Sangria

Earlier this month Smitten's niece (P) who is only 5-6 years younger than her and niece's new beau came over to Smitten's for the evening. P is more like a cousin in relationship to Smitten. They are good friends and have done plenty of partying over the years.

I made Sangria. Cooked it up on the Wednesday night and left it sit for two days. Did some extra doctoring because I made it wrong... I cooked the oranges, lemons, and limes with the wine when I mulled it with cinnamon sticks and whole cloves.

It was a very dry wine and the bitterness of the peels came through very strongly. I should have mulled the wine and added the fruit while it was warm and cooling - not had it in during the boil.

I haven't made Sangria in about 20 years. Sound like a familiar length of time? Yes, it's true. Making Sangria is one more activity that was thwarted many years until I gave up asking/trying by the stbx-Mrs_C veto (is there nothing in my life I can't be bitter about toward stbx? hmmmmm - i am beginning to believe not...)

stbx-Mrs_C didn't want the expense or something - because it is the sort of thing that should be made in a big batch for a party. she didn't even want to make it for her sister and the brother-in-law, or the family. wouldn't even let me make it for my own birthday. it was OK to spend $80-$100 on buying 40oz bottles of Rye, Vodka, and Rum for the inlaws - but not on making Sangria...

Anyway - I made Sangria. I also bought two funky flasks (if you can call them that) with taps on the side to hold such beverages. I figured one for white Sangria and the other for red.

These kinds of flasks are the sort of thing I wasn't allowed to buy. "Too much clutter" was the refusing phrase. I like to have stuff like this. It's fun. It makes a difference to the environment of the party.

i did end up buying a funky cheap glass decanter as well - the big flask ($12 each) taps didn't work so well after testing.

Back to the story:

I got all worked up when I was preparing stuff. I had run out and picked up some pre-cut veggie trays and fruit trays because i had run out of time. I would have made my own but work and kid pressure killed it for me.

I was all worried/panicked that Smitten would be mad because:

1) I had spent a bunch of money on all the stuff when she said it was going to be a simple evening - i was anxious about the Sangria and the food.
2) that i hadn't made the veggie trays myself - that this would indicate a "lack of interest" or valuation on her, spending time with her niece, and the evening as a whole.
3) that i was bringing over the flask and the Sangria to "showboat"

Yep - i was right worked up. But i sailed on because it was what i wanted to do. And if she wasn't happy about i figured she could fuck right off. If she didn't like it or got mad at me she could kiss my ass and i would get a new girlfriend - one who liked decanters and things.

Yes - it was indeed entirely projection of my own anxiety and my own past.

Smitten (without knowing about my panic) was thrilled, tickled, and delighted that i would:

1) go through the effort of making Sangria (her husband didn't even know how to cook - even by the time she left him [well - he could cook one or two things - literally one or two things - she had to leave instructions on how to bake store bought lasagna and such...])
2) bring food
3) that i had chosen to be on time by buying the trays instead of being late and preparing them
4) that i would value her family enough to want to make it a better evening
5) that i would have any interest/delight in something like the flasks and decanter - that kind of trapping for a party/event

I guess I do have a girlfriend who likes those things.

I guess I don't need to go find one that does.

BTW - without knowing my panicked state, they all said it was the best Sangria they had ever had. Smitten and niece P are not the phony compliment kind. P's beau doesn't like/drink red wine. He thought the Sangria was spectacular.

Yeah... I really can't describe the wholesale panic that was going through me as I was arriving at Smitten's. It was real and it was huge.

I know it will go away or dull eventually. Smitten's reactions to many things are being overlaid on previous reactions and triggers. It will just take time.

In the meantime, I would like to share my Sangria and flask with you (normally it has a big cork on the top):

they say it's your birthday...

it was my birthday.

here is me modeling one of my presents



Smitten couldn't find any Mr. Incredible underwear, but did find some for the Man of Steel

(one day last year or the year before i was shopping with my son. we were buying socks and underwear. like i've done since he was little, i asked him if he wanted some batman underwear [which he wanted as a 4-5-6 year old]. he declined, but then pointed and said "Some day I hope some girl buys me some Mr. Incredible underwear". Anyway - that's part of the gag)

email to lawyer (from the other day)

subject: change in my view of the settlement i am requesting

i believe that in the petition we filed with the court that we asked for half/equal division

if that is the case, i would like to stick to half

i had discussed with you previously my view that in negotiations i would not ask for half of [stbx-Mrs_C]'s pension, and that i would walk with all of my credit card debt and the revenue canada debt and so on...

if we filed for half - we're sticking to half

----

why?

i was just on vacation with the kids. they talked while we were on vacation. they talked about what their mother said.

apparently she told them she was stringing me along. that she was playing a waiting game. that waiting didn't hurt her, and that i could sit in my apartment forever for all she cared and that she would use all tactics at her disposal to delay settlement.

in her view housing prices will go down in a year or two and i can just wait until they do

she also apparently has no intention of settling on the house until she gets married to someone else so that she doesn't have her lifestyle impacted or the size of house she has to live in altered any way but up

----

given the above, i feel that i am offering myself up as a sucker to go with anything but half. i offered better deals in the interest of moving on and getting things done quickly.

if my good intentions are being misused, and if they will do nothing to expedite the situation, then there is no point in moving from that which is guaranteed in law.

paddle wheeler, motorcycles, and Canadian Shield

vacation pics

paddle wheeler tour in Winnipeg




The girl's first motorcycle ride ever - with Smitten's brother driving.


The boy posing alone (he rode with Smitten's brother as well)


Smitten at the camp site first night


The view from our site. We were camping near Lake Of The Woods in Ontario.




The site

i'm back, many things to discuss

as above

first day back at the office

i would tell you that i hit the ground running but it would be a lie. everything hit me like a semi-truck and i'm still stuck to the grill

i haven't had time to hit the ground yet...

good vacation - pics and stories to tell

good time with the kids and much peace, joy, and love

things are pretty amazing with Smitten - stories and snippets to tell there

filed a police report on boyfriend bob for him verbally and physically intimidating my son - no charges, but making sure i filed a report. had a near fisticuffs situation between bob and i there

told the lawyer that half is half is half is half on the property settlement

i am now taking the position that i am requesting exactly what the law provides me under separation and divorce law in our jurisdiction

i get half the stuff and half the debt and so does she

still trying to peel myself off the front of this semi that's moving at a hundred miles an hour...

too much stuff and going away for awhile

i have just finished the project i was working on since forever... it is a good piece of work

i have swack load of stuff to get done and i'm going away on holidays

got to file some supporting documentation with the tax people to be able to claim differently now that we are split. i asked stbx to sign a letter stating the circumstances that existed for last tax year and to agree to the tax split i used (the most advantageous for both of us).

she agreed to sign in and email, and when i dropped the letter off she refused to sign until her lawyer sees it. has the letter even gone near her lawyer in the last 2 weeks... no

will this even screw up her own filing - yes

is she a fucking idiot - yes

i have no idea of why she thinks i would try to screw her over. i haven't done it yet - no history of it. but i guess she must be projecting her own ideas and advice she is getting. her sister and brother-in-law have been telling her to "screw him [me] before he screws you" since i left.

her mother has been pulling strings and pressuring her to refuse to give me anything and to fight me to the death on every cent - saying things like - "better the lawyer gets it than him" - no really - it's true - the kids told me

anyway - i have to see if the tax people (who are not known for incredible patience) will give me some time to rustle up some supporting documentation and give me some time to lever the stbx

i am going to see if they will send her a letter to spook her as well

i have to get all my filings done for supporting documentation for the divorce - financial statements tax returns, etc - has to be done within 10 days of filing the petition with the court

i'm getting my shit together to leave on vacation with the kids until later in the month

maybe i'll blog, maybe i won't...

time

need more time

signed petition for divorce

went to the lawyer yesterday. 2:30 appointment to "sign a few papers". read the documents for an hour. cooled my heels for another half hour...

i overheard that they had a crisis with another case and had to file by 4pm that afternoon and didn't have all the affidavits that would be necessary.

had just decided to walk out when she came in. she apologised. i ignored her apology and addressed the papers. i have no interest in getting pissy with my lawyer, especially when i was as emotionally charged as i was.

i just didn't have it in me to fight with my lawyer too.

went through the papers. made some changes on details. altered the part that said we were calling for child support from the statutory tick box to "other" and specified shared cost there instead

same effect, but made the change because stbx-Mrs_C's reaction would have been to immediately show it to daughter and tell her i was suing for support payments

the statutory tick box had a clarifying explanation later in the document saying it was shared cost, but i know the stbx and how she will willfully misconstrue anything i say... daughter doesn't need that one exploding near her.

i specified that i wanted a clause in the custody agreement that daughter was not ever to be alone with uncle molester or allowed to be even in uncle molester's house even with others present. we'll see what the stbx thinks of that. she'll either interpret it as just an attack, or she'll agree to it in a second in order to keep herself from ever being forced by her mother to go to uncle molester's house.

i have been contemplating since i made the request as to whether i should ask for a total ban on contact between my kids and uncle molester.

the only sticky part is that i allowed limited contact at family gatherings in the past. the rationale i developed with my lawyer for the change in position is that i will no longer be present to ensure their safety.

i discussed the marital rape accusation with my lawyer. she was really mad. she said that sort of thing made it very hard for women who come forward with real rape complaints.

she told me that if the stbx ever pursued it that the police and the prosecution's office would take a very dim view of the accusation. that they would ask why it only came to light after separation, and after a petition for divorce had been filed. they would ask if there was any record of it at the time, and if there was any evidence of violence - that not wanting to have sex and grudgingly agreeing or allowing it to occur against personal wishes in a marriage was different than rape - a violent crime. were there any pictures of bruises, doctor's reports, or even discussions with a counselor or anything?

that the police and prosecutions had dealt with plenty of spiteful or vindictive accusations after separations and divorce and would be aggressively skeptical if the facts were as i presented them to my lawyer.

i had some tears and almost cried as i discussed some of this with her. it's a little different to talk to friends about things than in this sort of formal setting.

i am overwhelmingly hurt by the accusation of rape.

i feel a tremendous sense of failure for not having been able to make my marriage work. i realised that as i discussed the uncle molester situation and some of the abuse context of the stbx's family. as i discussed my efforts to try to help all three daughter's through their trauma and to face their mother and confront their uncle over what had been done - and over what their parents had failed to protect them from - i realised that i am very sad that the healing and progress stopped.

it has damaged so many lives.

Son - we were discussing some of his mother's erratic behaviours once, how her behaviours drove me out and are damaging his relationship with his mother, discussing some of her over the edge worries about son molesting daughter, and discussing how some of those behaviours were a direct result of uncle molester - when son said to me "I'd just like to go punch out [uncle molester] for ruining my life."

i am glad that the rape thing will likely be off the table from a formal or actionable sense. with the conflict likely coming this fall, that is last thing that we would need to hit the media - me accused of rape. both the media/public perception hit and the loss to the team (as THE key opposition research guy).

some key members of the media have been friends of mine for over 20 years. we talk about our personal lives, and they have been concerned about my health. in fact most of the local press are on friendly terms with me and have been highly supportive on a personal level of my battle with fibromyalgia and my weight. they have been decent and supportive through my divorce

i have even talked to one of them "the dean" of the local press - the one i've known longest - about the accusation. it flowed in our discussion of my divorce and i figured some inoculation would be good.

the lawyer said that the fact that stbx-Mrs_C was making some of the wild assed accusations and statements she is in front of or to the kids would not fly well in front of a judge if things degenerate

blah, blah, blah

this post wandered a fair way away from my initial idea of an advisory piece just telling you i'd filed the papers...

stuff to tell ya

the writing muse isn't hitting me so much right now - i am kind of exhausted - physically and emotionally

this whole "personal growth" thing can be full of shit at times... sometimes i'm sick of it - i don't want to grow, or analyse, or be self aware... i get tired

the weekend camping with Smitten was really great - i felt very alive

work is a lot of pressure - meeting deadlines to prepare for the conflict.... research, ad/literature content, strategy

stbx-Mrs_C is completely jerking my leash - i don't expect a settlement until next year. therefore no house, therefore i do not expect to have my daughter back until then...

had breakfast with Dad to discuss the house help thing. Mom and Dad essentially want to put my life in trusteeship for the period of time that i would be in any house that they would help me buy. i am declining Dad's offer of help. i have no interest in reviewing my finances or monthly spending with them/him. i hated it when they.he supported me during university and i sure as hell am not going to humiliate myself or reduce myself to that situation again.

daughter can either choose to live with me or not. i will not put my self in that situation so she can have her own room 6 months earlier...

there was a bump with Smitten that is sorted out - far too much detail required to explain in a short post - but it left me a little jumpy this week. she has felt bad that i was worried, but that's just a result of me reacting to my previous marriage, not Smitten

went to the exhibition/fair with my kids - dinner - fun - rides - thrills

went to the beach with kids and Smitten and her kids - had fun - everybody got along. had a short formal discussion of rules and expectations for joint holiday period in a couple of weeks - that worked really well for my kids to feel that they were being respected in the whole assignation of roles/boundaries.

there was problems with Bob the boyfriend when he went with stbx-Mrs_C and the kids. respect issues.

people (in stores for example) would say things like "you'll have to ask your Dad" (referring to Bob) and he would not correct them - his little family fantasy in my opinion - and him not correcting the people really bugged my kids - also Bob actually yelled at son at one point - and was starting to be the discipline messenger boy for the stbx

Smitten and I formally addressed issues of role and responsibilities and supervision and adult direction on the trip

the kids said they thought it was little redundant - that they already knew the things we said, but i think it was really important to define it in advance

did an all nighter with son last night - went to a computer gaming place and played supreme commander in a midnight madness special deal until 8 AM

when Dad called for breakfast at 9:40 AM (it's a holiday here today) - that was a little early

more later - no muse - need sleep

postcript to hot tubbing

I ran into my friend L who had the hot tub birthday party. (hot tub sally (part 1) and hot tub sally (part 2)

L filled me in on a few after details. She said Smitten was quite a hit at the party.

Also, apparently Sally was trying to take the drunk guy from the hot tub home. My friend L and the rest of the gang told Sally "If his legs don't work, what makes you think anything else is going to work...?"

but she insisted that she was going to "take care of him". L and her partner had a bed ready for the dude, but he agreed to go - the rest of the folks argued, but Sally and the dude insisted so they left them to their own devices.

When they came back the next day to pick up his car his face had skinned patches from where he had done a face plant on the sidewalk outside. I guess he fell several times just making it to the car...

some replies

some replies to your thoughtful comments to emasculation and pain

buddha_girl:

"Knowing what must be done, knowing you should do it, and getting it done are all different things."

how does the song go? "even if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice"

"Life..." "...doesn't come with instructions."

no it doesn't. and i made some choices that i have to live with. choices about being nicey nice. about falling into the same pattern as before. about ignoring outside voices and my internal voice.

but perhaps that's the life lesson i need to learn, hmmmm?

Sicilian: "If you had known..."

i guess that's part of the problem. i did know she would be the bag she is being. i just hoped one more time that it would be better this time (c.f. cycle of abuse).

Smitten said that she was warned from the beginning by what I wrote in my online dating profile:

"Separated - fitting together my new life. Still issues back and forth with regard to the separation, so I am approaching resumption of dating with some sensitivity (hence private photos). I would prefer no issues with my ex (not a psycho situation - just being careful and sensitive)."

Smitten said "I would prefer" was a dead giveaway as to my true expectation of the stbx's likely action set...

signgurl: "I'm sorry, I just can't get past the renewed groin feelings. I'm a pervert who's happy for you."

good attention to the material ;-P

but i think you focused on the important part. what do i do to get past it, get around it, live a new life that focuses on what i want to be important? remember my post: the four pillars"?

if they are truly to be:

1) sex

2) sleep

3) food and drink

4) enjoyment

then i need to keep my eye on the ball (or maybe Smitten's eyes on mine...;-)

Pissy: As noted in flip-flop-fly, you called it last fall - that she wouldn't do this cleanly or nicely.

Thank-you for your support and good thoughts and wishes.

Cole: thank-you for your emotion. thank-you for your validation of what i am feeling. thank-you for your love and support.

Pirate:

"Ever watch a fly banging up against window glass? It keeps banging and banging away, and oftentimes will continue to do so until it collapses and dies.

That fly is powerless against that window. Nothing it does, no matter how hard it tries, will not get it through that piece of glass."

yeah - the fly can't see the glass - or doesn't know what it is.

to the fly the path is clear. the fly knows where it wants to go. the fly has a plan - and probably a good one. it just doesn't understand the nature of the barrier it faces. If it even realised it was a barrier it would change its plan - but it doesn't because the way just seems so clear

c.f. my comment above:

"Life..." "...doesn't come with instructions."

no it doesn't. and i made some choices that i have to live with. choices about being nicey nice. about falling into the same pattern as before. about ignoring outside voices and my internal voice.

but perhaps that's the life lesson i need to learn, hmmmm?

the last word goes to hippi

ohc said...

"All I can say, after everyone else has said it so well, is that living well is the best revenge."

camping

It was a spectacular weekend. Nakedness and sex abounded. It was exhilarating and free.

I can't share all of the pictures (some for anonymity and some for other reasons...), but one thing that shocked me when I saw them afterwards is how young my face looked. I've got no hair, but my face looked as line free and youthful as when I was 19 or 20. I was really quite shocked - and yes that is the word.

Smitten is a spectacular woman. I am lucky to have her in my life.

This is from my dating website profile - part of what I was hoping for when Smitten found me last year:

I'm looking for...
A person who can be passionate about me, and about spending time together. Being adequate, or even excellent "companions" isn't enough. I want a person who will be interested in me with the same passion and strength that I bring to a relationship. I want to be active and fit together - exercise, dance (I've always wanted to perfect my Salsa). I want to live a life of exuberance, joy and travel, not a life of endless home renovations (don't get me wrong, I still enjoy building things), chores, and hedge trimming. Someone who laughs at my jokes - my friends think I am hilarious, and say that a smile is rarely far from my face. Someone who can let loose their wild inner self at the right time. I want to be a part of a world that rejoices in infinite diversity, not ordered in small boxes and neat rows... I want to greet each day with the freshness, enthusiasm, energy, and possibility of first light on a spring morning

---

The place we stayed at. Our camp site is the little lighter coloured dot in the middle of the picture in the middle of the trees. the light coloured dot is the tent.


Smitten going down a walking bridge


Me going down the same bridge in the other direction


A view of the sandbars where we went after the bridge




I am so in love with this woman.




Me sucking it in for Smitten's benefit


The bridge we walked across from the sandbars in the pictures above (and me).


And finally:

the other beach trip

a short retrospective:

about a week after the first beach trip we went back. we went to the resort town, not the quiet beach.

we hit there around supper time and had supper at a fish and chips place. the fish and chips meal was, while completely unhealthy, a must do thing for Smitten - she had spent many summers in the resort town - her ex-husband's family has a cottage there. it was while spending much time alone/apart in that cottage that Smitten realised she did not wish to be married to her husband.

we sat in the sun and looked at boats in the marina. we took a long walk down the trails she would walk - she wanted to show me the places she would sit alone - that we would be together being in/occupying/filling her alone places.

after the walk i suggested we go for drinks/beer at this one beach place with a massive deck. we sat, we talked, we enjoyed the heat, the humidity, the air, the sound of the water and the beer.

it was dark by the time we were going to leave. there were only a few people around. though it is a resort place - there was a massive party/festival/outdoor concert near, as well as a home football game on that night. that meant all the yahoos weren't at the beach.

and as we were leaving i suggested we go for a walk on the beach. it was clear of people. the beach juts way out in the water in a big sand point. no lights.

[flashback]
when we arrived Smitten decided to change into some shorts. she did it in the parking lot with the door open so she had a wall on three sides (2 vehicles and the door) and me standing in the other space - there was no one around. she was bugging me about whether i was going to drop me pants to - jokingly suggesting we could have sex there in the parking loot

so i dropped my pants on the spot. she was shocked until she realised i had my swim trunks underneath.

she then teased me about being uptight and needing to lose that tendency
[/flashback]

forward in time:

we are walking on the beach and reach the point. she's breathing in the air and enjoying the sultry evening.

i say to her "So, i'm uptight am i?" and proceed to trip out of my clothes on the beach. she's a little taken aback but is a playful person. i splash a bit in the water and walk with her a short way.

i'm feeling a little awkward at this point and put my clothes back on on. She says that she wouldn't have had the guts to do that.

we head back to the vehicle and drive back to the city.

as we're driving a connection goes in my head. i say to her "You know, in reconsideration, I should have cavorted in the water and such for you. A bit of a display. I ended that pretty quickly because I was feeling awkward, but I shouldn't have - because it just occurred to me that that you actually like looking at me naked."

She said "Think about how you would have felt, or how you might have thought about it if it was me."

I said that it was a new thing to realise in my own head that someone found me physically attractive.

I was always of the view that i was OK enough looking, but that it was "patter" and "charm" that I had to keep a constant hustle going in order to get women to go out with me or sleep with me - the food and the dinners, the music and the events, the lines and the charm, the olympic sex - detailed study of female sexuality - that it was all a hustle because I didn't think any of these women were honestly attracted to me. That if I dropped the hustle for even a time they would realise that they didn't want to be around me...

It was a turning point in my view of myself and of my relationship with Smitten.

gonna party for the weekend

gone camping

emasculation and pain

i'm in a lot of pain. full blown fibromyalgia. as bad as it has been since maybe nov 2005 - feb 2006.

muscle spasms, headache, neck, everywhere - all locked up - rigid.

i have little feeling in most of my body - it's just locked and rigid - almost no sensitivity to the touch

went for massage this morning - my therapist was quite concerned and agreed it was a couple of years since it was this bad.

she referred me to an osteopath for some of my issues. i have been discussing some of the physicality of my sexual dysfunction with my massage therapist. i am of the opinion that part of the issue is muscular - there is one set of muscles around my hips/pelvic joint that when she releases them i can feel results in my penis and pubic area - not an erection but the change in feeling - that is - i can actually feel it...

i was having problems moving my legs this morning - especially after she began to work on them - just the muscle release alone - not pain - just release - made tears come while i was on the table

my massage therapist uses a different set of techniques than the usual beating to death swedish massage - hers are gentle and relaxation based - she works the muscles at the point they connect to the bone - it is called the St. John method (I believe this is the dude's website).

i picked up some codeine and am pleasantly buzzed right now - well buzzed anyway...

i am trying to redefine - to shift my view of what is happening in my life. at this time i feel powerless.

i am essentially entirely at the mercy of stbx-Mrs_C. taking her to court is a minimum of a six month venture. it will take about 6 weeks to get all the paperwork, notices and filing done for a court ordered mediation session (required by law before proceeding to trial). it will take 3-4 months to get a court date after that.

all she has to do is stall - my finances are on hold, my plans are on hold, my future is one hold... she just has to do nothing - and i'm still fucked.

i feel as emasculated as i felt before i left. and one of the things that's really shitty is that because of how i feel about this, she's able to cut me off sex without even being my partner... i'm tense and things aren't working

almost all of the things i want to do take money. the settlement is the key to moving forward. some pressure will be off starting in September a $418/month payment (vehicle) is over (last payment August 1)

money - house - is key to getting my daughter back.

i hate her (stbx)

she has told son that she is stalling because she believes that housing prices will drop and then she won't have to pay out as much.

in the meantime i wait.

i have deadlines looming at work - critical work - critical deadlines - the final conflict is coming soon - we are not assured of victory

i have realised that since i am powerless to change stbx-Mrs_C's actions, i am powerless to affect the outcome or force it any faster than it will come - i have to proceed and accept that things will happen when they happen

i have to make sure that i am timely in what i do - that i don't slough my filings or deadlines

i have to take care of myself - i have to take my vitamins, do my exercise, eat properly, sleep enough, practice relaxation and meditation, and take time for personal peace

i have to make people whom i feel are putting undo pressure on me aware that i feel they are, and ask them to not do so. i have to be assertive enough to ask people to wait for the things they ask me for if i am unable to do it within the timeline they ask or i assume or volunteer. i have to try to say no when i feel overwhelmed, and if i have accepted too much i have to tell people i have overcommitted and that other arrangements will have to be made.

i have to stop over-anticipating the needs of others and creating anxiety for myself when i do not meet or fulfill the anticipated need i have defined in my own head

----

if i don't get my house until next year - i don't get my house until next year

if daughter doesn't come back until then... daughter doesn't come back until then

Dad has things lined up for a mortgage - a house that would be perfect is coming on market soon... but if i don't get it, i don't get it. i can live where i am now. daughter has to make her own choices too - and even though i believe that she is making a mistake, maybe she has to learn that as well.

perhaps i need to put the lean on daughter. perhaps she needs to say no to her mother - maybe that is why this is happening - the reason - maybe i need to learn to do the things i outline in this post, and maybe daighter needs to stand up to her mother's bullying. perhaps daughter needs to say yes to me - swallow her wants and desires for the time being for my sake - maybe she can suck it up and come and spend at least one night a week/weekend with me even if she doesn't like the apartment.

maybe i need to get mad at her and tell her what selfish little shit she's being and that she can suck it up.

(cool - that last codeine i swallowed has really kicked in - i am feeling much better at this moment)

i need to make my situation work even with the elements i cannot control or force - otherwise i am back in the box i was before i left

Dad's burial site... a road trip story

I had planned on only taking the first week of July off from work. The rest I would take later. When my Dad found out I was off of work his calls became incessant. He was seriously disrupting my personal time, and my time with Smitten.

I could have just turned off my cell phone. But I don't want to. I want to be accessible to those who need to reach me - my children, my workplace, my business partners, and - my Dad (parents). Dad just has a problem with boundaries.

Just like I refuse to give up my email address that I have had since the early '90s (because of spam - approx 700 per day]), I refuse to turn off my cell phone to avoid Dad's calls.

There must be another solution (with spam filters I receive only about 30 of those 700). Turning off the cell phone would only address a symptom, and would also impact me and my own desire for how my life should be structured. I want my cell phone on because there are people who need to reach me. I want the freedom of not being chained to desk, and I want the freedom of not having to arrange excruciatingly detailed backup for my presence/absence. But I want those around me to self-regulate. The cell phone is for my convenience, not theirs - not his.

Anyway, I told Dad that I was going to take some time off in the second week of July and we would go do something together. I figured if I could take son or daughter days, I could take a Dad day and do something just with him. He had asked about doing some traveling around our area earlier in the year.

He had specifically raised the idea of going to the area where his family homesteaded. He had found a place that he found very peaceful - and abandoned church site that has a graveyard that is still used. He was thinking about being buried there. I knew that was why he wanted to go there with me. My Mom told him that he was nuts to want to be buried there and he wanted some validation and he wanted share the place.

These are cell phone pictures from that trip. The fields we are beside are seeded in canola (yellow flower). These pictures were taken about a mile down from the place where Dad wants to be buried. You can see (sort of) the lake at the horizon of the first picture.




It's beautiful country. While I bemoan the wasteland sometimes, other times the hugeness and the emptiness of it all is breathtaking. When you look at the pictures, realise how small a piece of the view that is. Imagine the flatness and the emptiness in every direction. Just open space. The second picture is me just turning left from where the first picture was taken.

A lot of air. A lot of space to breathe.

Off at the end of the road in the picture, there is a dark spot on the left. That is the trees and the hill that the abandoned church and graveyard are on.

Dad took me to a swack of places - I should have taken more pictures, but I didn't think of it until the moment I took those pictures. As usual I took pictures of the places, and not the people. I didn't take a picture of my dad on that day even though he could die at any time - that being part of the reason we went on the trip. With these ischemic episodes he's been having he is feeling quite mortal.

I took pictures of the places because it was the moment that will be frozen in time - not the people. They live and their presence is in my memory. I need to change that - i need to capture the people. Because it's the people that are important. But for whatever reason I capture the experience and the moment by my surroundings and not by the people.

I saw a lot of places that I had heard Dad talk about, but i had not seen in person. Hilltop shrines, cathedrals hand painted by war refugees, places where people had been born, and people had died. A bowl that was hand carved in 1875 by my great-great-grandfather (it was a wedding present - currently in a museum). I saw the places they went to fight the good fight. The miles and miles my Grandfather walked during the depression as he fought for a better world - to change our society into one that served the needs of people, not profit. The places that had voted with us. The places that had voted against us. The places where the people had reached for their last few cents in the depression to support the cause because they shared the dream. The places where our people were beaten by gangs of thugs wielding axe handles. The resistance to change and the better world was strong. Those who felt they stood to lose were ruthless.

Many places that no longer exist, or are just a collection of a few falling down buildings. They exist in memories of people like my father.

Where my Dad worked and lived as he grew. The places he, like his father, organized on behalf of the movement. The places he worked to try to build that same better world.

I saw a lot of train tracks. The trains was his lifeblood - his point of mobility. Just like I effortlessly travel the world on my computer and my networks - he traveled our area, catching overnight trains to reach his destinations. He was a young man on the move with a lot of vigour and passion.

The places where my father and uncles were born. Where my one uncle died long before I was born. The cathedral they tried to find solace in after his death at age 15. A cathedral hand painted by a war refugee, built by people who had fled the privation and violence that was endemic in many parts of Europe ant the end of the last century.

The places my grandmother stood and defended the idea of the common wealth, and defended her children from those who attacked them because their parents were demanding social change. Things like medical care for all regardless of ability to pay, free education, good roads, decent wages, and safety and protection in their workplace.

My father was sharing some of his life with me so that I would know too. So that it would be more than just words. It would be places and visions. So that it wouldn't be lost. With only that endless sky as witness.

...a road trip story.

why this blog is self-absorbed (RANT/BLAST)

to the person who reads this blog who thinks i should be more balanced:

the blog is about me

it is the place i go to explore my personal feelings. my feelings about my life. it is not the place i go to be balanced about things, or about my stbx.

it is the place where i reflect on what goes on in my head and how i feel - however unhinged or self-centred that may be.

no, person, i do not think i am so great. while i try to be good, and try to be decent...

i am well acquainted with my shortcomings as a human being. also, any that i am/was not aware of intrinsically were pointed out to me in detail over a long period of time. this blog and discussing my feelings openly and frankly is part of how i am changing myself - to get past my shortcomings

and part of how i will decide if any of those shortcomings are just character traits that aren't going away and that i choose not to change and anyone who wants to be around me is just going to have to learn to live with or they can kiss my ass - they can leave

i am approaching my life rebuilding with a methodology that i believe is sound. with a methodology that has been reviewed by 3 professional counselors (2 psychologists, and 1 social worker), and 2 doctors - and that is being reviewed with one of those counselors on an ongoing basis and with my doctor as needed.

all 5 of these people think i'm a little aberrant with their usual practice because i actually developed a change plan. a written analysis and plan (part of which is based on some of my blog entries) - they all said they thought that the plan and analysis was sound - just they'd never seen anyone be that methodical before - and that it was little strange.

part of the plan involves constantly examining how i feel - to understand the tones/flavours and nuances of my emotional responses in order to work with how i really feel instead of being in a state of denial or repression.

i am well aware that it takes 2 to make or break a marriage, but i disagree that both partners are always equally responsible for what takes place in it. to cite an instance we all know in the blogging world - is the Certifiable Princess (CP) equally responsible for the beatings and shit she took in her relationship with Tony? is she equally responsible for the break-up of that relationship? scroll down on this linked archive page until you reach Tuesday, March 21, 2006 The saga begins: A Four Part Story.. re-read that multi-part post - person with the comments.

and, opinion person, read CP's comment again:

"I want you to go to MY four part story and read it. Read it twice. Read it until you understand that the abuse that your wife is perpetrating upon you is NO DIFFERENT than the beatings, the bloody beatings that were inflicted upon me. I nearly vomited reading part three of your story, because it was the same vicious cycle of violence that I have experienced with my ex..."

Kristin wrote:

"For quite a few years I have worked professionally with women suffering abuse. Reading your blog has been almost as seeing their stories repeated ... with one notable exception: You have switched around the parts."

Cadbury wrote:

"Over the years she has pulled out every bit of my emotional being - like pulling a mussel out of its shell - and exposed it to air. And minced it. And then shoved it back in, or let me gather up the bits and try to recover.

Sort of like when you hear about the rapist demanding their victim pick up the clothes scattered around and put their clothes back on "Why are you naked? Get dressed!!!"

This conversation, on top of all of the rest over the last year or two, had left me with nothing left to be extracted for torture."

as for whether i should be saying anything good about stbx-Mrs_C - i do - sometimes. and to suggest that i am somehow insinuating that she did nothing right through our marriage is wrong. she just made most days misery, and on many that she didn't make miserable i was still hurting from the last time she shredded me.

so most of the time i don't feel very well disposed toward her and don't think that i need to or have to portray her in a positive light. why? because i don't feel like it. i'm really mad at her, and i'm really hurt, and to be honest i don't give shit if you think i should be nicer to her here on my pseudonymous blog.

so, person with the opinion, if you are looking for balance, go somewhere else - maybe FOX news or something. i'm not making you come back and read this blog.

as for me, i am going to continue to explore my life and its recasting.

to quote someone i know in the blogging world:

"It's for my benefit, not anyone elses. If you don't like what you're reading, then perhaps you are in the wrong place! "

irritation

my kids came back from their vacation time with their mother. i got to spend some time with them yesterday. went for brunch, got the boy a haircut, bought a few clothes they need, bought myself a few clothes.

a couple of things stand out at this point:

we were yakking about stuff, they were telling me about their trip and what they liked and what bugged them.

they were talking about how their mom and boyfriend bob interrelated during the trip. i just let them yak - both out of curiousity and to just them a chance to debrief. a couple of times i steered them away from some mom bashing they were doing (no really, i did). i reminded them that they did not need to bash their mom or bob to make me happy and that it was just fine by me if they liked bob or got along with him, and that i hoped that they would love their mother - and that everyone has their faults and their positives - "Even me" i said (humourous tone). i tell them that it i don't think i serves any purpose to have a bunch of back and forth between their mom and i.

they tell me that they were pleased to be out of the house because their Mom had gotten all "emo" and weepy the night before (after they had gotten back) and started looking at pictures in albums of the family when we were together and talking about how wonderful it was. i'm told she does this pretty regularly. she started the morning doing the same thing. she started talking about how i had destroyed our lives together and destroyed our family.

i told them that it is appropriate for a person to mourn and to be angry about that kind of personal loss. I told them that that how much each of us is to blame is irrelevant at this point. that even if i was totally to blame, that there is no going back now and we have to make the best lives for the future that we can.

we yak some more

while talking son says that he thinks his mom thinks he's going to grow up to be fat lazy and ugly. i'm going "Huh? explain this". son tells me that his mother told him "[Son], I want you to know - no mater if you get fat, or you don't have many friends or anything - or if other people say you're ugly or fat - I'll still love you. I'll always be there for you."

Son says that he doesn't think he's fat (he has a bit of a belly on him - not much - maybe 10-15 lbs [he's 15, approx 5ft 8in, and weighs about 190 - he's like me in build - ultra solid build - really huge legs - his shoulders are wider than mine])

i say "Well your Mom has her own standards for things. Standards others could never quite meet."

my daughter laughs and says "You know what's funny. Both you and Mom say exactly the same things about each other. Mom says: 'I could never live up to his high standards" and 'I could never do anything right'".

I responded "Those are my lines. Your Mom doesn't get to steal them. No, she doesn't get to steal them."

"Think back to when she started saying that, and you'll realise that I have been saying the same thing for several years. But that's what your Mom does. Any time I have ever accused her of something, or have actually given her shit about something, it came back to me shortly after."

----

Yep, now she's using my lines...

Goddamn

that bugs me.

at least she could get her own complaints - or stick to her own complaints.

do you think i'm too available?

Smitten asked me that question.

She said "Considering you can have me pretty much any time you want me, do you think I'm too available? Will it get boring for you - does there need to be the 'thrill of the hunt'?"

I thought she was referring to my intermittent sexual dysfunction. To me not hopping after her every second of the day.

I was overwhelmed by emotions i don't have any name for.

I told her it was one of my strongest desires to be desired. To have someone who was truly attracted to me.

I rather haltingly told her that if she was to pull herself away, or make herself less available to make me "hunt" more, that it would destroy me. I told her that I didn't want that to be viewed as a *you must sleep with me or it will cause irreparable psychological damage* - i told her that she was free to say no for any reason - even whim - but that if she were to withdraw artificially - for the purposes of making me chase her more - i'd be crushed.

I was lying on her bed. She came and straddled on top of me. She saw that she had gone somewhere bad for me. She told me that she was asking because she was unsure of whether it was "proper" or the best thing to do - that she had never been as sexually attracted to someone like she is with me - and thought about whether her actions were crossing any boundaries they shouldn't. That she wasn't even considering it from the perspective of my feelings, just about her behaviour - sort of a "good girl/bad girl" thing.

I was relieved to hear what she said.

I was pretty highly emotional by that point. her question had come out of the blue for me, and had bypassed all sorts of filters and had hit a fear pretty deep inside me. having my leash jerked like that again would kill me.

I began to cry. I tried to stop but she whispered in my ear to let it out - to not control it. To allow the tears to heal - to release. i cried deeply and for some time

i knew i was angry. i knew i was affronted. i knew that i was traumatised.

i hadn't quite seen the deep hurt before.

it was someplace else than the other things i've talked about

i'm still not quite over that incident even though it's been almost 2 weeks.

house hunting and mortgages

i've been looking at houses

i keep wondering what's the point. without a settlement i can't do anything.

stbx-Mrs_C will be back this weekend sometime. we'll see what transpires.

i told the lawyer to get everything ready. i'm a little pissed because i have been phoning her (the lawyer) since last week with a question and she hasn't gotten back to me yet.

she's a junior lawyer in the firm i've used all my life, and the firm my parents have used since the '60s

i am a very good friend with the senior partner, but hesitate to complain quickly.

my dad is prepared to buy a house on my behalf and then rent it to me for a month or two until the settlement is done - then i would buy it from him

there is a house that would do me perfectly that is coming up for sale. i don't want to miss it.

it is in my price range (approx $135,000). it meets my specifications for number of bedrooms (3) and bathrooms (2). it is not far from Smitten and is a couple of blocks from one of daughter's better friends.

it has a decent yard, is in a reasonable neighbourhood, and has space for a garage. it is a small house (about 841 sq ft main floor) with a basement. it has room and a structure that is suitable for an addition if i wanted.

i don't want to make myself beholden to my Dad, and have been trying to explain my concerns about the transaction and the relationship he and i have. i'm just trying to face it straight on.

my Mom was going to participate in the transaction, but has decided it is too much for her to handle. she is also not quite as happy with the way i have been living and spending lately.

she figures that if i am poor enough to ask for help, i'm too poor to go on trips to the music festival and stay in the hotel we did and such. she is also concerned about my job prospects if things go bad during the final conflict.

i told her that i would keep my job (union) unless we were completely wiped off the map, but i guess the fact that i had such extensive plans for disaster said more to her than my assurances. at least that's how she presented it to my Dad.

she also is concerned my Dad could have a debilitating stoke or die between now and a settlement and doesn't want to do clean-up on matters. I told my Dad that the best solution would be a step by step set of understandings as to how it would be dealt with that would be prepared by his lawyer (the senior partner, not the one that doesn't call back...).

blah, blah, blah

i wish i had a house

i'm sick of living in the apartment. i'm sick of hanging in between. i'm sick of my credit card payments. i want them paid off.

i'm sick of stbx-Mrs_C still being able to jerk my leash with this last bit of shit to deal with.

I want to move on.

i want my own place.

Beach Trip

i don't want to work anymore

i don't want conflict as a way of life

for the first time, i don't want to go back to work

----

the first week off continued. Smitten and i decided to go to the beach. there is this beach outside the city - a small cottage community. not a resort community - a cottage community. it is up a hillside and has a small beach. it is about 10 miles from the big resort community outside our city.

i like the cottage place better.

1 store. that's it. fully treed in, little gravel roads, small lots, kind of crazy construction. no new lots allowed. no new construction areas.

the resort community is going full bore. it's a town - not a cottage place.

the resort community is kind of dun because of it's touristy nature, but like going to the fair/exhibition - only fun for a few hours at a time.

----


we went to the beach.

we laid in the sun.

we got tanned. dermatologists be damned. i have a vitamin D deficiency remember...

Smitten has seasonal affective disorder...

sunlight is good. it clears out a lot of cobwebs.

----

we went to the beach.

i was so at peace

i was so unstressed

i was so not worried about anyone or anything

i didn't have to worry about protecting myself or about possible sudden massive attack from out of nowhere

i just was

i was warm, and i was relaxed