I went to the counsellor the other day (solo). The same counsellor Mrs_C went to see (solo) as noted at the beginning of Monday, May 22, 2006 - Incidents Of Note and in Monday, May 15, 2006 - Errata and answers. The counsellor is good - over 20 years experience.
I am skeptical of the results, though. After listening to her spiel I think I can accurately predict the outcome.
The counsellor's key starting point is each partner understanding and acknowledging the other partner's emotions and feelings (whether on consideration you believe they are valid or substantive, or not) - you have to acknowledge and understand them.
This looks like open territory for Mrs_C to tell me that I'm not understanding or acknowledging her feelings (see further: almost every other blog entry to date). Then to use that precept/pretext to berate me for hours.
I talked to the counsellor for a couple of hours. We went extra long. A number of things came out in the session. Mrs_C had not described many of the things that are issues (or at least I think they are issues). I said that I considered anything that caused a tongue-lashing of more than 30 minutes in duration to be an issue (the counsellor agreed). I said that I considered anything that caused a "discussion" of more than 1 hour in duration to an issue (the counsellor agreed). I said that I considered anything that had been described by Mrs_C as a cause for Mrs_C threatening to leave me any of the times she did so as an issue. The counsellor agreed these were reasonable arguments for something to be considered an "issue".
She did warn me that having to be "right" is an element of bad communication in a relationship. She warned me that trying to establish a "logical basis" for a discussion based around a set of "factual assumptions" or "postulates" could be considered overtly hostile in a discussion.
She said that communication, acknowledgement, and understanding had to come before any application of problem solving techniques or processes.
I understand what she is saying.
I also consider it crap.
Complete and utter crap.
At least given the context of my current relationship. It looks to me like an excuse for Mrs_C to derail any discussion into some endless mind and soul numbing experience of "understanding" and "acknowledgement" of the validity of her irrational and erratic emotional state instead of fucking rational discussion based on some semblance of logic.
Our next appointment is a joint appointment. I await the outcome, and experiencing the counsellor's deft words in altering Mrs_C's approach. I await the shining light of God coming down and making me understand what the magic words and actions I'm supposed to be able to put forth to make the magical "emotional connection" with Mrs_C that I am supposed to not be able to make right now.
Yes. I know I sound negative. And I am. But I can only see the possibility of me having to sublimate myself further to Mrs_C's vagaries and emotional turmoil.
But I will go. Hope springs eternal. I will put a solid effort in, and I will not sabotage the process.
“All I want is for the baby to be healthy!”
8 months ago
4 comments:
Oh fer cripe's sake. Give me that counselor's name. I'll have a word or two with her.
You have a "need to be right" huh? Interesting. Well, I'm here to "validate" you, Cad. You ARE right. You HAVE been abused both emotionally and verbally.
I'm disagreeing with Kir on this one. The counselor you're seeing sounds like a fucking nut case.
I'm glad you said what the counselor told you was crap.
I think it is too.
I still say: "get out now"
You know, I feel like this is crap too. Bottom line, you know in your heart what is happening...you know where this is going...Cadbury, you have your head glued on. You are smart and wise. What in the heck do you hope to gain from these counseling sessions? Sorry, but I know how the song and dance goes. An outsider can only base an outcome from what they hear. I don't feel you are being heard, appreciated, or cared for properly. You are right, you are validated by me as well, and you are going to be ok. You and the children need to run like hell! Start breathing again!
yes, i validate too.
seriously, cad... no one can blame you for feeling negatively about this... especially if you're already feeling like the therapist is full of crap.
i'd say... find another therapist, if you REALLY want to try to make another go at this... but to me? it seems like a waste of time at this point.
when my ex and i were in joint counseling, we went to my therapist, because he thought i'd be more comfortable with that.
from the beginning, she told us she didn't think it was possible for us to stay together, considering the circumstances. that irked my ex to no end... but she was right.
and we wasted a lot of time and money in therapy together because he wasn't being truthful.
so it really might be too late for therapy, in your case. but you're the only one who knows that.
therapy only works when both parties are honest and ready and willing to face up to their shit. and it's hard. it's SO hard.
good luck, and sorry for the long comment! (remember what my last comment was...? ;) )
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