can has job?

i start on monday

Smitten was looking for a job and saw one she thought would work for me (the government runs the largest jobs website in the province - it was on there)

i mostly sloughed getting my shit together, but managed to get my resume into some semblance of order and fired it off. i really didn't believe in myself enough to think i could get the job.

but i did

in fact the people interviewing me were more worried about me deciding to bolt for a higher paid job after 6 months than anything else

it's worth $45K a year - they started me at the 1 year increment. it's about $5K less than my last job and is less than i want to be making at this time - $60K-$70K, but i haven't finished my certificate

and beggars can't be choosers

there were a few other jobs that i was applying for that would have paid more, but this job has better happiness/satisfaction characteristics

the other jobs would have seen me as a cpg in a large machine/team chained to my desk slogging through code and website development stuff

instead i will be the (singular) computer dude at a medical clinic. they have 7 doctors and around 40 staff. it is the clinic that was the flashpoint for the creation of modern medicare in canada. my parents were among the founders of the clinic, and were founding board members. my history and lineage played a limited role in me getting the job, mostly because it spoke to my existing commitment to the philosophy of the clinic.

it's a very progressive clinic (it's actually a membership co-op) - they additionally have 2 nurse practitioner, physiotherapists, exercise therapists/coaches, dietitians, counseling services, a pharmacy, in-house lab, blah, blah, blah. the clinic is directly funded by the department of health - it is almost like a hospital in its standing. it is the place where lots of new ideas about how to practice medicine in an integrated care (primary health care teams) environment gets tested. the doctors (GPs) are on salary not paid on fee for service (most of the specialists in the province are also on salary with the health region - one of the big complaints from doctors here is that they want to be doctors not business people or accountants - so we are SLOWLY moving toward a salaried structure for most doctors)

(while most health care is publicly funded, hospitals [inside of health regions] and some clinics are directly financed by the government. outside of that doctors open up fee for service clinics/practices owned by them and operate them as businesses - the billing goes to the government for payment. the fee schedule is negotiated between the department of health and the provincial medical association. extra-billing is banned in canada [even though there are pushes at the edge of that rule all over the place as the right-wing tries to get rid of medicare])

this clinic also has programs surrounding FASD and some other stuff as well.

i will also be the privacy officer - that was the clincher on why they wanted me for the job. having an extensive background in privacy and data security, as well as full understanding of and capability to execute the development process for policy and subsequent procedure - as well as being a good writer - made them wet their pants

in this hyper-political province, i had only viewed my political involvement and experience as a negative. in this case it worked for me.

i will also be the security/alarm system guy and the building/site manager - well, actually, the liaison with the building managers/owners (rented facility)

i'm excited by the privacy stuff

across canada there are various chunks of privacy legislation phasing into effect now and over the next few years - organisations have been given substantial compliance periods in order to develop policy and practice to adhere to the laws and regulation - much of the work surrounds computer data

(i am thinking that if i do well in the job that it will be a swell meal ticket to higher priced jobs. having a person able to bridge law/policy and computers is not a usual find in the computer industry)

we have an agreement that i will be able to finish my schooling and can have time off during the day (flex hours) to attend classes if i cannot get one that is outside hours or distance education.

they were worried that they could not provide me with enough excitement in my work compared to my previous jobs (politics and my business). i had to assure them i was not lookingfor excitement, and that having less stress and therefore the opportunity to finish my education was my desire. i assured them that it would be at least 2 years until i finished my certificate through part-time study, and i would probably spend a year after that getting a few other certifications. so they were good for that time period at least.

on a private level - i like the fact that i will be the only computer guy. my own niche. my own office. my own deal - that no-one else will understand what i do - and will be a little afraid of the magic computer guy... no-one riding me or biting my ass - i get to get up and wander around - see how peoples' stuff is doing, and also retreat to my own private/personal server room and office sub-complex.

it works for me

i get off the dole from my parents

i pay my own way

i still finish my education

"Blow, wind. Come wrack. At
least we'll die with harness
on our back."
- MACBETH, Act 5, Scene 5

(harness = plate armour [ergo - die fighting])

a few hours later

after a substantial amount of uncontrollable weeping (i'm alone, thankfully) i have regained my equilibrium.

i'm really quite inconsolable about my son deciding to drop out of school

him finishing school was my reason to be - my mission in life until the end of June

now he won't be

he won't be graduating

he won't walk across the stage

he will have dropped out

----

i was so angry with son that i was ready to kick him out

tell him to not come back

----

i was ready to pack his bags and throw them off the balcony (4 floors) and let son and the buddy that lives in his car come get them

----

i was going to phone and cut off his cell phone

----

i am so angry that i had to abase myself to my parents to get the money from them to live while operating under the personal delusion that son would finish his school if i just helped as much as i could and was there for him every day morning and night

----

i am so angry that i withdrew from my own classes to work with my kids through their shit and daughter is back at her mother's half time (well - not as of this weekend - it's now 9 me, 5 stbx, 7 me, 7 stbx [daughter can't cope with the stbx's shit again - more in a later post]), and now son is dropping out

i put my life and next career step on hold for what?

----

when there was issues with possible suicide and such with daughter in january, i also spoke to son. i told him that even if he had to stay in bed for six months and never leave the apartment - that would be better than killing himself.

----

i have told my children that i am on their side - always

----

i was ok when son was going to not finish school this semester and finish his other classes next school year

----

i called son on his cell phone

i told him that i expected him home by midnight

that i didn't want friends to be here at midnight

that if this is his first major decision as an adult he's going to get up at a reasonable time in the morning and he's going to go to the school and withdraw himself

that he's not going to just let it happen to him

he's not going to just sit until he gets kicked out

that he's going to face his decision head on and make it under his own terms and not wait for the system to just come along and boot him

he's going to handle it as an adult

that i was going out this evening and that he and his friends could come to the apartment after i'm gone (but be gone by midnight)

that he's not going to call it dropping out

he's going to call it withdrawal

that after he wraps up his withdrawal he will come up with a plan for what he's going to do next

drop out

my son just informed me that with roughly 6 weeks to go in the last semester of grade 12 he is dropping out of school

he refuses to do the work necessary that will bring his marks up to a passing grade

he says it is pointless and he will finish his classes and his grade 12 later and in some other manner

i asked him he had somewhere to go. because i wanted him to leave the apartment for the time being after he told me - because i might do or say something i would regret.

he stood there looking at me oddly - and i told him if he stayed i would hurt him - injure him - so he'd best leave before i did anything i regretted

he left

i wept

ideas on no ideas

today i was thinking about what i wrote in my last post with my comment on potential comments

"no particular need for anyone to post "cheer up little camper" comments - i just feel super sucky right now"

and i was worried i might have been rude

re-reading my words i don't think what i wrote was rude

but even so, it got me thinking, i want to make sure that i let all of you know that i appreciate your support much more than you know - really

i think about you as friends - i tell stories about my you as my friends (only sometimes mention that it a blogging relationship). i think about what you would say, or think, or suggest when i make decisions.

so, thank-you

----

Sicilian asked:

"Curious as to where son gets $$$$ for pot."

Up until last month he got $20 a month allowance from me. He works for my parents a few times a month making anywhere from 30-40 up to a 100 or more dollars in that month. He does spot work in the call centre. He gets cash gifts on birthday and christmas.

He is also a master of arranging group buy deals amongst his friends that end up with some surplus. Yes - almost drug dealing - or close enough for horseshoes and handcuffs - except for the lax enforcement of low dealing/buying level activity at both a policing and legal level. It meets the legal definition, but is never enforced at that level. Remember - Canada started the full scale decriminalisation of pot until Bushies had a shit fit on Canada. That was when we had a liberal government - the current conservative government wouldn't decriminalise, but they haven't turned the clock back much.

And after all that defensiveness and rationalising and minimising of my son's activities

he gets some there too.

And his buddy, who is a small dealer, just gives him some sometimes because they are friends and he shares.

That's how he does is.

i have no idea

i have no idea of what to do

i am done my classes, my daughter is with her mother half time, and my son is still toking every day

i have no job

i have no money

i have no credit cards

----

i am looking for a job - any job - started on monday

i was looking at some call centre work the other day - but they don't have any right now

my employment insurance claim might not start paying until july because they appear to be counting my retirement allowance in their ineligible period/amount

i have a few hundred dollars left in my account - but not even enough to make May's rent

i'll have to talk to dad...

----

i gave up my credit cards to my parents in return for them paying off my balances and reducing my monthly costs by the amount of my payments

----

while my children are still alive - which counts as a victory of sorts - i am feeling like a failure on that front

daughter went back to her mom's half time

son is still smoking pot every day. he is spending a whole whack of time at his mom's because i banned smoking pot in the apartment once the weather changed. they smoke in the basement over there. also, his buddy (the one living in his car) is parked in front of the stbx's place and doesn't feel comfortable around me since i gave him the boot from my place

(in march i let the friend stay at my place for a week when it was minus 40. i let him stay for a week - he was all full of plans and ideas for how he would get off my couch and get his own place - i gave him another week after that first week. my mistake - i later discovered he wasn't even taking full time shifts. the second week he was at my place he didn't even take a single shift. i was soooooooo mad. he was eating my food, acting all territorial about the couch with my kids [this is the guy who lived at the stbx's right after we split, so he feels pretty at home/family with my kids - i was furious at his territoriality and let him know], and doing sweet fuck all. i was trying to do right by him and be mindful of the weather for a guy that was homeless and a friend of my son's - both kids said they were ok with it to start with. then he turned schmucky. after i booted him out he was still parking in the parking lot by my place - so i had him ticketed and towed. then i interevened to make sure he wouldn't get an apartment in the building next to mine [but all of this is another post i think]. he's a mooch, and i don't want him around)

so son is spending a bunch of time at the stbx's. and she is turning a blind eye to everything she railed on about because she'll do anything to get either or both of them to come back - and stay back

----

i'm looking for work

sending out inoices to my few remaining clients

begging from dad

and trying to sort out all the rest

----

no particular need for anyone to post "cheer up little camper" comments - i just feel super sucky right now

there is a pathway out and i am trying to stay on it

note from a friend

i made a comment in an email to a close (female) friend of mine (we are trying to arrange a lunch):

> I'll keep sending positive vibes your way, and you let me know when
> you can squeeze me in. [her name]

i would like to do more than just squeeze a visit in

but i am so paranoid that i want to be around the kids as much as possible to make it more difficult for them to fall off the edge...

and [daughter] has returned to her mother's half time...

an excerpt from her response:

"Good luck trying to keep your eye on [daughter] at all times - at least she is talking to you about these things, not just sneaking off and going it alone. I shudder to think about what I did as a teen, that my parents should never find out about, even now. I would never have contemplated talking to them about my choices or experimentations. Don't make yourself crazy over this - just stay open to talking to her and being there for her to rely on as the stable influence."

at least a positive

i was just looking in the freezer and fridge for what i need to get for the coming week.

and i noticed that all the whole wheat buns were gone.

and about half the whole wheat bread.

but the white bread and buns that my mom had baked and gave me was still there. my mom is one of the most amazing bakers ever - her bread is totally awesome

but my kids won't eat anything but whole wheat

that's positive

Sisyphus

As a punishment from the gods, Sisyphus was compelled to roll a huge rock up a steep hill, but before he could reach the top of the hill, the rock would always roll back down again, forcing him to begin again - and to repeat this throughout eternity.

i hate this

my son just came in drunk to pick a game up

him, his friend, and daughter had been drinking gin shots at their mother's while she was out

he just left again to go back because they are having supper with her this evening

i thought about calling the police or social services or someone

i asked him what he thought he was doing drinking with his sister

he said that if it wasn't him and gin, that his sister would currently be out with one of her friends - one of the bad ones (the sex and X one)

and maybe doing ecstasy - because daughter has been talking about crossing over into that scene

i do not know what to do

i told Smitten last night on the phone that i believed that daughter had made a conscious decision to become fucked up. because it took too much energy to resist and drugs and bullshit are easier.

and her mom is bribing her heavily

it is sort of like that moment in the horror movies about satanic possession when the young woman has finally beaten the possession - and then returns - pre-naturally calm - because she has given up fighting and has gone wholly over to the dark side

----

daughter came home on friday night and told me that her mother was taking her to a rave that night - and attending it herself. and as i stared in disbelief, daughter gleefully announced "Yeah - I know - I'm such a usurious bitch. And she's paying for everything."

----

Yesterday, it looked like my personal marijuana stash had been rifled and some was gone. It certainly weighed less than the last time I had weighed it. And i hadn't used any. (I described my short term use of marijuana for fibromyalgia pain in the post where's cadbury). I was keeping a gram in case I had a severe emergency/extreme pain situation (7 grams = 1/4 ounce - so 1/7th of a 1/4 ounce).

I kept it around, and hidden - not very well hidden, but away. The kids were not aware

My box of ziploc bags were on the counter when i got home from exercising. I was suspicious immediately. I had thought my daughter had searched my drawers before.

I checked my pot - scaled it (my son's specialised digital pocket scale [from the local "head shop"]) and some was missing.

I raised it with each of them separately. I didn't mince words. I advised them I had it and what it was for.

Son told me that daughter had mysteriously shown up with a small amount. That she had ripped him off already.

I told my son and my daughter that if they ever ripped me off - money, marijuana, stuff - anything - they would have to find other living arrangements. That since i couldn't prove it that i wouldn't be kicking them out at this point - but that they were on notice.

Nobody is going to start ripping me off.

When the stealing starts - it signals a whole different level of trouble.

(they both ran out of money and pot last week - son earned some since working for my parents [he took the lectures], but daughter has been avoiding them and the work they offer since the acid thing blew up - i discussed it with my parents. they were asking why i wasn't getting a job to supplement the money they were helping me with. i explained the newest developments and asked them if they thought i should - regardless of the lack of visible progress to stopping the decline of my children)

----

Now the kids are getting drunk. When I suggested this was an example of substance substitution like his mother (see post: Sweetened Coconut).

He said it was just a change of pace - and stumbled out the door.

i asked "Have you considered mini-golf?"

he said "Mini-golf only lasts for an hour," and the stairwell door closed behind him.

i followed to the top of the stairs and told him to hang on to the railing tightly so he didn't fall down the stairs. my next door neighbour (when i was a kid) was an alcoholic and she died falling down some stairs...

i told him to double check that there are no cars when he crosses the major street when walking from here to there because his judgment was impaired

----

I am at a loss

I guess I need to get on that al-anon even faster

But I don't know what to do

nothing seems to work - i will not leap into ridiculous or impulsive action

the various professionals i am working with have told me that the factor i cannot control is the constant influence of the children's mother - and that while they realise that she is a bad influence - until she overtly does something - the law won't allow them to make a case - there is not law against lousy parenting - or even constant psychological low level abuse - only laws and rules against overt and clearly definable harm. and even then it is several strikes before someone is out...

i beg and i plead for them to give me some kind of solution

but all i've got is what i've got

----

i felt like i had made a bit of a breakthrough last night

i got son to admit that the pot was affecting him negatively mentally and emotionally

he has to this point denied that effect

yesterday after giving him a lot of grief (not yelling, but discussion and questioning [for about one and half hours]) he finally admitted that it had an effect.

i told him that it was pretty obvious that there was a problem with a person's life when they had to smoke pot every day to get through each day. he said that it might be true, but that i had a lot more options to change my life than he did - that no matter what solution or change he came up with he would still have to go to school every day - and couldn't change that.

but he admnitted it was taking a toll

he then said "But I don't care"

but i can work with that

after he said it he went and hung his still slightly damp clothes on the drying rack

----

Smitten says that in a breakthrough moment like that - where someone says it out loud at last, that their demeanor and actions tell you how they are feeling about it

and that him taking some action to "control" his universe was good sign

that if he had just sat down in a helpless lump it would be much worse

that his actions spoke of an internal view that shows that he actually does know its's a problem and that he hasn't given up

----

now he's off with my daughter drunk

she is apparently less so

----

i hate this

----

he assured me they wouldn't drive (the friend drives) - especially since they are due for supper shortly

----

i'm going to the gym and to buy some vegetables for healthy meals for the coming few days

if i don't go to the gym i'll collapse

sometimes it's an escape for me when i don't know what else to do

go work out for two hours

i emerge usually with less physical manifestations of stress and a somewhat clearer head

the gym is better than pot

the gym is better than stewing

the gym is actually better than this blog and my journal that i have been writing for most of the day

but i have to get my ideas out of me

i have to have an escape valve somewhere - somehow

because on top of all of this stuff i am also dealing with a lot of things inside of me as well. i have reached a pretty critical point in my counseling - in dealing with the abuse i suffered in my marriage

and the abuse and violence i suffered as a child at school (and at the hands of my older brother and the lack of intervention by my parents). the daily beatings - the cracks on the nose to make my nose bleed every recess.

and me asking why - why didn't my parents or anyone protect me?

we went to a play at the university a few weeks ago - we didn't know - it turned out to be about an extremely imaginative child and the abuse he suffers in the schoolyard.

while the portrayal was artsy/poetic - the scenes were highly truthful

all the way to the way the kids circled the lead character like a pack of jackals. the way they took turns beating him - kicking him - never quite leting him get his bearings and keeping him disoriented. Smitten asked me if I wanted to leave after the first couple of minutes - i refused. i was not about to leave - to not bear witness - even to a fictional character's hurt

i was glad it was dark. tears streamed down all through the performance. it was so bad that at several instances - and after the performance when we went back to Smitten's house - it was so bad i almost lost control of my bodily functions

shit myself

piss myself

throw-up

yeah - that bad. it's embarrassing to admit that to you - and to Smitten

my reaction was sheer terror

i had bottled up so much at the time

in not showing emotion. because any emotion or reaction just made things worse - they would make the taunting and the beatings worse

i didn't ever really understand the terror

the terror of being a child in grade school 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 years old - and having to go back and face that every single day - someone hitting me or taking a whack at my nose -taunting - always with the threat of violence, torture, degradation, and humiliation right behind

i hate schools and i hate teachers (sorry BG [but i like to think you would have stomped a couple of those kids if you were there])

terror

visceral terror

and i almost lost control of my body at the age of 43

i survived that night with the railworkers (see last post an almost letter to a friend). i have survived having knives pulled on me, getting sliced by one of them, getting hit with all variety of instruments. and have not had a single boo of an effect

but that play was awful for me

----

so, i'm going to go to the gym

and buy some vegetables for a healthy meal

an almost letter to a friend

(started 4/2/09 10:43 PM)

dear friend,

i know you think that i am being too permissive and am not being a very good parent.

that's why you came over last Tuesday night.

you thought that me asking the kids what they thought should be done was the wrong approach - that i should be cracking down - getting hard - imposing some order

you don't have kids

you also don't do much with the bureaucracy you work within. you are special. and they let you get away with shit because you are special. your mindset is tenacious and thorough. and very black and white.

you bag bad guys. and you hand them off. and your job is done.

and you are very good at it.

you are a fixer. you don't realise it. you keep asking yourself (and me) why we are friends when you are right-wing and law and order, and i'm left-wing and mushy.

you may not remember, but we first became close friends when things broke down with my roommate and you let me sleep on your couch for 3 weeks - and use your truck when my car broke down. someone needed rescuing and you rescued them - or rather - rescued me.

(finished 4/5/09 3:40 PM)

i like you - liked you then, too. there was an almost immediate trust and loyalty. you liked my mind. i had things you wanted - a larger, non-worker-guy worldview. a worldview you wanted. language. knowledge. analysis.

and i was loyal. i was one of the few people whom you knew would never leave your back uncovered - no matter what the odds.

that's why when it was you and me and 16 railworkers in a brawl when we were bouncing that would have left us dead or hospitalised if the cops hadn't shown up - you knew you weren't alone like you had been every other time before. and why i'm always in your dreams and flashbacks of that incident.

when i was down and out and living in that attic hole in the revenue house - you gave me a job at the new bar you were security manager of - at the snazzy hotel

we did the same job we did the previous time - took the place from multiple brawls a night to weeks without any incidents - sometimes after we cleaned it up you would lose staff because the guys were itching for action and took jobs at bars they could have the occasional brawl at. we imposed order. together. you were the manager - but when the other guys questioned your approach i always backed you up - and they didn't want to challenge both of us at once.

you took your bodyguard and security training and came out top in your class. you can strip, clean and reassemble your guns very fast. you know your stuff. you work hard.

i tried to return the favour(s) that you did for me. 17 or so years ago i re-learned enough high-school algebra to help you get your general equivalency diploma. i tutored you through all your other subjects too. because you had half of grade 10, and all of grade 11 and 12 to learn. your hard work and determination did it over that year. i do not take credit. but you needed someone who believed in you - and that was only me. only me.

the STBX wasn't too thrilled with all the time that took - and led to her slow expulsion of you from my life - 'cause she's like that...

i role played for hours and hours and hours the interview panel you would have to face when you went for the job - guys with guns - guys with knives - you'd faced them all - but not a panel of five bureaucrats. that's my world.

and you got the enforcement job with the federal government - they didn't ask many of the questions i had role played (me not knowing the investigatory field your were wanting to work in), but we had been through the shittiness and the putting on the spot, so you were comfortable enough - and your knowledge of trapping and hunting from your time on the farm and in the bush gave you the ability to ask all the questions in the mock investigation - and to pass the interview with flying colours..

you were the top returning/performing investigations officer in your unit (specialised fraud investigations). you had made it out of the service industry into investigations - not the cop you wanted to be (because of your eyes and glasses) - but starting your way there. you were a sworn peace officer for our province and our country. you could compete in cop shooting events, and at cop competitions. you were half-way to your dream (and earning way better money).

but your world is still black and white.

identify problem.

remove problem

problem solved

except these are my kids

and my stbx

and they can't be removed - or controlled - or confined - or even taken to court or a hearing and punished or forced to clean up their act.

why would i allow drugs openly in my place?

because it would be bullshit to pretend i don't know they are there

because if i confiscated them or shit-fitted they would just hide them

why would i allow them to smoke them inside?

because it was -30 to -40 below outside - so they wouldn't ever smoke outside while it was that cold and windy. i had banished them to the outdoors while the weather was survivable - and have done so again.

they would always end up taking the three minute walk to the stbx's house and smoking inside the garage or the basement - and then they'd hang out there. and that is even worse for them than pot.

remember - son said he wanted to beat his mother to death with his fists - really - and meant it. said he hoped she'd die in a fire. daughter was fantasizing about stabbing her mother to death with a knife. both son and daughter were already involved in physical altercations with their mother.

their mother was losing it and had physically fought with both. son told me how he was afraid because sometimes when she was mad at him and was getting in that crazy way she would linger too long over the knife drawer in the kitchen. how his gut said he should be worried. how he slept with a knife under his pillow because he was somewhat spooked and needed it for a sense of security.

how no-one in authority can act on the crap i tell them - and want more proof than feelings and impressions and spooked - that they believe i am a good parent who is NOT just trying to stir things up.

that if my kids didn't stay here, and didn't go to their mother's to smoke their pot - that they would go to their friends' houses where they could smoke. houses in the hood. where they would be surrounded by run-aways, half street kids, and punks. where guys who belong to gangs show up. where there are drugs much harder than pot.

at least this way i can control who is allowed to be around and it will be the best of a loser crowd.

(I should point out that i have had my smoking restrictions on the apartment for all of 4 days now and my kids are spending way more time at their mother's. in only 4 days - even though the weather is better. because she will whore herself in whatever way she needs to get them back to her house - even though she talks the talk about not alowing them to partake around her - she lies. that they are already smoking in friends' cars - and driving while stoned [which is just fucking awesome from a safety standpoint - but at least the streets aren't solid ice like in the dead of winter])

my daughter was suicidal and her mother was threatening suicide as well.

i wanted her where i could watch her all the time

in January daughter did harm herself. you saw the picture - it's one of the things that shocks you. you know about teen-aged girls - your sister was/is anorexic-bulimic and spent her teen years in a group home.

at least if my children were where they needed to be i could feed them, watch them, intervene as necessary, and make sure they were exercising and sort of sleeping.

you kept saying that if social services found out i would be in trouble.

you even called a cop friend of yours to find out what they would do - they told you to tell me to call mobile crisis - which is what they do - that's cop procedure.

it was a great shock to you when we talked on the phone and i made you completely aware of who all knew of my kids' open drug use.

that i had already called mobile crisis, that i had already had my kids through social services intake, that they were under psychiatric, psychological counseling, and medical supervision - that they were in the presence of one of those three professionals every 10 days (or less)

who the fuck are you talking to, buddy?

remember - i am not just some permissive assed socialist - as you have described the bleeding hearts who annoy you

I have a fucking clue on this shit, here friend...

i was involved in writing the fucking procedures and making them public and running the public education campaigns on drug use when i was involved in government.

my high school drug use and my brother's use (FYI: not nearly as bad as my kids) prompted my mother (the ex-nurse) to start the first citywide drug education in the catholic school system back in the '80s - the principals didn't want it, but the Archbishop said "It will be done." even though mom is ukrainian orthodox - isn't even catholic. My mom would have been head of the province-wide drug education program/unit if we hadn't lost the election in '82... i know this stuff forward and backward - and stay on top of current literature.

you almost shit in your pants over the phone when i advised you that i had already been in discussion with my childrens' school principals, and with school board psychologists, and their teachers, and the dedicated full-time drug and addictions counselors at my son's schools (treatment programs brought in by our/my "permissive assed socialist" government - i might add - programs being copied all over north america)

and you almost shit when i told you that all of them - including the cop i had spoken to in the domestic violence unit after the STBX assaulted me in front of the kids - were aware that i was allowing drug use at my home. that they all agreed that my plan was the least worst scenario - and could not come up with a better plan than to try to ride it out and try to keep my children alive and safe until things ran their course.

to get them to sleep, feel safe, eat well, exercise, and go to school as often as possible and be in regular contact with medical and psychiatric/psychological professionals

that means that 7 full-time drug treatment and counseling professionals, plus doctors and teachers, and a cop could not come up with a better plan.

soon i will add al-anon, narcotics anonymous, and the health region's alcohol and drug team to my list of people who will know and be involved with this plan

yeah - i know that you have been avoiding me for a few days now. i hope that will pass. i value your friendship. i need your friendship.

but this is not a simple solution.

and for being a weak-assed permissive socialist - i seem to have some staying power, my friend.

after i go through the run-through - and people can't come up with any more solutions than i have already tried - everybody else seems to be suggesting that i just boot them - get all tough love on their asses

yeah - like i said before - that'll allow me to be all self-righteous - but will still add up to abandoning my children to their own ends. i'm not willing to do that. and personally i think it takes more strength to stay in the fight than to pull the tough-love bullshit.

if i'm not creative enough to just keep changing the scenario, to try to disrupt - at least around the edges - the situation - then i'm not much of a mind - or much of a parent

i'm not abandoning my children

that's the weak-assed permissive socialist i am

never give up

always got the other person's back

always looking out

no matter what the odds

that's why when the revolution comes

and the tanks are coming

i'll be on top of the barricade - throwing molotov cocktails - even though it's useless

because i don't give up

not until someone, or something (or I am) is dead

----

other than some kind of "crack-down" by an authority figure - whom you could not offer a suggestion as to whom might be effective - you were at more of a loss than me

but we'll all make through

maybe

----

i am a good parent

----

i am so sick of people (like my parents) saying:

"Isn't there something you can do?"

well, then fucking well tell me what to do!!!

should i beat the shit out them? will that work?

should i scream and jump up and down?

lock them in a treatment centre? (already checked - can't - they are full of the people who really need it - or are way past where my kids are. and the U.S. ones cost more than we can collectively afford - and why would i send my kids to the U.S. - would it help? i doubt it)

if there was an easy solution i would have implemented it. if there was a hard solution i would have implemented it.

----

as for me

i will keep on slogging and prepare myself for my childrens' potential death or slow decline

i and i will keep on fighting for them

every day

steps

over the winter i took a few steps with regard to my children's drug use. i operated under what i termed a harm reduction strategy. i took my cues from methods of intervention used in schools, facilities and programs in various locations in Canada and the U.S.

i reviewed my actions, and what i believed my posture to be, with counselors and drug and addictions staff at the high school my son attends.

i chose to allow them to smoke pot inside the apartment while the weather was below -20C instead of banishing them to the outside or to friends places (they would also often just walk to their mother's and smoke at the house while she wasn't there).

i chose to have them do their thing at my apartment, rather than go to some of their friends' places - some of which are in "the 'hood" (or at least what we call such here) - or go to their mothers house. i chose to try to protect them, to try to ensure their safety while trying to get them to reduce their use.

i chose to attempt to educate them on the nature of drugs and to give them all the information i could find.

i thought that advising them of risks would reduce the likelihood that they would move on to harder drugs. to date, son has not moved on.

however, their use has become chronic. i still believe their use to be a symptom of other pressures, but at this point the drugs themselves are becoming a standalone problem.

yesterday i called a conference between the three of us. we talked. there were some highly tense moments (i may discuss them in a later post). at one point a friend of mine came over - he called me to see how i was doing and told him about the fact that i had been within millimetres of beating/enacting violence on both my children (literally). and that i was at that point trying to get them to discuss solutions to the situation - i cannot impose solutions - that will only drive their use underground as they ignore me.

you see - i think "tough love" is a method of avoidance for the most part. it allows the authority figure (parent) to claim the moral high ground while simply washing their hands of responsibility. i will not wash my hands of my responsibility.

engagement is much more difficult than sabre rattling. i choose to engage. i choose to persuade and attempt to lead.

i believe in a redeeming God (when i believe in God...) and a redeeming universe. i believe that the measure of a person is not how many times they fall, but how many times they pick themselves up.

my friend is a law enforcement officer (he is also an internationally known/hired bodyguard) - we were bouncers together about 20 years ago. he is currently in immigration enforcement - with his knowledge and experience he's one of the people that gets called to find and remove true slimeballs (child molesters/multiple murderes/rapists/etc) from the country. i was on mushy ground with the kids and when he said he was coming over, i said OK. i was at a bit of a loss. son was talking and debating, but daughter not so much.

history: my friend had previously asked me if there was anything he could do to help. i had asked him to give my kids a briefing on meth and MDMA (ecstasy [X]) production methods - one of my key points in harm reduction is to keep my kids away from X, meth, and crack (not much crack around here, though). my kids both have friends that are X-heads. X can be bought for as little as $1.50 (and most of it is actually meth) a hit. i figured i could keep them from moving to a cheaper and more dangerous substance by engaging with them and trying to steer them away from harder drugs by education and persuasion. i had also asked my friend to teach me a few (2 or 3) moves to deal with punks in the event of needing to rescue my kids from a bad situation (speaking of "the 'hood"). i am fully capable in a brawl - but wanted to learn few moves i had been introduced to by a cop that are used to incapacitate idiots and punks (weird thumb holds and small joint manipulation techniques). my friend teaches knife combat, stck combat, and unarmed combat at our national police academy (analogue: like if he taught at the FBI academy) and also teaches various city police forces. (no - i am not making this shit up)

he came over and talked to the kids. he took a bit of a different tack than i expected. he talked about the level of adulteration of different kinds of drugs - especially chemically based drugs - like the acid my daughter dropped - and then suggested that they both grow up. he told my son that he needed to be a man and not a punk - that being the source of the acid daughter dropped (daughter lied and told him a mutual friend wanted it [yeah - i was very unhappy with this scene in totality]) was not the actions of a man - that a man would protect his 13 year old sister and would never hand over acid to any 13 year old - especially his sister. he described a couple of the situations in our city where some whitebread folks had decided they were badass gangsters and ended up wired to chairs and tortured for his ATM PIN (white teen went to the hood to buy drugs [our racial underclass is north american indians]). another local young restaurateur (who happened to be the cousin of the stbx's sister's husband [the geophysicist]) who ended up chopped into pieces and found in parts inside a burned out car on an indian reservation (the kids had some awareness of the nature of his demise previously - but my friend added a bunch more grisly details).

blah, blah, blah

my friend left. son asked me if he could light up. i told him i wasn't going to give him permission, and i wasn't going to tell him not to - that the whole point of the episode/session was to get them to exercise judgment. i wanted to see his choice.

he lit up

i do not believe in "gateway drug" theories. i am of the opinion that an addictive personality is an addictive personality (and gene pool).

that being said - the time has come to disrupt my childrens' drug use.

my daughter has crossed the line from "organics" to chemicals - and said she'll do acid again.

harm reduction in this case has not worked. both of them are looking for escape and are only finding it in drugs.

i am taking a series of measures: no drug use in the apartment - not by them, not by their friends. daughter is no longer allowed to hang out with son and his friends. both will be required to attend narcotics anonymous and al-anon meetings with me. both are required to attend treatment/education sessions with our health district's alcohol and drugs unit. son is required to get a job.

there will be no "crashing" at the apartment when son has friends over - any sleepovers by friends will have to be pre-arranged and pre-approved. his friends will not be allowed to come over when daughter is at the apartment (she is back on week on/week off). i will be refusing to allow son to go to his best friend's house (best friend is his primary source of pot) later than 10 pm on school nights (I currently will allow 10:30-11:00). if i catch son wandering outside to get high after 10pm he will have to find somewhere else to sleep that night (he would likely go to his mom's place 3 blocks away, but hopefully it will indicate my seriousness).

----

it is my hope that the disruptive shockwaves of the above actions will be a starting point. the above practices and strictures are not all that inconveniencing - they will just disrupt their current pattern. much like a person who is trying to give up smoking is urged to alter their normal habits and routines in order to avoid the patterns of normal usage (like whom you go for coffee with, taking up exercise in place of coffee and a smoke - those sorts of things)

----

i have gotten references to a number of professionals by my daughters counsellor - a support group, professionals in the field of youth addiction, and such - i am attempting to become even more informed on the subject of addiction and dependency

i need to make sure that my actions are not co-dependent or enabling - and so far i can construe many of my actions as naively well-intentioned, and as enabling. i am not pillorying myself. i have been instrumental in keeping both of them away from X and meth - but obviously my methods have not wholly worked.

as my friend said to the kids last night (about 5 or 6 times [for my benefit, i am sure]): "Your dad, even though he knows better, still believes that love can cure everything."

----

daughter had a breakthrough (in my opinion) while talking with son and myself. she said that part of the reason she wants to take drugs - and wants to take acid again - is because then she doesn't feel like herself - and she hates who she is.

that she is weak and betrays people - like her brother when she betrayed him by lying and actually getting the acid for herself. like betraying me, like btraying her mother

that she feels like she is constantly lying ind betraying people (which she is and does).

we talked a bit and son pushed fairly hard (i had to get him to back off sometimes - he can be a pushy prick). daughter said that she doesn't want to ever make a mistake - so she lies and covers up - and doesn't make her true intentions known

because she hates being wrong

she hates people telling her she's wrong or doing something wrong - not because she wants to be perfect (what son tried to accuse her of) - but to avoid the pain of criticism and to avoid getting shit

the fact that she said these things out loud is significant

that means she has at least partially admitted it to herself

----

she said she doesn't want to live at the apartment, and she doesn't want to live with her mom - she just wants to be left alone

while at one level it is a cop-out...

she's also only 13 years old - and is still a child - and is still suffering under the pressures and chaos that has been inflicted on her

----

(do you think it's passing odd that daughter does this right after she goes back to her mom's place - this acting out?

my mom asked me "Why does she only do it to you? Why not to [stbx]?"

my counselor said "In young children they most often act out with the people they feel the safest with, and the closest to. There is no reason to think that this behaviour would change in an adolescent - or even an adult.")

----

son

son has a dependency issue

have to fix that

----

daughter

son

i need to

take steps

it just keeps getting better

my daughter dropped 4 hits of acid today

spellbinding

took them at school

somehow managed to survive the day

my contacts in the drug scene tell me that a hit these days is maybe a third the potency of acid in my (and some of your) youth

so just over one hit from my perspective

which explains why she wasn't hallucinating.

of course i never hallucinated anytime i was on acid - even 4 hits - of the old potency (over 20 years ago)

she was weepy and weirdly paranoid - but slowly came down

and is going to bed to sleep for the night

she has counseling in the morning

maybe this will be a breakthrough moment as she looks closely at herself

yeah

sure

----

i know that there will be some new drama in my life each week. so something is expected (not this, though), it's a law of the universe. i must attract, cultivate, or simply have a need for drama - i think

because otherwise you would think i would run out of this crap

things a Dad does not want to read posted by his Daughter's

from March 4th

"kay i'm so pissed because i want to like screw around with someone and everyone is taken or i can't touch and it's making me very pissed like i "had" someone to like "torment" jk but i did and i was so excited but because of shit now i'm not with them and i'm like wtf am i going to do and it's really pissing me off ! so i decided to take more secretive pictures and i'm hoping to put a few up on here but those one's will be non secretive! i really hate how no one can be in a relationship with me and i'm so fucking ready ........... Gawd it pisses me off it's like no one listens to me ever and when they have a problem they expect me to listen? FUCK YOU i've had enough i'm so fucking sexually frusterated that for a whole day i slept because whenever i was awake i wnated to fuck everything DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS???? it's fucking B.S. is what that is it's like fuck can nobody just fucking live in [our city] and want to be with me???no because everyone fucking sux and has a stick too far up their ass to notice me"

my response:

i replaced the vibrator i bought her last year that she burned out (no - i didn't ask how...)

i went through every electronic media device in the house for pics - even deleted stuff (file recovery programs/disk forensics [including flash sticks, their camera, and their phones)

some bra and panty (and a corset) stuff found, but nothing untoward posted on the internet on any of her hangouts. she left herself logged in to her hotmail account so i went through that while she was out

nothing untoward there either

uneasy, and more than a little queasy about looking at half-naked sexually suggestive self-pics of my daughter...

but all appears to be still safe

uck

it's a while new world out there

----

i know my daughter's various login ids. i keep an eye out on her activities. i am discrete and do not ask or challenge her on stuff - i hate snooping and mostly don't, but with her going back to her mother's today i felt the need to just check out what's going on in her head.

i'm worried about potential self harm

instead i found the above...

still thinking through how to address the situation

i have the birth control and condom talk at least once a month with both kids

mediation went well

have to get ready for my class, so not much details right now

will post later/tomorrow

things went well. i have some expectation that things can be moved along even if just a little

it was a solo intake metting - just me and the mediator

----

the money quote:

(i was explaining how i was prepared to take less than half of the property if it would move things along and stop or ameliorate the stbx from having a shit fit on the kids over the financial settlement)

"And has your practice of accommodation stopped [stbx]'s outbursts in the past...?"

"Your children have survived a fair bit so far. They will likely need to survive a little bit more, no matter how unpleasant in the short term. Anyway, I'm not sure how any family court judge would accept any settlement that was any other than close to even. They are certainly not going to take one where one person keeps their whole pension and most of their assets and the other just walks away with the debts"

(speaking of stbx's pension and my marital credit card debts)

first mediation session monday morning

as above

solo visist with the mediator to discuss settlment and custody issues

joint sessions later

the good thing is the department of justice picks up the tab for mediation services (it costs less than stuff going to court for the government)

the bad thing is that i expect this is yet one more stalling tactic

we'll see

----

daughter goes back to her mom's until friday, tomorrow

i'm bummed, but i can't do much - she agreed...

more detail when my head doesn't hurt so bad as it does right now

meeting went well (later edit: or not...)

Mom and Dad were good

they asked for details and i provided them with as much as i had - i just sent them more information

they are not demanding that i work through anything with them

they are asking that i have my monthly budget and statements gone over by an accountant to confirm the information i am giving them (reasonable request)

i will end up lowering my total monthly credit card payments from something around $1100 to a $200 payment on their line of credit

interest rate dropping from an average of 17% to 2.5%

saving over $400 per month interest

it was all supposed to be paid off a couple of years ago...

that would be from a settlement

that isn't here yet

----

[start]
Late Breaking News (later in the evening):

Mom had the shit fit I expected earlier. It just took awhile. I had sent over the written details of what i had outlined in our verbal session.

They are so hot and cold. Just like on buying the house.

Either be fucking prepared to help me or don't. Either want the facts, or don't. I hate this start and stop crap.

Smitten told me that most people marry one of their parents. Me, I married both.

I recognise it is their money. But they offered. I did not ask them.

I took them at their word they would be (and continue to be) reasonable.

I understand that it's their money. But I have/had other options to make my bills and to make it over this hump. But they made the offer - knowing the general outlines of my situation - there were no surprises. But now they have to have a shit fit and are starting to ask/demand me to explain/justify my whole history of how i got here going back years.

I'm not prepared to do that.

I've done the dance for them one too many times.

And yes - you may be reading this thinking "beggars can't be choosers". But i didn't beg. They offered.

fuck

and now it's the same crap they have pulled time and time again - convert an offer of help into me having to beg and justify and abase myself

[end]

----

on the lawyer/settlement front:

me to lawyer last week:

[Son] just advised me that [STBX] told him that he and [Daughter] have to move back to her place or else she'll "lose everything" and have to pay $1400 a month child support

this is one of the major sticks she's been emotionally beating them with recently

From: lawyer@lawoffice.com
Date: Thu, 12 Mar 2009 17:03:29
Subject: Re: [STBX] telling kids lies about child support

[Cadbury],

I have phoned [STBX]'s lawyer and asked for this manipulation on the part of [STBX] to end IMMEDIATELY. I hope it has stopped. I was advised they have spoken to her so hopefully it will end.

Also, the mediator has been assigned and her name is [mediator name] and her phone number is [number]. I was going to follow up with her tomorrow as she is supposed to be arranging to speak to you and [STBX] either tomorrow or Monday to set up the first meeting.

Lawyer

paying off credit cards

my Dad lent me $2000 this month, and we project will lend me $2000 next month until my employment insurance kicks in

Dad just offered to pay about $25,000 of my credit cards out of their home equity line of credit - this will save me the better part of $400 per month in interest and take away those monthly payments

but Mom is a little edgy about it

it's not my plan - it's Dad's - but i can't argue with the logic

so now i am going over there to discuss things

i am not thrilled

i'm not ready for this kind of an event emotionally

i've been working through opening up some of the issues from my childhood surrounding the constant violence i suffered through grade school. i don't know if i've talked about it before - but i was beaten up on pretty much a daily basis at school - it was a daily (sometimes more than once a day) game to the kids to see who could whack my nose to make it bleed

add that to my brother's consistent violence (he liked to kneel on my arms and sit on my chest and slap my face for the couple of hours before my parents came home from work) and ridicule

add that to opening the box that all that had been stuffed into - and looking at the situation with different eyes - thinking about the fact my parents didn't defend me

didn't move me to a different school

insisted that i not physically fight or physically defend myself

a pacifist response was demanded

but they didn't go to the school and demand action from the teachers

who told me they couldn't do anything to the kids (and you may recall me discussing that the priest at our catholic school had told the other kids to rough me up because of my Dad's politics)

----

i'm not really emotionally up to this meeting

but i'm leaving now

worked through a lot of crap this weekend

i'm finishing an assignment for class tonight, so i can't post many details

the working through is a lot of introspective stuff

spent the whole weekend talking to Smitten

i discussed with her and we explored more of my personal history and how it relates to how i am handling things now

as i detail my life i realise just how abusive it has been

i don't want to sound whiny as i say it, but as i have gone back over things it becomes more and more apparent how abusive my environment has been since childhood (eg - my brother's lifelong physical and mental abuse, getting beat up in school for my dad's politics, the local priest telling the kids in my [catholic] school to beat me up because of my family's politics, my parents' lack of intervention, their highly demanding posture, blah, blah, blah)

i won't blame the past, but i will understand how it has and is affecting and conditioned (as in: brainwashed) me - and i will take steps to change me world view and some of my behaviours

----

daughter is talking about moving back with her mom half time

i am trying to do everything i can to stop that from happening

i am fearful she will end up harming herself severely or killing herself if she goes back into that mess

----

more later

really ill - life is sucky

i've been really ill for the last 2 weeks or so

some kind of influenza thing

i haven't gotten much done

dishes and laundry - managed to keep on top of them

but not much else

haven't even shaved in 2 weeks

----

my lawyers have filed the paperwork to suspend the court motion with a 3 day notice of return. they have begun the process of getting the mediation sessions underway.

the stbx's lawyers were supposed to, but surprise, surprise - they haven't

i still think it's all a big stall to not go to court...

----

i think i may have missed telling you that i had a face to face with the stbx and her lawyers a couple of weeks ago

the stbx wanted to avoid court

so they cranked up the pressure on mediation

i was against it, but my lawyer advised me "in the strongest terms" to agree to do mediation

she said that agreeing would get me closer to where i want to be

it keeps a judge from dicking with the current custody/living arrangements

it prevents a ruling against me on custody

you see - the kids cab live with me full-time with just visits to their mother and yet we can still have joint custody. my lawyer says that i would probably lose the temporary custody order. she says that she believes that the stbx would hold it together more than well enough to appear sane in front of a judge (this is the first time my lawyer has met the stbx).

so the kids stay with me. the longer the de facto arangement remains - the more likely it is to be upheld by the court. the longer the kids are sheltered from their mom - the less they want to spend time with her - especially since them staying away and her not being able to force them to come back is sending the stbx into fits - so she takes it out on the kids - which drives them away more

the lawyer says to me "Do you want to win in court, or do you want to keep your kids away from your ex?"

----

i'm broke

seriously broke

like out of money

i have some room on a couple of credit cards

Dad lent me some money, but i will have to go kissing ass for more over the next 2 months until my unemployment insurance starts arriving (with the end of the deemed period of my settlement).

i would have had enough money, but i had to spend a whack of extra cash on eqiping the apartment better for both kids to live here full time, and on massage, chiropractic, and medication.

----

not that inspired a writer at this time, so i think i will try again tomorrow

taking care of kids

likely dropping out of another class... i only have two left, so that will leave me with one

that sucks

i feel like i suck

failing at university again - failing to achieve my goals - failing to complete my course and individual classes

again

thought maybe third time lucky.

the first time it was my fault. i partied too much. the second time it was the psycho ex bagging at me about money that pushed me off the straight and narrow.

the crap this time is putting me off my third try

i am consoling myself with the knowledge that some is better than none (one class), and that making sure i survive and that my kids survive is the most important thing to me.

so i will likely have to lose the class (withdraw)

to make myself feel better i will quote Bill Clinton on family and jobs:

"And number three, the president needs to know he's doing right by his daughters.

In their hearts of hearts, most fathers believe that raising their kids is their most important job, even presidents. And so we should be happy when he takes his children to school, because it then will free him up emotionally to be even more involved in the decisions of the presidency.

If you know you've taken care of your kids, then you feel that your job can get your full attention."

- Bill Clinton, CNN interview (02/17/2009)