Traumatic Bonding

"What is Traumatic Bonding?

Traumatic Bonding may be defined as the development of strong emotional ties between two persons, with one person intermittently harassing, beating, threatening, abusing or intimidating the other.

There are two common features in the structure of trauma bonded relationships:
(1) The existence of a power imbalance, wherein the maltreated person perceives himself/herself to be dominated by the other person.
(2) The intermittent nature of the abuse.

Power Imbalance

Social psychologists have found that unequal power relationships can become increasingly unbalanced over time. As the power imbalance magnifies, the victim feels more negative in her self-appraisal, more incapable of fending for herself, and more dependent on the abuser. This cycle of dependency and lowered self-esteem repeats itself over and over and eventually creates a strong affective (emotional) bond to the abuser.

At the same time, the abuser will develop an over generalized sense of his own power which masks the extent to which he is dependent on the victim to maintain his self image. This sense of power rests on his ability to maintain absolute control in the relationship. If the roles that maintain this sense of power are disturbed, the masked dependency of the abuser on the victim is suddenly made obvious.

One example of this sudden reversal of power is the desperate control attempts made by the abandoned battering husband to bring his wife back to the relationship through threats and/or intimidation.

Intermittent Abuse

When physical abuse is administered at intermittent (random times) and when it is interspersed with permissive and friendly contact, the phenomenon of traumatic bonding seems most powerful.

The three phases involved in the cycle of violence (tension building, battering and “honeymoon”) provide a prime example of intermittent reinforcement. The unpredictable duration and severity of each phase serve to keep the victim off balance and in hopes of change. The “honeymoon” phase is an integral part of traumatic bonding. It is this phase that allows the victim to experience calm and loving feelings from the abuser and therefore strengthens her emotional attachment."

http://www.dvis.org/traumatic_bonding.htm

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"One example of this sudden reversal of power is the desperate control attempts made by the abandoned battering husband to bring his wife back to the relationship through threats and/or intimidation."

When you read the above, think about Mrs_C's desperate attempt as described in desperation and the shattering of delusion. A male will work with the tools they have learned - often violence or intimidation. A woman in a situation will work with her learned tools - in the above case - sex.

The following was an interesting set of words that certainly informed my view of my own history:

"Why did he stay with this woman? He said, “There were times that she bought me gifts and said she loved me; I occasionally felt a little kindness, and I thought maybe she would change. It was enough to keep me clinging to her” (p. 2). This statement contains an important insight, as the researchers believed that this man suffered from traumatic bonding, in which the abuser alternates abusive behavior with kindness, creating a bond that involves intermittent positive reinforcement. This type of bond is difficult to break."

http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/dom/hines01.htm

When I showed the above to my friend/confidante and co-worker "T" he said "But this isn't quite you. This is weaker than you were - this is sort of Stockholm Syndromish. This completely misses the committment thing. You made a committment and you were sticking to it. You knew what you were getting into and you knew what was happening and you said 'I'm sticking through this'. And that was at the core of why you endured. You made a committment. You couldn't get away from that."

I laughed - I told him how my review of the literature of the very few studies of males who have been emotionally abused by a spouse showed that the first reason most males cited for staying was committment. The second reason was their kids. That they didn't want to leave their kids with an emotionally abusive partner - that it wasn't physical abuse like typical male abuse, and was therefore almost impossible to prove. Also that the men felt they should be strong enough to endure - and not so weak as to leave.

(When I read that in the literature I was almost a little bummed out - I thought I was less common in my outlook... and then i discover i'm like everyone else)

Then I mentioned my blogging friend [whom we know as buddha_girl] who had said to me at the end of June "At this point, you are a willing participant in the chaotic relationship your wife calls marriage."

That was one of the primary things that kept sounding inside my head in the days before I left Mrs_C.

"willing participant"

"willing participant"

"you are a willing participant"

"you are a willing participant"

"you are a willing participant"

"participant"

not victim. being victimised. yes, i know it's not all my fault, but...

"If you're sitting there feeling as though the freaking shit's gonna hit the fan, stop WAITING. Stop it. Make a decision to have a better life." ( - buddha_girl, [and all the rest of you])

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It was interesting just now to read the posts:

Weekend Away - Some Pictures
A Weekend Away
"standing idly by"
Yeah, Somehow I Knew It Would Return To This

Read those posts, and then read this page:

on the cycle of abuse

(in fact if you read the whole month of June's posts starting with "Absence Makes The Heart Grow... What?" - you will see that cycle illustrated so very well)

I have much thanks for Smitten who pointed out this set of ideas to me, as noted in BANG!!! She's Back

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For whatever reason this has been a bad two week period bodily. I have brutal headaches that even 2 extra strength ibuprofen won't kill. I have serious muscle pain - but knots and kinks, not fibromyalgia pain.

as usual i am in denial that i am feeling as strongly as i do, and am berating myself for not being stronger and just sloughing it all easily

like the fibromyalgia, my body has some other ideas about what i am going through when it has been sending these headaches and pains

I have only gone exercising twice because of all the stuff surrounding kids and school and work and Smitten. I don't know how much skipping exercise has had to do with the pain, but...

Anyway, I figure I'm off to get some codeine at some point, and will certainly be back to exercise.