies...). new activities that might provide some incentive for her to keep me around (yes, yes, yes - i'm in therapy for these issues...)
(remember - this is honesty talking here - real self-image crap - not the front a person puts forward - i can rationalise with the best of them, but why bother?)
so, we went on a big trip.
(we had also just returned from a trip to Texas driving my parents to their winter place and getting over the border to Mexico (jumping obstacle 1 cleared for cadbury) - Smitten was bowled over. missed seeing Sicilian because we got delayed driving down (my Mom forgot her money belt with passport and stuff one morning [4 hours lost time]) - but that will be fixed sometime this year i hope). a big thank-you to Sicilian for finding a place that served the best fresh pecan pie we have ever tasted (smack dab in the middle of Texas pecan country) for Smitten to enjoy after she was suddenly able to eat more than brown rice and eggs again after we discovered the diagnosis and medication (us - not the doctors... they just agreed with us...)
got to meet Pissy (yay!!!). got to see historic Atlanta and a historic graveyard Smitten (and Pissy) loves graveyards - her ex-husband never wanted to go see graveyards with her (jumping obstacle 2 cleared for cadbury). MEGA shout out to Pissy for finding one with ultra-cool gargoyles and huge mini-church mausoleums and civil war graves and stuff.
went to south Florida and met some other friends. took a 10 passenger stretch limo sedan from Fort Lauderdale to West Palm Beach. just the two of us. way cool. Smitten had never been in a stretch limo before (and neither had i...) and had always wanted to (jumping obstacle 3 cleared for cadbury) i figured the best way to do florida would be to indulge every bit of cheesy fantasy and visuals from all the movies and tv shows - so a limo on the freeway was a no-brainer - i was trying to impress the lady, after all...
awesome hotel (cha-ching price, though...) in WPB (jumping obstacle 4 cleared for cadbury).
went for a helicopter excursion as Smitten had not ever been on a helicopter before (jumping obstacle 5 cleared for cadbury). it was cool - i got to fly it - the place doing the excursion was a flight school, so they threw it in as a surprise bonus (it also allowed them to count it as flight training time for their instructor to keep up with certifications and such [there is a recession on and helicopter flight training is a bit of a luxury...]. it's also a great sales tool "want to fly a helicopter - we give lessons, you know...")
that would be the cheesy visual from "Miami Vice" in the '80s - flying along the beach with all the big houses and stuff...
went for cuban food in the number one cuban restaurant north of Miami (jumping obstacle 6 cleared for cadbury) with great friends of mine (who recommended the restaurant)
flew to Puerto Rico and had good sport in the airport there waiting for our next flight - and while a kind of rattley dinged up turbo-prop aircraft is often considered less cool than a jet - it added to the adventure of the trip (jumping obstacle 7 cleared for cadbury)
arrived at the eventual island. it was great. a little rushed, confusing, and disorientingly fast coming at us - but still way cool. With the rush and bizarreness of the island and coming in at night after a long day, Smitten and I forgot her bag with her medication in the taxi (and my new $600 video camera, and her passport), though. That was a very bad bit of time - the medication is the only thing that allows her to eat like a normal human and not be in danger of serious angioedema. that was the most worrying . i was able to arrange/handle our way through the eventual recovery of the bag. yay! for honest taxi drivers and large tips that make them feel positive about the white folks they just dropped off... (jumping obstacle 8 cleared for cadbury)
(i expect you are getting sick of me counting the score and the self-congratulations - but there is a point to it)
the next morning was spectacular. the hotel was locally owned and a little less five star, but was sheer perfection from an adventure standpoint (jumping obstacle 9 cleared for cadbury). the view was breathtaking. the coffee was incredible (imported Haitian/French).
the innkeeper took us around the island personally as out tour guide so we didn't have to worry about being ripped off (better rates than the tour/taxi operators)
new year's eve in the warm
the mega-yacht harbour tour on the other end of the island
and, we took a sailing yacht tour. Smitten loves water. She loves sailboats. She used to live on the west coast of Canada and got to go on ferries, but not on sailboats - and not on a classically made - hand made - Caribbean sloop.
and not on a private tour with 3 staff (yes more than passengers), with a provided lunch on the boat and snorkeling and "rolly waves" (it was a big waves, gorgeous, sunny day).
in a word: perfection
she looked so incredibly beautiful to me. i was moved every moment of that day.
when she asked me what i was feeling, i told her: "if i die at this very moment - my life is fulfilled. you are everything i have dreamed of in my life. being here with you today, is everything i have dreamed of in my life."
the day ended with a trip to a hilltop restaurant that served amazing local cuisine (i had the curried conch, Smitten had a baked fish dish)
when we arrived back at the inn, she told me she was tired and got ready for bed. she said that she didn't know how long she would be able to stay awake.
i did nothing.
i copied the day's pictures and videos to the computer and left her alone.
that's what my programming told me to do.
tired is a code word in my programming for "stay away"
you see, i was filled with anxiety that i was not making the mark. that i was not up to snuff. i felt fat. i felt sweaty. i felt less than the goddess i was with.
the idea of anything else was so outside the box for me, it was inconceivable. in my mind i was lucky that she would even deign to spend time with me.
so when she was hurt that i didn't finish the "perfect romance" of the day by wanting to make love with her... it was like getting hit by a log on a chain.
so much for score 10 for cadbury
the perfect day sailing on the ocean still didn't make me good enough to be with her
i was, in what the kids on the bulletin boards would call, total fail
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the next day around noon it occurred to me
without having millions of dollars
this was about as close to perfection a trip could ever be - the only thing that could beat a custom built wooden sloop and a private cruise might be hot-air ballooning in southern France (yes - that, as well, has long been on the list of things to do to impress Smitten). Smitten herself called this Caribbean adventure "the trip of my [her] life".
and if it still wasn't good enough - if this trip and all the stuff i had arranged - all the cool activities - how could anything i ever do be enough?
(you see- that was the hustle with the ladies - always being able to one up my last gig - my last bit of exotic excitement - and it would fall apart when i ran out of things to impress them with - when there was only me left - well - i was never good enough - and the anxiety would crush and destroy me... and then there was the stbx - who demanded bigger and better every single event - and punished the living shit out of me if it wasn't fully unique every Christmas, birthday, valentine's day, vacation... and demanded that the bigger and better only ever cost 4 bucks...)
and i knew that it was in my head
that i was the one that didn't measure up to my expectations of me
and i realised
and i decided
that if the ultimate awesomo trip couldn't make me feel secure enough in being with Smitten, then nothing would
and that at some point i would have to give up
because i wasn't going to be able to top this one (very often...)
i would have to give up and let her decide whether she wanted to be with me
to accept that i was either good enough or not
that i was good enough
worthwhile enough
just as a human being
for her to want to spend time with me - just for who i am
not for what i can do for her
to begin to understand, to begin to accept, that i really am intrinsically a worthwhile human being
with best of intentions, i have wanted to be around here, and around your blogs
but, i haven't been around anywhere too much
been hiding - literally
without going into the long details of the universe or any further historical whinefest - i have PTSD - stuffing the emotion and stress associated with a violent school environment as a kid, the repression of natural child exuberance from being part of a political household (always on display...), and then a violent and emotionally abusive 20 year marriage - resulting in fibromyalgia as well
i am in therapy to address the issues. i am in a new kind of therapy called somatic experience where the therapist leads you through reconnecting to your body.
positive from a healing perspective, but fucks me over a bit with bodily reactions and so on. because i can actually feel parts of my body that i haven't felt in years, and addressing some of my psychological firmament, and because i am rejecting the control methods i used previously, actually physically feeling parts of my body/muscles that were in spasm, numb, or partially paralysed leaves me a little emotionally rocky...
the team of therapists i am working with are experimenting with my treatment - the treatment and techniques themselves are experimental - they haven't had anyone as messed (the trauma healing techniques have been primarily used in relation to car accidents and stuff like that) that is as intelligent, self-aware, and motivated to hard and go fast as me. i'm told most folks are more resistant to changing themselves. they are working with a group of counselors from around north america to try different nuances and applications of what to this point have been theories with minimal real world application/verification
some of the people in the larger group are working with people returning from the wars so there is a keen interest in a subject who is from a disciplined background, moving fast, highly aware, knows the jargon and is able to feed back into their technique honing
but it's hard sometimes
so i hide
luckily i am good enough at what i do, and my workplace is understanding enough (being a medical facility and all...), that i can hide and do the behind the scenes stuff at work without having to come out
so, that's the story
as i said - i had positive intention - but that was before the alterations to my being from the new therapy. and i wait until it passes
go into your gmail settings and disable google buzz completely until they have fixed the privacy problems
"One problem that immediately caused concern was Google's decision to automatically give users a ready-made circle of friends based on the people they most frequently e-mailed. Unless users changed settings in their profile, this list could automatically be made public, allowing anyone to see who a user corresponded with most frequently. [P]rivacy experts immediately pointed out this could cause problems for journalists, businesses or even people having an illicit affair."
"See for example this story of an anonymous woman who writes a (self-proclaimed) feminist blog, which she started after leaving an abusive marriage. (found on Hacker News)Hint: the title is 'Fuck you, Google'.An excerpt:I use my private Gmail account to email my boyfriend and my mother.There?s a BIG drop-off between them and my other ?most frequent? contacts.You know who my third most frequent contact is?My abusive ex-husband.Which is why it?s SO EXCITING, Google, that you AUTOMATICALLY allowed all my most frequent contacts access to my Reader, including all the comments I?ve made on Reader items, usually shared with my boyfriend, who I had NO REASON to hide my current location or workplace from, and never did."
unknown Canadian Maritime reader, if you ever want to leave a note (hint, hint), you'll have to create a dummy account at least for now (for the time being)
got a call on monday at just after 5 while i was in texas
they got the cheque at 4:57pm
it was deposited in my account on tuesday afternoon by my lawyer
more when i have the mental fortitude to tell you the details
i'm tired - still exhausted from a hard core 2000 mile drive (my parents) from here to texas in 3 days and a day long flight home wednesday and piling straight back into work on thursday
i have instructed my lawyer to update the divorce filing from 2007 and get it done
it should be done while i am in the sunny caribbean after christmas for 2 weeks
can you believe the stbx told my daughter she missed me?
maybe it's true,
but i think she should have thought of that before
Subject: bank says i'm still on the mortgage, and there are no flags to indicate a transfer...
i just got off the bank with the branch in an official phone call to them about the status of the mortgage that my name is on
they tell me that there are no flags or messages with regard to the mortgage being transferred
they said something might be on a mortgage officer's desk, but that nothing shows in their system, and that they can't give me anything other than what shows up under my name
the lady told me that unless i can give them the name of a mortgage officer who is being dealt with they can't get any more information
is there any proof she has even talked to the bank?
is there any proof being offered by her lawyer that she/they are doing anything other than jerking me around some more?
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called [property registry]
my name is still on the property title and there is no indication of a title transfer request on the record
he is sick of this. he is only doing family law because my lawyer is on maternity leave, and the other family law lawyer left the firm. so the others have to pick up the cases.
he is sick of the stbx and her bullshit - terribly
in one of our meetings he told me he "now understood" my anger and frustration when he looked at the the file - which is about 6 inches thick...
he sent me this email on friday
Re: day 15 of 7 - any word on anything?
[cadbury], I am out of the office most of today. I did hear that mortgage documents were the issue and I have followed up. -----Original Message----- From: [cadbury] To: [lawyer] Sent: 11/27/2009 10:17:18 AM Subject: day 15 of 7 - any word on anything?
has anyone on the other side even returned a phone call?
is there any information on anything?
[cadbury]
i was not satisfied with this amount of information because i believe the stbx is not acting in good faith and is actively stalling for every day she can - it is her pattern - a minute, and hour, a day, a week - stall, stall, stall
so i went to the bank. i am still on the mortgage. i was going to talk to a mortgage officer and find out if there was "anything i needed to do, or needed to instruct my lawyer to do" to facilitate disposition of the title transfer. iwas going to be utterly sincere, explain how i don't talk much with the stbx, but that she had said there was some kind of authorisation thing that was held up, and that she had told me that i needed to sign something at the bank - and could they tell me what i needed to do or have my lawyer do
they wouldn't tell me very much, but what they would tell me would verify whether she had even been to the bank to talk to them, and might allow me to glean a little information
i was, and am, of the opinion that she hadn't done anything and that it was only the threat of suing that would motivate her
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i got to the bank
i was waiting for the mortgage receptionist to get off the phone, when
guess who walked in?
the stbx
she looked directly at me, but gave no acknowledgment. i gave none to her either.
she turned her back to me and waited
i waited for a minute because i had not anticipated this possible situation. i thought she would be on her way to work at that moment.
then i left
at least we know she was at the bank and waiting to talk to a mortgage officer...
not expecting they will have it done, just wondering if there is any word as to their progress.
the thing that i am fearful of, is that she/they have done essentially nothing and will stall for 2 or 3 weeks on getting this done
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lawyer called me back to say that all he has heard is the whistling wind
he hasn't even been able to reach her lawyer(s)
the agreement says i'm supposed to get my money 7 days from signing. it's now 9 days since the fully countersigned documents were returned to her lawyer
he has left a voicemail reminding her of the 7 day provision. he advised them that we understand that it might take a day or two extra, especially with the Remembrance Day holiday in there. he reminded them that we are now in a position to take enforcement action against them and force the sale of the house, among other remedies. he has asked for their estimate of when it will be done.
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daughter told me that the stbx told her flat out that she was stalling as long as she could because "she thinks she'll be broke as soon as she pays you"
as always, if they say it isn't about the money - it's about the money...
I'm going to be out of country (driving my parents to Texas [hopefully meeting Sicilian while down there - she lives very near our route]) when the clinic's childrens' Christmas Party is on. I would have been Santa otherwise.
But, being as I will be some 2000 miles away...
And being as there is a shortage of males on staff, and the various husbands and partners are not very good sports [grump].
The boyfriend of one of our staffers is going to be Santa.
He's from New York (metro). He's Jewish. He's studying to be a Rabbi. Lived in Israel on a Kibbutz and all the rest...
(I am friends with them - he's hilarious)
This is one of the funniest absurdities I have encountered in some time.
(He says that he wants to be known to the adults as "Morty Claus" from Macy's.)
i am being somewhat circumspect in my language in this post because i don't particularly want to pop up on any search engines for the normal terms used.
as you are aware the hospitals and medical system here is government run and paid for. there are private clinics (usually owned by the doctors at the clinic) that bill to the government. the private labs also bill the government - it's sort of hybrid between a full state system and an insurance/HMO kind of deal - except no-one gets turned down. the medical care insurance commission (which may not be even called that anymore) is a giant bill paying centre. you show up at a medical practitioner, show them your health card (government issue), and everything else is just auto-magically taken care of. all the billing is direct between the provider and the government. no deductables, no forms (patient forms - the provider sends all the paperwork and electronic billing).
lots of the specialists are on salary and some level of fee for service.
i work in a large co-op clinic (theoretically "owned" and controlled by the members) that is "arms length" from the government/department of health, but is fully funded by the government.
the emergnecy departments are being swamped by people with flu symptoms. over 300 a day (our community only has about 350,000 people at most in urban/rural coverage area)
300 people a day extra is a fair volume.
so our clinic volunteered to be the screening centre - regular and the "porcine" variety. we have all been immunised for a couple of weeks already as health care workers (some staff didn't get immunised, but only a couple)
it's really interesting to be part of this kind of an organisational effort to "tool up" for handling this. everything from needing metal garbage cans (sterilisation), parking logistics, line ropes, ordering extra masks, blah, blah
it's really kind of cool
i am totally a "systems" guy. i love knowing the tiny details about how things run, and all the little tricks and bits that allow systems to run - everything from manufacturing plants to laundry facilities to sewage to power plants and grids to road crews - i'm on it. physical plant and methods of organisation. i want to know. every detail.
this is neat
also, being the new guy and the "man about the house" in the circle of 56 long term employed women, i'm culturally less likely to be all bitchy about all the extras that have to be done to make this work. i am afraid that my long term employed/unionised comrades (i'm union too - former shop steward and provincial labour council member, i might add) are concerned more with how this might inconvenience them, than in just getting the job done...
so, even though i'm the computer guy/privacy officer, i fix toilets, buy garbage cans, put up rope lines, move furniture, run cables and power, paint, cover open areas and wipe walls with germicides
i figure i'm being paid to work. this is a special situation, and everyone can bend a little to meet the need.
there are a lot of sick people out there and there will be a lot more when this peaks in the projected 4 - 6 weeks.
my lawyer [R] says that the stbx's lawyer [J] has advised him that the stbx says that financing is not in place. nothing is prepped. she [J] says.
the stbx has been telling me and the mediators that everything was ready to go and that all i had to do was sign the transfer agreements. since june she's been saying this.
now, nothings done. they say.
fuck
well, it's predictable. at least the agreement is signed and it stipulates that they have 7 days to come up with the money. they signed it.
i will so sue. and so fast.
i have a contract now. they will have some defense against a suit if they can prove that they are diligently and expeditiously following up on their end of the contract. but if they try to delay for any reason, i will be so on their ass.
i have something to work with now
she doesn't have all the control anymore
whomever said "possession is nine-tenths of the law", sure knew what they were talking about. but now i have a contract (settlement).
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i told my lawyer to complete the divorce proceedings. i filed a year or two ago, but it was never completed. he is sending the sign-off documents when he returns their signed copies of the settlement so that the stbx can sign the divorce stuff right away - the stbx will have to go in to sign various transfer documents. we'll see what her reaction is to having the divorce papers that fast.
i hope it makes her ears bleed
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i have requested my lawyer draw up a new will to replace the interim documentation that i had put together after separating.
i am establishing a trust for my kids money - no-way they are getting their hands on any cash until they are much older and straightened out a bit.
i am putting in some provision for Smitten
and that's pretty much it
i don't have much
$350,000 or so in life insurance through the Knights of Columbus, i have to check and see what my work group life plan is... and then whatever is left of any assets after debts.
i figure i put the $350 towards the kids, and the rest to Smitten.
today - they waited until 4:47pm to have it arrive at my lawyer's office - 5pm was the deadline for the deal to be off.
the last deadline was friday at 5pm. they said thursday that they would sign on friday, because otherwise we would be in court. and then at 3:30pm sent my lawyer an email that said that the stbx had another urgent matter to attend to (turned out to be changing her parents' shower head). they promised monday. this morning i sent back a note that said that i would not extend the deadline again and that my lawyer had instructions to draft the court documents to be delivered to the court on tuesday morning.
4:47pm
3 years, 4 months, 9 agreements and deals with numerous side deals, 2 formal lawyer drafted agreements later
she signed
fuck i hate her
i hate her so much
her actions all the way through say what kind of a human being she is.
i am so better off without her
as much as i can keep her away
she can still fuck me around on taking her sweet time on paying me - even though there is a 7 day clause - she'll still fuck with me
as soon as the papers with my signature are delivered to her lawyer, my lawyer has instructions to file the actual divorce documents
two weeks ago she said she'd be signing it by that friday
last week i told my lawyer (my lawyer has been a total slackass) to tell stbx and her team that if we didn't have a response by friday we'd be in court
late thursday we get a note saying they'll be with us on monday
got a response today with yet more retarded and bizarre demands
as part of the review of the statutory rape stuff with daughter there is also a mandatory family and environment review with regard to the minor involved (daughter).
i'm not in any danger
once again, i'm the only sane human being involved in the whole process. so the "authorities" review the situation and conclude that the stbx is nuts, that my children are fucked, but there is nothing they can do because there is one sane person in the picture.
and bad parenting and being a wingnut freak is not something they can do anything about. they can't intervene when the stbx hits daughter, as long as it isn't very much...
they can't order her into counseling because she doesn't pose a "clear danger" to daughter
they can't even officially urge anyone to go to counseling
but they can lump all the case details together and dump it all on me and tell me i need to try to get everyone involved to go for counseling. and try to get them to not be so fucked.
i hate this
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it looks like my idiot son managed to incriminate himself
one of the things that came out in all of this is that there was some sexual interplay between son and daughter in the summer of 2006 when they were on vacation with their mother
(why is it that all the crap seems to happen on her watch, hmmm?)
it was not intercourse and it appears to have been a one time event
but son was 14 and daughter was 10 at the time. so he may get charged.
probably not, but he might
i'm not paying for a defense lawyer if he does. he's 18 (in a week) he can go to legal aid. he would get charged as a minor because the event occurred as a minor.
even though daughter initiated it - self admittedly - he was old enough - there's no excuse.
----
i know that shit happens between brothers and sisters sometimes... it's in the fucking bible...
it was a one time event, i'm told
so, i can cope with the event
there is no indication that he was acting in a predatory manner
the police and children's justice have reached that conclusion as well
----
there has been a bunch of spill-over behaviours and other shit that now makes sense to me
including son's anger about something that he would never discuss
some of daughter's weird sexually expressive behaviour (hanging out in skimpy bra and panties) around son...
----
i am really unsure of how to process all of this
i guess the thing that really infuriates me is that son didn't think through the consequences of his actions when he went to the police
there are spillover consequences for a whole lot of people - this doesn't just affect him or her and spills out in a lot places to a lot of people
this is a small enough community - if word of all of this crap starts to leak out it is going to make life very uncomfortable for everyone - but especially for daughter who still has to go to school...
the rest of us can leave and hide and things
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son is out of control
i had already packed most of his shit
i am packing the last of it
i've asked for my keys back and told him he is not welcome here. not because of what he did with his sister (i still don't have the full details on what went down) but because he is out of control and i don't trust him
he is disloyal;
self-centred;
hypocritical;
self-righteous (without any basis for that righteousness);
and is not a team player.
he is dangerous to have anywhere near me.
i don't want him around. all of this could have been dealt with in counseling and in a softer manner. the police have only some fairly blunt instruments to use - like criminal charges
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he was pressured into reporting this by his cousins
got all worked up and told to be a hero
and then left dangling
without having thought everything through
i believe that the stbx and her sister (cousins' mother) manipulated this set of events. it fits their past actions and profile.
they just had no clue of anything beyond the statutory rape stuff with the older guy
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the police/children's justice would have had to be involved at some level because the counselors would have been legally bound to report it - and so they should - but if it was already in intensive counseling things would have gone a different way...
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i cut off his phone and cut off his gym membership. i will still have to pay them out - $250 to buy out the cell phone contract. another year on the gym at $50 per month - but i can extract some of that value in extra training and benefits for me
daughter still isn't going to exercise
so that's another wasted $50 a month for her membership too
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no good deed goes unpunished
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either i have some serious karmic shit happening to me from a past life...
or, i don't know what
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how does this happen?
really
i'm a nice guy
a really nice guy
how does this happen?
i try to be good and accommodating and nice
and what?
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Smitten says that no-one who gets involved with a person with borderline personality disorder gets out unscathed
----
my lesson
the one i have really learned
don't accommodate anyone or anything
my way or the highway
in any situation now, if something strikes me as wrong or not the way i want it i am pushing back
it's a new behaviour
but the whole good christian/socialist/nicey nice thing has just seen people run over me and use me
i've decided that until someone proves themselves to be a thinking human being that conforms to my notions of loyalty and thinking ability...
that i am going to treat them in exactly the manner i would treat a dog
i like dogs
i like dogs a lot
but they are not people
they have their own sense of the universe and most of that sense has to do with who is up and who is down
if one dog allows another dog to steal its food the other dog will
they have a highly defined power hierarchy
and the big dog snarls and kicks the shit out of the others
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you see
there are no points and little respect for being nice
people will treat you the way that you allow them to treat you
and if they think they can push or shove or finagle their own way
they will
without regard for what happens to you
without regard for you
and if you are always generous and accommodating - they will perceive it as weakness
the above is Tony Bennett. yes - the Tony Bennett - as taken from my cell phone (Tony is the standing/singing figure). got free tickets, went to see him with Smitten the other night. a good reminder of what life and its trials and tribulations has beaten out of us. we are going to try to do more fun things and have more fun.
and less burden...
a previous attempt at living - a sunday afternoon jazz session at a little cafe in small artsy town near our city
a meal like we eat together
the yams and the plate on the right are smitten's - her dietary limitations continue. we don't know what to do. but this one allergist thinks they might have an idea.
she's down to being able to eat about 9 things - on a good day... she gets pain pretty much any time she eats anything
my vitamins
when i was 13 (like my daughter is now) i never imagined i'd be 44 sitting in an apartment by myself counting out my vitamins because i have a stress disorder because of my psychotic ex...
there were more porsches and beaches and private jets
at least i have the hot babe girlfriend part of my adolescent fantasy ;-P
(picture posted with permission)
We both like this pic because of the contrast, and even the graininess of the picture
Smitten's groovy dual screen set-up in her home office. It's hard to believe this lady was anti-computer 3 and a bit years ago. Now she has 3 laptops among the 5 computers now in her house (she will be ditching one of the desktops with her most recent acquisition of a laptop for her daughter (she also has an additional work laptop...)
I had arrived at Smitten's place one night a few weeks ago with cold beer and several bottles of wine (unfortunately she can't drink wine for the time being - trial and error has shown that she can tolerate a few ales, gin, and Glennfiddich 12 year...). She was just wearing underwear and a t-shirt and I decided it was time to nibble on her leg to tease her. She was doing research on her computer. I wandered out after spending some time nibbling... when I arrived back she had changed into the above outfit to tease and bait me in return.
It was very warm, so I decided to lie down on the hardwood floor (a cool place with a good view) and was inspired to take a few cell phone pics from that vantage point.
Please keep in mind, these pictures were just what they were - not intended for posting - just farting about with a cell phone and having some fun. Now shared with friends.
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being mindful of the four pillars is one of our goals that we have renewed
they are going to charge the two guys that daughter got together with (on separate occasions...). they are waiting until a more senior detective gets back to do some more stuff on the case.
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2 sessions of the eating disorder group so far
had an epiphany
the leaders asked us to do some free-association with words - pumpkin pie, broccoli, raw oysters, turkey and so on. my word - really, this is true - the word that popped up with every food except for raw oysters (sex) was "mom"
the group leader (my co-worker) said - alright then - i think this shows some continuity, [cadbury]
they did an exercise where we were supposed to identify triggers for eating. examples were things like watching a movie, thanksgiving, celebration and such, bad day, "deserve a treat". none of the triggers that the others identified did anything for me. the rest of the group is women. all the triggers worked for them. not for me.
so i thought "when do i binge?"
when i am hungry AND after having to remain in control and even keeled for an extended duration. when i'm weak and frustrated.
then there was an exercise about how food is used. for example to soothe a child.
the leader asked "what elese could we do for that child?". someone said "hold them", "give them a hug"
all of a sudden out of my mouth pops the sarcastic and loudly stated:
"I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'D DO ANYTHING. WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST SAY "SUCK IT UP", GET OVER IT. GET YOUR HEAD SCREWED ON STRAIGHT. STOP SNIVELLEING. WHY AREN'T YOU DOING SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT? LIKE BUILDING A STRUCTURE OR A MULTI-STORY BUILDING OR SOMETHING? wouldn't that be more effective?"
(i don't believe any of the above and have never practiced it)
the lady sitting next to me says "i agree with him. just tell them to suck it up"
i said "uh, that's not my opinion - it's my dad's"
and then it all started to come together
and i realised
control discipline duty order responsibility don't cry don't shirk what is the use of play when there's work to be done?
Real life or online existence – which one is closer to the real you? Which reflects your true reality? In blogging, or online, you might explore those things you can’t say in the “real world”. Are social constraints necessarily part of who we really are? Who am I? Some days I don’t know. I'm a guy who’s trying to live life as a decent human being… and occasionally messing up or getting hit by an existential truck.
