The Trail (Part 1)

It feels like it's been forever since I last wrote here. I have been visiting your blogs on a half-assed basis, trying to stay current, even if not participating.

It's been a long couple of weeks riding the trail.

Not sure where that trail is going right now.

So, what's going on?

The stbx is going increasingly unstable. It is taking a lot of time and psychic effort to assist my kids and to stay fully anchored for their sake.

I have been headhunted for a job. The executive director of a high-tech industry association.

I got a disciplinary letter from work saying I was slack, shoddy, and disinterested (nonchalant) in my work (the quick summary of two pages).

One of the worst moments came when I went back to my office after the initial hour long meeting about the letter. I had just sat down and was trying to keep myself composed. The letter and the meeting had come right out of the blue - no expectation of it whatsoever. And my daughter called. Called to talk to me about her mother and the pressure and anxiousness daughter feels. Daughter is having trouble coping with her mother's instability and increasingly irrational behaviour and outlook on life. It took every bit of my being to not allow my voice to crack or to betray how I was feeling. To keep myself stable and calm and reassuring for daughter.

I am grieving the letter and the points it makes. I have challenged the way that my boss and the office manager have characterised the incidents they discuss in the letter. Resolution is currently bound up within the grievance process. I am making sure that I behave in a way that is unassailable.

One criticism is my arrival time. My office manager has hated my flex hours arrangement with my previous boss for the entire time I have worked there. She does not consider my flex hours reason (getting kids off to school in the morning) to be valid. She is angry and resentful that she had to do it all those years (she's in her late 50s) and still get to work at the appointed hour. She is angry that I am getting a "special privilege" because I'm a man. Even though flex hours is in our contract. She is mad because on of the other people (a woman) did not get granted flex hours when she requested it. The lady requesting it had as part of her specific job duties to open the office in the morning... at 8am. So the former boss said no to flex for her.

I would stay until later. But in the office manager's eyes, only the 8am start time counts.

So she revoked my flex and i was late a few more times - including for medical appointments - that's part of the grievance. No one else has been disciplined for coming in after 8am (arrivals go from 8 'til about 8:15am). Again, part of the grievance.

Also, they said I had missed/not completed a couple of pieces of work. I had handed them off to co-workers because I was working on a network problem. I have no direct supervisor right now, and had made my own judgments because my boss was unavailable.

Also, as we have re=formed in our new status as an office - all the roles have changed - and the job descriptions remain the same. I essentially have no list of duties right now. All but two of the things that they complained about are nowhere described in the contract or in any list of duties.

I should note that I am not perfect, and that they are within their rights and within reason to speak to me about the issues they did. They can ask for better performance (especially on the 8 am arrival time) - but part of that improved performance counts on them providing better direction.

They agreed that my counterpoints had validity and committed to doing better at providing guidance and direction. That they would actually give me a list of things they consider to be my duties. As I said in one of the meetings "I accept that i may have appeared to be wandering aimlessly - because I am. But that's because I have no idea of what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm just guessing. That's why I've wandered into each of your offices for sometime now, on at least a weekly basis and asked you what my role in our new structure is. Pieces of my old job have been moved around to other people - and I'm OK with that - but how can you give me shit when I don't even have a list of job duties? I'm not going to accept any formal discipline or formal complaint until I know, in writing, what I am responsible for."

They committed to giving me better direction, duties in writing, and a written list of priorities - as well as committing to being available when I need a decision made on conflicting priorities - and giving me written authority to make my own decision when they are (as they often are) unavailable.

The grievance process will be a long one - and will likely involve the revision of our collective agreement.

----

The kids are shellshocked.

They have this terrible haunted look in their eyes.

I feel awful for them.

Daughter has begun discussing an endgame that would see her live full time with me. Son has been talking about moving out with his friends - I'm trying to assist him in thinking through that sort of a decision - which would be a bad one for him.

On a personal level - family level it's quite draining.

I will discuss some fo these details later.

----

As mentioned I've been headhunted - not a perfect scenario, but one that would see me out of the current volatile work situation I'm in, and into another...

I'm going for an interview and thinking things through

more on that later.

----

That's it for now

this post turned out to be longer than i had first thought

i am heading out with son to do a few errands

daughter is away in another city at an ethnic dance festival.

"charity dinner"

Daughter and Son had agreed they would tell their mother where they were going.

When it came right to the point of telling her daughter blinked and told their mother they were going to a charity dinner. Son wasn't happy but followed his sister's lead.

The birthday dinner was good.

I thought they had followed through on the plan. I found out tonight they had not.

Even though I was supportive of dodging the bullet, once that I had brought myself to the mental and emotional place needed to support the kids through the shit storm, I was a little deflated by the turn of events.

voicemail and conversation with son

i get home this morning from Smitten's. There is a voice mail from daughter. She is telling me that her mother is not home. It's almost midnight when the message was left. Daughter did not call me on my cell (i have since given explicit instructions [again] to call me on my cell because i might not be home).

Son calls me after school, tells me that their mother left. Said she was going for a pack of smokes. Gone for 2 1/2 hours until 12:30 a.m.

the kids were concerned about her. they don't know whether she's dead, or has followed through on her abandonment threat. They stay up waiting.

they call her sister, they call boyfriend bob - neither has heard from her. she didn't take her cell phone.

She comes home. They challenge her. she says "oh, i forgot my cell phone", son points out she could have used a payphone...

She launches into some shit she's read in a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer (some book - i think by him - i'll confirm...). She keeps the kids up until 1:30 a.m. engaged in some psycho drama.

This is on a Sunday night. That would be a school night. And then when son doesn't make it to school today, she comes home and bitches at him.

I am at a loss for words.

Battletoads

some excerpts from an email exchange with Smitten (names removed - if you spot one send me mail right away, please)

yes - the subject line of that email was the same as the title of this post

this is in regard to a birthday dinner for her son - a dinner that got rescheduled from last wednesday to this monday - a day that is when my kids are with their mother.

i had discussed the option of them either obfuscating or flat out lying about where they were going with me

---- Me ----

talked to the kids about a "cover" story for monday

suggested the political fundraiser idea

Son said

"i vote for the truth and when she starts to bitch, i tell her to ---- my ----. and when she whines about it afterwards, i battle her. i don't need to take her shit!"

I pointed out that Daughter has to live through this too, and might not be as comfortable as a battletoad

Daughter chimed in with this view

Son said "Then when she bitches at Daughter, I battle her again!"

Daughter said "but you're not always there, Son."

Son said "Then i battle her again, and make her life so miserable she never attacks you on it again, Daughter. And then i battle her again the next time. I don't care about what she says anymore. I view confrontations with her as more of a sport."

I left it with the two of them to work out how they felt. i will discuss it again to see what resolution might be gained.

---- Smitten ----

Wow, that is interesting.

It is good to hear that he is willing to stand up for the truth, even
knowing the consequences.
And in the end he is right - she will eventually stop her crap and just
have to accept life the way it is.
But there will be some pain along the way.
If everyone knows what the pain will be and is willing to work through it, making coping strategies and defences, then it is worth it. Well worth it actually.

Hmmm

From what you have told me, you have taught him to stand up to unfairness; to take a stand in a just cause that he believes in; to do the right thing even if it means hardship for awhile.
And now he is.

---- Me ----

> It is good to hear that he is willing to stand up for the truth, even
> knowing the consequences.
> And in the end he is right

yeah - he is right

i was trying to ease things for Daughter

i guess i'm not as strong as Son that way

lying and pirouettes worked for me to ease the immediate pain of most encounters in my life

> From what you have told me, you have taught him to stand up to
> unfairness; to take a stand in a just cause that he believes in; to do
> the right thing even if it means hardship for awhile.

he didn't model/learn it from me in my personal life and dealings

maybe in dealings with the school or outsiders, but not close to home

> And now he is.

yeah

self-confidence and surety will do that for a person

whether it's innate strength, or having been sheltered from being torn down by those you love

it's an interesting vector change to see Son do what he does

to not care what anyone says about him

even if it leaves him alone
(as he has discussed recently in relation to other kids and friends)

----

my Dad said to me

"You seem to be prepared to mix it up with your opponents in your student politics - at the drop of a hat - but don't seem to be able to to do that with [stbx-Mrs_C]. You seem to have some trouble standing up for yourself when it's in your personal life."

there is an irony to the source of that statement

----

but,

perhaps part of it is also protectiveness

perhaps he is protecting Daughter and I

maybe that's the behaviour he saw modeled

---- Smitten ----

> i was trying to ease things for Daughter

> >i guess i'm not as strong as Son that way


You are a natural protector - and that is strength. Of course you want to ease things for her - you are her father and you care. She is still a little girl who is influenced into doing things she doesn't want to do just because she is young, and that is unfair.

Perhaps some of your reflexes are that you know what it is like to be where she is, and no one protected you

Over this past year Son has learned not to fear the wrath of "mother". He is seeing her with adult eyes which is liberating. She does not have the power over him that she once had (nor over you) and he is freed from being a victim. He now has power and is relishing it (e.g. the comment about confrontation as a sport). I see this as a positive. He is fighting back and is on the other side of the pendulum where he may want to get a bit of revenge.

Is that wrong?

Maybe yes, maybe no... but to find his middle ground and understand his own boundaries, it has to be done. Either now or later.

Each victim must face their abuser and take back their personal power. How each person does it is different, and Son is doing what feels right for him.

Sounds like he wants to stop the bullshit and the lies and face things straight on. He is tired of her abuse and knows that tip toeing around it will not change it. He no doubt has tried different methods over this past year and has come to the conclusion that no matter what he does or how he does it will change her behaviour, so why should he try so hard? He may understand that to tolerate abuse and to let her manipulate the household is license to let it continue. And he does not want that.

And he knows he has you as mental and physical refuge. And that my dear is what is giving him his own strength to deal with his abuse and heal. You did not have that advantage.

As for you and your strength - it is a different path and process for you. You are also confronting people/things that you would have not done before. From what you have shared, the "lying and pirouettes" are not an automatic response for you anymore. (?)

---- Smitten ----

> it's an interesting vector change to see Son do what he does.
> >to not care what anyone says about him
> >even if it leaves him alone
> >(as he has discussed recently in relation to other kids and friends)

As you have said, he is a different kind of person. He has the abilities to make friends and conform to the norm but chooses not to. [a non-conformist coworker of Cadbury's] seems to be doing just fine.

> >but,
> >perhaps part of it is also protectiveness
> >perhaps he is protecting Daughter and I
> >maybe that's the behaviour he saw modeled

Perhaps. But he also saw that the protecting had a limit. It couldn't stop everything and someone always lost in the end (in this case you). Another guess is that he has already been as hurt as much as he can be. So what has he got to lose?

He has a trump card and wants to play it.
There is no better time to play it than on Monday when he can bring her arch enemy into it.

And another thought is that he has seen Daughter start to protect herself. He sees the strength building within her.

Overwhelmed, Shit, and Procrastination

Work is winding up. We have two major periods in the year and this is the bigger one. It is about 3 months long. The other one is in the fall.

We barely survived the one last fall - and it was only 2 weeks long. Now we were just a few weeks out of the election and 2 weeks after moving offices, but it was still a hell of a ride for those 2 weeks.

We have 5 more staff for this sitting, but we have a much longer period to cover, and a lot more going on than last fall.

The demands have been ratcheted way up in terms of tech work. I no longer even do much communications and writing - little strategy. I hate being the guy who just plugs stuff in and fixes peoples "my computer won't work" bullshit problems.

It's not what i signed on for - i hate being relegated here, but i'm the only one who can do what i do. not quite true, but the other guy who knows what to do on tech is the only one that knows all the rules of the house and is in charge of that element of the office - he's the staff quarterback for the next 3 months.

I am trying to find my happy place doing what i'm doing.

I have been given one piece of research, but it has been left languishing while i solve the inevitable every day computer/network crisis.

It doesn't help that the client group are for the most part full-on egomaniacs. I suppose that's what you have to be to put yourself out for that much public judgement. This group is worse than most. They may be my team, but they're mostly assholes (2/3 anyway). I've been around this type of folks for my whole life, but this group is the most self-absorbed i've ever seen.

by next time around (4 years from now) i hope to *ease* a bunch of them into retirement from this life - by challenges if nothing else works...

----

i have way to much to do at work

----

i have little mindspace left. i read your blogs BTW - i just have nothing in me to comment. i apologise. even less to post here.

in fact i am just posting right now out of guilt, and to avoid doing my next task. i feel like it will never end and have begun avoiding stuff i'm supposed to do.

it's a bad character trait of mine when i am drowning in shit/overwhelmed

slough until the deadline becomes almost impossible to avoid

i've tried to shake it over the years and have gotten better, but it still rears its head sometimes

it's weird though - i have had more on my plate at various times and have taken care of it handily and with good humour

but sometimes i just suck

like now

----

it's one of those things that Smitten keeps telling me

don't agree to do anything you don't want to do. don't allow people to make you feel obligated until you finally give in and do something

----

i have a bunch of stuff to do for a couple of weeks from now for my daughter's ethnic dance group. big festival coming up

i am/have been sloughing a job i should do (volunteer co-ordination)

it will cause problems

i'm aiming to finish the job by late this afternoon/early evening

as usual, i am good at what i do, and should be able to pull the fat out of the fire. but maybe not this time...?

----

i haven't been sleeping well over the last couple of months

the snoring

headaches, muscle problems, fibromyalgia flare-ups

winter sucks too

sucks my soul and my spirit

----

i have little enthusiasm for anything

----

as you know, daughter has been coming over to my place for her weeks with me

stbx has been trying to interpose herself in this.

stbx has been proposing different arrangements to the kids. month on/month off. daughter a week with her and son with me, then switch - so we'd always have a kid with each of us - both kids have rejected that option from the get go.

stbx doesn't want to ever be alone...

stbx has been trying to get me to talk to her. i have been putting her off now that i am aware again of her latest tactics.

i know that some of you (like Sicilian and Smitten) have warned me in the past about allowing myself to be sucked in by her and her methods to get me trapped in discussions - but i am a trusting fool. I also start with the belief that people are sincere - and easily forget and forgive/let go when crossed (how i survive my profession/employment i don't know. Smitten says i willingly self-delude. that as a hopeless romantic and true believer in a better world, that i am unwilling to see the ugly parts of the world around me...

[now it's 2 hours or so after i started this post - i got called out to troubleshoot some systems]

which is strange because i have to wrestle in the muck in a really sordid way every single day in my job function - i'm the [or was - and i guess still am] the opposition research guy. it's my job to be cynical and ugly).

anyway - it always takes me off guard every time she finds a new way to suck me into conversations. i never quite wise up to it until a few conversations in...

i'd like to think that now i will be able to avoid stuff for awhile because i have re-concluded that i will have nothing to do with her for any reason except for "i will drop them off here or there" or "is [son/daughter] there?" on the phone.

----

daughter has been going straight to my apartment after school. sometimes a short stop at the house on the way. she is trying to avoid the stbx. last night they went to the house to watch a movie with son's friend who is still living there...

they said there was something really weird in the stbx's behaviour that freaked them both out. they said she was nicer than usual but there was something really weird they didn't like. they didn't want her around them and her presence caused them serious distress

i asked them about it for some period of time (40 min) in an effort to help tham understand what they were feeling, but didn't make much headway. they were active participants in the emotional examination, because they were trying to figure it out too. but we couldn't. hopefully this doesn't mean she is going to go all murder/suicide on them...

----

i have been headhunted for a job. i am in informal discussions with the folks. it would pay about 30K a year more than i make now. it would be for a one year term, with success based extension possible. it is executive director of a high tech industry association.

i talked to my boss about getting a year's leave of absence from my job and he said he would do it (we [staff] are all watching out for each other's backs as we got through the transition to our new station in life as on office. the client group is a little, um, fickle. we watch out for each other...

----

i need to go home now because now it's hometime

Sweetened Coconut

When we were still co-habitating my stbx would go through these periods of sugar craving. I've talked about it before. She would need alcohol, sweets - chocolate, candy, cookies, sweet fruit bars - whatever.

Sometimes she would desire her drink so bad she would scour the cupboards for whatever she could find. She just had to have one. Because I didn't like her drinking, I wouldn't keep us stocked with any alcohol. There would be a couple of bottles with something in them - Bristol Cream Sherry (for cooking), sometimes that sauterne cooking wine from the food sections, a bottle of home brew her Dad gave me (serious white lightning) - that sort of thing. Nothing that was really a drink you can enjoy.

She would need her drink and she would finally pull out one of those and have a shot. And then bitch at me when I got home that there was nothing to drink or that what she had chosen sucked (the implication being that it was my fault she was not well served). often she would pour herself this drink while she was on her friday off (every two weeks earned day off) and in the middle of a cleaning frenzy. She would announce that she deserved a drink. I have always hated the deserve a drink thing. You either want one or not. It is not a reward or an entitlement. That sort of attitude - deserving a drink - strikes me as someone with a drinking problem.

Did I mention she would never buy alcohol herself? She did a couple of times in the 20 years when we were going to someones place, but otherwise I would be dispatched to buy any booze. Not her.

With sweets she would scour for anything that would fulfill her need. My raisins (cooking) were never safe. Not dates, not dried fruit, not anything. Not even nuts. Hell, she'd even drink the juiceboxes and fruitbars I would buy for the kids' school lunches. Then I'd be short of juiceboxes or have to make an extra unplanned trip to the store to get new ones. That really made me mad - we had a couple of fights about juiceboxes. I figured she could at least be considerate enough to leave me enough for lunches. i would compensate by buying a swack of juiceboxes (then i'd get bitched at because they took up too much room in the pantry...).

Lots of times she would whine or otherwise inveigle me to go out at midnight to the corner store and buy something for her sweet craving.

The kids tell me that things haven't changed and that she still will score their stuff that they have bought for themselves and just eat it. Or that they will beg her to buy something for them - they will have one or two (like twizzlers) and then in the morning or the next day they will discover she has eaten the whole package.

The stbx would either whimper and whine or bag at me when there were no sweets in the house and she had a craving. To be nice to her I tried to make sure we were usually stocked. Then she would rip into me - especially after she gained some weight - that by buying these sweets I was making her fat. That I was to blame. I pointed out she could choose not to eat them. Her response was that I knew she had no self-control when sweets were in the house. I got sick of it and less inclined to buy them for her as things degenerated in our relationship.

Several times she ordered me to not buy anymore sweets because of her weight gain. Then she would get mad "I know I told you not to buy any, but that was then. I want some now."

I actually took a little pleasure in saying no. I told her if she wanted any she could put on her shoes and go buy them herself when she'd try to get me to go for a midnight run. Yeah - she'd do anything to avoid having to go get it herself. Even on shpping trips i would actually have take the stuff she wanted off the shelf and put it in the cart. She just couldn't admit to herself that she wanted/needed it.

Yeah - she would do anything. She'd raid the fridge for leftover rice and the closet for my raisins and make pseudo rice pudding with milk and sugar in the microwave.

There was lots of times she could have made something, but it would have taken time. And when she had a craving she wanted it now. Right now.

One time she had nothing that could be substituted. So she started searching the freezer and finally found a bag of six-month old sweetened coconut (from christmas baking). She pulled it out and started eating that.

----

As a side note, the above behaviour is consistent with addictive personalities and their behaviour. Especially being prepared to take any kind of poor substitute for their need...

----

She called me at work today.

She had gotten the letter from my lawyer about not talking to the kids about suicide or abandoning them.

She was oh so apologetic.

She started telling me how tough she had it and how she knew she made mistakes and blah, blah, blah. That her life was in a shambles since I left and she had no control over her emotion and this and that.

I told her she needed to stop feeling sorry for herself and to start acting like an adult. That it was wrong that she would put the kids in a situation where they would have to call me because they were frightened.

She agreed but then headed off on the difficulties she was having with Son.

He constantly confronts her about her bullshit. Daughter has started doing so as well. stbx is bizarrely erratic and the kids call her on it. In that way they are taking stand where i didn't. I would always try to find some accommodation for whatever. The kids don't. Daughter said to me "I'm just not as nice as you, Dad." Son said "You always try to make things better and worry about other peoples' feelings. I just don't care. If someone is pulling some kind of mass faggotry I call bullshit!" (he's 16...)

Anyway, I was trying to reasonably work through some of the things she was saying about son and her problems. I was trying to make life less difficult for the both of them.

This ended up taking about 45 minutes...

I eventually ended the call because it was really going no-where.

When i got off the call I was in fine spirits and was actually kind of pleased that i had said some of the things i had said. i knew it had gone on a little long, but that is just an automatic by-product of dealing with her, so i didn't think much of it.

I was talking to Smitten on the phone later in the afternoon. I talked to her about some of the conversation, and how it had gone. that i was ok with it all - it hadn't rattled me like most stbx conversations do.

She said that it was positive for me personally that i had said the things that i did, but that she was sorry to say the extended conversation probably fed into the stbx's wants and needs.

i was all "huh?"

Smitten pointed out that the fact that she could keep me engaged and interested in talking to her for that long would have just fed into her needs cycle. that she knew she had been caught out on a major no-no with the lawyers and she was scouting out how i would react. that she was making sure i was still in exactly the place she wanted me - still willing to talk.

that because i was probably the only person in the stbx's whole life who took the time to listen to her and be truly interested in her, that the stbx got plenty of the warm fuzzies she needed from me. and that by keeping me talking she was feeding a need for warm fuzzies that i provide.

that set of statements hit me like a ton of bricks.

because it's true.

and i knew it immediately.

Smitten heard in my voice that i was a little rocked and said "I'm sorry to say these things, but I'm saying them from a professional observant standpoint, not as a girlfriend"

stbx isn't getting it from the guys at work, her family, or boyfriend bob.

she knew from past experience that she couldn't get me to engage on any other issues. only the kids. so that's where she went.

i will quote fromMonday, June 18, 2007 thoughts on garage conversations

i've been trying to figure out why stbx-Mrs_C would still drag me into the garage for those goddamned conversations even though i told her they were killing our marriage and our relationship.

i remember when i told her that in extremely strenuous tones she said (from really fast post, May 12, 2006:

another thing she said the other day - she said: "even though things have been really bad i have felt more connected these last three weeks on an emotional level than i have in years because of the emotional outpouring during our discussions."

then she said:

"i'm almost like a bad kid looking for attention. i'm deliberately provoking clashes because of the intensity of emotion that swirls around them."

that book i got - Surviving A Borderline Parent - talks about people with stbx-Mrs_C's behavioural characteristics. One of the things it talks about is the fact that they cannot generate enough feelings of self-worth within themselves. They rely on others for their feelings of emotional self-worth.

today's conversation?

6 month old sweetened coconut from the freezer

an addict in search of a hit. willing to take any substitute, no matter how poor a substitute it may be

222

that was my weight after working out yesterday

when i started the workout i was 223.1 lbs

yeah - i got back up to about 232-235 from august through christmas. the lead-up to the election. shit in my personal life. slowly stopping regular exercise. the election. the hell that followed losing. thanksgiving and christmas - and all that eating.

i started working out every day since just after christmas. i have gotten a little tighter on what food i am eating.



the beast (AMT) pictured above on this page is my new friend. previously i was in love with the elliptical trainer, but have since discarded that machine as my primary object of desire.

i work out for a minimum of a half an hour every day except thursday (dance lesson night) - even then sometimes i will go work out. i do 300-600 calories (as machine measured) minimum and most of the time do 900 calories a day. i have got myself to the point where i have a comfortable manner of exercising on my home elliptical as well and use it for the days i don't make it to the gym. i am even able to keep discipline when the kids are at my place.



i always liked the non-cross trainer elliptical (without the cross-country ski poles). the motion with the poles/handles just wasn't natural for me.



on the new machine above - the AMT - i like using the poles. i dislike not using them. this is different for me.

i am able to eat a little less paranoiacally. that is a good thing. i can enjoy wine a little more often. and i still lose weight. not as fast as the hard core vegetable and fibre diet originally took me down, but roughly 10 lbs in 5 weeks is nothing to sneeze at.

i was pretty dejected about gaining that much weight after the hard fought battle to get down to about 210. it irritated me when i mentioned my weight gain to my daughter this last fall and she told me that her mother had observed and commented on it - not in a pleasant way - a sneering and denigrating way - you will recall the battles stbx and i had over my diet and exercise when we were still together.

i was pretty dejected during january after restarting exercise and didn't think i was getting anywhere. each weigh in would show no change - until i stopped weighing in some two weeks ago i was worried i was getting fat again. becoming my (self-perceived) unattractive former self. and then poof - yesterday i weighed myself - it was in the afternoon and i had eaten very little during the day instead of being an after supper workout and weigh-in - so thught maybe i'd show a lb or two.

i would describe to you the body loathing i felt, but having known many of you for awhile, i suspect there is enough understanding of that feeling. nothing fit right - i hated looking in the mirror because it would remind me that i had let myself slide towards the loathsome physical being i had previously.

i'm still not very confident body or looks wise (i am only now beginning to believe that maybe Smitten does actually find me attractive).

it was smitten who first made me feel better about myself in this cycle. i was just telling her about the new machine - it's been at the gym for about 6 months and i have slowly drifted toward it. i was talking about how much i hated the poles before but loved them now on the new machine - about how good the motion felt in a body sense. she commented that she could tell because my upper abdomen and pectorals were a different shape - that she knew i was doing something different in my exercise. that made me feel better that something was working (but also a little paranoid that she is "watching me" - i know not in the critical stbx-mrs_c sense, but i'm still freaky from that life)

going every day was a hard grind - and still is to an extent. i am having to adjust my ideas about how my exercise will work - i used to consider the runner's high i would get at around 1hr 10 min to be a big part of the payoff. now i just go. it is all discipline and i only get my "fix" every 3rd day or so when i actually have the full hour hour and a half to commit to a full session (900 calories).

Smitten tells me she admires my dedication to exercising very much. she has begun a personal exercise program herself recently. she says i inspired her.

it's cool to have her able to do it. when i met her she would not have been physically capable of doing the exercise regime she has begun.

when i met her, her SI (sacroiliac joint [SI joint]) was constantly out. she was rarely in for more than a few hours. she was in constant pain. through massage (mine and my RMT). through the physio my RMT refered her to. through the rehab exercises the physio people provided. and through more massage - she is now at the point where she is staying in for a couple of weeks at a time - and we can put her back in through stretches or massage/manipulation. there was period where she was at the chiropractor every day - sometime more than once a day.

now she hasn't seen him for a month - and that was for a stiff neck - not her SI

the acupressure and the "golf ball treatment" i introduced her to (lying/sitting on golf balls to do acupressure) keep her muscles from going over the edge. she always thought it was a bone/spinal thing but we have since worked it through and she now realises it was her muscles spasming that were throwing out the bones.

i am so happy she is better now. it's been a long grind. if there was any payoff for all the pain i endured and all the things i had to learn about muscles and their spasms - it would be the gradual healing of Smitten.

-----

well, that got a little off topic

anyway - i am exercising and losing weight

i love the new machine

i look forward to being able to show off my re-toned abdomen when i am back down to 210. so in april or so - watch out.

cleaning the place

i've been cleaning the apartment since daughter came back. there's little piles of stuff here and there. son's room - the room they have to share (bunkbeds) needed to be re-ordered and have things moved out. i've been throwing out stuff that has accumulated in the last year since son and i became bachelor roommates rather than a family - since daughter went away.

but now that she's back

got to make it "nice". yes - that's my soon to be ex-wife you hear screaming out in that statement. the permanent imprint of her views about what women like has not gone away.

last year sometime - before she left - daughter made a comment about the state of the grouting in my shower. it's 30 year old grout. it's a little yellow. it's not my place - i only ever expected to be there a few months - it's now a year and a half later (that's part of the stbx's design - keep me out of decent accommodations so the kids will think my place sucks and not want to go there. she said it to me and has skirted that statement in arguments with the kids (when they were arguing with her that she should settle with me). she would say things like "why should i help him out?", "if he decided that he didn't want to live in a house anymore and be a family, why should i help him have one", "why shouldn't he feel the pain of the break-up of this family? why should it be all easy for him?", and "why should i give him any of my money? i've already given him enough over the years").

daughter didn't like the apartment. i think. i only know what son said - and the stbx - but i don't trust her. i know that the stbx fed daughter lots of lines and worked her hard on all the negatives about the place, and i know that she probed for everything she could find to make daughter not want to stay there. so when i am reacting the stbx - i am indeed reacting to the stbx - as given voice through my daughter.

i hadn't even thought of it until last night when talking to Smitten who suggested that going back to the counselor might be a good idea. she said that i might need to talk out some issues around the move back in that i may need more freedom in saying than i might have in talking to her (she is a wonderful resource - i try to avoid using her as a counselor, but it's kind of an occupational hazard...). she did not want to dissuade me from talking to her, and said it was not her intention to send me elsewhere - but that there were probably issues that would need to be addressed - like the loss of bachelor status and becoming a Dad again - like the anger that is still so present - that is popping up because of daughter being there. the stories that daughter tells, the feelings she has, the things she talks about - all of it is triggering anger - focused around the stbx. Smitten does not want to go - and i don't go there much - in discussion of some of the issues that surround the stbx and our relationship. she rightly doesn't want to be party to some of the details.

Smitten also suggested a couple of practitioners in town that deal with anger issues and the release of long term anger and suppressed/contained violent impulses.

I am so sick of being angry at the stbx. what a fucking waste of time. i am sick of all the triggers, i'm sick of even thinking about her. i am sick of the influence she still has on my life. it's like a bad smell in your house that just won't go away.

anyway

so, i'm cleaning up my place and making it nicer. i have talked to the kids about it - especially son - and told them that things are different now that we are a family unit and not just two bachelor guys hanging out. that there is a different standard that needs to be attained.

son and i have talked about making the place better before, but it's so easy to slough. if you have food, access to the computers. the bathroom is half-assed clean... and you are oblivious to other stuff, or it just doesn't impact your consciousness. well...

i would clean up when Smitten came over. I would try to keep things up. but son is a walking disaster zone. i'm somewhat better. but son can trash a place in a matter of a couple of days (it takes me a few weeks on non-effort). glasses and dishes everywhere. socks left lying around. clothes dropped wherever.

i try to avoid bitching too much. i don't want to be on the boy's case too much. i hate receiving it and hate giving it.

i have thrown things out. bought some new containers and such. put all the laundry away (it was done but in baskets). i have cleared various surfaces. bought a shredder to shred the inevitable pile of credit card and other receipts and things.

oh - and the grout? it's pretty much white. i used terminally toxic chemicals over a 2 week period to bleach the ass off it. i don't like using harsh chemicals any time, but daughter coming back trumped my toxic chemical unhappiness.

i scrubbed walls and used harsh cleaners on them too.

i bought new sheets and pillow slips.

blah, blah, blah

----

i'm buying daughter more clothes. she said she was going to bring over the clothes that i bought her previously. the idea is to have a supply of clothes at my place so that there is no suitcase lugging. they just walk out the door with their schoolbags and they're a go.

son has a big pile of clothes at my place. until i actually had them all washed and put away, i had no idea of how many clothes i had bought him. when he told me he didn't need any more - he was right...

i bought daughter her own bath sheet. each of us has one. i had one - got one for Smitten (last year). Son saw it, wanted to use it. I said no. Bought him one so that he wouldn't feel put out. Daughter didn't have one (as she hasn't been a permanent fixture), so we went out and bought her one now.

daughter is a little pickier than son on clothes. she wants it all to be a certain style and way. son is a little less picky - not uncaring, but more prepared to say "yeah. ok. let's not shop and go eat" or things in that line.

daughter needs to have a wardrobe that is a style statement.

so

whatever

i'll shop for clothes with her.

she'll have clothes at my place.

and the place will be clean(er).

not a bribe...

on friday i picked son and daughter up at the house.

they came barreling out like they often do when they are leaving with me for any period of time. they are always running to my vehicle like it's their getaway car idling outside the bank.

they pile in and are all "she's nuts. let's get out of here." or similar comments. their mom always goes weird in the moments as they are leaving.

you will recall my discussions about the stbx's bizarre and desperate attempts to intervene and stop me from going exercising, or from taking a break from a gazillion hour discussion in the garage, or even leaving for work on days when she had some "abandonment" vibe going on.

well it's the same thing with the kids heading out the door. their mother was hot and cold, angry and weepy and sarcastic and "supportive", all within seconds of each other for the whole period until i got there to pick the kids up. in the few minutes before they left she was all mad at daughter - and son by extension. you see, i drive up and give a tiny tap on the horn to let them know i am there. i do not like to go into the house or even to the door because the stbx has made that a seriously hostile zone. sometimes she would answer the door and start spazzing on me. if i'm in my vehicle i have an additional layer of armor for her to have to get through. even if there have been times she has come out and started bagging at me through the window - even yelling down the driveway as i'm pulling out (with the kids in the back seat... or not [sometimes - she usually likes an audience for her displays]). also it's colder than hell in the frozen wasteland and i don't feel like getting out of my vehicle if i don't have to. i also hate standing around and waiting, and my kids are inevitably delayed or slow.

this time daughter told me her mom was "fine. leave. go." all cold and rejecting and harsh. and then in the seconds before daughter was going out the door, she goes all weepy and starts crying and says "aren't you even going to give me a hug?" and opens her arms. emotional instability, guilt, leash jerking, and getting even a few seconds more of control over the situation by using the other person's feelings and common decency against them.

[brother-in-law once told me (in the 2 weeks after i left the house) that all you have to do is just ignore their (his wife [stbx's sister], and the stbx, and the other sisters, and the mother-in-law) antics and do whatever you want. i told him that's not how i wanted to live my life, and that did not match my view of how marriages or relationships were supposed to work. he said "then i can see how you let her do it to you"]

that's why the kids fly out of their mother's house like they are running in a prison break.

we pulled away. i quizzed them on whether they were hungry on an immediate basis and they said no. i drove to my first destination - a gaming store. as we arrived son saw where i had parked and said "Hey [daughter], I think I see a bribe in your immediate future."

I explained that this was not a bribe.

I have bribed in the past. I usually declare bribes openly. It makes life easier if I ever need to discuss the implicit understandings of a bribe/quid-pro-quo openly - if the bribe and the nature of the understanding are explicit - then there can be no hidden hurt feelings and less potential for misunderstanding. I have bought books and clothes and other stuff in the past as bribes. I have covered for their mistakes and undone deeds as well. I have described them openly as bribes or "cheesy attempts to gain favour and/or advance my personal agenda." I am thoroughly consistent.

I explain my agendas and intentions and even my tactics in detail to people i am attempting to influence or manipulate. Often including the descriptor "I am attempting to manipulate you with the following intent and projected outcome". Even in my job when i am supposed to be "spinning" the media, i just tell them the spin and it's intent - it is a source of much amusement. i am however, always taken seriously, and nobody particularly mistakes what i say for bullshit. I haven't the time, energy, or inclination to try to be subtle about anything - polite - sensitive - perhaps a little overexplained - but never subtle. I usually get my way (i have usually predicted/anticipated the needs of the other person and melded that into my plan/agenda already), and no one - except for the stbx - has ever accused me of being furtive or devious. My openness was a significant disadvantage in dealing with the stbx... she always knew where i was coming from and where i was going.

the gaming store stop was not a bribe.

we went inside and i told the kids we were getting a factory refurbished PS2 (cheaper) and some used games. you see at christmas time when we were searching for stuff for my nephews i had realised how cheap all the PS2 games were. i eventually ended up paying full price (mutter, mutter) for a PS3 game because my brother had bought them a PS3 for christmas (i found out when i went to confirm whether they had the PS2 game i was going to buy). i tried to buy my brother's old PS2 from him, but he wasn't prepared to give up his investment base in the PS2 at that point.

i had decided then, a month earlier that i would buy a PS2. i explained to the kids that i had chosen to get it that day because daughter had made the choice to come back, and that one of her previous complaints was that it was boring at the apartment and she had nothing to do - son had his computer, but daughter had nothing but TV and books - options that were less than at the house. i explained that i desired to make the place more friendly and accommodating to her renewed residence at the apartment. and that by buying an older system, the overall cost of ownership (especially the games - $5-$10-$15 instead of $40-$50-$60-$70) would be lower than buying a new system (their desire) - and if they didn't like it they could lump it.

they accepted that explanation. or seemed to. the PS2 was declared "not a bribe" and it was so.

after a short stop at my parents and at a bookstore near their place we proceeded to the all-you-can-eat sushi place. i told them that this stop was half bribe/half celebration. they wanted to know how it was bribing. i explained that by going to interesting places to eat instead of the rather mundane/standard cuisine of their mother's choice, that i hoped that time spent in my company would be perceived as more exciting and would offer the possibility of more new experiences instead of the litany of same-old, same-old that their mother offered (one of their complaints about her, her family, and boyfriend bob).

i went on to explain how it was an example of good political positioning. by playing to natural strengths (my positives) and their complaints (negatives) about the "opposition" - i was reinforcing their desire to spend time with me. they laughed. i then went on to give examples of such positioning in the last local election and of how that was playing out in the various primaries occurring now in the U.S.

daughter told me that her mother had said to her "Oh, and I was going to take you for sushi for your birthday. He stole my idea." (yes - really - a quote) at the moment that stbx found out that I was taking daughter out for sushi (discussed in been walkabout) to celebrate her birthday a couple of weeks previous. both kids noted that their mother has refused to make (or allow to be cooked at her house) fish other than batter covered highliner out of the box stuff in the last year and a half since i left. they called bullshit. they also noted that their mother has never discussed sushi except after one of the times i took them and she had disparaging things to say about fish and fish smell.

for the record - except for the eel - sushi and sashimi don't smell. now, the stbx has an almost magical sense of smell (yes - that good), so maybe things are different for her.

(there are people who genetically have a way superior sense of smell. it is theorized that having this ability in small numbers of the total population would be advantageous in a hunter-gatherer survival sense because these people would be able to smell spoilage and such - sort of an early warning system)

anyway - we finished supper, went home and set up the new PS2. only one game out of five worked...

we exchanged the console the next day for a new one.

and it still wasn't a bribe.

daughter's home

this last friday from 3:30pm until about 5pm was perhaps one of the worst periods of my life. maybe an exaggeration, but it was pretty bad either way.

you see, son had called me to tell me that he was going to be hanging out at his mom's place after school - last friday was switchover day between the houses. he wanted to play some game on his mom's computer that the computer's at my place won't run (not new enough). so he wasn't going to go straight to my place after school (he no longer has to pack anything because i have bought him enough clothes and stuff that he is fully equipped at both places).

i asked him whether his sister was ready. he said no - she was out with her mom. he didn't think she was going to be coming over on friday - maybe on saturday. i was flattened. rugged yanked out. in a daze. sick to my stomach (almost puked).

all of those things.

i had built myself up that daughter was really coming back. that she would really be starting to live with me half time again. it's been a long year without her. the couple of weekends and holidays and the sunday morning brunches and stuff just haven't nourished my soul enough.

[flashback]
Daughter spent time at my place over christmas. she spent another weekend at the beginning of january. with her mom fighting it all the way.

daughter had said that she would be coming back. she was supposed to be back two weeks ago, but her mom had allowed her to have a big birthday sleepover, and daughter said she needed to be there to clean and make the place ready or her mom would freak on her (sound familiar?).

daughter was supposed to come over for just the weekend nights and then spend the weekdays at her mom's that week - but mom put the kibosh on that plan by freaking out, laying out heavy bribes, and promoting another sleepover with one of daughter's friends. daughter chose that. pain avoidance and a sleepover. i was disappointed, but lived through it. daughter said that as soon as the birthday was done she would come to stay - that she just didn't want to do anything that would mess up her birthday party - not just making her mom cancel it, but recognising that her mom acting like a stormcloud would ruin her birthday as well - daughter is smart enough about her mom to know that her mother can ruin a day in any number of ways.

on thursday night i phoned over to the house to ask daughter if everything was on track for friday.

the stbx answered. she said "[daughter]'s busy right now. i'll have her call you."

daughter called back a little bit later. i asked daughter if she was free to talk. she said "just a minute, i'll take it on the upstairs phone."

she told me that she had just told her mother that she was for sure staying at my place for the next week. her mother had a complete meltdown all over daughter. said that it was "short notice" and that daughter was "springing this on her" and that it was rude to do tell her just the day before (daughter later remembered that she had told her mother on monday as well).

daughter began to cry on the phone. she wept "i don't know what to do". i told her i wished i was there to hold her. that i knew it must be terribly hard for her, and that i was sorry that she had to be in such a position, and that i would support her no matter what her decision was. and that even if it wouldn't be a good idea to give in to her mother because it would just encourage the freak-outs, that i would understand if she wanted to avoid the short-term pain and decided to split the difference and stay less days at my place. that i didn't want to put any pressure on her - that i knew that was impossible because even discussing the topic of where she would stay was putting pressure on her - but that i wanted it to be as little as possible and as free from recrimination and upset or making daughter feel bad as i could possibly make it.

i kept repeating that whatever her decision was, i would support it. that even if we had to saw off things now to avoid pain, and that even if it made it more drawn out, that i understood that there was only so much that daughter could take - and that sometimes longer drawn out pain is more tolerable than overwhelming short term incidents.

i told daughter i loved her and that i would support her and continue to love her and do whatever i could for her whatever she decided.

we ended the call and it seemed she would still be coming over on friday - but it was still up in the air a little
[/flashback]

back to friday. no matter what the conversation above, it was still a terrible blow to think that she wasn't coming. that the stbx had done it AGAIN. that by freaking out and being an asshole and playing all the emotional games - the anger, the guilt, the crying, the bribes, the everything - stbx had gotten her way - one more time. it was a blow that i wouldn't have my girl back. to just hang out together.

you see daughter and i have done plenty of "dates"

that is what Smitten described them as. she talked about the divorced men she would see (both in a professional psychologist sense and just in her world) who would get their kids for visitation. Dad time was play time. there was no parenting time. no hanging out time. it was a party a minute when it was Dad time because Dad's would be trying to make it the best "quality" time they could.

and Smitten was right. daughter would dress up to impress me. i would try to be shaved and presentable. i would dress in "hip" and fashionable clothes to make her think i was cool. i would make sure i had new music and cool music to share with her. we would do fun - frankly - "date like" things.

Smitten was not criticising - she was observing. she was putting up a warning flag. both for our relationship, and for daughter's developmental progress. daughter associating men and positive male contact with strictly "dating" and "dating scenarios" could put undo expectations on future men in her life. it could warp normal views and relations with men - yes, there is documentation for such conclusions in various journals and publications.

yeah - that's one of the drawbacks to being half-assed self-aware and of dating a psychologist. you have to think about shit like this.

on friday daughter called me as i was leaving work. she told me she was in fact coming to stay for the week.

i was deliriously happy. i was still wrenched at a gut level - the emotion hadn't left me yet. i called Smitten on the way home to tell her how things had worked out (she had called at about 4:30 on her way home). i was able to get past a decent bit of the way i was feeling by the time i picked the kids up.

i was so very happy to have my daughter home.

laundry tips for guys

you know how when you're folding clothes, you sometimes give them a bit of a whip/crack downward to get the wrinkles out?

if you are doing that with an item with a buckle on it - while wearing pajamas

watch that buckle doesn't nail you in the 'nads

you're welcome

i'm tired

i have been working our pretty much every day for the last month

i'm tired

i have been snoring more

this is keeping Smitten awake when we sleep together. i have told her to wake me and get me to change positions. she does, but i become paranoid that i will snore and don't sleep well.

i think i just need to sleep more than my usual 6 hours. i think that all the exercise demands it.

yeah - i know it's not very exciting as posts go, but i'm tired and uninspired.

my alternative post for today was about the all you can eat sushi place we went to yesterday...

Pulitzer here i come!

maybe i won't suck at posting tomorrow

some good things about my new life

in no particular order:

1) i went to upstate new york on a wine tour last fall
2) i have a woman in my life that loves me
3) i love her
4) she wants to have sex with me
5) constantly
6) she says that this was never part of her life before - she had written off sexuality as being an "also ran" until she met me
7) she has discovered she is multi-multi-orgasmic
8) she thinks i am physically sexy
9) she thinks i am emotionally, mentally, and personality sexy
10) she tells her friends the above as well (and they tease me about it) so it is probably all true (it all appears to be true from my vantage point - but my capacity for self delusion has been substantial in the past)
11) i am in the best shape of my life (even if not completely healthy yet)
12) i am telling people to "get stuffed" pretty regularly
13) they are taking it
14) we had a christmas party with more than just family
15) people actually came to this year's christmas party
13) they are still raving about how great it was - unsolicited
14) my girlfriend didn't wear underwear at the party - just garters and stockings under her little black dress
15) i make more money than i ever have in the past
16) i feel stronger and more confident than ever before
17) i have been to a bunch of really cool concerts this year
18) more concerts in the last 18 months than in the last 20 years
19) i travel to other cities to see concerts
20) i (we) go away for the weekend on whim
21) i seem to be able to balance my personal budget without oversight and seem to have more money left over at the end than before
22) i seem to be able to get marginally ahead, pay down debt, and do the cool things i want to do
23) i get to pick out my own clothes
24) i am considered fashionable, even by the younger hotties around that use me as an example of how you can be in your 40s and not be a schlep
(did you know that schlep is actually in the firefox built in dictionary? i didn't even have to add it to my personal.dic [personal.dic always kills me for completely adolescent reasons - my guess is that it is another computer guy with the same sense of humour that first coined that filename])
25) i get to buy all the music i want
26) a large cross section of young people in my life think my taste in music is really cool (and want to go through my collection for their own [of course i am not talking about copying here - that would be illegal])
27) my kids and their friends think i am cool - and say so - except when they tell me i'm lame - well - that my jokes are lame
28) i'm not really trying to be cool - i'm just engaging in life with a relatively "fuck you, i'll do what i want" attitude - and it turns out to be apparently cool - not that i would change if it wasn't, because i was ok with not being cool too - it's just the validation is nice
29) i am getter better at being a dancer
(the down side is that the instructors [it's a club/society so they are in it for the love of dance, not money - volunteers] are paying extra attention to me and i am getting a little extra defensive - even if they are telling me it's because they see aptitude. Smitten is already a dancer so learning the moves and stuff is way easier for her. she is also used to the whole instructor critique thing. i'm just defensive about criticism - i'm trying, i'm doing well, leave me alone - let me practice and get more comfortable before you put the demand on me to get better - it's all way out of my comfort zone - but i am persisting)
30) i have been invited to social events
31) my daughter is looking like she'll be coming back soon

clock battery back-up

yeah

called the house today

last day for my son to get an assignment in that will make or break his mark in this particular class - it will also be one of the marks that will make or break his ability to get into a special multimedia program after high school.

he's not with me. he's at the stbx's house. i still have to get him out of bed. i don't do it as much this year after i drew the line in the sand with him and the stbx. but occasionally.

like today.

today i actually had to wake all of them up. it seems there was a power failure last night. i'm told two of them. seems the stbx doesn't have a battery in the clock radio anymore. she used it for something else.

just like she used to do before i left. just like she used to do with the smoke detector and the carbon monoxide alarm.

except i'm not there to give a shit anymore. so she's late for work, and son makes me 45 minutes late for work because he's way behind.

what an asshat. both of them. i'm really not the most anal retentive person in the world - even if it sounds like it sometimes - but i do know a few things. one is that it's really important to have fresh batteries in the detectors and the clocks.

oh,

and that it's important to dig out snow pants on a day when it's fucking minus fifty-one degrees. even for a boy who's sixteen. because he's too much of an asshole to think of it himself or even to dig them out himself. because he waits for the bus outside, sometimes for up to 15 minutes - which, at fucking minus fifty-one degrees, is a really long time.

but then i discover this morning, the stbx thought it was really weird that i should phone her last night and ask her to get out snow pants for both children, and to make sure they had scarves to cover their faces against the wind.

when son suggested i was a caring father, she repeated that she thought it was weird - especially related to my sixteen year old son. son pints out that she does lots of things pre-emptively as a concerned parent. she says "that's because i'm your mother". son asks her if only mothers are allowed to perform caring acts.

she says "well, he never did before. i think he's just doing this to make a point to me - to suggest i'm not a good parent." son tells her she's full of shit. she pouts.

----

son's bedroom is being painted. for the last month or more... son has been sleeping on the couch. son wants to go to bed at 9pm because he is tired (son wanting to sleep before fucking midnight is a rare thing and should be encouraged). wife and son's friend (who is still living there) won't get off the couch from watching TV for 2 hours. son plays computer games because stbx won't let him sleep on the upstairs couch.

son is tired as a dog in the morning

----

fuck

been walkabout

"Walkabout is an Australian pidgin (or perhaps quasi-pidgin) term referring to the belief that Australian Aborigines "go walkabout" at the age of thirteen in the wilderness for six months as a rite of passage. They then trace the path of the ceremonial ancestors of their tribe, following the exact route that those ancestors took, and imitating in a fashion, their heroic deeds. These paths are known as the Songlines." - wikipedia

----

"Songlines are an ancient cultural concept, meme and motif perpetuated through oral lore and singing and other storytelling modalites such as dance and painting. Songlines are an intricate series of song cycles that identify landmarks and subtle tracking mechanisms for navigation. These songs often evoke how the features of the land were created and named during the Dreaming. The Dreaming Spirits as they travelled across the Earth, created and named trees, rocks, waterholes, animals and other natural phenomena. Molyneaux & Vitebsky (2000, p.30) augment further: the Dreaming Spirits "...also deposited the spirits of unborn children and determined the forms of human society." Therefore, establishing tribal law and totemic paradigms.

By singing the songs in the appropriate sequence, indigenous peoples could navigate vast distances (often travelling through the deserts of Australia's interiority)." - wikipedia

----

been singing the songs of the old ones

i've been singing new songs

i won't be able to give you a chronological narrative of the passage of my life since last september/october

i'll just have to make references as appropriate

just pick up where things are now

----

i've been walkabout

i've been singing the songs of my ancestors

fighting the election and it's aftermath

the election is long since done

my friends have long since been fired from their jobs with the change in administration

others of my friends are only being found and fired now

my family has been here many times before

i'm physically working in roughly the same office my father worked in in the late '60s when he was roughly the same age as i am now... fighting as opposition staff against another right wing government with the same kind of agenda as the new one

"Songlines are an intricate series of song cycles that identify landmarks and subtle tracking mechanisms for navigation. These songs often evoke how the features of the land were created and named during the Dreaming"

i am now keeper of the library. having been surrounded by the old ones most of my life, and having heard and knowing most of their stories, i have the longest corporate memory of any of the people left fighting the battles.

"They then trace the path of the ceremonial ancestors of their tribe, following the exact route that those ancestors took, and imitating in a fashion, their heroic deeds."

----

it was my daughter's 12th birthday recently. i was able to celebrate it with her, sort of.

her birthday was on days with her mother (daughter has begin spending some days/nights at my place again).

a week prior to her birthday i booked a tatami room at a local Japanese restaurant. the six of us went - Smitten and I, her two children, and my two.

we ordered much food. spent about $275.00 on the evening - about $100.00 more than i originally intended, but i decided to order some saki and beer for Smitten and I and let the kids go nuts on ordering. when you are going out for an evening like this you don't nickel and dime, and i'm able to afford it. i couldn't do it regularly, but it was ok.

the kids were able to order raw squid and octopus and whatever they had the whim to try. Smitten kid's are less versed (actually a bit of pain in the ass about food) than mine in non-north american cuisine, but they were in there like a dirty shirt too.

Smitten is always surprised at her kid's reaction when i take them out for different foods. her kids will try pretty much anything when i'm around - not otherwise. i'm either a good or a bad influence, i guess.

having the private room was good with Smitten's daughter being there - she is 9 and a real go girl - plenty of energy.

we had a very pleasant time over several hours at the restaurant. Smitten's daughter declared she wanted to do it again.

my daughter said to me later "That was awesome!"

----

daughter and i have been getting closer again

she is starting to stay with me and phone me regularly again. she is getting to the point where she may be able to break free of her mother's clutches.

her mother has pulled out all the stops - talking about suicide or just leaving the kids - just leaving town

those and many other histrionics

i had my lawyer send a letter to her lawyer telling the stbx to stop it.

but that is all another post

the grey skies outside

It's the tears that still surprise me the most. When they'll just surface. I have to control myself when i'm around other people, or at the office. I don't want someone to walk in and find me all red-eyed... especially if it's a member of the press that has popped by to talk to me for whatever reason (yes - that happens on a regular basis).

The tears.

They'll just come out. Music. Smells. Moments. A sudden memory.

I try not to hold them in too much.

It happens mostly in the van when i'm driving somewhere - often when i'm driving back to my apartment after exercise. The physical release of the exercise - music - that i've been thinking for about 2 hours straight. I try not to dwell on the past, but it's sort of a contemplative time. I focus on my exercise - on being in tune with my body.

The dopamine from having run for an hour and a half and pushing myself on the weights.

Tears

They'll just come out.

Like a few minutes ago.

I was searching for references to tears and crying in my previous posts. Mostly because I didn't want to use the same opening line as a previous post (sorry - the professional writer in me still surfaces even when it doesn't matter).

I read these words from last year's Valentine's post:

"And then the last item. A child's valentine with our names on it. My eyes began to tear. That was the first "valentine" I had ever received from a female. Certainly cards as an adult, but never one of those valentine cards."

I just made the arrangements for this year's valentine's evening. I asked Smitten if i could ask her out for Valentine's on our way to dance lessons last night (she said yes :-) yes to both - me asking her, and her going with me)

I've got us booked a little bistro in the trendy part of town. It's where we went for new year's last year (06/07). The one i wanted to take her to is closed for renovations and won't be open again until Feb 1 - so made this reservation. Made sure that I modified the menu so that it would match Smitten's tolerances. Things like switching desert from their amazing chocolate brownie (milk and wheat...) to a champagne sorbet - blah, blah, blah.

but back to tears and back to emotion.

i'm very much smitten with this woman. very much in love.

i re-read our online dating profiles (how we met) and our first messages again yesterday. i saved them. i still have our emails as well. I will be putting them together in a book for her someday. i was thinking i might do it for this Valentine's day.

I was struck by the consistency in what each of us wanted then and what we still want now.

i was going to cite a few examples, but the writing muse has left me for the moment - so i will post this and perhaps discuss consistency another day

gloves

you know something that pisses me off?

gloves

my children's gloves to be exact. or more exactly, their lack of gloves at my stbx-wife's house.

i went to pick son up this morning to drive him to school. he comes out without his gloves. i send him back to get them.

he can't find them. his mother is up and she can't find them either. they can't seem to find any gloves.

when i left that house there was a box full of gloves and mitts for every occasion. in sizes to fit each member of the household. in different colours. some were brand new and were in the big plastic container just as spares. along with spare scarves and touques.

you see, my kids were forever losing their gloves. mine kept disappearing because the stbx would always steal mine whenever she lost hers because my gloves were always where i put them - oddly enough, in my goddamned coat pocket.

my kids were forever leaving them at school. my stbx was leaving them at work, at her sister's and at her mother's. then, her mother and her sister, were to cheap to buy their own fucking gloves, would wear the gloves that i had bought for my family and when challenged would proclaim them as their gloves. in fact one time, the stbx took my gloves and left them at her sister's. when i saw her sister wearing them a week or two later i mentioned (very mildly and very politely) that they were mine. her sister insisted that she had bought them... until i pointed out that the gloves had a little tag on the inside that said [my first name]. you see i was sick of my stbx stealing my gloves and insisting they were hers, or giving them to my son because she couldn't be bothered to go downstairs to the box of spare gloves - mine were always handy in the closet in my pocket. anyway, my mom has a sewing machine that does letters and made me some tags to sew in. sister-in-law looked, and they indeed had my name inside. wife and sister-in-law got all huffy.

wife ripped me a new asshole after her sister left for embarrassing her sister, and why couldn't i just leave it alone... blah, blah, blah

and

now...

now somehow they don't have any gloves in that house anymore.

did i mention that i have spare gloves for myself and each kid at my apartment? and that i carry spare gloves and touques in my vehicle for the times they inevitably forget?

assholes

i should let them fucking freeze sometime

it just pisses me off. i have never lost a pair of gloves. or a touque. myself, that is.

historically they have managed to lose them in a single day - sometimes in less than an hour. sometimes i would go over to the school and just go pick up all the shit my children had lost at school. one time i found a pair of my missing leather gloves at the school - when i inquired i found out stbx had given them to son (as described above).

yeah

my blood pressure is up.

breathe in

breathe in

exhale

repeat

did i mention that the same thing would happen with my stbx-wife's keys? i used to have to keep spares of all their fucking keys around because she could never put her keys in a consistent place. like her pocket, or on the fucking little rack of key hooks right by the entrance door. i forgive the kids to an extent, but she's a goddamned adult.

recently she was missing her car keys for two weeks. then son put on one of his spare coats and found her keys in it, you see she would wear his coats and go outside and smoke because she would have put her coat somewhere other than, oh, maybe the closet in the fucking front entrance - and so she wore his coat. and he wouldn't wear it because it smelled like cigarette smoke. and so her keys were missing for two weeks because she's too much of an asshat to keep her shit together [uncharitable expletive loaded descriptions of stbx deleted from this spot].

son has only lost one set of my apartment keys to date. he thinks they are in his room at the house...

gloves

fuck

mutter

Sing for the Moment

Eminem: Sing for the Moment - WikiPedia



These ideas are nightmares to white parents
Whose worst fear is a child with dyed hair and who likes earrings
Like whatever they say has no bearing, it's so scary in a house that allows
no swearing
To see him walking around with his headphones blaring
Alone in his own zone, cold and he don't care
He's a problem child
And what bothers him all comes out, when he talks about
His fuckin' dad walkin' out
Cause he just hates him so bad that he blocks him out
If he ever saw him again he'd probably knock him out
His thoughts are whacked, he's mad so he's talkin' back
Talkin' black, brainwashed from rock and rap
He sags his pants, do-rags and a stocking cap
His step-father hit him, so he socked him back, and broke his nose
His house is a broken home, there's no control, he just let's his emotions
go...

{C'mon}, sing with me, {sing}, sing for the years
{Sing it}, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears, {c'mon)
Sing it with me, just for today, maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you
away...

Entertainment is changin', intertwinin' with gangsta's
In the land of the killers, a sinner's mind is a sanctum
Holy or unholy, only have one homie
Only this gun, lonely cause don't anyone know me
Yet everybody just feels like they can relate, I guess words are a
mothafucka they can be great
Or they can degrade, or even worse they can teach hate
It's like these kids hang on every single statement we make
Like they worship us, plus all the stores ship us platinum
Now how the fuck did this metamorphosis happen
From standin' on corners and porches just rappin'
To havin' a fortune, no more kissin' ass
But then these critics crucify you, journalists try to burn you
Fans turn on you, attorneys all want a turn at you
To get they hands on every dime you have, they want you to lose your mind
every time you mad
So they can try to make you out to look like a loose cannon
Any dispute won't hesitate to produce handguns
That's why these prosecutors wanna convict me, strictly just to get me off
of these streets quickly
But all they kids be listenin' to me religiously, so i'm signin' cd's while
police fingerprint me
They're for the judge's daughter but his grudge is against me
If i'm such a fuckin' menace, this shit doesn't make sense Pete
It's all political, if my music is literal, and i'm a criminal how the fuck
can I raise a little girl
I couldn't, I wouldn't be fit to, you're full of shit too, Guerrera, that
was a fist that hit you...

{C'mon}, sing with me, {sing}, sing for the years
{Sing it}, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears, {c'mon)
Sing it with me, just for today, maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you
away...

They say music can alter moods and talk to you
Well can it load a gun up for you , and cock it too
Well if it can, then the next time you assault a dude
Just tell the judge it was my fault and i'll get sued
See what these kids do is hear about us totin' pistols
And they want to get one cause they think the shit's cool
Not knowin' we really just protectin' ourselves, we entertainers
Of course the shit's affectin' our sales, you ignoramus
But music is reflection of self, we just explain it, and then we get our
checks in the mail
It's fucked up ain't it
How we can come from practically nothing to being able to have any fuckin'
thing that we wanted
That's why we sing for these kids, who don't have a thing
Except for a dream, and a fuckin' rap magazine
Who post pin-up pictures on their walls all day long
Idolize they favorite rappers and know all they songs
Or for anyone who's ever been through shit in their lives
Till they sit and they cry at night wishin' they'd die
Till they throw on a rap record and they sit, and they vibe
We're nothin' to you but we're the fuckin' shit in they eyes
That's why we seize the moment try to freeze it and own it, squeeze it and
hold it
Cause we consider these minutes golden
And maybe they'll admit it when we're gone
Just let our spirits live on, through our lyrics that you hear in our
songs and we can...

{C'mon}, sing with me, {sing}, sing for the years
{Sing it}, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears, {c'mon)
Sing it with me, just for today, maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you
away...

Son got suspended from school

my son is a dumbass

good kid

but none-the-less a dumbass

he goes onto some teen/younger crowd internet bulletin boards. like many of his contemporaries he wants to a bit of a badass. irreverence is the word of the day...

on one board in particular the word "nigger" or "nigga" is used freely and gratuitously (and in my opinion inappropriately). the social sting of such usage is taken away somewhat by the use of the word in popular culture such as in in Hip Hop and Rap music, and in TV shows like the Boondocks.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Boondocks_(TV_series)

"Aaron has defended the show's heavy and at times gratuitous use of the word "nigga", by arguing that the large-scale usage of the word provides the show with a level of realism, due to the fact that the word is commonly used in the everyday conversations of some African Americans."

I have warned him about using the word and demanded that it not be used in my presence. He does not use it much in everyday usage (that i am aware of).

He is not overtly racist to my perception, and has both black and north american indian friends.

however, my dumbassed son put the subject line "niggaz everywhere" into an email to himself, when he emailed himself a school assignment as an attachment ("niggaz everywhere" is a quote from Rampage the Last Boyscout - Take it to the Streets, the ever tasteful lyrics: "Niggaz everywhere, bitches everywhere rockin to ramp’s new beat; When I hear his music I can’t help but get down like they do"). his story as to why he chose to put the line there is a little confused and will not detail it here - suffice it to say his judgement at 2AM after finishing the assignment, was lacking... i suspect it was to congratulate himself on a job well done

anyway, son was pulling up his assignment in school from email to show it to the class when the teacher projected his mailbox onto the big screen. and there was the subject line. there is one black girl in the class. one of the many ironies is that this was christian ethics class (catholic school [they're govt/publicly funded here])

son got interviewed by the administration and i got called. he's being suspended for two days, and serving a 3rd in school suspension day. i agree with the suspension and actually had the words "this will require a suspension" out of my mouth before the principal did. son will also be giving a re-approved apology to the class including the girl.

they think it was "an error in judgement" (read: dumbassery) and not overt racism as son has been in trouble in both elementary school and high school for fights and altercations where he has been intervening in racial catcalling to stop the catcalling. they want to reduce the incident to a minor one - hence the 3 days of suspension - school is out starting friday until sometime in january.

my son

the dumbass

now, the suspended dumbass...

a little pissed this morning

awhile back my son was out and didn't have the right change for bus. he walked to my parents place from where he was (about 1.5 miles). it was mild enough, only about -12C that day. he wears a cosmic winter coat i bought him this year and has good gloves and such. he could have gotten change, but chose not to.

he had called me to ask for a ride - i said no because he hadn't even informed me it was a possibility and i was busy (i was in the middle of a dinner date with Smitten) i had earlier been in the area of town where he was, and had wondered whether i should pick him up, but he wasn't where he said he was going to be when i checked - i advised him of that. when he called i asked him if he had enough money for the bus and he said yes.

back to the original discussion - it concerned my parents and i that he might show up at their place and they wouldn't be home. and that it might be really cold on such a day.

he told them he didn't have the money for the bus. either they misinterpreted, or he misspoke himself - he had been up all night at a computer gaming tournament and was less than fully coherent. la monnaie in french means change. being french immersion his whole life, sometimes his english usage defaults to french words or their exact english translation and he is slightly idiomatically incorrect.

i had yet another discussion with him about what he should do in the event of being stranded somewhere. it's not that he is being irresponsible, it's just he might make a dumb decision sometime - especially if he was out at a party and had been drinking or whatnot... (yes, i know he is only sixteen - but let's get real here people).

i discussed with him that if he was stranded he had various options including phoning me, his grandparents, his uncles and aunts and so forth. i explained to him that even if no-one would let him use a phone, he can make a collect local call from a payphone. i explained to him that if he was stranded (lets say during a blizzard or at a party gone wrong [or having escaped to a corner store after a party gone wrong]) that even if we were unable to drive him (let's say i had some wine and shouldn't be driving [not that i do it much, but i was trying to model responsible procedures in the event of alcohol consumption], or my mom or dad weren't up to driving at night), that we could either use a credit card over the phone, or we would get a cab and come to where he was to pick him up. as well as single rescuing of him, we wanted to underline once again that neither he nor his friends should be driving, and that we would make things work - even if we needed to drive friends' cars (or friends parent's cars) home so they wouldn't be drinking and driving either.

blah, blah, blah

one of the things i did was make a zip-lock bag with coins and bus tickets - for emergencies. that way, he would have 18 hours of public transport and coin always available.

he put this coin into one of the many pockets of his coat (it's a snow boarding coat so it has a gazillion pockets)

the winter coat is white nylon.

it was getting dirty

his mother decides to wash to coat

like she has for the last 20 years, she doesn't go through pockets properly when she pulls something off the hanger to wash it.

she washes it without checking all the pockets.

the bag of bus tickets gets washed and for whatever reason the bus tickets get wet - probably because son opened it and didn't seal it right.

the bus tickets are wrecked

i know it's only $12.50 but it pisses me off

it pisses me off that my careful preparation is casually ruined by her bad habit of not checking pockets properly. it pisses me off at a bunch of levels.

and it's not like it's the first time. she's been doing it for years. one time (while we were still together), she took a cardigan that i had hanging on the chair in my room and decided to wash it because she need another green item. not because it needed washing, but to make a load big enough to justify washing it in her mind.

i had, the night before, put about a year's worth of massage receipts in my pocket to take to work to file the medical insurance paperwork. that was about $1200 worth of receipts. i had to go about getting official duplicates, and get special permission to file duplicates with the insurance company. a big hassle. over the years she's washed my checkbooks, my pens, my wallet, letters, bills, notes... and in items that were not in the laundry basket. several of the times with the pens, she took my shirt from the chair i had hung it on - i was doing yard work, and had changed into work clothes, but intended to change back into my original shirt later.

aaaargh!

and once again, because of her total self absorption, her focus on only what she is doing, she fucks up some plan or preparation of mine. and if i hadn't quizzed my brain-dead child about the survival of his emergency bus tickets he wouldn't have even thought of it himself. that irritates me too.

i know she was doing it to be nice, but it is still all about her. she quizzed him for a half-an-hour last night about wasn't he really happy she had washed his coat for him, and didn't this prove she was a good mother. that she was fixing the problem i had made by buying him a white coat. that i might make the "grand gesture" (her words) of buying him the coat, but she was the one who had to do the work to fix my mistake of buying that coat... "because your father never thinks about things like washing and care".

(she has had the issues with son for awhile about clothing. son wants a particular item and she doesn't. so she uses one of her many styles of trying to alter the choice, leading up to simple imposition of her own will as a last resort. both kids have complained about having no choice about their clothes)

anyway

that's my rant

i'm irritated

telling you this story has helped me understand why i'm cranky to this level over $12.50 - hell, it's only the price of a couple of premium martinis, or slightly less than lunch out (not that I do either often).

but now i have to (or son will have to) peel apart bus tickets, and then go see if the transit authority head office will accept the damaged tickets back and exchange them for good ones. or it will just be a loss of about $12.50.

i'm a little pissed this morning

will there ever be time to blog?

yeah

so everyone that had their eyes glaze over on the Canadian Politics primer and breezed past it...

read the last section of that post

----

my dad went into the hospital again this past weekend

he had a seizure in about 2AM

my mom tried to reach me and couldn't

my sister-in-law did

Smitten and I had just had a major shaker Christmas party

for the first time in a long time i was so sloshed i could barely walk

i decided that i would not go to the hospital

my Mom won't say it completely out loud, but she's pretty choked i didn't come there

i told her that it would have done no good for me to come over if i couldn't maintain myself upright in a chair...

----

stbx-Mrs_C is losing her marbles. the kids are complaining that she is REALLY unstable

----

the counter-petition from her lawyer arrived

it contains a number if shitty untrue statements - luckily i have written documentation to rebut them

----

work continues to be non-stop from the moment i get here until i leave - often quite late

the new set-up is quite an adjustment for everyone involved

bumping egos and old processes/attitudes that do not fit our new station in the universe are casing problems

----

balh, blah, blah

i will actually detail some of all of this when i have some time, or i'm not too exhausted to do it