last night

daughter calls me today. she's in the mall with her mom. her mom didn't want her to stay at home alone, so took her to the mall, and then ditched her (as daughter puts it). stbx wanted to go do something and told daughter to go do her own thing.

daughter was having a time trying to reconcile her mom saying she didn't want to leave her by herself, and then being left by herself in the mall (stbx was in the mall, just elsewhere). daughter just found it an odd incongruity.

daughter told me she was tired. that she didn't go exercise today like she had planned because she had been up until 2:30am listening to her mother and son fight. son got high (pot) last night and stbx realised it when she came home. she freaked on him for around 5 hours straight.

son called me today

tells me about a jazz concert in town at a local lounge/bar

we talk a bit

i've been pushing him to get his driver's license and a car (i'll buy the car). he is now considering it more. he rejected the idea before.

he tells me that he and his mother got into it last night. because he was high.

they argued for 5 hours. he tried to break off but she kept following him around.

he ended up going outside to his friend's car and sleeping there from about 2:30am until 7am when he went inside.

i need to talk to my lawyer...

thank god i've got them in counselling at least

rescue gene

daughter talked a bit about her counselling session

about the girl she wants to go out with

a girl at her school - a grade 8 girl - 14 years old

(read daughter's dinner engagement...)

this girl has caused some trouble for daughter already. she kissed daughter at school in the schoolyard. the kids reported her. this was few weeks back

daughter called me that day - she was scheduled to go talk to the principal in the afternoon. i told her to be completely open with the principal about what was up. about her attraction and about her bi-sexuality and about the teasing and stuff in the schoolyard. to trust the principal.

it was a long discussion with the principal (whom i am on decent terms with) who likes daughter. who thinks daughter is a good kid. and even if it is a catholic school, the principal is french... she has gay friends and family herself.

they had a long conversation. daughter told me afterwards that sometimes it was maddening because the principal said almost exactly the same things word for word that i did.

principal called me. we talked. we talked about both girls. i have concerns about this other girl because she has some impulse control issues. this girl was sexually abused as a kid and does a lot of stuff just for shock value.

i have expressed my concerns about her. the principal expressed her concern that the girl is not someone daughter should be hooking up with. the principal confirmed my suspicions about impulse control on this other girl.

the girl also does drugs, says she has sex with boys, and drinks...

i have expressed my concerns about his to daughter as well.

i have not done anything to facilitate their contact.

----

- back to daughter's counselling session and our talk on the way back to school -

daughter talked about how she had discussed how she seems to always hook up with "the wrong kind of kids". kids who will get her into trouble. daughter talked about how she realised, while talking to the counsellor, that she was trying to "save" her friends.

that she was trying to stop them from their downward spiral. that she knew what would work to help them in their lives, but how she could never seem to convince her friends to just take her advice and live better. that they would always make the wrong decisions, no matter what she did

----

no really - she said the above

and more

i am not shitting you

----

she said that she realised the girl she was trying to date was a lot like her mother. all the way to the childhood sexual abuse and the substance abuse issues.

that the girl was as wildly mood swinging and erratic as her mother

a lot like her mother

that it wasn't probably a good thing...

----

for more on rescuing read here:

control, loss of control, and rescuing

----

son is still trying to convince his mother to turn her life around - still ready to battle her - trying to "point out how stupid she's being"

----

but not me

nope

never

nuh-uh

no way

----

"Observational learning (also known as: vicarious learning or social learning or modeling) is learning that occurs as a function of observing, retaining and, in the case of imitation learning, replicating behavior executed by others." - wikipedia

"Motivation: In general, observers will perform the act only if they have some motivation or reason to do so. The presence of reinforcement or punishment, either to the model or directly to the observer, becomes most important in this process."

http://www.funderstanding.com/observational_learning.cfm

"Many mistake observational learning with imitation. The two terms are different in the sense that observational learning leads to a change in behavior due to observing a model." - wikpedia

----

rescue gene...

steps

as i had mentioned in some past postings i have discussed with my kids that if things ever got bad enough at their mother's place, that they would have a place to stay with me (The Trail (Part 2)The Trail (Part 1)

that they might have to consider moving in full time with me if things got really unstable

i mentioned it again today to daughter

i had picked her up to go to her counselling

her mother had gone kind of weird on her that morning

you see, daughter's appointment was at 10am. they had a school mass that morning (catholic school [government funded here]). they would be leaving for the mass at about 9:30. about the time i would be picking her up for counselling. daughter proposed that she just miss the first half hour of school as well (starts at 9am). i said OK.

her mother was still home (12:30-9 shift week) had a fit and told her that by law she had to go to school at age 12...

and booted her out the door

daughter went to school

for 15 minutes

that's when her class left for mass - 9:15am

i had called the school to excuse her for the morning

her mother had left the house by the time daughter got back to the house - gone for smokes or some such

daughter was just baffled by her mother's behaviour. her mother had told daughter that she was disappointed in her. without even saying why. just kept repeating that she was disappointed in her and that she had to go to school because she was 12 and that it was required by law.

maybe it is some kind of "look, i'm a good parent too" or "look - i'm a better parent than you" thing bubbling up in the stbx's mind. god only knows with that woman. especially after i have given stbx grief about son missing school. maybe that's it. i don't know...

but daughter was upset about it, saying "i just don't care what she says anymore"

i talked about her statement - pointing out that no matter how much you say you don't care - when someone makes a comment like that - even someone you have dismissed - it still can burn - but that it is a question of being aware enough of the hurt - because being still hurt emotionally, but thinking in your head that it shouldn't matter causes more anxiety as you feel bad, but think you should be tougher because you've decided it shouldn't matter...

if that made any sense to anyone but me

i told her that while i still thought that the best scenario for the kids would be to have both parents in their lives equally, that in recent times i had begun to worry that being around their mother was actually unhealthy for them

that their mother was causing more damage than good

that i had no agenda to make them move, or to cut off their mother - just that i was worried about the long term effects of their mother's instability. i cited her brother's break-down as an example of what i was worried would continue to happen

again - i stressed that their was no agenda - just that i was sharing my worry and concern, and that i wanted to inject the consideration of the idea of moving in with me full-time

daughter told me that she had already decided that she wanted to move out with friends when she was "17 or so" and get her own place. that she had already been thinking about changing her living arrangements.

i asked if the moving out with friends thing was because then she wouldn't have to appear to be making a choice between her mom and i. she said no, that wasn't it.

i told her that i thought that moving out on her own would be a poor choice - that at 17 she still needed guidance - and that many things can go wrong - that a positive parent can be of value

that i want them to remain living with me at least until they are done high school, and hopefully part of their post-secondary.

daughter mumbled some acknowledgment and we went inside for her counselling session.

i dropped her with her counsellor and wandered around the area until she was done

----

we made another appointment for next week. while driving away i told daughter to keep her appointment card secure from her mother because if her mother was rifling through daughter's stuff she might decide to go off on a tear if she found the card and decided she wanted to inject herself into the counsellor relationship (kids counselling and outcomes). when i signed both son and daughter up i made sure that i requested and instructed both counsellors to not disclose anything to me outside of fear of doing harm to themselves. i did this in front of the kids. i made sure that it was clear that this was to be a place the kids could find refuge and privancy. i made sure to outline my concerns that their mother might dig into their files if she was to contact the counsellors (stbx does not know the counsellors' identities). i asked them to not keep full records of the visits in order to make sure that the counselling records could not be subpoenaed or accessed by their mother. the kids chimed in on this as well - they don't want their mother to even know the names of the counsellors. they hadn't said anything to me, but i knew it was a concern they had from the counsellor their mother took them to - that their counsellor would be a pawn or participant. i made sure to cut that one off immediately. i am very sensitive to their feelings (yeah - i think i can confidently say that) and knew it. they hadn't even figured it out for themselves - but as soon as i articulated it they were all over it and said that they had been worried about that sort of thing - about their privacy

i have not asked about any content of their sessions

but they have shared some details

i remain open to them - as much as any parent can be, i guess

astounded

my children told me last night that their mother had said to them at one time that she thought that daughter was being raped at my apartment

by son's friends, and then later intimated that it was occurring from son

and then later intimated that it was occurring from me

but backed off immediately when both kids turned on her very hard

i'm told her standard practice is to launch some wild and outlandish accusation or bizarre statement of fear and then when the kids rip into her for her bullshit, she runs off to her room crying

literally

she's nuts

she's actually bonkers

i think

----

i need to figure out what to do. i am loathe to allow my children around that sort of behaviour, but i am equally loathe to try to lever them out of their mother's house without their consent.

----

she has so little impulse control

it's pathetic

she just blurts out whatever floats into her head

whatever bizarre imagining or construct developed out of her own past or warped sense of the universe

example of insanity

as noted in yesterday's post, stbx called me that morning. she is in serious financial difficulty and wants me to allow her to access the equity line of credit.

i said that i was prepared to do so. i told her to send me a proposal

i then sent a follow up email:

follow up to our conversation of earlier today

please advise me of what actions you are requesting me to take with regard to the line of credit and so forth

a 2 day timeline is difficult to work with and to have the opportunity to review the matter with my legal counsel

so, the sooner the details the better

her response email came this morning:

"if you are to busy, i will just proceed with a different course of action"

that is so fucking typical of the way she twists and distorts and deflects

it is not too much to ask for the details of what she wants

her two principal options:

have a lump sum transferred, or be granted unlimited access to the remainder for the credit line

that took a long time to type, hey?

so what the fuck?

backlash

daughter called me at lunchtime yesterday. she was in tears.

her mother had just said no to a sleepover this next weekend. because daughter had told her that she was bi-sexual. and that stbx didn't know if daughter's friend... "how do i know that she's not your lover?"

daughter was REALLY upset

she cried for most of the noon hour. she was still angry last night and this morning.

i let her stay home in the afternoon yesterday because she had cried so hard and so long she had a brutal headache and her face was kind of swollen.

son and her decided they would "battle" their mother on the subject.

took daughter (and son) for all-you-can-eat sushi last night to distract them. i was tired and didn't want to cook after my day at work and after dealing with soothing the kids.

we had fun.

----

i told daughter that she could have sleepovers at my place and that son could either crash on the couch or stay at his grandparents' place to facilitate her sleepover (son and daughter share a room - bunkbeds)

son was supportive of this plan

----

stbx called me this morning.

she is in serious financial difficulty and wants me to allow her to access the equit line of credit.

i told her to send me a proposal

----

she also raised the issue with daughter and the sleepover.

she tried to get me to support her decision

i told her i disagreed fundamentally with her actions and that i thought that she should allow it to go ahead.

i pointed out that son had actually slept on the other side of the bed from a gay guy on a band trip and she didn't have an issue with it.

her counter is that son is not gay.

i pointed out that daughter's friend is not either. stbx asked how she could know that. i said daughter told her. she said she didn't know if she could believe daughter. i told her she had to just make a choice to believe her or not.

stbx caved on the issue

she said she would allow the sleepover.

she attempted to go into a whole bunch of other parenting issues and into how her life sucks and she can't cope with everything - especially parenting.

she went on about how she couldn't talk about issues like daughter's bi-sexuality with her family. that she needed someone to talk to about parenting and the kids.

she immediately went off on more teary eyed crap about how tough her life is

i told her that i had no intention of having an extended conversation on any subject, and that she had burned far too many bridges with things like false accusations of rape for us to be having swell mutually supportive conversations

i then advised her i needed to go and ended the conversation

outcomes

daughter attended her first counselling session on monday morning. son on monday afternoon. i took time off from work to go with both and at the request of the counsellors i participated in the first parts of each session.

daughter's counsellor is off plan (both family assistance and health insurance [counselling isn't yet covered under universal medicare (which it would be if i were in charge)], so i am paying cash for her visits - $75.00 a visit. son's counsellor is on my workplace family assistance plan, so 5 visits will be covered - then i pay cash because even though you can be a registered counsellor with a master's in clinical social work, my health insurance won't pay for a non-psychologist as a counsellor.

in each case i selected the counsellor for their experience and abilities, not for coverage. i wanted people who would fit well with my kids and their needs.

i'll figure out a way to pay for it all later - i'll probably have to hit up my mom and dad for help in this case.

daughter's counsellor is an associate of a lady who is widely regarded locally and nationally for her work with the Lesbian Gay Bi-Sexual and Transgender community. i was referred to he first lady, but she is going in for surgery and is not taking new patients. i described my needs and she referred me to one of her associates. her associate is not a registered counsellor - though she is currently under application for registration. she is a professor of psychology at the local university who teaches clinical psychology, but bizarrely is not a registered clinical psychologist (minimum number of hours per year spent counselling is one of the reasons). she was both teach and finishing some post-doctoral work or some such in the last few years.

anyway, she's pretty wild. she's in her late 50s and is a self-professed weird person. crystals, energy, chi, reiki, hypnosis, wholism, blah, blah, blah. perfect fit for daughter - who sees herself as very different from her peers. we'll see how they get along as things progress. daughter has another appointment next week.

son's counsellor is a dude who has worked with teenaged boys for a lot of years. he is a bit jockish for my tastes (and son's) but he seems ok. he has a degree in fine arts in addition to his bachelors and masters in clinical social work, so he must have a little going on beyond his sports guy thing...

he used to live over the fence from my parents - they knew each other peripherally. he also played hockey with my brother. no close relationships. i am comfortable with that and so is son - we didn't feel the need to get someone who was totally removed.

it's hard to go anywhere in the city, and in fact most of the province and find a professional of any variety who doesn't know my family in some manner...

me not knowing daughter's counsellor is actually different. i know the other lady - she also served on the women's centre board with Smitten.

yeah - it's not a huge place where we live, and we're fairly high profile and darn well known.

[end of section written thursday may 8]

i asked my mom last night for help ($250.00 loan for 2 weeks until i get some health insurance reimbursements). help she had said would be forthcoming if it was ever needed for the kids. she gave me shit for not taking them to the same counsellor i'm seeing - the free one. telling me i could have saved my money by going there. as for the loan - she said she'd think about it. i was pretty hurt. but mom is sometimes like that.

i didn't bother arguing with her. i waited a few minutes and called her back telling her that i had been just called and told i would receive a payable from my consulting work and didn't need her help.

a lie. thinking about it i potentially should have told her that her response pissed me off and was inconsistent with her previous stance - but i may need help in the future and there is no point in burning a bridge by having a confrontation. so i avoided a potential confrontation in a personal trade off. i knew i could juggle shit and asking mom was more convenience for myself than anything, so it didn't much matter. she said she had the money and was prepared to spend on helping them - specifically talking about getting counselling in one discussion.

but, whatever....

because i went with the not lowest cost option it was an issue. because her ideas about counselling - that a counsellor who was really good for her would be good for the kids... a sort of one size fits all approach...

yeah - i guess i'm a little more irritated than i thought

but it's her money and i need to just get over it

----

back to the kids:

daughter was quite enthused about her counsellor

son was a more nonchalant, but seemed to be walking a little lighter in his steps as we left

i think they are feeling positive that there must be a way out of how they feel and their rock and a hard place position.

signed both kids up for my gym. lied to the gym and told them daughter (12) was 14 in order to get them to accept her...

both kids are quite positive about going - the gym promo'd a bunch of sessions (8 hours) with trainers when i signed them up, so they will be well trained on the equipment.

----

stbx called and sniveled at me about money - asked for some - said she needed to pay a credit card and couldn't get a personal line of credit in time to make a payment

said i owed her money for interest on the equity line of credit that she has paid

i told her she owed me over $100,000 for my share of the house she was living in

i gave her the money - $100

if i expected anything (which i didn't) it was soon to be not forthcoming

after work when i went to pick daughter up after her intro session at the gym, daughter told me to that her mom had told her to remind me to give her the money i owed her...

i told daughter i didn't owe her mom any money, and that i was just helping her mom out of a tight spot

oh, well

why did i give her the money?

i want the counselling and the gym time to be as undisrupted as possible

so i chose undemanded and unasked for pre-emptive appeasement

----

yeah

and she tried to strike up conversations

"so, how are you doing?" she asks me brightly on the phone when i first agree. i tell her i do not wish to talk righ tnow

when i drop the money off she tells me "you're looking great, have you lost weight?"

bullshit

i've gained weight

she wants to talk

i tell her i am leaving

last time i told her flat out that i had no desire to have any conversation with someone who told me kids i raped her

this time - i didn't feel like it

i didn't want a confrontation or conversation

i wanted to go for dinner with Smitten

----

stbx looked awful

oh my god she looked awful

her face was heavier and puffier - even if she is skinnier

her face has that large pore look - with the bumpy skin with uneven texture and colour

like you see on an alcoholic

not saying she is

just trying to give you an idea

her hair is like straw - all wild and out of control and unkept

washed, but dry and full of static

i was really bothered by it for the whole evening

she looks awful

i guess drinking a lot and smoking more than a pack a day will start to do that

especially on top of anorexic eating behaviours

it really bothered me

----

but i still won't talk to her

kids' counselling

stbx actually signed letters consenting to the kids getting counselling from the counsellor of their choice. i put in a line that signing the letter did not imply that she would pay for the counselling just to get past her fixation on being broke.

not that she is. she just says she is. if she was broke she wouldn't spend $300+ a month on cigarettes and wouldn't buy lunch to the tune of $100-$200 a month. or spend $100+ per month on clothes and shit for daughter. or maybe she would.

she said she was broke all through our marriage too. all the time.

anyway - kids are seeing counsellors. she even signed the letter before she got the letters from me and the lawyer on the Hawaii trip fuck-ups.

strange

you see, after son's episode the other week, i tried to get the kids counselling and get it paid through my workplace family assistance plan. they won't do approve it in the event of a marital breakdown unless both parents consent. that is how she was able to fuck with my 3 previous attempts to get the kids counselling.

i decided that i was just going ahead and would find counsellors that would take my kids either way. that somehow i would find a way to get them help - and damn the cost.

monday morning for daughter, monday afternoon for son.

i am to attend the first little bit of the counselling session with them and then it will go private. i will hang around and wait nearby.

daughter's counsellor is a lady with extensive experience in sexual identity counselling. she is the partner of my original pick. it made me happy when the original lady said "she may be just experimenting, or it might be something real and permanent. we'll help her work through it and figure out what it is."

why am i happy? because the lady is a log term lesbian. she is an advocate for the LGBT community and has done a lot of work in the community. i was referred to her by the family assistance dude. Smitten worked on the board of the local women's centre (i later found out) and thinks highly of her. i picked her so daughter would have someone who had been through it - but was also a qualified counsellor. i was happy because it meant that this lady wouldn't be pressing/recruiting daughter to join the ranks of lesbians/bisexuals.

not that there is an issue with that - if it is daughter's choice.

so the counsellor - and i assume her partner - whom daughter will see - is not just assuming that that daughter will be bisexual - it will be healthier.

i am pleased at the lack of militancy i have observed in the people i have asked for help in helping/guiding daughter. in observing this i am feeling a level of self-validation in my judgment in whom i have picked as resources and in the methodology i have employed to arrive here.

----

son is still messed. missed more school. having problems with sleep again.

it's funny (yeah - ha ha...) that he was having no problems up until he went out for the evening last night with his mother (to see a cousin who is in town for a short while). i will have to quizz him on last night a little more.

i was talking with Smitten about it at lunch today - he phoned me to say he'd fallen asleep while putting on his shoes (shortly after falling asleep standing up while making his lunch) and had slept in until noon.

son has to make his own choices.

he will have to bear some consequences. he made the choice to stay home a few times when he didn't have to, and so if now it is coming home to roost and he is running out of available absences before he gets suspended from his classes... and i warned him at the time that he would need those potential absences later...

he may end up having to spend a little more time in high school or doing make up classes at university.

it is the price to be paid

the price he has to bear because of the break-up. not that it should still be affecting him - but the break-up removed me as a shield - and he is not sheltered from his mother's psychosis - and it is affecting him

the price may be a year of his life

not that steep a price to pay - plenty of people have fucked around and wasted a year or two of their lives. and if this is the fall-out - the price - that's just what it has to be.

the same as if he were in a car accident and got laid up in hospital for awhile.

he's road-kill for his mother's behaviour and my decision(s) to leave.

i hope the counsellor can help son find his way past his issues

i hope we can find ways for son to sleep again

----

i'm on track for my own additional counselling as well

see if that does anything

The letter - as delivered

i was going to say she has come roaring back into my life, but it would be more accurate to say she's smashing against the walls

or bouncing off them

how many of you have seen the movie Roadwarrior?

she's like the marauders outside the piles of old tires that serve as walls for the compound - driving in circles and trying to leap over or break through

but more on that later - i'm fine. just irritated that i would try to address serious issues with her and then let her waste my time leaping off into tangents and "poor me" bullshit and weird revisionist history. 3 calls since yesterday - 10 minutes (4-4:10pm), 1 hour (5:15-6:10pm), 25 minutes (8:36-9:05am)

(she got the letter from my lawyer [through her lawyer] that gave a synopsis of my letter. she got my letter as well - dropped in mailbox after her second call on the way home from work)

but whatever - i got a few things off my chest. i said a few things in as raw and as blunt a manner as i could. told her she had been a irresponsible parent and such. told her she was emotionally unstable and was the source of most of the sleep problems the kids have. as she dragged things from the marriage and stuff up i provided some pithy commentary about that too. i endured the bullshit to gain the opportunity to say some of the things i wanted to say.

she is feeling way out of control and wants it back. is trying to gain it back by sucking me into engagement. i made a few mistakes in how i let her pull the conversation around, but hell - i can't be perfect the first time i try to control the conversation. it was interesting.

i don't intend to do it again. it's almost 2 hours of my life i will never get back... she's still nuts. she'll never change.

anyway, further discussion of that later. in the meantime, here's the letter as delivered:

----

April 21, 2008

[stbx F. stbx],

You recently went on a trip to Hawaii (Saturday, April 5, 2008). I hope your trip was a good one. I will once again offer to provide accommodation for care of the children in the context of any future travel you might undertake. It is my hope and intent to have an appropriate reciprocal accommodation in regard to care for the children around travel and vacations.

With regard to childcare arrangements, I have some concerns with how things were handled for this trip.

Those concerns:

We exercise joint custody of the children.

You were leaving [our city] for a two-week period. One of those weeks the children would have normally been with you and one of those weeks they would have spent with me. They would also be alone for 2 more days at the end of the trip.

1) You did not advise me that you were planning to leave, and that the children would be alone for over a week, until the Wednesday prior to your departure (Saturday). This is inadequate notice and joint planning. In the future please advise me earlier of such instances – at minimum 2 weeks before such travel.

You only mentioned that you were going on a trip during a telephone call I made to you with regard to arrangements I was making with you about [Son] and [Daughter] traveling with me to the U.S. to see Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton speak.

I am not asking for details of your travel plans or life activity, I am however, asking for reasonable advance notice of times when I may be required to provide additional support to and for the children – like a week in which you are not there – as in case of an emergency, and to supervise, provide guidance, or drive them to lessons and such.

In no way should my comments be interpreted as admonishment on travel – far from it. I want you to travel.

You must let me know earlier if I’m going to need to cover supervision or support activities. If I had chosen to go out of town in that period the kids would have been on their own. Even though [Son] is 16 years old, I am not comfortable with his ability to handle extraordinary or emergency situations without guidance. Chris, who is 18, and who lives at your house, is not, in my opinion, suitably mature or capable of appropriate supervision or emergency situation handling. He is also a friend of [Son]’s and is therefore inappropriate as a supervisory adult. Chris is simply a tenant in your house and has no authority – he is not an adult in charge in your absence. He has no authority to handle medical or other situations that could potentially arise. His presence in the house is irrelevant to childcare arrangements that you should have made.

In our call (Wednesday, April 2, 2008) you raised a number of concerns you had. I needed to be elsewhere at the time of the call and did not have the time to discuss issues more fully. This is another example of why more notice time is required to deal with childcare arrangements. You should have called me earlier, or sent me a letter in advance.

You talked to me about the fact that you were uncomfortable with leaving the children on their own for a week. That they had convinced you that they wanted to try being on their own. That you felt they would likely need extra supervision. That you were concerned that they might throw a party while you were away. That you wanted me to try to ensure there were no parties at the house. You gave me no definitional parameters to accompany any of your concerns or requests.

Also, while I still own half of the house, my role in this situation is childcare, not housecare. You have explicitly removed me from any current dealing with the house while it remains your domicile and in your possession. To involve me at this point in supervision of the house without discussion and highly specific instruction as to how to deal with any situations contradicts previous communication you have directed at me, and your previous practice in arranging for others to look after your house (like when you have gone on vacation).

I have no problem with allowing the kids to try out spending time on their own as you and they advised me they wanted to do. There was inadequate time to discuss issues in that call on Wednesday night. We should have had an appropriate exchange of ideas on how to deal with that week the children would be on their own. In the future, please either call me or send me a letter/note.

2) You did not leave enough food in the house to, in my opinion, adequately cover meals and lunches during your week. You did not leave money to cover additional needs. I must underline in the strongest of terms that this is inadequate and irresponsible.

I was very distressed to receive a call from the kids the afternoon of Tuesday, April 8, 2008 telling me they thought they might run out of food, and asking if they could have $30.00 to go buy more food. They told me that you had said you would leave $50.00 for them, but that it had not been left. After some thought I advised them to contact you for guidance. I told them that I would not leave them in the lurch for food, but that they needed to contact you, as it was your domicile and your week as custodial parent.

3) You did not leave them with contact numbers or contact information on how to reach you in Hawaii. This is improper, inadequate, and utterly irresponsible. Do not do this again. In the future leave proper contact information for the children on how to reach you when you are leaving them alone.

The children only had [brother-in-law]’s cell phone number as a contact. They tried calling the number 3 times and then left a message at my direction. They tried contacting you a number of additional times. I am advised that there was never a return call received by anyone at the house. Did you have any proof/information that [brother-in-law]’s cell phone would roam/track him to locations in Hawaii?

Leaving the children without adequate means to contact you is improper and inappropriate. You should have left a list of hotels and contact numbers.

In the future leave proper contact information for the children on how to reach you when you are leaving them alone, or explicitly advise me (and the children) that I have full custody and supervision for that week, like when you or I go on holidays with them during the summer and our vacation time overlaps with the other parent’s normal custodial week. I am uncomfortable – no, I am very unhappy, distressed, and dissatisfied with the partial supervision and responsibility scenario that was left to me. There should have been a full hand-off of custody and responsibility for the children for the week in question, and an explicit arrangement for the week.

The children did not even have a written itinerary for your trip to know when you would be arriving home. You will leave a written itinerary in the future.

Further to the food issue (this write-up is partially chronological/narrative):

I went to the house to see how much food was left. I entered the house for a period of about 5 minutes to check the fridge, fridge freezer, lazy susan/corner cupboard, pantry cupboard, and downstairs freezer. Their distress, in the phone calls to me, at the possibility of running out of food put me in the position that I had to check in person. I also wanted to make sure that they were not just trying to score extra pizza and such from me. The children accompanied me throughout my few minutes in the house.

I provided some food for [Son]’s lunches and gave instructions on how they should stretch the food available at the house.

4) You did not leave them with instructions on how to handle emergencies that may have arisen. If there were a plumbing or furnace problem what would have been their action set? There was no instruction set, or plumbers to call, or even instructions to call your mother to deal with any situation.

Their response was that they would call me. I am uncomfortable with this. While I still own half the house and would have dealt with any crisis, in the past you have explicitly advised me that I am not welcome at the house.

I was uncomfortable with entering to check the food on this occasion, and felt uncomfortable with any other potential situation regarding the house. The children were at a loss at how to handle the situation regarding food. I provided them with support and guidance.

Addendum:

You even left your car unlocked with CDs and the broken computer inside it. After [Daughter] and [Son] expressed their concern about the car being unlocked, I gave the children instructions to lock the vehicle.

Future Handling:

In the future I expect better handling of such situations and of joint custody and management of the children and their interests. In this letter I have outlined my concerns and my expectations about how some of these issues should dealt with.

To date I have made my expectations known through verbal contact and in writing. The events described in this letter are of a seriousness that they require comment in writing. This is the second letter I have sent with regard to inappropriate parenting behaviour.

I expect you to parent appropriately. Your actions are not appropriate parenting. Your actions around your absence cause me grave concern.

I expect the issues raised in this letter to be addressed in the context of future travel arrangements.

[Cadbury]

weekend (18, 19, 20) part 2

i went home and showered after finishing at the gym and went to Smitten's place.

i had gotten tickets to a sex show - a trade show of sex stuff

there were seminars that looked interesting - and we had previously been to a few of the local sex shops and had been discussing lingerie, toys, and stuff for some time. i've bought lingerie but we hadn't moved past there much. we were researching other toys to see what might be a positive part of our sex life.

this show seemed like it would have all the stuff and many vendors in one place - as well as explanatory seminars that explained how this stuff is supposed to be used.

i have been reading always aroused girl for some time (years) and have been interested in her views and experiences as well. friends on VoyeurWeb and people in our blogging circle have also discussed their experiences.

and a couple of weeks ago i was teasing Smitten with a small hand vibrator i use for my neck and some pinpoint muscle work - and it got her going... and then some. she was surprised that it worked. she's generally a g-spot lady and hadn't experienced clitoral orgasms much.

so a show like this seemed timely

we went

we were intending to hit a seminar on glass toys to start with but got lost trying to find the seminar room and ended up near a stage where there was a demonstration of a bondage sheet and restraints - a kind of flannel sheet and velcro patches. it is supposed to be a "safe" bondage set-up because the person who is bound can always reach the velcro patches to free themselves - so it isn't "real" bondage. the demonstrator called for a volunteer and then was not especially gentle or considerate of the young woman who did the volunteering on a dare. he could have handled the whole thing much better. i didn't like the way it went - it unsettled me a lot. Smitten commented that someone who was into bondage wouldn't be that interested in the feelings of the submissive. i guess i'm not a dominator by nature...

[revision of above sentence to more accurately reflect Smitten's words and not my interpretive paraphrase - responding to AAG's comment on this post]
[i don't want to colour my views into what Smitten said and i guess i did make a blanket statement that wasn't fully accurate to the nuance of hers]
Smitten commented that he wasn't interested in her feelings. That what he was doing was all about him. That it was about him feeling powerful while doing the bondage demonstration.
[close revision]

the demonstration was a bit of a shocker for Smitten. it was in our first 5-6 minutes there and here was this twit being really pretty disrespectful to this poor volunteer.

it unsettled both of us and it took a little while to get past it. Smitten was also a little unsettled by all the naked women (porn queen style) on the packaging - again not a soothing or elegant context. especially when the show was marketed as "sophisticated" and "non-threatening". i'm not a porn-queen style guy either. my tastes are for real women. not fake hollywood or plastic body porn-queen style.

softness and roundness and real curves and real slopes. i still have a hard time getting Smitten to belive that i like "mature" breasts with their slope and shape and "sag" (her word - not mine) more than plastic surgery altered types.

anyway - we were pleased to see the prices were substantially less than in the local stores (which we thought were kind of overpriced when we visited them).

after a bit we found our way to the seminar room and sat through a sexologist (PHD) talking about long term relationships and sex. wandered a little more and attended a few more seminars. got pretty comfortable with things and enjoyed looking at what there was and asking: is this something i'm interested in? we might be interested in?

we bought some stuff. a couple of different vibrators - a mini-one and a larger one and some lubricant and stuff. we were both somewhat hesitant around the whole deal, but willing to experiment and just see if something appealed - were ready to toss or put aside that which did not work out.

well, that night it worked out pretty well - some pretty mind blowing orgasms all 'round

after some discussion of things we chose to go back to the show on Sunday and pick up a glass toy. I leapt in and it turned out to be some glass toys. 3 of them (more is better - remember the beer? only this involves sex - even better). Smitten had been intrigued by a discussion by one of the presenters about liking the smoothness of the glass - and the fact that they can be warmed.

the feel of the lubricant (tangerine flavour... not bad from my perspective) was quite appealing to Smitten and in combination with the smoothness of the glass was quite intense in its result when we tried things out.

Smitten was quite pleased with the differences in style shape and texture that i had chosen in addition to her choice.
----

i am finishing writing the above and am starting to feel not 100% comfortable with writing it

don't know why

i'm relatively open about sexuality. i suspect it's the same reason i was in a bit of a panic for the first while at the show with Smitten. I have been beaten over the head for having sexual desire - being a man and all - and for being interested in exploration - the above would have been "perverted" in my marriage. It certainly was when i tried to broach the subject and purchased a vibrator one time while married.

i sit here and wonder why trying to ensure my partner has more pleasure and erotic stimulation and even more orgasms is potentially a bad thing...

there is a part of me that says: why discuss this on the blog?

i guess because it is new. i'm working my way through this just like other stuff. going to this show and being open about sexuality ended up with a number of positive results.

1) sex every day without erection difficulties (also a good argument for not discussing the kids or the stbx - because the first time i had trouble was thursday night after son's 8:36am phone call)
2) Smitten having even more multiple orgasms
3) Getting past the taboo and hesitance of discussing desire. and desire for given kinds of stimulation and sensation

a benefit for Smitten - she did not previously, um, engage in, um, autoerotic activity. tried it once in her life. didn't work for her. didn't try it again.

after the whole sort of orgasm and sex weekend she discovered she was still way turned on. In fact on monday she was finding the fog of desire to be too much. she actually left work early and went to try things out on her own. she asked me if the fog was what it was like to be a teenaged boy.

anyway - holy doodle - is the reported results

she also discovered (courtesy of a little hook shaped finger vibrator called "finger fun") that she can have clitoral orgasms.

the next night when we were together we spent a lot of time exploring her clitoris and its sensitivities together. which we hadn't done to that date - because she is a G-spot lady and that's where i put my focus. and now i have two special places to address with loving attention.

good for me - good for her - good for us

exploring new avenues and expressions of sexuality

so why am i writing this down?

getting it straight in my head.

it has had an impact on our relationship and has changed it - i think very much for the better

if i hadn't read some of AAG's writings, and read some of the stuff on voyeurweb, and Lara's discussions over the years, and SignGurl's discussion about attending one of those home parties, Smitten and I wouldn't have arrived here.

so i'm sharing. i hope it's not crossing any boundaries of propriety, but I don't think so. we are all adults. i believe we've all discussed that we like sex.

that's our experience

weekend (18, 19, 20) part 1

the previous weekend (18, 19, 20) was a good weekend

on friday evening i was a little cranky with Smitten from the request to have a stbx and child issues free weekend. this was also after the not coming to my apartment because she felt that it had negative energy and that it jangled and disrupted her.

i did my best to let it go, and succeeded for the most part.

i drove the kids to the house (their mother was still not back yet). i packed some food for them so they would have enough until their mother came home.

smitten had asked me to come to her house. she had prepared a meal for us, and i had picked up some wine and some beer.

why so much for one evening?

a choice. she had made some chicken tikka - a spicy indian chicken dish. i had proposed bringing wine. she wanted white to go with an almost all vegetable and light fair. i had told her about one of the stbx's uncle's (and aunt [now deceased]) who did a wine and cheese supper for the two of them every (almost) friday night. Smitten liked the idea and decided she would do our version of low fat and vegetable finger foods and wine - white wine.

but she prefers red. so i chose to get a red too - in case she happened to just on a whim change her preference and want something different (oops - there's some fear and programming from the last 20 years that needs to be lost) - and it's not like we won't end up drinking it anyway. and then i decided that if she was doing the chicken tikka i should get beer - she likes beer (so she might want that instead of her stated preference - you never know she might change on a whim... [programming]) - and indian food goes down well with indian beer - but they had no indian beer at the liquor store i was at, so i decided that another light tasting very smooth beer would substitute well: Brahma Beer found here and here. not that it matters much. but while it's a non-substantial beer (and i usually like a LOT of flavour) it works with indian food.

and i made sure i was covered in case i hadn't done something that would make the evening work... because if she was stating an unhappiness with something in the relationship it must mean something is about to blow - right? (there's that programming again)

so i also brought some rye crackers and some spiced cream cheese (and something else i can't remember). because i had done nothing to make the evening and i'm the one that makes everything - right? if i don't put any effort into it then i'm not interested enough and i'll get in shit - right? (programming)

it was a lovely evening. the crackers were of use because she didn't have as many as she thought she did at her place, but the rest went in the fridge. we had a beer each with the chicken and drank the white wine with the rest.

i was able to submerge kid and stbx issues and my resentment about the kid discussion free and the not coming to my apartment thing. we had a wonderful evening together.

the next day she had some stuff to do. i went to work out. i would have normally cut it short to match her time frames but i was a little pissed about the apartment and kid stuff - i had it under control, but i went to tell a short story that morning and she cut me off because it related tangentially to the stbx - so i pulled a passive aggressive. i had only said that i would see her after i finished working out. and that i would go work out while she was at her meeting. so i decided fuck her. i'm doing a full work-out instead of shortening it. if she can ask for and demand what she wants - so can i. so i did. 2 hours instead of 1. about 2.5 hours from when i had left her.

i had pushed it to the edge of politeness, and was feeling a little guilty (i knew what kind of anxiety leaving her dangling would cause her). i called her from the club floor phone when i was done working out but before i headed to the locker room. she asked if i had gotten her message on my cell. i said no. i played the situation straight. i told her i had done a full workout and was calling her even before i left the club floor. she said that she had left a message that expressed some anxieties and i should ignore it.

all of which i know is a real prick thing for me to do, but i was hurt and didn't know how to express it. still don't. i understand her point. but i have my own view. but i don't want to hurt her. and i haven't figured out how to say what i need to say, and to express my own feelings of being caught in a pincer of time obligation. i assured her that i didn't ignore calls because of being pissed off - which was technically true... (yeah - i know - lying shithead). which - for the record - i wouldn't have done, and don't do. I occasionally don't take my Dad's calls when he has called me a gazillion times a day - and i'm in a meeting or something - but not in some fit of pique.

so i passive agressived it (to coin a verb)

i checked my cell phone in the locker room. she had called 4 times. there was a message from her saying that she was worried that i was mad because of the morning and not taking her calls because of what she had said.

interruption of the story: Smitten called me while I was writing this. while i was writing the section about not knowing how to express any of my ideas about what she said.

the conversation flowed into it, so i talked a bit about how i felt about what she had said and done.

i told her that i wasn't cleaning my place for her. that i was cleaning it to the level that i wanted, and when i want. that her statements and actions are always in the back of my head, but that i am actively splitting on this.

that i am motivated to not take a few breaks or leave some stuff because i want an accelerated timeline on the physical order i desire - because of her statements and feelings - but that i was consciously not meeting my view of her expectations. that i was only doing things to the level of my own desires. that her coming to my place again was her own decision. that i would not invite her. that it would be entirely her decision to come or not. just like the decision not to come over.

that i would treat it in the same manner as if she had said "i need the comfort and security of my own walls" sometime when she'd had a bad week or day. that it would be like me saying "i don't feel like going out because i'm too rattled and pissy to have to deal with anyone else. or stupid people in a bar". that i would treat it as a transitory mood thing - and not a judgement.

not spoken: because if i invited her back on the basis of "is it acceptable to you now", or even allowed myself to think "now maybe it's to her standards" - then i would hate her.

i told her that i would continue as best i could to split all of the issues involved so that they would not intertwine to create some headspace filled with paranoid resentment.

she started to choke up when i told her how i was dealing with the situation and said that she hadn't thought about how her statements or expression of need would affect me.

how it might make me feel

that it was only meant to be about her here and now - and that she hadn't considered the larger or longer term implications of what she asked or said. or it's potential historical interleaving.

i said that i understood why she had said what she did. and agreed with why she needed what she needed. i read her Sicilian's comment "Mr. C. . . I choose to read what you write. . . it is overwhelming for me. . . . STBX wants to create chaos. . . maybe Smitten would just like to have a little downtime from STBX issues. . . Ciao"

i told her that many of you have expressed that even just reading my stuff can be emotional and overwhelming. so living it is a steep demand to make of her.

i just still have some feelings. that i am still resolving.

she had to go to make it to the library by 6 pm. so we ended the call. i underlined that the call was not ending on a bad note - that it was just to enforce her making it by 6.

...to be continued

[now it's time for me to go home. it's 6:05 pm and i have kids and exercise waiting]

8:36am phone call

(looooong post warning)

i get a call at work yesterday morning

it's my son

he's crying

he's crying almost uncontrollably - deep and heavy sobs

he's telling me that no matter how hard he tries that he keeps ending up being late for school and that he's been late almost every day in the last three weeks and he's going to get kicked out of his class because they have a school rule that when you have 15 lates you are suspended from the class

he says that no matter what he does he just can't get there on time. he just can't get any assignments done. that he can't seem to do anything.

he's with his mother this week - so he's at the house

i told him i would come straight over

i went to the office manager and told her i was leaving for a family emergency. and that we were going to have to revisit start times because my son was going to be kicked out of school for lates. that they could fire me if they didn't like it, but that the 8am wasn't working. that we had to figure out something. that my kids had to come first. i said i didn't need anything final right now, but that we would talk about it when i got back. she agreed.

on the way home i called the school principal and told him i would calling him later to talk about son's attendance. lates, and classes. he was able to pull it up immediately on the computer and advised me that son only had 13 lates (really more, but the teacher must have been kind). i explained the situation and the state son was in. some of the causes and some of the stresses son is under at his mother's place. he already knew some of it from previous conversations i have had with him and others at the school. i told him that we would need to figure out how to deal with the situation. he said that he knew i would get son to school as soon as i could, and that they would help in any way possible. and that they would handle son with kid gloves because of the state he was in.

i arrived at the house at 8:49am. daughter was leaving for school (out the back gate into the schoolyard). she told me he had been just sitting on his bed crying for over an hour.

i went into the house and down to his room.

i felt like an intruder. the unwelcome screamed at me. my child was in the basement and he needed me.

i wondered what would happen if his mother came home. i wondered what her reaction would be... what her freak-out would be... what i would say. i felt fear.

i went down.

he was in his room. the room used to be my office. its about 9 ft by 12 ft. off in the corner of the unfinished part of the basement (4 level split). off the laundry/utility room and storage area.

i don't like what they've done. she painted the walls a burgundy red. she pulled up the carpet and there is just black painted concrete on the floor. his mattress and boxspring is sitting on the floor (small area rug under it) with no bedframe. he has his stereo (he bought it himself with money he earned telephone canvassing during the election - about $550 he was so proud [when he went to buy it he had just enough money for the unit - he forgot about taxes... he was so dejected. i paid the taxes]). he has a wooden open shelf and he recently put a piece of smooth top particle board on top of a cardboard box to make a coffee table sort of thing. there is one window. it is not a good room. i know. i spent a lot of time in it.

with no lights on, the grey cloudy morning sky, the red walls and painted black concrete floor (with its cracks), no baseboards or trim - it looks like the kind of place a drug addict would live (contrast this with the 2 times she's remodeled and refurnished daughter's room).

or someone down and out

i should know

i've been there

he was wrapped in his blanket sitting in the middle of the bed crying miserable choking quiet sobs. i took of my outdoor coat and sat down next to him on the bed back against the wall. i reached out and pulled him to me. i held his head on my shoulder and stroked his hair and face. his hair was sweaty hot/cold. he was fully dressed and ready to go to school.

after holding him for awhile and letting him cry and calm down i asked him what was up.

he told me that he had missed the bus a bunch of times and had arrived to school late. that he tried really hard but kept missing it. that he would then walk to school (1.3 miles [thanks google]). he hustles, but he got there about 5 minutes late each day.

that he keeps having these assignments mount up. we've discussed this before. it's a french math class and the teacher is one of those homework assignment a day people. that assignment a day - math - which he does not excel at - math in french... - including calculus and stuff - that assignment a day just killed son. he saw a new failure stack up every day. a new rock in the pack every day. the pile of undone and the weight of the accumulated drove him down.

he says he can't sleep.

that he can't do anything. he's so tired all the time. he's so tired he has no motivation to do anything. that he wants to do stuff SO BAD. but he just can't get it together. so he just lies down. but he can't sleep. and when he does sleep that he can't wake up. that he can't get moving. that he pushes himself with everything he's got in the morning because he knows he has to go, but just can't keep it together to get there in time. he wants to drop that first class. he tells me that he has no friends. that his friends don't call him back anymore. that he has no real interest in anything at school. that while his classes are OK there is nothing that excites him like his multi-media classes from other semesters - even his computer science is pure programming - learning formula calculation and such - visual basic (a language that sucks, to be sure).

he doesn't know what to do

he dies a little before my eyes each time he says

"i'm so tired"

i hold him. i stroke his hair.

i'm still afraid of what might happen if his mother showed up. sometimes she does if she's out to one of her company's offices that's in our area. she'll use the bathroom at home on the way.

i resolve myself to give her a blast from hell. to tell her to call the police if she has a problem.

i tell son that he has three options.

he can die

he can continue to spiral downward in the same path he's on

or he can change

i tell him that in his current state he probably has no idea of what change to effect to make the changes. that i don't want to tell him what to do, but that i will offer some ideas on things to do.

that i want him to come to my gym with me to work out because we need to fix his sleep and his physical state. that i'll pay his membership fees at the gym - that we can see if daughter can somehow get in too (minimum age at gym) so we can all go together.

that sleep is the most important. that he needs to consider staying with me for the next 3 weeks straight (normally would be me/her/me) so that he can have refuge and sleep - that always being ready to battle or defend or even avoid is exhausting. and that he needs to be able to just sleep (remember - she has woken him up to bag at him just like she did with me).

i will change his diet. fat and carbs contribute to depression and lack of motivation - that while he eats healthily at my place he will need to eat healthily at his mother's instead of the prepared foods. that if i have to i will provide him with meals he can prepare himself and eat. eat better.

that we'll get him to talk to a school counsellor - that i already called the school and have them begin the preparation of a new course plan that will still get him his multi-media and french baccalaureate (first 2 years of a 3 year tech school multi-media course done in high school [free] - 15K tuition each year in tech school). that we can see about dropping the class first thing in the morning.

that if he wants to go out with some friends i will fund it. that if he wants to make some new friends i will fund outings. that if he wants to take art or something (he says he wants to take ninjitsu) to look forward to - i will fund it.

i told him he needed to go to counselling and that no matter what his mom said he was going to go - that we would find one that would take him without both parents' signature. that we would shop around until we found one that fit him. that he wanted to see.

we talked for a bit, and i told him that he needed to get his shit together so he could go to school. and that we would solve things once we were there.

we went over. he got there in time for a 20 minute break they have in the morning at 10:30 - so it wasn't straight into a class. i stopped by the office and talked to the vice-principal who had been briefed by the principal. we arranged for son to see the school counsellor - who is both a teacher and a registered counsellor (Masters in Psychology). I authorised son dropping his class if it was determined that would be best. I asked that they discuss an academic plan for son - but gently - to help him get his other assignments in.

i told him son is depressed. explained more details of the situation. discussed the pressure cooker that is life with his mother - in addition to the stress of the separation/divorce. asked if he had ever been depressed (said no - but that his wife was social worker and he had a good idea of what it does to people). explained the personal health and exercise program i was undertaking with son.

that they build a plan for him to accomplish what he wants to do. you see, because there are limited amount of french immersion classes and some are only taught in some semesters, he needs to be careful with his scheduling. add to that the multi-media courses - again only offered in certain semesters - and you have a scheduling nightmare. to me at least. they assured me they would make it work - and work with son's limitations and issues - especially his issues around deadlines - he doesn't meet them well. does great work - knows his work - knows his curriculum - can explain it all verbally (i've been pushing for a modified curriculum for him for years - with verbal exams and such) - lousy with deadlines (sound familiar...?).

i left to return to the office.

and survived the day.

in the afternoon i called our workplace's family assistance unit and asked for referrals and if it would pay for the counselling. he said no - not without both signatures (this is the same guy i dealt with for my counselling). he said he would double check on son - because he is 16. he still gave me names of counsellors that might apply for both children.

i called them and asked for call backs.

i called son after school and told him that i wanted him to come to the gym with me that night. i set him up with a guest membership (1 week trial).

i went and signed up at a special clinic in town where you can get counselling for free (not a lot of people know about it) - but they only have one counsellor. but i thought that even if i couldn't afford the other counsellors - at least i'd have one option... my mom (actually both my mom and dad) have gone to see this counsellor - it's a co-op clinic that has some special designations and funding (set up/founded by my parents [and others] in the '60s during our big fight and doctor's strike over establishing full medicare)

as i left i called Smitten to make arrangements for the evening. as we were talking son called to confirm that we would go at 5:30 instead of 7.

i was telling her that i didn't think we would get together that evening because i was pretty wrapped up in family issues and that they would be on my mind and she had said she didn't want to have to grind through that. she said - no - she only meant the weekend as a hiatus.

we agreed to get together later for supper. then i got the brainstorm that i would write up a consent letter for each of the kids and tell them that it was their job to bully their mother into signing it. because they would win. she would fight me to the end, but not them.

and that's what i did.

picked son up for our work-out and went for just over an hour

gave the letters of consent to son after the work-out

he told me that his mother had arrived home minutes before i came to pick him up. she had given him grief about going out with me to exercise - told him that he never spent any time with her or shared his life with her - but then told him he was overweight and could use some exercise. he told her about the consequences of the day - dropped class, changes to future scheduling, wanting/needing to see a counsellor, having anxiety attacks - and she asked him that if he was having anxiety attacks why wasn't he seeing a counsellor? he said that arrangements had been made - she was pretty snotty about it being me making the arrangements. he then left.

anyway - he went inside

i went to see Smitten

we went for dinner

when we got back to her place i essentially collapsed

i was exhausted

the day had taken everything i had

i'm picking the kids up in about 20 minutes

"The Image of Men in Pornography: Man-as-Raging-Beast"

I would like to share with you an article I just found:

The Image of Men in Pornography: Man-as-Raging-Beast//The Uncelebrated Beauty of Men's Sexuality. A Reality-Check

It is by Shere Hite, author of "The Hite Reports".

good quotes:

"What about the other sexual states that men experience which are not seen in porno? Are men as singularly mechanical and aggressive 'by nature' as they are depicted? Society has tried to insist that a real man should 'get hard' at will, whenever 'appropriate', meaning in a private situation with a reproductively-aged female, but it is impossible to will an erection into being. In truth, the penis is a delicate part of the male being, one that responds with exquisite sensitivity to every nuance of emotion a man can feel. Erections come and go in men, during sex and during sleep. Most men report that it is desire they seek, not the mechanical means of orgasm or creating erection. Desire and arousal are the pleasures that spread through the body; orgasm, after all, can be attained alone during masturbation."

"most men do not allow themselves to explore the various feelings they wish to express during sex with a partner, especially a female partner, but instead try to follow as 'perfectly' as possible, the reproductive scenario depicted in most pornography. Our sexual acts have been channeled into too limited a form of expression; sex could be more interesting if it was not always focused on one scenario: 'foreplay' followed by 'penetration', the high point being 'fucking', coitus or 'the act'."

I disagree with an implied fact in one statement:

"How do men feel about how they are depicted as treating women in pornography and about the violence to women shown in most pornography? Most men feel perplexed, and wonder why this can excite them. Although pornography frequently denigrates women - showing women beaten, black and blue, and so on -- and liking it - it also denigrates men, cheapening and brutalizing their sensibilities, destroying their possibility of personal sexual discovery, implanting clichés such as 'a real man is the one with the biggest, hardest erection', and so on, blocking their power to express themselves with others."

While pornography does frequently denigrate women, there is an implication of physical violence and beating in the sentence above that is not entirely accurate. The emotional violence, and the power imbalance violence in pornography is entirely there, but i do not believe that physical violence depictions are that common. If the line were: "even to the extent of showing women beaten, black and blue, and so on" I would be happier.

Otherwise, and in intent, it is a brilliantly written paragraph.

Thought you might be interested in the article.

difference

had a bit of a difference with Smitten last week

She has asked for space. Not from me, but space from my stbx. Space from my kids' issues. Space from the chaos.

To not discuss stbx or any effects she may have on me now. The turmoil surrounding the kids. The crap.

I was a little put out.

She told me when we started dating that she would tell me if it ever became too much.

She did.

She told me she didn't want to spend time together at my place. That it was no longer a place of comfort or refuge for her. That it was disquieting and jangled her.

This came after she asked me to spend more time with her. That she was finding our week on/week off situation to be hard for her on the week off (when we each have kids) - that she wanted to find a way to inject some more time together in that week as well.

I was pretty angry.

I have neglected my exercise to spend more time with her (and to be there for my kids when they needed me).

I have neglected my housekeeping. When we first started dating we didn't often get together until after we had eaten. She had other events and activities going on in her life - I had time to clean and do dishes. She recently made a comment to me that she didn't want to just come and watch me do dishes at my place - I gave up doing housework when she was around.

When I have the kids they eat up a huge portion of my time - just talking and guiding and helping them filter their lives.

I have a very demanding job that demands a lot of overtime right now.

My job standing has been damaged by my attention and involvement with my kids.

I am often too tired to clean-up or do dishes and things. I make most of my kids meals as well.

I am bugged that trying to attend to other people's emotional well being has resulted in my apartment looking like a war zone, my girlfriend not wanting to spend time in said apartment, and me feeling like being there for people just ends up with me getting the short end of the stick

of my neglecting myself suddenly becoming an issue

i'm bugged that the issues have come to the fore because i don't have enough time for myself and then she asks for a bigger piece of me

----

anyway

it's a little settled right now - it was a good weekend except for one bit

i understand the need to stop

i was exhibiting co-dependent style behaviour

stbx's antics caused the kids to get in a flap, the kids are already in a flap - and i just got sucked right into the swirl - didn't even really need to have contact with the stbx to have her reach out and touch me

i just ate it up

i started engaging fully in the bullshit. it was pretty much all i talked about - with smitten - my kids' stuff...

i recognised it myself and resented the intrusion of my kids onto MY life. that's part of the reason i didn't go apeshit to have them stay at my place. let them fucking learn how it all works out when they want to rely on their mother - saw how that worked out now, hey?

but i can imagine being around me was like being in an endless conversation with the stbx

if i could demand stbx let things go when we were still together (which she didn't)

if i could ask stbx to just stop talking about it

then i could let things go (never ask what you are unwilling to give)

just stop talking about it

for awhile

even if Smitten's request did stick in my craw more than a bit

concert

my friend B - the one who Daughter talked to in the last post - her band was playing last night

it was a three band line-up of weird artsy bands - two local, one touring

B plays in an experimental techno/ambient band

anyway - daughter wanted to go. it was ostensibly an all ages gig. it was at a local club - an actual club - members sign-in and all. there are different liquor laws here for private member clubs than for regular liquor licenses. the most notable is that in private clubs - which are often cultural (German, Austrian, Romanian, Ukrainian [2 of them], Caribbean, etc) - retail liquor can be sold in the presence of minors accompanied by parents. it can also happen in restaurants with food purchases, but not lounges - or straight beverage rooms. blah, blah, blah

this venue is a "cultural club" that is an "arts and culture" club (not ethnic) that is dedicated to bringing in live music and experimental arts performances.

bottom line - daughter legally got to go to the bar (with me) at age 12...

and see live bands

and dance in a club on a dance floor (such as there is there - it's a big room in an old converted warehouse)

you know - the artsy/college-lots-of-women-dancing-by-themselves-all-artsy-like scene

many a white dude with dreadlocks, many a peasant skirt and torn jeans worn over leggings, and big bangley jewelry and scarves and such

a lot of people taking trips outside and coming back in smelling a little "odd"

surprise - we ran into the guy that niece M (mentioned in last post and others) used to live with. who just got back from Hawaii from travelling with niece M and the others... he's a white guy with dreadlocks, um, mellow dude so he was pleased to see us and friendly. he didn't have any issues from the break-up.

i knew a lot of the young people there. i was surprised. but i guess i do hang out with that sort of crowd on the periphery - having been inside of it (no dreads, though) when i was younger, and still knowing and being involved with artsy/lefty/granola crunching types now.

i've never fit completely well into the crowd - i was a little too red meat eating, and a little too realistic and goal oriented (and not snottily pretentious) for those folks (in my time [and now])- and these young people.

also, some of them used to work for me (or were in teams led/directed by me), or for my peer group before the election - some others who weren't in government still work for friends of mine

daughter was pleased as punch. felt right at home. drank her Dr. Pepper. stayed close, but talked to all the people who came by to say hi. i think many were surprised to see me there, and i think just came over to check out why i was there - they seemed genuinely happy to see me - but still curious

friend B was thrilled we came to visit - met her dad there as well

daughter said as we were on our way there "you know - this is the first band, or concert like this i will have ever been to see" - not quite true, but she was 4 or 5 years old for the last one...

she was buzzed

it's where she wants to be

the culture she wants to be a part of

she has said before, and said it again last night

that she wants to leave behind the "goody-two-shoes" pleaser personality that she adopted to curry favour with her mother, aunt, grandmother, and teachers

she says she feels she hid her true self

we'll see whom this young woman is and becomes

daughter's dinner engagement...

Daughter(12) has told me she is bi-sexual. She's been saying this for some time (openly to me for over a year). I thought I had mentioned it before on the blog, but word search on bi-sexual only turned up the hot-tub sally stories...

so - daughter is bi-sexual.

she hasn't mentioned this to her extremely homophobic mother. she's hinted, but not said it. her mother spazzed even when daughter hinted that someone in the family might be bi-sexual or homosexual.

daughter has told lots of other people, but not her mother's family - or rather her mother's generation of that family. she has told her cousins.

daughter has been dealing with this. she has told her friends in school and is pretty open about it. most of the kids in her grade are fine with it, including her friends whom she has sleepovers with and such. she is only attracted to one girl in her class - and then only physically

i have tried to be supportive and sensitive

daughter says she has known for sure for the last 2-3 years that she is attracted to women. i have known since she was less than 2 years old - i have seen her interest in women's bodies and in sexuality since that age - call it intuition, but i just knew. i didn't put full voice to my thoughts to anyone over the years. i told the stbx (when daughter was around 2 years old) that i thought that daughter had a profound interest in women's bodies. the stbx agreed and then took the step (unnecessary in my opinion) to hide her body from her daughter... much like she did when son was about the same age.

for the record - my mom, whom i consider a little prudish, didn't really start covering up until we were teenagers (in perspective - not that prudish). i have never seen much value in false modesty. proper decorum in sexuality - absolutely - but being all uptight about parts or somebody seeing something... is not where my head is at.

----

anyway, daughter (gr 6) encountered a girl in her school who is about a year and a bit older than her (2 grades) whom she "likes". she has been hanging out with her even if they haven't gone any further than that.

some of the grade 8 kids (the grade of the friend) have been hassling them calling them "lovers" and such. the other girl has an openly stated bi-sexual preference as well.

daughter didn't know how to handle the harassment

in this i am of limited assistance from my experience set

so i called my friend B (~26 yrs old), a lesbian, whom I had been intending to set daughter up with for some time to talk to, and asked her if she could talk to daughter about this. i told B that i wanted someone whom i could morally trust to talk to daughter. B was blown away that i would do this as a parent. i guess i didn't think it was that big a deal. but i was never gay. so maybe.

i gave daughter $40.00 and they went out for dinner last night. B picked her up at 5pm and they went to an afghan place in town that i had recently taken the kids to, but B had not been to yet. i am told they had a wide ranging discussion and daughter was pleased when she came home. she did not report out their discussion - a couple of stories and snippets - and i didn't ask.

B offered to be available as a resource and a friend to daughter. i was happy she did that. it's a lifeline - daughter won't feel so alone.

i hope this helps daughter cope with her burgeoning sexuality. daughter still plans on having kids, so i should still end up a grandparent on both sides :-)

----

interesting other tidbits to the story:

• B used to live with J. J worked in my office. B and J were the lesbians i have mentioned in the past that the stbx accused me of having an affair with (both at the same time)


• B is in a band, works for our biggest local music festival organization, wears very funky fashions, and also plays the double bass (classical). daughter has said she wants to play double bass for a couple of years now. B offered to give her a free set of intro lessons (among other things B teaches at the conservatory).


• B is a vegan (as much as she can be here in the middle of cattle country - she's not freaky about her veganism) - we have traded many recipes


• B actually dates guys sometimes. i didn't know. she just prefers women because she finds most guys dufuses [dufi?] (Smitten actually agreed with that description of most guys)


• B is good friends with my oldest niece (the artist one who gave me the, um, organics a couple of years back) - i just searched for links on the blog and discovered i missed some important updates about my relationship with my niece (stbx's sister's daughter)

B thinks daughter should tell her mother about daughter being bi-sexual. B thinks daughter should do it for herself - in order to claim her own identity. while i consider the intent valid - i have concerns about her mother's response (surprise!)

i agree daughter needs to be true to herself - she just needs to have thought through the consequences and be prepared for them ahead of time.

----

anyway

bi-sexual 12 year old daughter with adolescent sexuality issues - talking about boys and about girls in the same sentence

there isn't much of a handbook on this one - for me anyway

i admit to still having a few (negative) tickles in my head around gay male issues - but i'm a product of my age, i guess.

i want grandkids, but daughter always wanted kids (and son) so i wasn't worried - i figured daughter would find a way no matter how anything worked out. so... if i get grandkids - my needs are met (at least i'm up front with my selfishness). i'm fine with another woman being daughter's life partner and co-parent if that's what works out.

i'm completely OK with the whole lesbian and bi-sexual thing. i actually agree that women's bodies are way more interesting and attractive than guys

in fact i've never really figured out why women are attracted to men - but that's another day's discussion

but i still never really thought this one through

never modeled it in my head - so it seems a little strange and a little weird as i go through it as a parent

inside game

why did I leave the kids there for the remainder of the week?

after the inspection of the house and ascertaining how much food was present. after leaving the time bombs of the contacts with the stbx's mother and the messages on brother-in-law's cell phone. after deciding how much imminent danger they were really in, especially with me being 3 blocks away and in essentially instant contact. after deciding whether i felt they would deal with an extreme emergency well enough (eg: fire).

i had to decide what i wanted out of this. what would be the best outcome? for me - and for the kids.

would it actually harm the kids to be on their own barring things like a fire?

it would not

but what it would do is underline the irresponsibility of their mother's actions. it would make them feel anxious and abandoned by their mother. i would be there whenever they called, so they would not be alone or feel abandoned by me. my mom also called (independently of my interaction) and offered help if they needed it.

also - remember - they requested to be on their own as well - so they were feeling unsupported by their mother when things started to go sideways. i was there the moment they called. the kids would/will/do interpret my actions as supportive and caring.

it may be irresponsible of me in the short term to have left them there alone - i considered vetoing, but chose not to. i believe that the larger good can be found in getting my children away from their mother on a long term basis. they will have to agree to this - both morally and by law. i cannot force it unless she is neglectful in the extreme.

they would end a week of uncertainty with their arrival at my place - warm, comfortable (a little cramped), and fed. they would open the fridge and there would be food.

and the atmosphere would be soothing and comforting.

this is a long game

daughter had to learn what a whack-job her mother is by exposure for the year - and now she is calling things the way she sees them.

the kids had to understand what and whom they could count on

they had to learn that while their mother told them to call her every day that they were away on vacation with me, that she didn't call even once while they were alone (yes - i underlined that).

as for child protective services - Chris is there - he is 18. the stbx is within a legal safe zone. yes - i checked with the head of child protection services for the province (known to me through politics).

i do not know whether i played into her manipulative games.

i let her make choices. i let the children make choices. i let them go until they reached their inevitable conclusion. i documented. i interpreted events for my children in the light that i felt they should be interpreted. i involved her family by bringing her irresponsibility to light.

i have not delivered the letter to her. she is still gone and will be until the 19th. i am following Smitten's advice on sending it only through the lawyer.

every time i rush in and fix one of her mistakes it only covers for her. it's like cleaning up an alcoholic when they pass out. by rushing in and rescuing i would be enabling further disfunction.

it has to reach crisis level before the kids will react and make their choices

the stbx is close to the edge right now - this incident will be substantial in destabilising her further. i am rather cruelly allowing her disfunction to continue and grow in order to achieve my ends. i have patched things over for too long. by simply allowing her to fail, and by illustrating those failures publicly to her universe of people she will crack

at some point the children will be fed up and will choose to leave.

i suspect that this incident and the legal moves i am making on the property front will be about all she can take. the children believe she in close to a breakdown. i trust their observations.

history has already shown that nothing will change until a crisis precipitates it