Hell weekend - Part 2 (scheduling the day)

Read Part 1 below first

---

In the 9:30 - 10:00 am period I was also trying to rouse my daughter from bed (son was at my parents overnight visiting and doing some work at their place). A friend of daughter's called to invite her over in the early afternoon.

Mrs_C got called in to work to look after a development there (2 hours call-in).

What was going to be a straightforward weekend had hit a minor scheduling snarl which should have been easy to untangle, but Mrs_C was dragging her feet on making a decision.

While waiting for a response on how things would be scheduled between going to the art show, the call-in, daughter going to friend, picking up son, and my exercise I did dishes and cleaned the house.

This made it easy for Mrs_C to put off a decision because there was activity to divert attention - the time slipped away. She also put off making a call to her sister (parent of nieces) to see if they would go at the same time as us. Mrs_C wanted to do her own thing but felt obligated to do all this and go with her sister and instead of making a quick decision. The easy window for me to go exercise was slipping away as was the ability to juggle everything else.

I broached the subject and insisted on getting a response on timing because I wanted to go exercise. This opened the flood. Apparently when I had put her off on going to this barbeque I had told her in her mind that I was embarrassed to be seen in public with her. [you should feel how my heart is pounding and stomach flopping with anxiety even just typing this now that it is all over]

I will spare you the about an hour long bizarre logic train and discussion involved with this supposition. It also meanders into my exercise being an excuse to spend time away from her and that I seem to be arranging things to maximise my time away from her. She wouldn't listen to me pointing out that my plan for the day would maximise time together and provide the largest amount of time for all the things she wanted to do. She was on her tear and there was no escape.

She was saying things like "I know that I am too fat and too ugly and you're embarrassed to be around me," and "I'm just too stupid for you to want to be with me, and I accept that." She would cut me off and argue and divert when I tried to address any of these statements or the other stuff she dragged into the situation - always with the most bizarre twist you can imagine.

Even saying I would defer my exercise to any time she wanted over the weekend wasn't good enough because the conversation was now about me trammeling her with my agenda - that she had priorities too, but they always got put off in favour of what everyone else wanted to do and that her priorities had been put off for the entire period of our marriage and even before we got married (she didn't move to a different city because she wanted to be with me).

It ended up that she had put things off so long, and ranted for so long, and wasted so much time, that her sister had left without her. She was going to be late going in to go to work, and the entire window for me to exercise, and then us to go to the art show, and then her go to work had been wasted on her ranting fit. Daughter had already advised her friend that it would not work out for her and daughter's friend to get together.

I went to exercise, she went to work (took our daughter with her). I met them at home after we were both done (2 hours) and we were to go to the art show.

Someplace in here she says she's going to leave and live somewhere else, and I would stay in the house because I couldn't afford to find my own place (not actually true, but it let's her skewer me one more time on financial issues). She also was still in her "I'm fat/ugly/useless" mode (none of which is true, by the way - let me underline that!). I say "What about the kids?" and she says "They should stay with the better parent, and there's no argument that you are the better parent." I respond that the kids need both parents in their lives and that we need to discuss this a little better than the scenario she is thrusting onto our family's lives.

Mrs_C had also by this point been saying stuff about not even going to the show with me (I wanted to be there for the nieces - I like them, they like me). And then about not going to the show at all - she told daughter and I to go without her. Daughter said that she would not go without her mother. Mrs_C gave in. We went.

When we arrived at the show she refused to walk with me. Our poor daughter (10 years old) was just fluttering around her mother trying to facilitate Mrs_C having a good time (daughter had hid in her room, but had heard plenty - including the "I'm to fat, too ugly, and too stupid rant"). Mrs_C tried to put daughter off from hanging around her (daughter REALLY wanted to go to the art show - 10 year old girl with mega artsy crafty tendencies - cousins in their early 20s with booth at art show - cousins are brilliant [high marks, degrees, ethnic dancers - like my daughter] drop dead gorgeous [really, really, really gorgeous] and "artsy stylin" with similarly attractive artsy friends - all wearing great "artsy/hottie fashion" - they take daughter out for coffee and dessert, art shows, shopping, movies, and play-days when they are in town [and they are completely sincere in enjoying time with her - these are wonderful young women] - daughter thinks the sun rises and sets on them and wants to be just like them).

We wander around show - put on a reasonable show for the nieces when we get to their booth (they don't need to know what's going on) - we wander a little more.

It may sound stupid and inane, but it was horrifying to be in the middle of all of this. I was ready to run in circles screaming and moaning or just puke. I felt awful for the girl (daughter). I tried to pry her way from Mrs_C, but daughter wouldn't go. I was really worried that this was an indication of how things would turn out if we ever split.

It's all a little fuzzy at this point. Someplace in here Mrs_C tells me she wants to go home and for me not to be there - and that I should go pick up son. Someplace in here she tells me she's packing a bag and leaving to think about things while I'm out doing the taxi run. Someplace in here it also is the case that it is sprinkling/raining and we need to pick up son at an outdoor sporting practice instead of the initial plan of me dropping Mrs_C off at home. We do so - pick up son and his friend and their equipment.

I drop Mrs_C at home, she has said things (so only I can hear) in the vehicle like "You drop son's friend off, and I'll pack while you're gone - take both kids with you to do the drop off" and "So - you're ok with this?" My response was "NO - we need to talk." It's not that I had a problem with her leaving, I just was concerned about the kids and how they would take it - especially daughter.

But the inevitability of it all just cruised forward. I had by this point decided that even if I ended up losing my daughter (in the spiritual and connection sense), that I could not go forward this way. That I would have to abandon her to the maelstrom - to try to hold on would kill both of us - if I let go long enough to regain myself, maybe I could rescue her, or find a new connection to her in the future.

(One or more of you have said to me that I have to save myself first in order to be there for my children. Someone compared it to putting on your own oxygen mask first in the event of cabin depressurisation.

I had talked to a friend of mine last week [the guy I went on the Asia/Pacific business trip with last summer before first announcing I was leaving]. I had asked him about the actual logistics of packing up and walking out the door - how do you do it? My friend said that there was no right setting - you just had to do it when you were strong enough. He said that he had left his first wife - with his children crying at the door. There was strain and some resentment from his kids. He said that now - five or so years later - his kids want to stay with him and don't even want to go back to their mother's place [our jurisdiction's joint custody rules again]).

I dropped Mrs_C off at home - daughter tried to get out with Mrs_C - Mrs_C said "NO". Daughter asked "Why?" Mrs_C says "Just go" and closes the vehicle door. And we left to drop off son's friend.

Hell weekend - Part 1 (prelude)

Our story begins on Monday. Mrs_C phones me at work and tells me that she has booked off early on Tuesday and Thursday - she calls as I'm proofreading some stuff and I hear Tuesday and Wednesday. No matter she says she getting off early on those two nights to finish the redecorating of our daughter's room. This has zero impact on my existence other than the usual frenzy surrounding Mrs_C renovations.

On Tuesday I get a snap invitation to a barbeque. This invite has to do with getting "sniffed" by various people with regard to my additional duties and money. I tell Mrs_C that I will be going to this BBQ on Thursday. She says "Oh, will I be going too?" I say no, I thought you were working. I really did think she was working that night - I knew she could have asked for extra time off, but... You see, almost every other time I tried to take Mrs_C to an event related to my work - events which often involve less socializing and more active "working the room" - she hates it and wants to leave early, pouts, whines, and otherwise ruins both my ability to work the room, and my fun (I like "working a room" - I'm really good at it).

(historical tangent/rant)Several times she has pulled out of events (like fundraisers and such), that I had bought tickets for, immediately before we were to leave - literally as we were dressing and going she would spaz and have a fit about going and "being on display" and such. Or she would say she had nothing to wear to the event. On several occasions I felt badly that she had a wardrobe she felt was out of date or not up to snuff. She would point to all the stuff she had bought me (and the kids) and say things like "I'm never the one to get any new clothes because I'm always buying things for you and the kids. I end up spending all my money on you." I would point out that we hadn't actually asked for new stuff. Anyway, the fact that she only bought shit for us and didn't buy clothes for herself became and example of how she loved us more than we loved her, and that she was just our servant. On a number of these occasions in response (not immediately of course - enough time lapse that there was no obvious direct linkage to her rant) I went out myself and bought her new seasonal wardrobes (I have very good taste in women's clothing - not so good on the guy clothing front). The only problem with buying big chunks of her wardrobe is that it became an example of how I was trying to control her by even determining what she would wear... or that I was imposing my tastes on her, or that I had missed some variety of item.(end of rant)

But back to our story, Mrs_C seemed a little miffed she wasn't going (but not much), but I don't need to be rattled going into this BBQ and we would both be under a microscope - she would be very rattled - I know her. She hates anything where she thinks people might be judging her. I am also of the opinion she would have pulled out before going.

I go to the barbeque. It's fine, I'm a hit. A really big hit - let me repeat how much I owned that event.

Things are stable arriving home.

Friday: something's in the air, but I don't know what because it's very vague. I'm hyperattuned to the potentiality of an impending storm, so I can tell something's brewing.

I'm having a bad fibromyalgia day. That's been coming for awhile and it broke on Friday - pain, spasms, difficulty moving - the works. Stress (see the last several entries) and the weather (cloudy rainy).

Mrs_C kindly helps with a bit of massage, but I can see she's unhappy I'm not going to be able to perform sexually - I have to tell her straight up that it's not going to happen.

Saturday: I get up earlier than her. I go to read the news and eat my breakfast/drink coffee while on my computer. You see I'm not allowed to have the newspaper delivered anymore because all it is "clutter" - she has a fit if there is ever a newspaper left lying around. So I read the news on my computer.

While I'm reading I get a call from one of Mrs_C's nieces inviting us to an art show that our other niece has a display at (both adults - early 20s).

Mrs_C gets up awhile later and comes down - I can tell she's pissed about something by the way she comes down the stairs and slaps laundry baskets around. I figure she thinks I'm looking at porn or some such.

So I quick hop up and say let's go have coffee in the living room together. We do. It's tense even though we are exchanging pleasantries and banalities.

I say I've got to go exercise (it's ~9:30 am) and that I should get going soon so we can fit everything in that we need to during the day.

This is the beginning of the downward slide.

Gonna Use My...

I was reading your responses to my last post, and thinking - yep - I got owned pretty bad in that last "conversation".

Went to bed last night and Mrs_C was all over me. She had also made her intentions clear the night before (night of blah, blah, blah [see below]), but I was really tired - I also had no will or ability to "get it up", quite frankly. As I have mentioned before I don't do so well in the "service" department in the aftermath of these sessions. Mrs_C seems to get some kind of emotion rush related turn-on, but not me.

Anyway, that and your various comments got me to thinking today. I thought - Mrs_C is not on me that aggressively otherwise. Her specific actions within that context were also out of the ordinary (usually it's me trying to work her up, not the other way around).

I remembered one time in the fall when she said she was going to use every wile and trick she had available to her to hold me in the marriage.

And I thought about her out of character sexual forwardness and "aggressive" come-on (not that I mind - in fact it would have been welcome - for years - instead of me always being the one to have to try to get her to participate).

Yeah... deked after the speech and tossed a sexual fishhook.

What will arrive today?

A new shirt? New exercise outfit?

She says she's being nice when she does all this. Trying to make everything work.

Booked a joint appointment with the counselor today.

See how that goes when it happens. I committed to at least starting that process, so I intend to go through with at least the motions of attending while I figure out how the hell to make the next "I'm leaving" speech. BTW - we don't pay for the sessions - they're covered under benefit plans - so we're out no money.

----

I've been approached about the possibility of getting paid more with only a minor increase in duties (there's some hurdles to jump through in internal processes, though). My operation here now believes I'm underpaid - they recently figured out what it would cost to hire the 3 staff it would take to replace my skillset(s)(no, I am not bullshitting you). So that's OK. A raise and more recognition would be OK ;-)

Well, That Didn't Quite Work Out As Intended

Context: I've been thinking every day about a/the scenario in which to drop the bomb again and how to introduce "hey honey, i'm leaving" into a conversation.

I'm trying to wait until after kids exams are done now that all the shows and recitals and festivals are done.

This is quickly written and i apologise if any of it seems flip. It's not. Especially when living it.

----

It's the big taxi day for the kids (from after work for a couple of hours). My son had imprecise instructions on where he's going for his stuff. I call to let Mrs_C know that I'm taking a long time for a good reason... we fianlly find the place he's supposed to go to

I get home. I eat (about 7:30) and get ready to go pick up my son right after. I advise Mrs_C I'm heading out - her reply is curt and a little snippy. I say "It's not like I planned to be given wrong directions and be late in order to avoid you."

She says "I don't care if you're avoiding me or not."

blah, blah, blah

Apparently she was up until 5 am the night before, while i slept, thinking about how i don't show her the level of feeling and emotion i should and never have. blah, blah, blah. yeah - maybe now i'm a little insincere, but i am still trying to do the best for the kids and still trying to avoid a rupture that would destroy all the members of our family - including her and I.

I'm thinking this is actually opportune (sorry if that view seems cold). I can introduce the concept of "we're finished" in a "conversation/diatribe" she instigated and maintain the "moral high ground".

After a bit i cut it off and leave to get my son.

I return. blah, blah, blah. emotion this, sincerity that, consideration this, cadbury's a bad person and has been since we were married. i say "well, we don't seem to agree on anything sand it doesn't look like we will so what's the point?" she says she's done everything for me since we were married - at the expense of her own personal well being. i ask "how's that work?" you were kind a bag lots of the time. she says "maybe i was but i showed my love in other ways and you didn't". she says - "look at all the shit i bought you, like lots of your clothes" (i respond by pointing out that 2/3 of her clothes were bought by me). i ask if she really wants to do a tally of everything nice either one has done through our whole marriage. she says no.

blah, blah, blah - i've never been sincere in my emotions or intentions or actions toward her.

at this point i've had it. i've been steering things toward "nothing will ever work between us", but i am piqued by the suggestion that i have been insincere since day one, and insincere prior to about a month or two ago. damnit i've tried. (mrs_C says if i really loved her i would have tried harder)

i launch into a solioquay about how i felt when we married, and how i tried through our marriage, but things haven't worked. sure i've made mistakes and i admit that, but my intentions were always good, and i can't live with where we've ended up and that's why i was always suggesting counselling because i don't think we can make it.

it was a speech of beauty. it was perhaps my finest performance ever. sincere (for real - there was a lot of emotion in it) - a choice excerpt below:

"I've never wanted to be a man like other men. I wanted to be different. I saw the damage done to you by other men, and the damage that wasn't done by them was done by your mother. i tried to heal that - tried to heal you - to staunch the open and gaping wounds with my body - and with my soul"

a shakespearean actor should be so good (and i should know, i've worked with more than a few them in theatre). i am a great public speaker. on a good day my voice is somewhere between Barry White and James Earl Jones with the white guy tones of Gregory Peck - with all the righteousness and passion of Peck as Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird.

there was emotion and passion and sorrow woven together with words that i don't know where they came from (my soul, i guess). i've written scripts for plays and speeches for politicians professionally, and this was a doozer by any standard.

ooops

i had intended this speech as a eulogy - a powerful requiem for our marriage

she was overwhelmed by it all and said she really loved me and would do anything for me

i weakly replied that i was referring to how i felt in the past and that we didn't seem to be getting it straight now

she said she would never doubt me again

i said - uh, we're not out of the woods with some serious issues

she said "i know, but i will never doubt your intentions"

i stumbled and stuttered

she had been paged into work earlier and left

the rest of the evening was calm with no reference to the earlier conversation

----

i have no idea of whether i did actually overwhelm her with emotion or whether the terrible inevitablility of my logical progression was utterly apparent and she just blind sided me (remember my son's comment about "master manipulator")

yesterday i figured overwhelmed

today, on sober second thought i'm figuring blind siding

time to try again

Visit To The Joint Counsellor

I went to the counsellor the other day (solo). The same counsellor Mrs_C went to see (solo) as noted at the beginning of Monday, May 22, 2006 - Incidents Of Note and in Monday, May 15, 2006 - Errata and answers. The counsellor is good - over 20 years experience.

I am skeptical of the results, though. After listening to her spiel I think I can accurately predict the outcome.

The counsellor's key starting point is each partner understanding and acknowledging the other partner's emotions and feelings (whether on consideration you believe they are valid or substantive, or not) - you have to acknowledge and understand them.

This looks like open territory for Mrs_C to tell me that I'm not understanding or acknowledging her feelings (see further: almost every other blog entry to date). Then to use that precept/pretext to berate me for hours.

I talked to the counsellor for a couple of hours. We went extra long. A number of things came out in the session. Mrs_C had not described many of the things that are issues (or at least I think they are issues). I said that I considered anything that caused a tongue-lashing of more than 30 minutes in duration to be an issue (the counsellor agreed). I said that I considered anything that caused a "discussion" of more than 1 hour in duration to an issue (the counsellor agreed). I said that I considered anything that had been described by Mrs_C as a cause for Mrs_C threatening to leave me any of the times she did so as an issue. The counsellor agreed these were reasonable arguments for something to be considered an "issue".

She did warn me that having to be "right" is an element of bad communication in a relationship. She warned me that trying to establish a "logical basis" for a discussion based around a set of "factual assumptions" or "postulates" could be considered overtly hostile in a discussion.

She said that communication, acknowledgement, and understanding had to come before any application of problem solving techniques or processes.

I understand what she is saying.

I also consider it crap.

Complete and utter crap.

At least given the context of my current relationship. It looks to me like an excuse for Mrs_C to derail any discussion into some endless mind and soul numbing experience of "understanding" and "acknowledgement" of the validity of her irrational and erratic emotional state instead of fucking rational discussion based on some semblance of logic.

Our next appointment is a joint appointment. I await the outcome, and experiencing the counsellor's deft words in altering Mrs_C's approach. I await the shining light of God coming down and making me understand what the magic words and actions I'm supposed to be able to put forth to make the magical "emotional connection" with Mrs_C that I am supposed to not be able to make right now.

Yes. I know I sound negative. And I am. But I can only see the possibility of me having to sublimate myself further to Mrs_C's vagaries and emotional turmoil.

But I will go. Hope springs eternal. I will put a solid effort in, and I will not sabotage the process.

Sorry I Am A Bad Blogger

I have been advised (in a nice and positive way) that I am not a good blogger because I do not reply to your comments on an individual basis.

This is true. After having it pointed out to me, I realise that yes, this is bad blogging etiquette.

Henceforth, I will reply appropriately to your comments.

My excuse (i always have one handy):

I feel self absorbed enough by posting about me, me, me. I feel awkward about continuing on down that path too far in comments. I will attempt to strike a balance.

I try to maintain bi-directional conversational interaction by visiting and posting on your blogs very regularly.

Also, many times your excellent posts and comments prompt elements of future posts, so replies are subsumed in a new post.

Absence Makes The Heart Grow... What?

Mrs_C was out of town on a work related trip. I was so relaxed. I slept sooooo well.

So did the kids. Why did it only take 30 minutes to get them to bed and another 15 minutes for them to fall asleep when it's usually a 2-3 hour trial to get them to bed and sleep? (yes - i start at 8:45 and usually end around 11 - 11:30 - sometimes later with my son)

Could it be that they didn't have to endure us being out in the garage having another 3 hour "conversation" earlier in the evening?

Could it be that no-one yelled at them for being lazy? Or for not picking up their laundry? How strange to have someone call you to your room in an even voice and say "Hey, can you pick that stuff up, please?"

She's most likely back today. It will be an interesting contrast to observe.

Lawyer Visit Report

I return from the lawyer visit feeling considerably better. The divorce laws in our jurisdiction are painfully progressive - no punitive elements, all based on principles of fairness and equal division of assets and parental access (usually this helps women more than men). Here's the scoop:

1) Property and income would be split down the middle. Mrs_C actually makes about $5K/yr more than me, so I'm OK (I wouldn't be asking her for support payments...).

2) I would get half her pension (and she half mine - but hers is worth more than mine), but I wouldn't take that either - I would request we just retain our own.

3) The law in our jurisdiction has full joint custody as the starting point of any separation and divorce, so I'm safe there. Outside of being able to show I am a danger to my children, there is no way Mrs_C could do anything to stop joint custody.

(theoretically she could take me to court and some initial judge could make a whacked out ruling [not likely to happen - but hey, maybe they would lose their mind in the middle of writing the ruling], but it would be overturned on an appeal)

4) There is nothing I could do (assuming I maintain my present state of mind and actions) that would affect the above.

• Having an affair could only affect the declared date of separation (the date of effective property split) - not that I am intending on having an affair.
  
• Even that previous unfortunate event with Mrs_C would not affect custody. Relations between spouses are considered separately from relations with children under our divorce laws.
  
• Even if I were to leave the house, and the kids were to remain with their mother in the house we currently own, while I set up my own domicile it would not affect either a property split or custody.
  

I was discussing the property division with my lawyer (a woman). I was saying that I was thinking of only taking 40% of the value of our property because I had paid less of the bills during the time I was unemployed and underemployed.

She stopped me and said "I thought you told me you were looking after the kids?" I replied in the affirmative. She said "So, it was entirely your decision to stay home, and if you'd been offered a job in that period you would have dumped the kids at the first possible moment and taken the job - and your wife would have agreed you should do that?"

I had to say "No". On both counts. I was running my business, but I had the opportunity to get a more fixed hour job at one point - we decided that it would be disruptive to the kids if I did. Me being home for them after school most days, driving my daughter to pre-school and then to her grandmother's place, covering the days Grandma couldn't look after her, lessons, all the doctor's appointments, sick days, every school skit/concert, parent/teacher interview, school volunteering - all were my bailiwick.

I realised for the first time that it was not just me being unable to get work - the mythology that holds in our house - it was a joint decision. It was not just me "wanting" to run my own business and Mrs_C "supporting me" (as she said not three days ago) - it was a joint decision. She said I should not accept the job I was offered - it paid only slightly more than I was earning in my business (about $32,000) and would have locked in my hours. Just for the record I consider the business to have paid about $4000 per year more because it (being primarily home based) covered a bunch of bills that are now paid out of pocket (and business related expenses/write-offs).

She said two days ago (when she was in a snuggly mood) that she always liked me being home all the time before because then she could have as much of my time as she wanted. This stands in direct contrast to her statement of the day before when she said she had to support me while I was "slacking at home" running my "loser business" while she "paid the bills".

Sorry, I'm getting off topic slightly.

The bottom line is that I am also now fully considering the value and priority we placed in our marriage of the childcare I provided and the fact that it was indeed a joint decision, and that I shouldn't be guilty or embarrassed that I earned less in that period because at least part of that lower earning level was a joint decision.

More Infidelity Accusations...

(yes, i'm still convincing myself of the need to leave Mrs_C)

Just a quick note on more ridiculous moments. More on this weekend in later posts.

So apparently I was having an affair with a lesbian woman who worked in our office last year. And her partner. At the same time. Other than the idea that a committed multi-year lesbian couple having an affair with me being just some really dumb assed shit, I dunno. Of course Mrs_C couldn't actually tell me a time when she didn't really know where I was exactly... you know - when I might have actually had the opportunity to have this affair.

She just had visions of it. Or some fucking thing.

I got really mad and told her that if she was going to accuse me of something she had better bloody well make sure it was logistically possible before saying it. And that i wouldn't mind if her delusions actually had any remote possibility of possibility.

Yep. Then last night I went to my parents place to fix my Dad's computer. It ran about an hour and a half longer than I projected when I left, but I had said that I wouldn't know until I started working on it. I called twice from my parents phone while working to give an update (we were going to watch a movie when I arrived home). there is call display on our home phone so she knew where i called from.

When I came home she told me she thought I was with another woman and that's why I took so long.

Aaaaargh!!!

I told her to phone my parents and ask them. She wouldn't. I asked why she didn't phone over and see where I was while she was thinking this shit up.

She said something to the effect of she didn't really believe it but she was afraid I might be having an affair. I returned to the "WHEN" question.

She then asked me where I really was the night she was out of town with the kids and I was having dinner with my parents. I told her having dinner with my parents.

I also suggested she call again. She wouldn't.

She's nice to me a fair bit of the time, but then there are these whacked out episodes.

As I mentioned previously, Stockholm Syndrome is alive and well in my person. I know why I love(d) her, and why I like her often times, but also why I am moving inexorably toward divorce.

Lawyer Appointment Made For Mid Next Week

as above

Stockholm Syndrome And Being Rescued By My Son

(this post contains pseudo-quotes. They are as close to the real thing as I can make them. I have also condensed pieces of conversations for length... intent is as accurate as I able to make it)

Yesterday she had me.

We talked after supper.

I had driven the kids to their respective activities and had returned to finish my reheated supper. Mrs_C had planted part of the garden in a light rain (she wanted to get it in before a full rain). She had come in and taken a bath because she got all muddy while planting. We talked. I was being positive and complimentary about things that she does - I have it in my head that if I try to find and reinforce positive messages and feelings in my dealings with her it will make relations better - hasn't worked so far, but that result has never stopped me flogging away at a good theory before... anyway, I told her that she had shown dedication by doing the planting in the rain, and that such dedication was highly commendable (yes, I'm afraid dedication and commendable were words used - but, it's not like those are words outside my daily vocabulary/usage)

She began to cry and told me she supposed so (that it showed dedication), but that she got no feeling of accomplishment anymore - that she just didn't care about the garden anymore where she once did.

It stopped for awhile, and she said she really didn't want there to be the tension between us whenever we were around each other - that was very hard - she said. We talked. It was a gentle talk. It was like the grey, cool, humid, and lightly raining day outside.

We talked a little about mourning our marriage and life together as it had previously existed. We talked about times and things and she brought up my outburst on Sunday in front of the kids and told me my daughter had said that a lot of people get way madder than I did.

It was so gentle and there was such a release of tension. It was like that moment when the massage therapist finds that spot that causes the whole muscle to just let go. I breathed out.

She had me.

Unbidden, I began to think "...this is the woman I married". Kind, gentle, nice. The connection we had - we have - was absolutely present. I began to think that she was right. Maybe I had just interpreted most of the things she said to me the wrong way. Maybe my personal demons had intruded into our life such that I had been hypersensitive for so long that I couldn't distinguish between "just a comment" and a slight. That I had a permanent "people are ignoring me and putting me down" filter on my relationships.

As I drove to pick up my son from his practice I thought "What about all the stuff I wrote down about what she said, and how I felt, and what she did?"

I picked up my son (14). I said to him "Son [insert his name in place of son], I want to ask you a question. I apologise for pulling you into things with your mother and I, but you are the only person who can possibly answer this question because you live in the same house and family. If you don't want to answer my question, just say you'd prefer to stay out of it."

He said go ahead.

I told him that I was beginning to believe his mother and that I was beginning to believe that I had just gotten it all wrong. I said that I had all this stuff written down describing how his mother and I had interacted and how I believed she had treated me. I then asked him if she had in fact ripped into me as regularly and as much as I thought she had.

He said "I haven't read it, and I wasn't there for all your stuff so I don't know. I know you fought sometimes and she would crash down on you, but I can't really say."

I said, no - I don't mean the big blowouts, just the regular day to day stuff - the criticisms.

He said - you mean like when we'd be going for supper and she'd say "you don't want to go there do you? I don't think anyone really likes that place" or she'd say "I don't think anyone really wants to do that today" or "I don't think we should buy that item" at the grocery store.

he said - like when she would find something bad about every suggestion or find a way of twisting almost everything you said to make it an insult or uncaring remark about her and you'd have to spend the whole night apologising for something.

he said - or like when any decorating idea or paint colour suggestion would "not really work" in our house

I said - ok, so all that was real. I wasn't imagining it. I wasn't just interpreting it wrong

I told him how I had begun to believe that maybe I did get it wrong and that I was interpreting things in a whacked out way

[this is as close to his words as I can make it] he said "Dad, I hope this doesn't offend you, but I think she has you going a little nutters. I mean, like mental problems. [pause] Remember, she's a master manipulator. She does it deliberately. She can twist around anything to make it look like she's the good person and the other person is evil. She lies and makes things up and twists everything. Her basic tactic is constant pressure without reprieve [yes, he used the word reprieve]. She just keeps it up until the other person buckles and she twists things around until the other person doesn't even know where they started from."

I said - I needed to know if my memory and the stuff I wrote down is accurate. I need to know that when I make my decision - decisions.

he said - if you wrote it down, it's probably accurate

we went inside.

Incidents Of Note

Mrs_C went to see a counsellor. She seemed to take it to heart for a couple of days. Then she accused me of having an affair - again - and demanded to see my credit card receipts for all of my cards for the last 2 years.

Her thesis: "When you swore at me and struck me you were so angry. I've never seen you that angry before. You couldn't be that angry at me. You must be angry at yourself. The only thing that could make you that angry at yourself is if you had an affair."

She read some website that gave "warning signs of an affair". Stuff like "If he embarks on a drastic self-induced makeover, it’s probably not for you"...

...or "introduces new sexual practices" (last year i suggested we try a few new things - nothing weird, just beyond missionary/oral/on all fours). "When they begin to make "kinky" requests or suggest wildly erotic play during sex including things you have never done before. They may also show an increased interest in sex or sexual things."

She also cited me coming home from work at 5:30-6pm. This really makes me mad - I work flex hours because I get the kids off to school in the morning. If I arrive at 8:30am i leave at 5:30 - it's that simple. I wanted to work 8-5 but Mrs_C insisted that I drive our son to school in the morning instead of him catching the bus. So I do. And I'm home at after 5:30pm. This is ostensibly a period of time where I have sex in our office storage room...

Here's another one "A man who is cheating will display changes of some kind in his normal patterns of behavior. Pay close attention to any deviations in your husband’s daily routine." and "Be alert for changes in your husband’s attitude, personality or behavior."

Yeah, I got really mad. I told her to come down to my office and began pulling out statements. She tried to stop me part way through, but I pulled out a random selection of of them from the files - made her do the random draw a few times too. She was all weepy sorry and I was furious.

I called the lawyer on Tuesday (before the accusation incident (Thursday) and left him a voice mail asking for a referral to a good divorce lawyer inside his firm. He called me back on Friday and gave me the name. I will call her from the office tomorrow. He waited for a couple of days to call me back figuring if it was just a moment of anger a few days cooling would be helpful. He asked "do you still need a lawyer?"

Poor guy, he's my friend too. He attended our wedding...

There was a massive blowout yesterday (Sunday). The kids got caught in that one. I actually ended up crying in frustration and upset during the discussion. I yelled. It was bad - it spilled out on to the kids too. They have forgiven me. I have yet to forgive myself.

[open heavy bias/editorial comment warning]
Yep, she had all three of us in tears, and she got the feel this swirl of emotion.
[close heavy bias/editorial comment warning]

That's two incidents with the kids present. I believe that she is now consiously or unconsciously using them as a foil in "discussions". I won't stand for that.

The involvement of the kids is a final fatal blow. Her need for an emotional hit (like heroin) is now outweighing the interests of the kids. I think her words were true. She's doing it for the emotional high she gets. Fucking bitch. (sorry for using that word, but i'm very, very upset)

She keeps telling me to let it out "Allow yourself to feel." I think she wants me to give over to her emotional swirl instead of the control I operate under.

I'm done. I'm seeing the lawyer. I'm considering timing. I can't do this anymore.

Errata and answers

Writing this is now becoming almost as tedious as living it.

On Saturday when we were out buying my son's Mother's day gift he said that his anger toward his mother was bordering on hatred. He said that his sister was afraid she would have to stay alone with her mother if we split. But that his sister would probably cave and stay with her mother instead of coming to live with him and I. I told him that was part of my concern (which it is) with leaving, and that I had no idea of how to deal with it yet. What to do with daughter if she won't just leave? How to protect her?

Yesterday my kids intervened. Sunday morning (Mother's day) degenerated quickly. From the moment the rest of us were up in the morning, Mrs_C was on a tear. She and I had gone out for coffee the evening before and everything was fine. But not come morning... I have no idea of the trigger.

The whole of the last couple of weeks are blurring together so that I can't even differentiate what argument or "discussion" happened when and for what cause.

I recall at two points (including that morning) this weekend yelling "Would you just give me a fucking list of everything you want me to do so I can do it! So that I can actually know what it is I need to do that will ever make you happy!"

By the time we started to eat, the waffles my daughter had made were cold and hard, and not even the microwave could resurrect them. FYI: I helped daughter (10) make them when she asked me, and helped with all the things she wanted to make special for her Mom.

At the table my son (14) took a round out of Mrs_C (and me, I guess) by telling us that the discussions were pointless. That they went in circles with no resolution. He said his mother just described me, and the kids, as being lazy and unhelpful, and that all I did was say "Well, that's not actually the case" and try to rebut her historical accuracy. He yelled at his mother. And he cried. His sister just sat with her head in her hands.

He said they wanted resolution not discussions.

Mrs_C began to cry and talked about how things weren't good and that she was going for counseling to try to overcome her poor behaviours and poor interpersonal skills. That she would be asking her counselor for ideas and tools to deal with these emotions that sweep her away and make her do things she's not happy with or proud of.

Things settled down and we proceeded half-assed normally and did the Mother's day gift thing. We went to parents places and things were OK.

She fell asleep on the couch. I woke her up at midnight and said was going to bed and she should do so too. She said she'd be along shortly. I went to bed.

Mrs_C woke me up at 1:05 am by yelling at me for having at one point in discussions Sunday said that there were 3 ways things could go: 1) stay together and get better; 2) stay together and stay the same or worse; 3) split.

She said I had only said it to keep her on a hook - dangling. That I had said that there was a possibility we could split just to stick it to her one more time.

After pointing out that she was way out of line waking me up like that, I said I was only outlining the available possibilities. After some give and take she settled down and vaguely accepted my assertions.

I'm really tired today. What she did was really unfair.

She phoned at around 10:30 to say "I love you".

---- answers ----

grainne said... "If you are having difficulties making the decision to leave such an abusive relationship...stop thinking about yourself, stop thinking about your wife and think about your children. They don't deserve to grow up in a home with such abuse being an everyday happening."

yeah - something has to happen really soon. This can't go on.

southern peach said... "She is playing you because she knows she can...she thinks you won't call her bluff and really leave."

yeah - I think that for all her protestations, she thinks I won't go. I think she has been playing that since the week-end of February 4th of this year (see post: On Standing Tall And Slumping Shoulders)

Big Pissy said... "I think she knows exactly what she's doing. But since you continue to put up with it, she'll continue to do it."

how did you screw up the courage to break things off?

buddha_girl said... "By playing her game, you're modeling for your children. Do you want your son and daughter to think a loving, supportive, healthy relationship revolves around endless arguing, bickering, and threats?"

I don't think they believe that. I am most worried about modeling that they should stay in an abusive relationship.

bg's Little Sis said... "maybe these moments, though fleeting, of clarity would prove better served if she was having them with a therapist."

that is sort of what I thought, only now I don't know if I can last that long. I'm seriously near the end of whatever personal strength I have left.

SignGurl said... "Run away and never look back!"

I don't know how things will work. I am worried about my daughter and frightened of the pain. I'm also not sure how I will endure the howl and sob of pure anguish that will emanate from Mrs_C. Really. Even after all of this, causing such pain will be terrible.

oldhippichick said... "Part of it is working thru the guilt of wanting to leave, part of it is pity. Thing is I spend more time worrying about his feelings and aloneness more than mine. That has got to stop. It is a game. A sick demented game."

yeah

I don't know whether, even if she suddenly changed all her behaviour, I would want to stay.

and she won't change her behaviour. At least not enough. At least I doubt it.

how do I cut and run?

When Is Enough, Enough?

(I've started 3 posts that I haven't completed, so this may be weirdly abrupt. Suffice it to sat that it has been pretty bad over the last couple of weeks. Very up and down. The up moments have been pleasant. The down moments, not so pleasant.)

All right then.

I reached the conclusion some time ago that staying on was not the best option, and that leaving Mrs_C was the best available (although still painful) choice. I have not left yet.

I still hang on out of fear of the unknown, or fear of the pain and complications, and the hope that maybe, just maybe, things would turn around.

Each time I screw up my courage to leave and tell Mrs_C that I'm out of here, she finds some way to suck me in (and I allow myself to be sucked in) to staying and giving her time. Which inevitably turns into me having to "make up" for some transgression of mine.

The latest being that she now demands that I make up for hurting her so bad by saying I was going to leave her - and that if I really loved her and wanted things to work I would never say such a thing. And that she really didn't mean it when she said she was going to leave or boot me out, but I did mean it, so she gets a pass and I don't...

Anyway, Mrs_c always pulls a rabbit out of her hat which convinces me to give it a few more days, or there is some event coming which would be a really terrible time to leave because of disruption to planned family or kid's activities.

Now she's agreed to counselling and is going to her first appointment Wednesday. Do I wait for this to do anything (I'm skeptical)?

Her behaviour over this weekend was absolutely manic up and down. One moment nice as pie, next ripping into me, next sobbing.

She at least said that she needed to stop drinking because she became to emotionally unstable when she drinks (duh!).

I'm at the edge.

How and when to draw the line?

I Was Almost Believing Her

(originally started May 13 around 11am) - only posted as background - things have moved on since this...

Mrs_C has had me believing her lines about not doing enough or being supportive enough over the last little while. There are a number of instances where the case she made was reasonable enough to get me to walk that road for awhile.

Friday I taught for the whole day (got the day off my regular job even though it's peak season). Our router went down and my boss asked me to stop and get us up and running on my way home fromteaching. I did.

When I got home Mrs_C had a coniption fit on me that I was late (I was home at 5:30, my usual time home). I finish teaching at 4. I had called her to tell her I was going to have to kick the router. She said sure at the time.

I guess she was overwhelmed by having to get the kids ready for the dance festival that night. She hadn't mentioned she wanted help (we usually do it together but have both done it individually).

This upset her a lot. She described it as another example of me being off doing whatever i want to do and leaving her in the lurch having to cover everything with the family and the household. I disagreed with that version of events vehemently and told her that she was both overreacting and misrepresenting events. She had her crying, yelling, sobbing fit in front of the kids - especially in front of daughter whose hair was being done at the time.

We actually yelled right in front of the kids. That is a pretty rare occurance. We settled it out enough to complete the job and get to the festival.

Later that night I apologised (just us) for not being there when she was getting the kids ready and asked her to just tell me if she needed help in the future. I also said the she must not realy on telepathy as a communications tool!!! I then said that, yes, I should have picked up on the clues in our conversations on the phone - But I didn't and I tried to underline that if I didn't pick up on hints, she does need to be forthcoming - especially since we had mutually agreed to be forthright with our communication and requests of one another.

I realise that from a "positioning" standpoint, it was unwise to agree that i should have been more senisitive, or that i should have been better at picking up clues, but I am not in the marriage as a positioning exercise. I honestly bleive my own shit about mutual sensitivity, and even if Mrs_C is not prepared to go there, it means a lot to me to be accurate and acknowledge my own shortcomings when they are real.

Mrs_C agreed she should have told me she needed help.

She told me she was really mad at me for telling her to "just get your shit together and deal with reality".

She said her family said that to her a lot when she was living at home when she would get weepy or teary.

This is getting beyond stupid

(originally wrtten Thursday May 11 around 5pm)

So on Sunday night (May 7) I went to drop off my son's friend, wash my vehicle, and pick up a movie. This activity set had "pre-approval".

As I was on my way out the door I noticed we were short of coffee - Mrs_C was down in the basement and I had my shoes on so i didn't feel like taking them off, going down and telling her then - going to Starbucks for coffee is about a 20 minute round trip from our place.

There was nothing on the agenda. We were doing household maintenance in our own duty areas and I had finished all my stuff. Mrs_C was doing laundry.

I dropped of the son's friend, got coffee, washed my vehicle, and picked up a movie.

63 Minutes.

I got home and Mrs_C lit into me for having been gone for so long. I explained that I was gone for 25 minutes longer (traffic lights) because I had picked up coffee.

Not good enough. This triggered a litany of accusations of how I am inconsiderate of Mrs_C. I apologised for not advising her of my plan to get coffee. Not good enough.

I could describe the details of the scourge, but will spare you. I had no idea that being gone somewhere for 25 extra minutes would be that level of slight/affront.

When going to get coffee became an example of me going out and having fun, and she started describing the entire trip as "taking 1 hour just to get a movie" was when i said i had had it (see previous post) and that all that was left was the logistics of a split.

Well that went off into an entirely different direction and discussion. I had resolved to carry through to the end with the split. But, by 3am we had resolved to keep trying and not to complete the split. I still don't know how I arrived at that conclusion because I had resolved to stay firm on leaving.

I guess I'm weak as well as inconsiderate (said with a wry smile [not a sympathy line, by the way]).

----

Monday (May 8) was OK...

Tuesday was the waking me up by yelling morning (see previous post). That day Mrs_C agreed to go for counselling.

That day after work we had a bit of a discussion (only an hour or so - i had to go back to work to finish some stuff i hadn't gotten done because of my desire to throw up all day). During the discussion when she asked me "Why would you say you were leaving. We agreed not to hurt each other like that." I said that she had gone too far to an extreme and that I thought we were back to a scenario like last year when it was just constant criticism of me. I said I meant it (leaving), but backed off at the moment the was a glimmer of hope. Blah, blah, blah. Things were moderate and I went to work, and came home 11:30pm - we had tea when I came home.

Wednesday: I started to describe something bad that happened on Wednesday but don't even remember now what happened (May 15). More of the same shit.

really fast post

i thank everyone for their recent comments

i am writing another post that will address some of the elements that are raised in the comments to my last post

i was teaching all day today (yay fun!) and just checked in for a moment while dashing (another dance weekend for the kids)

while i will be responding in detail soon, one quick response to Larry's comments:

yes. i think she may be afraid of losing the kids. she knows that they are pretty pissed with her and her behaviour. a number of times she has suggested that all of us were "against" her

another thing she said the other day - she said: "even though things have been really bad i have felt more connected these last three weeks on an emotional level than i have in years because of the emotional outpouring during our discussions."

then she said:

"i'm almost like a bad kid looking for attention. i'm deliberately provoking clashes because of the intensity of emotion that swirls around them."

----

i'm thinking: oh great...

There is much that has occured since my last posts

There is much that has occured since my last posts, and even from before the Wednesday, April 26, 2006 post (as mentioned in other posts since then).

---

This post is edited and annotated internet messaging session today (from transcript saved for the purpose of deriving a post - when i read the transcript to pull my outline, i realised it told the story in an interesting kind way from a literary perspective...

i did not ask this friend if i could post their comments [they were unavailable to ask this pm], but i have edited this such that i feel comfortable with transcribing some of their words without attribution as an anonymous commentor. i will apologise later)

[Cadbury friend] says:
how are you?

cadbury says:
on the edge of sanity
cadbury says:
on the edge of nausea

i want to run around the room moaning and bouncing myself off and into walls

[Cadbury friend] says:
why for? what happened?

cadbury says:
it's been a bad couple of weeks
mrs_c has reverted to her pre-august conduct
constantly biting my ass
except now her excuse isn't that tax/business thing, it isn't finances, it isn't that i don't do enough stuff - it's that she needs "reassurance"
so now she's doing exactly the same thing but with the excuse that i don't provide enough reassurance or do enough "special" things to make her feel like i want to be with her
so on sunday night i said - that's it - i've had it
we're done
well that went back and forth for about 4 hours ('til 3am)
and we said OK - let's try this one more time...
she admitted she had been biting my ass and had been acting like before, and said she would stop - try to stop
yesterday was ok...
then this morning she comes in while she's getting ready for work and i'm still asleep and starts yelling at me

[Cadbury friend] says:
get out
[Cadbury friend] says:
do you enjoy this?

cadbury says:
i react angrily to her waking me by yelling at me
she says - "oh well, that's all loving and supportive and reassuring - like you promised to be"
i'm saying - "but you just woke me up by yelling at me"
she leaves
for work
she phones awhile later and says that if i'm going to treat her that way i should go/leave
i say you promised to stop abusing me
and look it's less than a day later and you're waking me from sleep to yell at me
we agree to deal with it later after work - she leaves

[Cadbury friend] says:
listen to yourself here....
[Cadbury friend] says:
go back and read all the above

cadbury says:
yeah - i know

cadbury says:
then she called me from work and said she was sorry and that she was wrong to have done what she did
i told her that's why i wanted a marriage counsellor
to impact what we do to each other
change vectors
she agreed to counselling and we agreed to try to work things out - like always - we agree that we have made some progress

then she called me back later to ask why she always has to reach out to me and i never reach out to her - that she has to make the emotional reach and not me
i ask- "so where'd the progress go?"

[Cadbury friend] says:
it's like you wish to be abused

cadbury says:
maybe i do wish to be abused

cadbury says:
fuck i don't even know what the fuck is up right now

[Cadbury friend] says:
she has you
[Cadbury friend] says:
she knows it
[Cadbury friend] says:
she knows she can treat you anyway she wants because she assumes you won't really leave
[Cadbury friend] says:
i am beginning to think she might be right

[Cadbury friend] says:
i have to wonder how much one person can tolerate
[Cadbury friend] says:
you keep going like this and you will have nothing of yourself left

cadbury says:
each time i make up my mind to leave, she gives me a moment of slack on the leash and then YANK
i'm choking

[Cadbury friend] says:
before long - her emasculation of you will be complete

cadbury says:
ever see someone abuse a dog on a leash with a choke chain...

[Cadbury friend] says:
yes

cadbury says:
let them out for a bit - then YANK

[Cadbury friend] says:
answer this
[Cadbury friend] says:
will she ever change?

cadbury says:
i hate that choking sound they make when it tightens - half cough half choke

[Cadbury friend] says:
she is sick
[Cadbury friend] says:
will she ever be well?
[Cadbury friend] says:
answer me that

cadbury says:
i don't think she will

[Cadbury friend] says:
to hear you tell it - you sound like a textbook case of abuse. there is nothing i can say or do to convince you to get out. there is nothing anyone can say or do to stop it. either you stop it - you get out - or you accept it for what it is.
[Cadbury friend] says:
you are not going to change this. you are not going to change her. you can accept or get out. sorry - there is not an option C

cadbury says:
no - there is no option
each time i build up just enough to say - OK i'm leaving

cadbury says:
she slacks and the YANKS the leash
again and again

[Cadbury friend] says:
help me understand
[Cadbury friend] says:
how you can stay?

cadbury says:
i am an intensely loyal person
i know there are good parts of Mrs_C
we have had a life and children together
but like charlie brown and the football

i fall for it every time

[Cadbury friend] says:
i cannot get my head around it
[Cadbury friend] says:
does she merit this intense loyalty
[Cadbury friend] says:
and what about your loyalty to your kids
[Cadbury friend] says:
and yourself?????!!!!
[Cadbury friend] says:
sucker

cadbury says:
yeah

[Cadbury friend] says:
you have got to do better for yourself
cadbury says:
i know
[Cadbury friend] says:
this hurts me for you

cadbury says:
i believe in the inherent goodness of humanity
my head knows there are bad people
i just can't seem to believe that she's one of them
the other night i meant it when i said i was leaving
she backed off - said she wanted to work things out
i gave in

[Cadbury friend] says:
then leave
[Cadbury friend] says:
time to stop talking and wishing
[Cadbury friend] says:
time to do

cadbury says:
last night i told her that i meant it [to leave], but that when i saw a glimmer of hope
i decided to stay
this morning she was yelling at me for saying i meant it

[Cadbury friend] says:
that glimmer is a flash of light off the knife she is about to put in your back

cadbury says:
i tried to explain that i was always open and ready for hope but she couldn't keep abusing me

---

-- developments from later than the IM session --

Mrs_C sent two emails to me today:

"I love you,"

"I love you dearly, words of wisdom from our daughter "marriages don't
have to be prefect". You have my heart in your hands always have.
Please don't let go, I need you."

---

on my own I decided to set up counselling just in case Mrs_C agreed for real to go

she had stymied all my previous efforts to get it started

i had everything ready to go

as of mid-afternoon she had called again, said she was sorry, said she realised that even though in her heart she wants to be nice that her behaviour is "psycho" (her word) and agreed to the merits of counselling

i just spoke to the counsellor and had her call Mrs_C

---

one other element of note that should inform this post

Mrs_C does not know the following:

on friday i went for supper with my parents - just us

while we taked about things they offered me physical shelter (stay at their place until i get my own place [me and the kids as may be neccessary]) and logistical and monetary support to get me out of what they view as an abusive relationship

they will pay my rent and utilities and top up any other bills as needed as well as give me enough second hand (or new) stuff to get me set up in a place. they will also pay for me to see a lawyer.

my boss (friend) has offered me as much time as i need off to get things together as well as offering me stuff (furniture, etc) for my own place

---

i'm heading home soon

we'll see

What Was Her Parents' Marriage Like?

Answering another of the questions posed in comments:

Terry asked the question: "what was her parents' marriage like?"

The answer:

Mrs_C_mother_in-law hounds Mrs_C_father_in-law all the time. I mean hounds. She tells him what to do from start to finish - she will tell him what to do and how to do it on everything from making coffee to side-seat driving. It is to the the point where Mrs_C and her sisters have told her (various times) to back off hounding the old guy.

When he is in private he will talk a fair bit, but around her he remains silent most of the time. She will correct him or cut him off with almost every statement he make.

Mrs_C_father_in-law is not a very educated guy (he's just over 80 now - he has a grade 6). As the oldest son he worked to put all the younger ones through school and such. He has a good heart. I think he's a good guy, even if we don't connect as well as we could - we both try (him: work with his hands farmer guy. me: more academic brain work guy...)

My Mom likes Mrs_C_father_in-law, even if she finds his worldview somewhat, uh, limited. And he is conservative politically - my family is VERY NOT conservative. My Mom is, uh, a little less generous with Mrs_C_mother_in-law. I believe the term she used was "harridan".

Mrs_C_mother_in-law is ok in my books, except for how she treats Mrs_C_father_in-law. Mrs_C_mother_in-law also has a few sort of one-uppy tendencies that irk me, but I ignore them for the most part. Mrs_C (for example) will describe to Mrs_C_mother_in-law a labourious process she went through to solve some problem (usually around renovations or somthing) and then describe the solution. Mrs_C_mother_in-law will then go "Oh yeah, well you should have done it this way from the beginning" or "I could have told you that" as though Mrs_C_mother_in-law knew the answer from the beginning... it is a not very subtle one-up that pisses me off.

Mrs_C_mother_in-law likes me and treats me well in person. I do not know about in private conversation, but I think she doesn't do me overt dirt.

There are four sisters (including Mrs_C). All of the Brothers-in-law have had battles with their wives when they have displayed Mrs_C_mother_in-law tendencies. All of us have said we would leave before we would let happen to us, what has happened to Mrs_C_father_in-law.

Mrs_C and the sisters are all wound up when they are around Mrs_C_mother_in-law. If Mrs_C_mother_in-law starts a task (like cleaning the table) all the sisters dive in to the point they are tripping over each other.

All the sisters have described their mother as often manipulative and a master guilt-tripper.

Mrs_C_mother_in-law beat/violently disciplined her two older daughters (including Mrs_C) when they were young (under 12).

Mrs_C Gets Some Floor Time

I first began writing this post on April 12th. I did not finish it at the time.

Yesterday Signgurl said she wished she could hear the other side of the story - I decided to dust off the post.

---

** Really long post warning **

---

This is the spot where I give some floor time to Mrs_C, and I repeat her complaints about me. Why? Because she is wearing me down. Because I am an inveterate self-reflection kind of guy and I can't help but think that if I gave a shit about this lady's opinions for so long and I am married to her, maybe I should think about what she has to say.

Being the unfair bastard I am, and since this is MY blog, I get to addend a reply to each of the stated issues.

In no particular order:

1) Don't do enough around the house

Mrs_C says that she has to carry the majority of household chores. When asked for specifics she cites: laundry, cleaning baseboards and door frames, sorting and cleaning drawers (like kitchen and storage), sorting clothes on a seasonal basis, and going through the kids clothes to see what they've outgrown. She has cited garden work and painting on occasion, but has backed off when I point out that she has told me that my work sucks (it's not bad, it just doesn't meet "Mrs_C standards").

My response:

[from one of the earlier posts on this blog]
"My wife's sisters say they wish their husbands would do as much as I do. They base their comments on both observation and on what Mrs_C tells them I do. Mrs_C says I am only nice to her and do things when there is an audience. I tracked my daily activities for several weeks one time. Before telling her about the results I asked Mrs_C if I had been doing more than usual that period. She said that my activity level was normal. She blew a gasket when I presented the activity report and told her that I thought she was wrong about me only doing things for show. All I asked was that she stop accusing me of that. I was in the shithouse for weeks after."

I have also asked people who are in a vague position to observe. And just for the record, my mother (who has excoriated my Dad for decades for not doing enough stuff) would tell me if she thought I was slacking - believe it!!! My Mom is the person who impressed it into me to be both feminist in perspective and action. My Dad always left my Mom to pick up the slack while he went out and did "important stuff". I love my Dad, and he is a credit to humanity and progressive thought in his era, but I have told myself I would never be like that. Never.

Mrs_C and I agreed to an explicit division of some labour years ago - other divisions have grown from regular activity sets. The divisions have been explicitly discussed and are not just assumed because of pattern of activity or gender. I do most of the grocery shopping and taxi driving. I do more than half of the cooking. I did the vast majority of the cooking until about 2.5 years ago when Mrs_C said she was sick of me telling her I did most of the cooking when we had such discussions (she started the discussions and asked me to name what I did more than her, not me)... Mrs_C now regularly starts meals on the days I go to work out (I like to have a 2 hour workout and the facility closes at 9:30pm - I need to leave the house by 7 and don't get home until about 5:30pm), but not always - if she's had a tough day and wants to rest.

I do most of the dishes. Mrs_C clears the table and does dishes on the three evenings I work out (and other times on an ad hoc basis). I ask her to leave them for me on my workout evenings, but she does not (most of the time).

The kitchen and its cleaning are my domain. Dishes, dishwasher, counters, cupboards and other surfaces, floors, fridge, microwave - all are my daily turf. I rarely clean the drawers (I straighten and organize them though) or wipe the insides of cupboards.

I do most of things that require dealing with school/instructors/lessons and the kids friends and their events and logistics (driving, funding, permissions, arrangements, negotiations). I work most (but not all) of the fundraisers (bingo, hot dog sales, bottle drives, etc).

Mrs_C leaves for work before me 3 of 4 weeks. I get the kids up and off to school. On the 4th week she sleeps in. I get the kids off to school. I make the lunches (or supervise the kids putting their own together). I monitor lunch supplies and requests.

2) Don't do enough laundry

My response:

I do not do as much laundry as Mrs_C. We had a discussion some years back about splitting some of the work we do. Mrs_C didn't like the way I did laundry and didn't like playing taxi to the kids, so I picked up taxi services and she did laundry.

I have offered to do my own laundry for the entire period she has complained about this. She says if I really cared I would just start doing it and not leave it undone. I say I will, but on my own timetable, not hers. I have suggested she leave my stuff separated out if it's an issue. I have offered to iron all my own shirts. I now iron about 2 shirts a day (mine, hers, the kids - started about 3 weeks ago). I have done more laundry and gotten the kids to do more laundry, but Mrs_C always criticises the details of how we do laundry (haven't ruined anything yet...).

I asked Mrs_C to give me a detailed written description of how we should do laundry - I've even offered to tape her verbal explanation and transcribe it into a howto or Standard Operating Procedures document, but she refuses (yes, I can be a bastard at times...).

3) Disappear for too long a period while running errands

My response:

Maybe so. It takes as long as it takes to go do shit. Mrs_C generally approves my agenda before I go run errands. She has also been with me sometimes and always seems amazed that it takes as long as it takes.

She regularly says (during normal conversation) that she underestimates how long a job will take both at home and at work.

I admit to spending more time dropping the kids off at some of their activities and at their friends places than she does. I spend a general maximum of 10 to 15 minutes talking to the other parents and instructors and people so as to maintain good relations (schmoozing). Good relationships are important. To me at least. Mrs_C has no friends except at work, me, and her sister... Whose style works better?

P.S. I don't stay and schmooze if I need to meet a deadline.

Also, we have the agreed upon division of labour and Mrs_C does not want to begin doing more driving and stuff, but she still tells me she resents me being "off gallivanting around having fun and visiting" while she does "all the work that keeps the household running".

I have offered to split duties with her - she does more driving, I do more of her stuff - but she refuses.

4) Emotionally unavailable/distant

My response:

2 issues

a) how am I supposed to get all kissy faced and huggy wuggy when I've just had a new asshole ripped for me? I'm gun-shy for a few days after being thwacked - I usually only get a few days reprieve between "discussions".
b) ok - so I'm a bit of a stick sometimes. Usually I'm quite funny. I'm very caring. But when I'm worried or emotionally unsure I become reserved and flat emotionally - it's a defense mechanism. See above comment about gun shy for a few days... so I'm edgy and careful for a few days between emotional thumpings and I usually only get a few days between them - so I'm uptight and nervous a lot - around Mrs_C. Yes - I have explained this to her. She says it's an excuse and if I really loved her I would be able to forgive her and move on. I say sure - but it takes a day or two for the emotional bruises to heal. And the tail-chasing continues...

5) Untrustworthy

1) I didn't tell mrs_c about the tax and client deal thing (see Thursday, April 27, 2006 Sucking Up and Kissing Ass for more information) until after the fact.

2) I did not express many of my negative emotions about her and kept it inside.

3) I prefer to avoid arguments than to have them - I will take steps to resolve issues outside of confrontations and not explicitly express the steps I am taking. This has been described as "sneaky". (example of this is: setting up written schedules for the kids to do some of their chores, and written lists of chores and household functions for myself as reminders. Mrs_C hates lists with a passion - she says we should be able to "just look around" and know what needs to be done. I make lists. My kids are kids - brain dead - they need both a list and a kick in the ass).

4) There have been a three instances where I financed a household project (a few thousand dollars) with a personal loan or with my credit card and did not explicitly explain that I had used debt financing at the time of the project. In the first instance I paid the loan off in 6 months. The two years and two projects after I used my credit cards and paid them off by September (expenditures started in May). Apparently Mrs_C made some assumption I had $5000 lying around to spend on each of these projects... even though she was explicitly aware I did not. She saw me use my credit cards to pay for stuff. I told her during the process I was using my cards.

Apparently not getting explicit and prior approval to use MY credit cards in advance for the projects is being untrustworthy... Remember - these are mutually agreed upon projects, all three of which were in response to Mrs_C's desire to renovate or upgrade.

5) I looked at some blogs and websites with nude pictures without Mrs_C being present, even though she had given me a go ahead. I have recently discovered there was an expiry on the explicit permission granted that ended with her interest ending. She never mentioned that, or that there was an issue until just a short while ago. Whether there is an actual current revocation of permission to view such or not is still pending. See post Thursday, April 20, 2006 Naked/Half-Naked Women Equals Infidelity.

6) Racking up several thousand dollars on my previously paid down credit cards over this last spring, summer and early fall is untrustworthy. Perhaps so, however, no credence or value is given to the explanation that I felt myself to be operating "solo" and operating in preparation for us splitting up in the inform/not inform cycle. I informed Mrs_C after we chose to stay together. FYI: charges were for: school excursion/trip with son, business trip, summer classes/activities for kids, family vacation, renovations, car repairs, school clothing needs for kids. I spent about $1000 of that on extra shit for my kids (clothes, games, dining and activities) in an effort to bribe them.

I also had a couple of thousand dollars worth of charges related to two leather coats and some clothing I had bought for Mrs_C (Christmas and Anniversary), but she will never learn that I used credit to buy those (unless she subpoenas my credit card records in divorce dispute)... Read the story here

6) Messy

My response:

Guilty as charged. I'm better now. Even Mrs_C says so on good days.

Now only my office is messy. My "clothes chair" in our room has clothes hanging off it.

I keep the rest of the house to Mrs_C standards.

But I somehow still always manage to miss wiping some top of the door frame, or window ledge, or making the stuff under the sink neat, or re-organizing the storage room. Each time I miss something I put it on my list of stuff (yes - a written list) that I need to do to keep up my standards.

7) Too ribald around my children

On some occasions I make sexually nuanced jokes around my children. Mrs_C does not think that I am setting a good example.

My response:

My kids talk about this stuff with their friends and schoolmates. They do. They will. No getting around it. The kids avoid anything like that around Mrs_C. She has a fit on them - she's a little uptight that way. Did I mention she was going to be a Nun when she was 17, but decided against it... (yes that was a comment designed to give you an impression of the style and source of some of her uptightness).

I try to be a little looser on the sexuality thing. My kids are bombarded with it every day - music videos and all. I want to maintain the ability to have a dialogue.

Perhaps I go over a line that I shouldn't, but I don't think so. My Mother and Father (two pretty uptight people that way) have said that they think the line that I walk is within the bounds of propriety. My mother-in-law says Mrs_C (her daughter) is being too uptight and that we need to relate not preach (BTW: the mother-in-law is a big part of the reason Mrs_C is so uptight... Mother-in-law has changed, some of her programming in Mrs_C hasn't)

8) Selfish

My response:

I dunno. Nobody else says I am. Only Mrs_C.

9) Self-centred

My response:

I dunno. Nobody else says I am. Only Mrs_C.

10) Insensitive

My response:

I dunno. Nobody else says I am. Only Mrs_C.

Well... at work people ask me how it is I manage to be so calm when other people are completely flipping out or stressed. They ask me how I can remain calm all the time.

That same calmness carries through most aspects of my life. That might be insensitive - to not display emotion on the surface.

11) Lazy

My response:

Maybe. I dunno. I work hard, I slack. Outside observers say I am not lazy and that I do a lot of stuff. I work hard at work. I do lots of stuff at home. I do an incredible amount of stuff with and for my kids. I am active in my community and with my kids schools and activities.

I don't go out with friends very often (a few times a year). I don't go for beer/drinks. I don't play sports, though I do exercise now.

12) Leave her with all the work

My response:

See all the above...

Sucking Up and Kissing Ass

Interregnum comments (I'm not feeling completely on top of describing Monday night yet).

So we had another discussion in the garage while mrs_c smokes yesterday.

I come home. I tell a funny story (yes, it really was funny) and mrs_c doesn't even attempt to laugh - she then gives me this faked smile she gives when she's trying to tell me that she's being nice, but is actually mad at me. I want to go exercise, and I know it will blow up before I leave, so I figure if I just drag it out of her immediately maybe I'll get to exercise on a timely basis (interesting how the problems always seem to occur on my exercise nights...).

So I just ask. And ask. And ask. And ask again.

Finally she says to come out the garage while she smokes and she'll tell me what it's about. I dutifully follow and she tells me. She's been thinking about this time she phoned me at work last month and told me about something she was mad at me about. I don't remember exactly what it was just at the moment - it was something about how I've failed her throughout our entire marriage and if I really loved her I would show her that I did. I said to her "Well, I'm at work right now, and I'm meeting a deadline, so, I hear you and agree that we'll discuss this later, but I don't have any magic words right now to make this better." She says "well this is another indication of how much you really care." I respond with "As I said, I have no magic words to make it immediately better, or are you just looking for a way to get me to spend all my time kissing your ass?"

(I didn't used to fight like this - only the last few months since I decided I didn't really have to take it any more)

She hung up on me and I went back to my work. She called back a little later to tell me that my response shows how much i care. I tell her that it seems OK for her to call me at work and yell at me, but that she seems to not think it's OK for me to get a little testy and let out an intemperate remark. I say that we will discuss it all later, and that I'm sorry i became angry, but i really couldn't have this discussion from work. I then said i would take the rest of the day off from work if she wanted to discuss it - but she'd have to as well. She backed off and said it wasn't neccessary, we'd talk later.

Back to yesterday.

She tells me that she has been thinking about things and that her problem is that she is resentful of all the time I've let her down. She says to me that the reason she "bottom feeds" during our fights is because she can't elicit an emotional response from me. She says I go poker faced and reply in monotones and don't show that I am emotionally engaged with the discussion. My response was that I go there because emotional reponses during such situations have always had a negative outcome, so why the hell wouldn't I hunker down with a stone face?

So she starts going on about "If that's the way I want our marriage to be, is devoid of emotion, then [she'll] just have to learn to remove all the emotion from her life if that's the way I want it" and so on

Well it went this way back and forth for a bit with me justifying why it's OK to remain rational and calm, and her telling me I'm an emotional stone.

She went back to the issues around my business and the deal I cut with my clients and the tax people and said that this was the beginning of the problem, and that she thinks I have some making up to do and some apologising to do for that whole set of circumstances that she thinks I haven't done yet (I've been apologising for years).

Apparently I'm supposed to show her I'm sorry about this set of events in 1997 by doing nice things for her now. A set of events she has said was in the past behind us.

I also find it convenient because it's the one thing that I have done that could be called questionable (beyond regular day-to-day dumabassed shit). For those who haven't read that post - I cut a deal with clients and the tax people to get myself and my business out of some problems caused by my partner failing to complete some of his work read here for details. I didn't tell mrs_c about the situation until after the deals were cut. It left our household income at the level I had committed to, but left me(us) with a set of obligations which had to be paid down after the fact.

---

Yeah. So I look at my words here on this blog - not just this post, but all of them - and realise that her attacks and style have remained the same all through our marriage, just the subject she pummels me with changes.

Where Do I Begin?

This post starts on Saturday. I could feel something starting to brew. I just know when the "mood" is starting to rise.

I decided that since it was inevitable, I would play a game (yes, a game). A game with myself to see whether I could spot any specific cause before she could blow on it and fix the issue - pulling the rug on the excuse to blow.

The signs of her getting toward needing to kick me one (figuratively) are there in posture, turn of head, tone of voice, the way she holds her head, the length of her answers or the stories she tells me. It all gives sign. I can smell it a ways off, but can never quite figure out if there is a root cause, or if it just happens to be whatever issue is handy and then she rationalises her outburst and uses the issue I didn't see coming as an additional cudgel.

Well, I sopped every spill and soothed every frayed nerve all day Saturday, and all day Sunday. I could actually see her irritation building with these issues disappearing from under her.

Little did I know I would play myself. But, I'm getting ahead of the story.

Monday night. I return from exercise. I know there's a problem. I'm doing dishes and such trying to figure out what has caused things to bubble up. I ask her a couple of times what is on her mind. She says "Nothing! Should there be?" It's an old routine - I get to beg until she tells me... After a fairly short time she tells me that she's going to bed and she doesn't care what I'm doing. So I ask her to please sit down and talk. She does.

After some initial quizzing and soothing on my part, she asks me "When have you ever asked about my fantasies? We talk about yours and we do yours, but what about mine?"

I'm like, huh?

She continues "I can tell you all about yours, but when have you ever asked about mine?" I try a few times to identify the various times I have asked about her fantasies, but get cut off.

Well, it goes like this for awhile, I try to say something to respond to her comments and she cuts me off. She tells me that everything in our marriage is for me, and I get everything I want, and the only recourse is to end our marriage or just shut up.

I say "And when has either of those things happened?" (bad choice of words, fighting words, but I had been taking it for about an hour by this point).

Well all hell breaks loose and a litany of everything I have done wrong since we met gets expurgated in about 20 minutes. I say something to the effect of "I am sorry if I have not met your fantasies and desires. I am aware of some, but not all of your fantasies. [I list some] Is there any in particular I should note or learn?"

Some discussion later and I find out she took a relationship quiz on the internet and it came up with and answer of "You could use a little love from your partner too". It made her sad/mad and she began to think about each of my failings.

Yesterday I couldn't take it anymore and I did something I never have before. I looked in her computer's web history file for any obvious quizzes. I feel bad, but damnit - if I have to answer for it explicitly I should at least know what the hell I'm answering for. I had no desire to look over all the sites, but saw one URL that looked likely in the list. It turned out to be it. I did the quiz from her point of view and boy, do I suck!

I present it here for your interest.

http://quiz.ivillage.com/redbook/tests/showlove.htm

More on how Monday evening ended in my next post... (much worse)

And All Of A Sudden Everything Is OK?

Yeah. So now everything is luvvy?

Last night was really nice. Today is a completely normal and polite day. A nice day. She phoned me at work with good wishes.

My Dad came by to visit after the conversation I had with him and my mother yesterday. He said they had been discussing things and they were wondering if Mrs_C actually had real live mental problems.

They discussed the recent highly erratic behaviour of Mrs_C and how it did not match up with earlier action sets. I told him that my kids had already told me they believed she was losing her mind.

I'm thinking about how to get her doctor to make an assessment next time she goes for an appointment (without telling Mrs_C my concerns straight up).

Naked/Half-Naked Women Equals Infidelity

This may be only semi-coherent. It was another 3am night...

---

Looking at naked or half-naked women on Voyeurweb is infidelity. Or so I have been told. I can understand the logic, even if I don't agree with it. To me infidelity is something that occurs in the physical world.

Also, according to Mrs_C, apparently having fantasies about someone else is not infidelity, that's just human. But if there is a picture involved that's infidelity.

I'm not so sure about the logic of that when placed beside the original assertions about infidelity being in the mind.

Also, taking nude photos of Mrs_C and looking at them is sometimes OK, but not always. Even if express permission was given at the time of the photo taking to take them, save them, and look at them, and it was an entirely mutual event or even suggested by Mrs_C. But there is not hard and fast rule about when it's OK or not - it is a "feeling" thing. Sometimes it's hot (sexually), and sometimes it's degrading and objectifying, even if it was hot during the photo taking session... In fact sometimes it's OK for Mrs_C to email naked pictures of herself to me, but other times it's not OK to look at them.

Is this making sense to you?

Voyeurweb used to be OK. Ok enough to post on. Ok enough to look at before, but not now. OK as long as there was no question in Mrs_C's mind about the longevity of our relationship, but now it's not OK. No mention of this before a month or two ago.

But as of last night it might be OK if we looked at it in the future, but together - not me by myself...

So, to review:

• Looking at pictures of naked women is bad if it's not Mrs_C, but sometimes it's bad even if it is her.
  
• Sometimes looking at nude pictures of Mrs_C is OK
  
• Sometimes it's OK to look at naked pictures Mrs_C took of herself and emailed to me, but other times not
  
• Looking at Voyeurweb used to be OK, but now it's not - except for if we're looking at it together, maybe.
  
• Looking at naked women other than Mrs_C is infidelity because infidelity is in the mind not the body...
  
• Fantasizing about having sex with someone else is bad, until Mrs_C is reminded that she talked to me about her own masturbatory fantasies (and even during sex fantasies) involving people other than me. Then it's OK as long as it does not involve having looked at nude pictures. Because to fantasize "is just human", but to look at nude pictures is "sick" and "degrades" both the pictured person and the viewer.

---

Also, I am now cleared in Mrs_C's mind of all charges of ever having a physical affair - for the moment.

Trust and Lying

Apparently it is the case that I only describe the good things about me on this blog, even if Mrs_C has ever seen it (she is aware that I blog, but has no interest in doing so herself).

Mrs_C time:

I (Cadbury) am a liar for having not told Mrs_C about racking up my credit cards during the period I expected to be leaving her. When we decided to stay together I outlined my situation and the steps I was taking to clear them up. Now I've been asked to provide a new detailed accounting of how they will be paid down even though I already provided one in writing (I suspect it is mostly an excuse to flagellate me for having rung up the debt). Fair enough request - but I don't think decisions made while I was operating witht he intention of "going solo" can be declared lies. They can be called bad decisions, but lies - I don't think so. Your take may be different.

I am a liar for not having told Mrs_C I was thinking about leaving her until I told her.

I am a liar, untruthful, and was unfaithful for not having described in detail what/which nude women I was looking at in the last year - even though I had prior permission to do so without discussion. In fact I was unfaithful just for having looked at them

All of this was told to me in a 5 hour session last night. She decided about halfway through that she needed a drink and and several stiff whiskies later proceeded to get mildly stumbly drunk.

The discussion went 'round and 'round over all the usual subjects. During it Mrs_C told me that she wanted us to split - this crescendo'd around 2:15 am and then she refused to talk about it and told me to stop bothering her while she slept on the couch (this was about 2:30 am). So I went to bed and to sleep (I had to work at 8 am [6:30 awake] - her at 1pm). About 3 am she stormed into the room and hit me several times through the covers while yelling at me that she had begged me to stay when I said I was leaving but now I found sleep to be more important than her.

I assured her that was not my intention, and that I had been trying to talk to her but that she had rolled away from me, covered her head with a blanket and told me to go away, and then refused to answer for several minutes as I asked repeatedly (politely and evenly) for her to answer me. She said "Well, I was angry, but you shouldn't have left anyway."

I said that if she didn't want me to look at Voyeurweb I wouldn't. She said "Well, not for now, and if you are going to the you can do it with me there." She said we would talk more about it later... and maybe it would be ok, but she's not sure.

She said she forgave me, and asked me to forgive her for spazzing.

I said OK.

Everything now sits in a limbo.

We'll see when she gets home tonight.

Desperation and Objectivity

Many of you have commented on the stress of the emotional yo-yo I'm being strung on.

The trigger for this post is comment made by Pissy on The Day In The Park. A number of you have previously made similar comments about manipulation, button-pushing, and hoop-jumping.

One of the reasons I keep my personal journal and these blogs is to be able to look at my own feelings and experiences from a more objective standpoint. I am aware of my own desperation to fix things in my relationship and my propensity to sublimate my own needs at the first sign of hopefulness.

In one of my earlier posts I made reference to Stockholm syndrome. Today I intended to make a more full reference to abuser identification. I found a great reference on Stockholm syndrome on the Wikipedia. I followed some of the internal references in that article elsewhere including battered woman defence, battered person syndrome, Emotional detachment, learned helplessness.

I do not claim to be battered in the physical sense. I have some suspicion that I may qualify as emotionally battered, but I'm not fully comfortable with jumping onto that bandwagon because of not wanting an "easy excuse" and for ego reasons (remember - I'm a guy - how could I be battered? I'm perceived by most people who know me as being one of the strongest personalities they know...).

Here are some interesting excerpts from what I found:

battered woman syndrome
[subsequent edit: i am looking at this syndrome from the perspective of me being abused and controlled]

Theory
The term "battered woman syndrome" was coined by American feminist and psychologist Lenore Walker. In 1978-1981 she interviewed 435 female victims of domestic violence. She concluded that the violence goes in cycles. Each cycle consists on 3 stages:

• Tension building stage, when a victim suffers verbal abuse or minor physical violence, like slaps. At this stage, the victim may attempt to pacify the abuser. However, the victim's passivity may reinforce the abuser's violent tendencies.
  
• Acute battering incident. At this stage, both perceived and real danger (of being killed or seriously injured) is maximal.
  
• Loving contrition. After the abuser discharged his tension by battering the victim, his attitude changes. He may apologize for the incident and promise to change his behaviour in the future.[subsequent edit: mrs_c does this a lot after she drives over me]

Walker used the Martin Seligman's theory of learned helplessness to explain why many battered women do not leave their abusers. In Seligman's experiments, rats repeatedly suffered electric shocks without being able to escape them. After this, they did not attempt to escape a shock even if they had such a possibility. According to Walker, females who are repeatedly battered produce similar psychological responses.

Learned helplessness

Learned helplessness is a well-established principle in psychology, a description of the effect of inescapable punishment (such as electrical shock) on animal (and by extension, human) behavior. The theory was developed by Martin Seligman through experiments going back to 1965.

""Learned helplessness" offered a model to explain human depression, in which apathy and submission prevail, causing the individual to rely fully on others for help. This can result when life circumstances cause the individual to experience life choices as irrelevant."

"...people in a state of learned helplessness view problems as personal, pervasive, or permanent. That is,

• Personal - They may see themselves as the problem; that is, they have internalized the problem.
  
• Pervasive - They may see the problem affecting all aspects of life.
  
• Permanent - They may see the problem as unchangeable.

I have written previously about my detachment in my relationship, or at least Mrs_C's perception of me as being detached. Even just the other day on Nice Things To Do To Make My Wife Feel Special I made the following comment:

I'm an emotional and sensitive guy, just not very demonstrative - lots of times I think something, or feel something, and then neglect to inform Mrs_C of the thing I think or feel

she thinks this is being distant. Me, I just completely [go] "doh!" I meant to say something there.

I have no current conclusions, I just thought that I would put in words what is swirling through my head. [subsequent edit: i am using the above theoretical lenses to examine why i am staying]