The Day In The Park

The day in the park starts the night before (this past Thursday). We were discussing plans for the weekend and scheduling. Now in last week's post Love and Anniversaries I discussed Mrs_C's suggestion of a day together. She had talked about Friday (Good Friday) as a day we both had off as a possible time/date. When we were discussing scheduling I happened to say that I would go work-out on Friday. OOPS. Bad move. Inadvertent bad move, but bad move none-the-less. Mrs_C froze at my comment - I realized what I'd said even as the words escaped my lips and immediately said "No, that won't work, we're going to be spending the day together." But the damage was done. Apparently if spending Friday together was not at the top of my mind, then I didn't care about it, and didn't care about her, and so we wouldn't bother spending the day together.

Much verbal dancing later I convinced Mrs_C of the truth of the matter. I had been working the days in reverse from Sunday - a day fully booked with family visiting. You see when I build a timeline in my head I always start from the time I have to be somewhere and reverse out all the activities that have to be done prior to it in order to come up with an accurate estimate of when I have to do or begin preceding activities.

I had made the assumption that Sunday was full with visiting already. On holiday weekends Mrs_C likes to visit with her family, so I made the assumption that Saturday would be fully occupied with shopping and visiting as well. I didn't want to interfere with that, so I plopped my workout on Friday in the reverse schedule. Had I been going forward from Thursday, the day together would have been item number one.

Did that make any sense? I then described the details and various plans I had made in my own mind for how the day would work. Anyway, after awhile she believed me. I suspect because the bizarre explanation (short form above) was just so me that she couldn't help but believe it to be truthful...

We went shopping on Thursday night for the various grocery items required for the weekend.

Friday was a warm, bright, and sunny day. We slept a little longer. Took the morning relatively easy. I made the items for our lunch. We left.

Some of the day is described here.

The day together was idyllic. Couldn't have come together better. And only thought about our troubles a few times - I tried hard to banish and ignore such thoughts. At one point things got tense. The park is near where I work - you can see the building from the park. That started a conversation about my career and some opportunities for advancement and a change in position. We discussed that for about an hour of the walk.

I realised that it was rude to be yammering on about me for such a long period during a "togetherness" day, so I asked Mrs_C about some of the things she had said she planned to do. I asked her about the art classes she said she wanted to take.

She got really mad at me. I had no clue as to why. 20 minutes later and much discussion and delicate handling, she apologises and tells me that she felt insecure when I asked her because I had these exciting job prospects and then when discussing her, I chose only to ask her about her "self-improvement" activities and there was apparently some underlying implication of inadequacy on her part.

I still don't quite get it, but she said that she apologised and asked for my understanding and forgiveness of her feelings of insecurity in our relationship.

We went out for the evening as well and had a very good time - no hiccups.

It occurred to me along the way, that I have done the "special things" deal before and it worked for awhile. But as I note in the other blog - I worry about it becoming stale.

New Blog: Nice Things To Do To Make My Wife Feel Special

Help me out folks. Full explanation at Nice Things To Do To Make My Wife Feel Special

You can find the other part of the explanation below in the post: Love and Anniversaries

Love and Anniversaries

I'm ready to hurl. Whether into a toilet or off my building, I'm not sure (don't worry, I'm not really at risk from myself).

'Tis arriving the season for our anniversary. I've discussed how much I was dreading how I was going to deal with it. How to be sincere without being artificial. How to express love and commitment, without lying or glossing over problems, but leaving them behind or aside long enough to at least reflect on our lives together. To spend a little more time thinking about the good, than the bad.

I was clueless, and still am, about how to deal with it.

Yesterday Mrs_C began a conversation asking me about what days I would have off around Easter. I could tell the edge in her voice instantly. I could actually sense the problem when I walked in the door - her posture, facial expression, how much she turned when she faced me (or rather didn't face me), not looking me in the eye, tone of her greeting, quickness/brusqueness of motion.

As you can expect, the conversation spiraled downward quickly.

You see, while I can easily sense her tension, I rarely have a clue what it's about.

I tried to answer the questions about days off. She moved quickly from my factual response to "Well, I just figured it would be good to know because you never tell me about your schedule". For the record I discuss the minutiae of my schedule on an almost daily basis. I had reviewed my days off only 3 days previously. She went on "Because if I had known you had time off I could have gotten the same days off as you, and maybe we could have spent some time together." I just found out what my assigned days off would be on Monday - the same day I discussed it with Mrs_C.

You see, because of the specific period we are in at my workplace, our scheduling depends entirely on the schedule of those we provide service to. When we find out their schedule, we find out ours. Sometimes that doesn't happen except on a short timeline basis. We found out we had the opportunity for a couple of days off in there where we could use banked time and so forth.

I was going to work the days and bank more time for summer. My boss decided I needed to sleep, knew Mrs_C was working, and told me I was taking that day off to sleep. I couldn't exactly explain that to Mrs_C...

But, back to regularly scheduled programming.

It turns out that Mrs_C was upset because I hadn't arranged anything special (so far), or suggested we take any time off around our anniversary. She is working a later shift on our anniversary so we had some discussion of shifting the date we "celebrated".

It turned into a terrible rant on how I never do anything special, show my affection, or take time for her. Apparently I have time for everyone else, but not her.

After some period things got settled down. I had a meeting at 7pm of an organization I belong to (I'm the President and was Chairing the meeting), and was late. The meeting ran late (because I was late) and it cut into my exercise last night, so I had a short exercise session.

(I believe it was deliberate sabotage. I have confronted Mrs_C about her screwing stuff like that up for me in the past and she has admitted to it. Just like in arguments she will ask a question, I will take a moment to think about my answer, and just as I'm about to open my mouth to speak she'll throw a little bomb out to rattle me - She did it all through the conversation last night. I confronted her about it on the spot last night and she admitted it and said sorry...)

When I got home she called me to the bedroom and gave me a written sheet. It was meant for me, but I am reproducing it here. It provides context and is not that personal.

"Reasons I love you. One for each year we have been married

1. You're my greatest joy in life. Knowing you love me is my second joy.
2. You love your children so much.
3. You're intelligent, witty, fun to be with and talk to
4. You have insight about life and things that I find interesting (never boring)
5. You're a great lover, you fill me with passion of all kinds'
6. You are attractive with beautiful eyes, tall dark & handsome
7. You have a sense of fairness and justice
8. You're gentle and kind almost always (with some exceptions)
9. I'm lucky to be with you and proud to wake by you
10. There is nobody like you (you're special)
11. You are a dreamer
12. Your courage
13. You're not afraid to speak in public & talk with "important" people
14. You're a good cook
15. You care about the world and others
16. You need me too (I hope)"

There was an additional short note (that I will keep private) that asked me to celebrate our years together and grow old with her - "the best is yet to be".

We talked awhile longer and she told me that she really needed me to make her feel special. I asked her to not rant at me - that if she were to quit attacking me, that I wouldn't pull back from her - and that it was hard to be loving a mooshy if I felt under fire. That if she were angry, emotional, or upset she could maybe write it down and the we could discuss that one issue (or more) and avoid pulling everything into every fight. She said OK. We agreed to work together, and agreed it would take time and effort on both sides to move to where we wanted to be.

We were settled down by the time we went to sleep.

This morning the alarm went off - I kicked the boy out of bed to go shower, hit snooze and plopped back into bed and to fall asleep. Mrs_C spooned me and put her arm around me. I groggily took her hand, held it, and put it to my heart. In a matter of seconds she angrily pulled her hand back and got out of bed and stormed out of the room.

She started ripping into me within minutes after. Hadn't I heard a thing she'd said? Wasn't I prepared to do anything. Even some small gesture? Anything?

20 minutes of my tight timeline for morning wasted. Anytime I tried to say anything - literally open my mouth - she would try to push past me and leave, and I would have to ask her to stay to listen.

Finally I just said I had to go, and that she didn't respect my job and that she had made me late.

She drove the boy to school and as she arrived home I was leaving.

I hugged her, kissed her, and told her I loved her.

She said "Thank-you for that" as I left.

On Affairs and on Fear

Mrs_C has accused me of having an affair when I was on my trip in Asia/Pacific this summer.

It is a false accusation.

She has begun accusing me of having other affairs.

Never happened.

In her more lucid moments she says she doesn't really think I have had an affair. She then justifies it by saying she is just exhibiting her anxiety.

I have said it is a piss poor method of communication.

----

Mrs_C says she is concerned that because I am slimmer and fitter that I will have more motivation and opportunity to have affairs or to decide to leave her.

I am also younger than Mrs_C (6 years) and she has always had some insecurity about that.

She keeps referencing some study she heard somwhere about people splitting up after one partner loses a lot of weight.

----

She has accused me of hitting her more than once. I asked when. She referenced the recent incident and the time I moved/pushed her aside from the door when she tried to block me from going to a business meeting. She said "There were others times too!"

I asked her to tell me what those times were. She said she didn't want to be dredging up the past. I said that it was important to me personally to know what she was referencing, because I do not recall anything even remotely physical other than those two incidents. She refused to say, I said I thought she was making shit up.

----

She said that I was insensitive for only referencing my own reaction to what I had done immediately after I struck her. She said I was only concerned about my own fellings, and not about hers, and asked why I didn't ask her about her feelings. I referenced the three times I raised the issue (immediately after the incident, a couple of days later, and a week later). I asked her how she was feeling about it each time.

In a moment of tit-for-tat I asked her why she hadn't asked me about my feelings any of the 3 times she has struck me repeatedly with closed fists... She said that it was typical of me to dredge up the past and how were we going to move on if I just kept on bringing up every negative moment in our marriage.

----

We had a "discussion" Friday from 10 pm until 3 am Saturday. We agreed to talk more the next day. She awakened me at 4 am by yelling at me and hurling her pillow at me as I was sleeping - the impact is what woke me up - I guess the yelling too.

She was mad because at 3 am, after a 5 hour rant, we had agreed to sleep because I couldn't stay awake anymore and we were going in circles in the conversation, I had not kissed her good-night.

I now dutifully make sure I kiss her good night each night.

I am not very proud that fear motivates me to kiss my wife good-night.

And Two Days Later

There are many days that I ask myself why I bother.

Why don't I just get it over and done with. Spare me the pain of going through it, and you the pain of reading it.

So last night Mrs_C says she's going to this seminar thing. She tells me her sister is dragging her to it. That she isn't really that interested in it, but she's doing it for her sister. Some religious Christian thing.

Fine.

I go work out with the boy (daughter is not old enough to use the facilities yet - she goes to grandparents).

When we are all back at the house later in the evening and we're trying to get the kids to go to bed (always a trial), Mrs_C begins telling me about the thing she attended. I listen while I am bagging at the kids for the fortieth time to get the hell to bed.

She tells me some things and then trails off about it. I figure she's finished the description of events. We go watch Star Trek re-runs and I ask her more about the event. She all of a sudden blurts out "Well if you weren't interested then, why should I talk about it now?"

I'm thinking "What the hell?"

Something around an hour and a half later I have an idea of what's up. Without a moment by moment commentary, here's the gist of things:

- she actually did want to go to this Christian seminar thing. She just thought I would pooh-pooh it, so she tried to put it onto her sister.
- she wanted to go in order to do something new because Mrs_C believes that the criticism of her that she doesn't have outside interests is accurate.
- she was excited about telling me about it, but when I didn't pay full and direct attention to her she felt rejected

The conversation leading to all this ran from "You don't want to listen to me", to "You are only still here [in our marriage] out of committment, not out of love" (yep, skirted that one with a brilliant verbal piroutte and diversion), and "Because you once said that you wanted to leave me, and I didn't know that - you are hiding things from me, and I don't trust or believe you".

We worked our way through by 2 am.

Did I mention that the next day (that would be today) I have just about the biggest day of the year at work? And she knew it. And I'm up until 2 am soothing her troubled brow. And Mrs_C stays home from work sick, but I still have to go in sleep deprived, groggy, and bitchy...

Yep. Pretty much biggest day of the year. Meetings - with large groups, question and answer sessions (being grilled hard), briefings, presentations - very much the need to be in top form.

I did OK. I sloughed some of the stuff to some of the new guys under the guise of giving them floor/air time and stood in the background. My boss cut me some slack and picked up some of the harder sessions.

But I shouldn't have to do that.

I'm pretty resentful right now.

It's not fair.

I'm trying so hard.

Self-help, Self-awareness, and Enlightenment

On Friday I asked Mrs_C if she wanted to accompany me to my exercise session. I prefer the notion of going without her for of a number of reasons, but I am trying to be decent and giving.

I go with my son because he just does his thing while I do mine and we just walk in and out together with a little goofing in between. Otherwise it is like being solo.

Going anywhere with Mrs_C is usually a high maintenance event. When I'm exercising I want to be only in touch with myself and my own body - focus.

As we were getting ready to leave, I said something I shouldn't have. I said, "You know, you can be a competitive person at times, so don't feel that you have to keep up with what I'm doing - I have been at this for awhile and you haven't."

Oops. My Bad. Really. Shouldn't have said it.

This launched a speech on how I unfairly characterise Mrs_C. She then says she's not going with me. I apologised and said we should just go anyway and she should please forget that I said what I did.

No go. 2 hours later (no exercise session...) things had calmed down. I had explained why I said what I did, and why competitive was probably the wrong word.
(you see, Mrs_C, as I talked about in previous posts, has a tendency to match any work anyone else is doing [and do a little more] just to prove that she can match anyone. Not really competitive, but close.])

We actually ended up going for coffee and talking through some of the issues we rub each other the wrong way about.

Mrs_C has been reading a self-help website and suggested I was doing the following (from that site):

"Uproar

The set up: a touchy or explosive topic is brought up prior to going out for a nice evening or doing something important.

The ulterior motive: to avoid having a good time and becoming more intimate with the partner (because you are mad at him/her and/or are afraid of being in love and then getting rejected and/or are too insecure to leave an unhappy relationship).

The pay off: a good fight that reduces the closeness and intimacy in a relationship where intimacy makes us uneasy."
Psychological Self-Help

I don't think I was doing that. I could have been, but i don't think so.

I explained to her that my motives (as I am aware of them) were more directly selfish than that. The logic train:

I like exercising. I want to continue exercising. Mrs_C has a tendency to try to match people and more. If she came exercising and got a sore muscle or didn't enjoy herslef, then she would denigrate my activity (insert various examples of this behaviour from the past here [she did not dispute my examples]). It will make it more difficult for me to continue, and reduce my enjoyment of the activity. If Mrs_C does not overdo her first day she would be less likely to hate it, and I would be more likely to be able to continue doing what I want to do.

Mrs_C had some problems wrapping her head around my assertion that it was not a game, but was the selfish logic train above.

But she said she would accept that explanation.

The two hours spent talking were not wasted time, this time. Less efficient from a problem solving standpoint than I prefer, but being as it was a discussion of many mushy emotional issues without a huge amount of common terrain/language, I can/could easily accept that things were bogged down here or there. Mrs_C found the site listed above - finally found a some language that appealed to her - and had showed it to me when I got home (before supper and plans to go exercise).

She told me that she found herself recognising a whole series of games she plays.

She says she is going to try to be more self-aware of what she does.

She asked me to be patient as she tries to stop playing games.

Counselling Is In the Works - I Think - She Agreed At Least

I have a whole other post I started to write, but left as "draft" containing the banal details of yet another bizarre "discussion" from last night.

I will spare you the grisly details.

Suffice it to say that at the end of it all Mrs_C had agreed to counselling.

She said she was getting weird and paranoid as a result of "The man I love telling me he wants to leave me." That she was abusive toward me. That the discussions and rants were abusive and destructive.

All of the above was not bullied or fought out of her. They were a result of her being wrong about some accusations she was making last night, and me saying some of the things you folks have said in your posts (unattributed, of course).

I told her we needed to go to couselling. I said that if I was angry enough to strike her, and she was prepared to spend that much time pushing hot buttons to provoke me, that we had some serious issues that required professional interventions.

I said that the endless discussions were not doing any good.

That was when she said she was abusive and vicious during those sessions.

I said that I wanted to discuss with her the manner of choosing the counsellor so that she would not feel the counsellor was hand-picked by me and she could be comfortable with the counsellor. She agreed to a subsequent discussion.

She told me what she wants to do.

• She wants to complete two minor elements left over from the endless renovation (baseboards and some painting).


• take yoga or another exercise/flexibility class (don't remember the name of it, i'm afraid)


• become a stronger swimmer to overcome her fear of deep water


• take more art classes (Mrs_C is an accomplished amateur painter)

I said that I would examine and ensure the neccessary alterations to family scheduling took place to allow her to do these things.

I am pleased to hear a coherent set of desires and goals actually stated. The last ones were: I want to have a nice house and yard. I want us to be happy and go on some fun summer vacations as a family.

We'll see how this goes.

---

Just for the record. I don't know if I want to stay married - haven't for some time. This last weekend really sealed it for me. I had decided to get my parents to help bridge me financially into my own place until the house is sold and assets were rationalised.

And then Mrs_C comes out with this...

I worry that Mrs_C has some quasi-telepathic link that let's her know when I've completely had it. She's done it before. Made some grand saving gesture right as I'm headed out the door (well, intentionally almost out the door, anyway).

We'll see.

I'm not so thrilled.

It's gonna take some serious self-delusion to get excited about trying to re-float the Titanic yet one more time.

Round and Round we go...

Last Saturday started as a good day. It was a good day when I posted the comment that day.

That evening my daughter's friend was over until around 9pm. I had suggested to Mrs_C that we go out for a cup of coffee.

We did.

Things were going swimmingly.

As we were sitting down on a couch at the bistro we went to I creaked a little. Mrs_C said "I hope you didn't over-do it at your work-out today."

I said maybe a little, but probably not. I talked about how I get a buzz after about an hour on the elliptical. How I'm able to keep going for longer and a little harder with each week.

She starts telling me about how I'm getting obsessed with exercise. Then tells me I'm obsessed with my diet. That they are taking over our lives and our family.

When I question the hyperbole of these statements, she tells me "When you started your diet you said you would be re-introducing meat and other foods back into your diet by now."

This is weird to me because I can see no causal connection between the re-introduction of meat into my diet and her statement - but, so go "discussions" with Mrs_C - I am always left grasping thin air for the connections between what the hell she is talking about. He statement is also pretty weird to me because I said that when I reached my target weight I would start introducing meat and fish and other currently not consumed foods, but I haven't reached my target weight.

After mentioning this, she tells me that my target weight is too low. That it's not healthy and neither is my diet (FYI: it is both conforms and is a few steps healthier than US/Canada food rules). That I'm missing things I need in my diet. When am I going to start eating eggs every day? (i missed that one too, but read on...). That I spend all my time preparing my food and exercising.

Mrs_C abruptly puts down her cup (which she has finished) and says we have to go. I say not 'til I'm done mine (1/2 done). She turns her back on me on the other side of the couch. I give up and say let's go.

We get talk a bit in the car on the way home covering some of the same ground, and when we get home she stops to have a smoke in the garage and re-states her entire thesis again. But this time she adds that everything we do, and have ever done in our relationship, is for me, and has been for me. And when does she get to have what she wants?

Now I'm having problems on the links between all this, but I'm an easygoing guy. Meat and fish - life goal fulfillment - sure... I can see the link...

And while I would argue her point on a factual level, I am trying desperately to avoid my standard and trained response to actually look at what she is saying and I try to make the leap to figure out what she is REALLY talking about...

But, however, I figure, OK, great! For the first time ever, Mrs_C will actually tell me what it is that she wants to do.

So I say "What is it that you would like to do? If my activities or the kids activities are denying you, we can move things around. What do you want to do and when?"

She has to think. Silence. Smoking cigarette.

After about five minutes she says "It doesn't matter anyway because we don't have the money to do it."

So I say "Well, pretend we did. How about just telling me and together we can find a way!"

Five more minutes. She says she's going to get a drink. Another smoke.

"Well, some dental work. And go on a trip someplace warm together."

I'm still missing something.

I ask "How does not eating fish and meat prohibit either of these. And how does going exercising 3 times a week for one and a half hours each time prohibit these. And how does preparing food twice a week for about an hour prohibit these goals?"

She says "You're just not getting it. You're not listening to what I'm saying."

So I ask "Didn't you tell me for years that I should get into shape and exercise for health reasons? Didn't you tell me to take [our son] exercising because you were worried he might turn into a couch potato?"

She says "Yeah, but when I told you you should exercise and eat differently you never did it."

I respond "Well, I had acute fibromyalgia and muscle spasms that were so bad they threatened to damage my spine - how would I have gone exercising then? And you were the one who demanded I buy more pre-prepared foods because you didn't want to cook."

She says "Oh just drop it, you don't want to understand." and then tries to walk away.

I rebutted with a plan to change the structure of how we do things and and our schedule and such and she countered with accusations I wasn't being sincere.

And on it went for about another hour.

Eventually we agreed to alter houshold schedules somewhat and change part of their diet so that there would be more crossover with my food so that they were eating more healthily too (more on the pre-prepared food crossover later).

At around midnight Mrs_C got paged - she was on call and there was a mechanical failure at her work facility that she needed to take care of.

She says she'll call with an estimate of how long we'll be so we can decide whether to watch a DVD we had.

She calls at 12:30 and says she'll be either a half-hour or an hour.

She says we shouldn't watch the DVD, but to take a nap and maybe we might "get together" when she arrives home.

I go to bed.

She arrives home at 2:30am - I hear her and look at the clock and fall right back asleep.

She jumps in bed and snuggles up. I'm quite groggy and try to wake up. In a very short time (the clock said 2:34) she all of a sudden shoves me away, and rolls in an abrupt motion with her back facing me.

I wiggle over, put my arm around her and say sorry - i'm a little groggy.

She turns, pushes me away, and says quite loudly some things about me not wanting to have sex with her. Accusing me of having no interest and asking if I maybe jerked off before she got home (not a subject or accusation that has ever been an issue before). And then she gets really nasty.

Mean and nasty until 5 am.

Finally sleep.

We get up late. I suggest we go together to do the shopping for the next week. She wants to have a shower first. When she comes out of the shower (right beside the rec room) she announces she's going upstairs to change.

I know I'm supposed to scurry after her like a dog, but I don't want to.

I remain on the couch in the rec room. I'm actually in fear that this will set her off again. That it will prompt another "discussion".

But I don't want to run behind her and hover about and be jump on command, however unspoken.

She was a little non-plussed when she arrived back down to see what I was doing, but let it go.

We went to the grocery store.

It has been ok since then (whooee 2 days).

---

On the dietary crossover. Last night Mrs_C tells me part of the reason that she wants to have their diets fit closer to mine is so that she can just heat up the food I make for myself instead of cooking if she's in a hurry or doesn't feel like cooking.

Healthy living at its finest.

Addendum (added after original post)

Just for the record, Mrs_C is not lazy. She is extremely hard working. Except for cooking. Mrs_C has a thing about food and cooking. She has said on a bunch of occasions over the last 2 decades: Wouldn't it be great if we didn't have to eat. Think of all the time we'd save.

To CP: An Apology

CP wrote an multi-part essay on her terrible years long experience at the hands of an abuser.

I apologise to CP for both my action and the timing of my post.

I had already begun writing my post below (Truth Time) on the Friday I first read parts 1 through 3 of CPs story. I have to tell you that I both almost lost my nerve to post what I did and was steeled to continue posting.

To have not posted, even in my shame, would have dishonoured you. I say again:

i am filled with anguish as you tell your story

i can only stand with you as you tell it

there will be at least one person here to listen

----

i'm sorry

and i'm here

and i will be here tomorrow if that is when you post the next part

or whenever you choose to post it (or if you choose not to)

and i will be here the next day after that

and the day after that

i will read your words

i will think about you

i will remember your story

I am responsible for my own actions. I take responsibility for my own actions. I take ownership and try to address the inevitable moral shortcomings that I have.

Responsible... I try.

Truth Time

This is a very hard post to write. Well, not as hard to write, but to post.

Last Saturday I struck Mrs_C.

Open palm on the shoulder.

About as hard as one might whack a stuck window or gate to get it to open.

About as hard a whumping dough that has risen.

Not that hard, but I still did it.

I have been at the edge of nausea over the incident for most of the week.

I apologised. I apologised again, and a third time. I apologised again yesterday.

Mrs_C said yesterday that she didn't consider it hitting her, but rahter a shove. She said it din't hurt her or even shake her physically.

I said that was a distinction I was not comfortable with.

The bottom line is still that I struck her.

I am in anguish over this incident for a number of reasons:

- I struck my wife. Something I had committed to myself to never do. Ever. Under no circumstance but protecting a child.
- My mother (in her 70s) was beaten when she was a child. I told myself I would never be one of those people.
- My sister's husband hit her on a number of occasions. I would have cleaned his clock, but she said no. I told myself I would never be like him.
- I have worked with women's shelters, women's centres, and anti-violence against women groups for 25 years.
- I have read the books, spoken with survivors, helped shelter women fleeing abuse. I have organised anti violence against women events over the last couple of decades.
- As Students' Union President at university and as a student activist I spent years protecting the abovew organizations from all the neandrathals who tried to shut them down.
- As Students' Union President at university, and while on the Board of Governors I forced a review of campus lighting, parking lot security, and changes to campus policy with regard to harrassment.
- I was asked by local women's groups to speak on a couple of occasions at anti-violence against women rallies and events. One of very few men to be invited to do so in the last 15 years.
- I was part of the team that got a policy of mandatory charges in domestic violence situations instituted on a province wide basis where I live.

My action violates a very deeply held belief.

How did it happen?

Mrs_C had been riding me for some days last week. Read other posts below. I am about as wound up as a clock.

On Saturday she told me she was leaving the city and the children and myself to go work in another province. She said that even the kids were criticising her and her actions.

She was crying. She was saying she was a worthless human being who didn't deserve to be around us and such.

I tried my best to console her, talk her out of that move, and to work through what she was feeling.

She wasn't having any of it.

Anything I would say she responded either in angry despondency, or with a really vicious attack on me.

My daughter was in the house. She was up in her room with the door closed and we were in the kitchen.

No matter what I would say Mrs_C would turn it around six ways to Sunday.

She can tie me up in knots on most occasions.

I still don't have a handle on what it is she does in her argumentative technique that messes me up so badly. I am a skilled and trained debater. Medal and award winning. So good that I got voted the silver shovel award years in a row by my fellow debators.

Mrs_C can mess me up in seconds. Well, minutes. She somehow manages to drag me away from what we're actually discussing into some other plane of reality. If we actually debate an issue, I win - every time. If we get into one of these "discussions", I'm lost.

You see, I'm trying really hard to be "emotionally responsive" and think about all the emotion stuff that I don't do so well at...

Anyway, i had put forward a convincing argument that she should stay, and that her perception of a couple of things was a little exaggerated. I was really quite upset and unbalanced by this point. I had taken all the hits to that point. I had conceded all the ground she asked for. I had offered and committed to make the changes to my actions and had written down the things she wanted me to do differently. I said she needed to look at her own behaviour in one context she had raised - that she was responsible for how the kids were reacting to her, and that if she weren't such a bag to them, they might treat her with more respect when she gets unreasonable. And she said "I don't have to listen to this", and stormed by.

I don't leave when Mrs_C wants to talk. I take it. For hours. For days. On some occasions when I have suggested a cool down, she has ripped into me good. I have cancelled meetings, business, and other activities because Mrs_C wants to talk. No matter how unreasonable I think the demand is, or the time requested, I give it.

And she decides she's just going to storm out because I said something she didn't like and couldn't shoot down witha quick retort.

So as she passed me I snarled "You fucking bitch!", and when she stopped and turned toward me, I struck her shoulder.

The odd thing was, she didn't seem surprised.

** Understand, I have never laid a hand on this woman in anger before. Even when she was physically assaulting me - with closed fists - I just warded off her blows (on 3 occasions in our marriage she has hit me with closed fists). Once when she stood in front of our doorway to stop me from leaving (for a meeting to get a contract worth about $20,000 while I was running my business - I was desperate for the cash) I used my arm to push her out of the way - but not as an actual impact push/hit. **

She moved away from me into our dining room. I began to sob and said to her "No matter what I say or do I can't ever get it right. I can't ever meet your standards or what you want ever. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I hit you. I'm so sorry! What is it that you want from me? What is it that I'm supposed to do that will ever make you happy with me."

She stepped toward me, put her arms around me and said "I'm sorry I said all those things that made you so angry that you did that."

I was still crying.

I was horrified that my wife would say words that I had read in so many case files of abuse. Where the woman apologises for making her abuser abuse her. I wanted to throw up.

After some time I calmed down. She was very calm throughout this episode.

A piece of my brain said she had deliberately provoked me into this action - that I had been manipulated.

Another piece of my brain said that was exactly what abusers think.

I was about to lose my mind.

We went out to her sister's place a little later on. Played cards. Went home - slept.

Things went downhill again until Thursday. I apologised a couple more times in that period.

I gave it 24 hours of peace and then yesterday I raised how I was feeling with Mrs_C. That I was sick with regret. I explained how this violated decades of thought and action - much of which she has been witness to.

First she said that I hadn't struck her. She argued that I had just pushed her. I said it was a distinction I would not be party to. That I would not rationalise it.

She said that while she disagreed, she would not argue what was a point of principle for me.

Mrs_C said that nothing could revoke what had happened, and that I just needed to make sure I never did it again.

She then said that she would not push my buttons like that again. She told me she had been deliberately poking hot spots and doing things that she knew would set me off and "make you mental". She said she was doing it to see just how much I really felt in our relationship, and how much emotion I had for our relationship. She said she thought I was just going through the motions in my efforts to rebuild our marriage and she wanted to test whether I would say OK when she said she was leaving.

And then she said she just got emotionally carried away with all the other stuff. That she allowed herself to get worked up.

And the result hadn't been exactly what she expected...

I politely suggested other experiments might be safer.

----

I'm calm now.

Today was a good day.

I took CP's advice and complimented Mrs_C on her appearance today - and she really did look good, so my comment wasn't phony.

I bought her chocolates. She was out with her sister for coffee while I went to work out, and on the way back I bought chocolates - partly thinking that her sister would come in after like she usually does and that it would give Mrs_C face in front of her sister to get chocolates (big box of a variety of truffles).

----

I apologise to the women who read this post. I apologise to all of you, because my action has a larger impact. It makes you just a little more insecure that even a "safe" man still has the potential to do something like this.

I'm sorry.

I don't do this sort of thing, and I'm unhappy to report it.

Why? Why did I post this and not just leave it unsaid?

One person posted a comment asking if I were giving the whole story about my relatioship. Could Mrs_C be that way, and could I be so saintly?

Well, I'm not. And this is one bit of evidence.

I said in response to the questioner that I was trying to be as accurate as I could - recognising my own bias.

I apologise again. For my action, and for what is now my hypocrisy in comments I have made about the violence that has been perpetrated against you.

And Suddenly The Storm Subsides

So, what's this about?

Yesterday, from work, I post how everything is going to shit.

This was after a night where mrs_c woke me up about 1:00 am to bawl me out after giving me the silent treatment during the evening, even when I had tried to gently pry the problem out of her (problem: I don't ask her out on dates enough).

I tried my half-awake best to be kind and sensitive. She stormed out. I went back to sleep. I had told myself - and her - that I wouldn't do the sleep deprivation thing again (see previous posts). If she wasn't going to listen to me, well, I had to work.

She then woke me up again a second time around 2:20 am to tell me that I was inexcuseably insensitive with my answer and by staying in bed - obviously I didn't give a shit. I tried even more feably to explain, but she rolled over in ahuff and I decided "screw you" and went back to sleep.

Mrs_C phones me once during the day with a logistical update regarding the kids and food in the house. Her call was quite brusque.

I later posted what I did from work (Caving In).

Then I get home, and mrs_c is nice as pie.

She tells me she handled things badly and she's sorry. She says she wants to try something different.

She apologises for waking me up and tells me she appreciates the fact that even though she woke me up, that I am still kind and sensitive enough to try to hear her out - even after my warning about not doing the sleep deprivation thing. She says that she got mad because I didn't give her the answer she was looking for.

I said that I tried to give the right answer. That I tried to address the emotional side of her question rather than responding to the specific substance of her complaint like I usually do. That approach didn't work.

I pointed out that I have tried every approach I can think of, and it never made a difference. My answers were never right.

I asked and she said didn't know if I could give a correct answer when she is mad.
(I didn't tell her what a bullshit attitude I think that is)

Now, she wants to, every week or so, tell each other one or two things we would like the other to correct or change or do differently.

So I asked her to try to put a time limit on her complaints. If she has a problem, she should limit her description of it to under 10 minutes, and discussion should be limited to less than 20 more minutes.

I said that I didn't think it was productive to go on for hours and days...

She said she was aware that was a problematic behaviour (my words) for her, and she would try to be more concise. She says the problem is that she is thinking out loud and thinking things through while she's talking.

I asked her to think first. I asked her to try to write it down in point form first.

I told her I thought she should think through more of what she says before letting fly, and that then maybe I wouldn't feel like she's ripping into me all the time.

If she would just think about it first, she might hear what and how she's saying it.

And so might I.

I told her I couldn't even remember the substance of the four days of grinding rant she just finished subjecting me to, and that it felt like abuse for the sake of abuse.

She wasn't happy about those descriptors, but took it.

She asked me to give her more hugs. More hugs and kisses.

Said it would be affirming and she wouldn't feel as "dangling".

I said it was hard to give hugs and kisses after being torn to shreds for a few days and that it usually took me 24 hours to stop being jumpy like a beaten dog.

She didn't like that comment either, but took it.

Then we had tea, watched a show we watch together, went to bed, and had sex.

I was still not completely into it (sex), but, well... whatever.

I wait for today's events after home time.

We'll see how the weekend works.

----

Right

On the don't ask out on dates thing.

I said that I would try to ask her out more.

I said that just like hugs and kisses, there needed to be a little emotional violence free time before I would get the big urge to spent time alone without witnesses (I may have been unneccesarily sarcastic).

She didn't like that comment either but took it too.
(usually i am much more polite and deferential, but i am seriously reaching the end of my tether)

I said that I would try to ask her out more.

Caving in

Yes. I caved in. Mrs_C pushed and pushed and pushed for days, almost without relent (a few hours here and there).

Right after the last post (March 10) I caved.

I said I would stay.

Since I said I would stay she has pretty much reverted. She told me that she doesn't think that she was as bad as I said, or did all the things I said she did. She says I'm making them up.

Privately I asked my son about a couple of the instances in my memory and he concurred with my memory. I then asked daughter. She concurred.

I asked my Dad, whom I had spoken to about the instances. He concurred.

I think I remember correctly.

Mrs_C says I am wrongly interpreting all the things that she did. She says she would tell me not to buy things while grocery shopping in a loving manner, not as a criticism. That she was just trying to provide input, and save a little money. FYI: my grocery shopping is frugal. I usually have to go buy the items she says not to buy within a couple of days after her "veto". I do most of the cooking and lunch preparation, so I know my stocks.

She says that all the things I said were criticisms were just poorly worded expressions of love from her, and that if she didn't care about me she wouldn't care enough to comment... She just wants the best for me.

Now it seem I can't escape one rant for another. I have been able to do almost nothing correct in the last couple of weeks since I said I would stay.

I was at the point where I was thinking things might work.

They are now as bad as the have been since the summer.

Can't win for losing.

Breathe.

Survive.

Situation Update: March 10, 2006

A lot of shit has gone down since my last description of things. I will attempt to describe them coherently.

Mrs_C tried to get me to say I'd stay, again.

I said that if I were given ONLY the choices of saying:

I love you forever, and I'll stay forever.

or

I'm leaving

I would leave.

That didn't go over well at all.

What I tried to say, and did say, is:

I am committed to our marriage. I love Mrs_C, even if I am really mad at her and don't neccessarily want to stay living under the same roof... I want the marriage to work, and am waiting for things to work out and to lose the anger and regain the passion.

Apparently that's not good enough.

I have to say I'll stay. Apparently it can be open ended, and doesn't neccessarily mean that we will stay together forever, just that we have to give it our best shot...

I don't see the difference except one is her wording and one is mine, and she gets to have some small victory in her head over me - but that may be an uncharitable view.

After many days of hour after hour after hour of emotional pummelling I conceded and said "Yes, I will stay, and we will just take it as it goes. That there are no guarantees in life, but that it is our intention to saty together."

That was fine for just over 24 hours.

Then she reverted back to her old ways of telling me all the things I would have to do to repair myself and our relationship, and how I should revise my exercise and diet routine.

I told her that she was reverting and was trying to exercise control in areas she shouldn't. She backed off. Sort of...

Then she started in on me about the need for me to forgive her.

I said that I don't believe in forgiveness. Which I don't. I find the notion of forgiveness to be an arrogant concept.

I figure God gets to forgive.

Me, I'm not nearly high and mighty enough that I even get the option of forgiving. I just move on. I have enough sins of my own that I don't even want to attempt to even achieve the staus of forgiver.

I just want to let it go, and move on.

I finally told her I wasn't moving on this subject and she couldn't bully me into it like the committment to stay.

Again, this did not go over well.

Please remember that during all of this I am getting only a few hours of sleep each night. Over a period of weeks. She's literally waking me up in the middle of the night because she can't cope. And she began calling me at work (which I put a quick end to). Also remember that she would go on and on about things and all the history and all my transgressiona dn argue and argue and argue and harop and harp and harp in circles for hours every day.

I was at my mental and emotional breaking point.

So I was occasionally a little curt.

Usually after I had softpedalled some statement for hours before. Then my curt reply would be the fodder for the next endless mind numbing delerium inducing unstable talk/rant/lecture/jeremiad

Yesterday she said:

"Women and men are different. Men can leave things. Women need to keep working at things until they feel comfortable. The way we work at things is to talk them out until we feel comfortable. I don't feel confortable yet, so I'm still talking."

Me

I figure that its all just going to take time and we said everything that needed to be said already, so let it lie.

A fallow field is more fertile the next growing season.

But Mrs_C won't stop.

She won't stop until I capitulate fully. And even then she won't stop because she'll know it won't be real, it will just be surrender.

She just won't shut up.

If she would stop picking at the scab it might be able to heal.

I am fine, and I get calm, and then she just works me up again until I wantto leave just to get away from her talking and talking and talking

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

And so goes each day.

----

Just for the record, I actually like her more than a little while ago.

Maybe its just stockholm syndrome, but I don't care.

If i think i like mrs_c and can live with her, then it must be so...

but if she keeps on doing what she's doing, it wil surely drive me away

and it just goes on, and on

Does Your Spouse/S.O. Know About Your Blog?

The above question was asked at another blog. Below is my answer:

my blog revolves around expressed my otherwise repressed feelings about my wife.

we are on the edge of divorce.

it would be a REALLY bad idea for her to read it.

she knows it exists, but has not asked for a URL (i think because she knows i wouldn't give it to her, and she probably doesn't want to know some of the things i've written). she knows that it is anonymous and that i use it for expressing things i don't want to say to her. she views it as an extension of my sessions with my counsellor.

she recognises that i keep a lot of emotion locked up and that i need to find an outlet.

she is not completely comfortable with the blog, or my blogging life.

she says "you have this existance that is outside of anyplace i can see, and i'm not comfortable with that hidden life."

she has not asked me to stop blogging, even when i asked her if she thought i should stop.

On Illness And Dignity

I wrote this as part of a reply reply to a post by bg's Little Sis on her board The Sanok Frenzy

I thought it was relevant to post here because Mrs_C has been bringing up my illness (fibromyalgia) and her "support" of me during it as a bashing point recently.

She has been pointing to my illness as both as an example of me abandoning my share of work in our marriage, and of her love for me, and how she was prepared to shoulder any load for me...

---

when i was in the worst part of my fibromyalgia my muscle spasms were so bad i could barely move

i was depressed and physically unable to perform many tasks

my children were thankfully never mean to me about doing things like picking things up, or tossing something into the oven or other lifting and toting [and fetching]

i spent a fair bit of time apologising to them for my infirmity. they were gracious - i am forever grateful

mrs_c was less so...

i tried to do as much as i could - and would persist even when i moved terribly slowly [I have tremendous willpower about some things]

or when i had to lie down for awhile before gathering the strength to do the task

mrs_c would get frustrated very quickly (she's a real do it, and do it now kind of person) with how long it would take me to do things. she would usually do them first, or cut in while i was doing them, because the slow pace would irritate her. she says she was just trying to help and be supportive. i think i just pissed her off. she didn't realise that by doing this she was slowly stripping me of my dignity.

---

a few notes on the above:

my doctor and specialists said they had never seen such bad spasms. they couldn't control them with some pretty extreme drugs. they were worried that the spasms would damage my spine.

i was on ultra drugs as well as in excrutiating pain for an extended period

my children, and my family, and her family all said i was pretty evenly humoured and still functional through this period

----

mrs_c has a bad habit of cutting in when someone - like me or the kids - are doing something and she doesn't think they are doing it right.

i had to have a talk with her once (recruited her sister, who is a teacher, for support on this issue) about letting the kids do their own thing and make a few mistakes

she would say things like "but with help it could be so much better"

i tried to impress on her the idea that the dignity and reward of having completed a task on your own was more important in most cases (especially with a kid's project)

Wordcloud: Cadbury covers it...

This is the wordcloud for this blog. I thought it was interesting.

One of the things that struck me was the number of times the names of other bloggers/readers showed up in both of the wordclouds. The other can be found on my other blog.

Where the wordcloud was generated

Sex

originally started on Feb 1 - updated/appended on Feb 23

Since Christmas, Mrs_C has tried to be more sexually active with me.

I feel a level of guilt about having sex, because I worry that it is insincere (well, I know it's insincere...) to be considering leaving and then sleeping with her.

At the same time... uh, I like sex. A lot. Mrs_C is still an attractive lady, and I'm also honestly trying to see if things can work (sort of, I guess). Sexual issues are part of the mix.

Sometimes things are OK. Those are the points where we have ended up having sex - I dunno, I think 5 times since just before Christmas. More than the whole year previous to that point, I think...

Here's where it all gets messy in my head.

I feel like I'm being insincere. I also have the suspicion that part of Mrs_C's newfound interest in sex is (for lack of a better word) entrapment (or entanglement). Now, in one sense, I'm OK with being entangled and entrapped, it's just I don't feel like she really wants to do it - if I believed she was really interested in me and really wanted me, things would change and this marriage could work.

But she seems to be missing the point.

Some background:

Shortly before Christmas I got mad about her never wanting to have sex. I try really hard to be an understanding guy, because I really do understand that she's tired - and I'm willing to wait (months in fact!). I tried to make a gentle approach by caressing her. She obviously knew where I was going (my erection pressing against her as we spooned might have been a give-away...). She got mad at me and chewed me out. I desisted.

The next day I was a little pissed (not just about sex - read further) and was sullenly silent and perfunctory in my conversation when I arrived home. I was still pissed off the day after, too. That night she confronted me about it saying she believed I was mad at her for not wanting to have sex. She said I was insensitive to the fact that she was tired.

I tried to explain that it wasn't actually the issue of sex, but the fact that she could stay up late watching re-runs of Columbo, home renovation shows, and stock market shows, but then got choked about me cutting into her sleep time by wanting to have sex. I said that I was OK with her being tired and not wanting to, and that I was more than happy to let her sleep, it's just that she wouldn't be so tired if she went to sleep sooner instead of watching the above cited shows... And I'm extra glad that Columbo re-runs are higher on her priority list than sex with me.

Anyway, Mrs_C became convinced that sex was the issue, not the question of whether she was attracted to me enough to want to have sex, or the question of Columbo rating higher than me.

At one point I said that I had considered whether she was having an affair or not, and whether her lack of interest in sex with me was an indicator of such. I came quickly to the conclusion that this was not a likely causality relationship. I did tell Mrs_C that I wished she was having an affair, because then at least I would know she was interested in sex, and just didn't like me (yeah, I know, kind of a cheap shot). Because I could live with her not liking me, or not being attracted to me, but that it would really sad if she just never wanted to have sex...

She got drunk the other night and wanted to do it. Just like old times. Mrs_C gets drunk, chews me out, and then wants to have sex.

Anyway, we're back to no sex or even reference to physicality again, and I guess I can live with that for now.

---

Feb 23 addendum:

It's now several weeks later.

Much water has passed under the bridge.

Mrs_C wants to have sex regularly. I'm still suspicious of motive.

She says that she wants to change her ways with regard to sex. She says that she realises that she had abandoned that part of herself and our relationship and that she wants to fix that part of things.

She even says it's OK to just have sex for the sake of sex without the romance or "deep longing love" elements of making love.

On Standing Tall And Slumping Shoulders

Mrs_C decided that she was going to try to pin me down into staying on the weekend of Feb 4th.

I refused to give a positive response. As always, my response has been that I am trying to work through all of the issues we have for the sake of our children, and because she asked me to.

She said I had to give a response right then about whther I was staying or not - what would my answer be right then and there.

I said no. I would leave, if that were my only option.

Well, she burrowed into me for four days straight. She kept me up until the wee hours of the morning (5 am), and was at me all day and all night.

I haven't been worked over like that for years.

Finally on the tuesday i said "OK. I'll stay."

I had no fight left.

I almost threw up for the whole next day.

I had been standing tall. Feeling strong and feeling sexy.

After I said it, my shoulders slumped. And they're still not up high again.

A day after that she told me that she didn't hold me to it.

I have the feeling that someplace in there was an agenda to see see just how far she could push me before I'd break. Just so she'd know the new Cadbury was still weak enough to be bullied by her.

I haven't been able to get that high back again. As I discussed in previous postings, I felt strong and tall and sexy - it was better than any drug I've ever done.

Now I'm defeated. Busted. Feeling like a failure. Feeling like I've failed myself.

I'm trying to think of a method to get back in the saddle.

Books

On lara's blog Literally Speaking, she had a posting about books: Book-Tagged

Lara talked about the thousands of books she owns and has in her house.

One poster said:

"Let's hear it for libraries. Every time I'm tempted to buy a book, I ask myself if it wouldn't be better to try the library. Naturally, we all have favorites we want to own. But realisically, how often do we read the vast majority of the books we own? Perhaps the space and resources devoted to all these books could better be invested elsewhere. If nothing else, what are our kids going to do with all this crap when we're gone? Is there a place online to trade/share books?"

This poster thinks like Mrs_C. She pressured me to throw out or get rid of most of my books.

I did. I capitulated. I even ended up throwing out some books. I recgonise they were the kind of novels that a person buys for an airplane ride or when you are going home sick and know you'll be laid up in bed for a few days, but they're still books.

For me books are sort of like comfort food for my mind and soul.

All books are a piece of our existence, and destroying a book is destroying a piece of infinity - a piece of creation.

Burning books and destroying books before they have fallen apart physically is a sin and a crime of such proportions as to be indescribable. People who destroy books (even vile books) are only a few steps from those who commit hate crimes.

Books are only below children in the hierarchy of creation that we as humans have the ability to perform.

Books have a soul.

Being surrounded by books is like being surrounded by the souls of the books and a piece of the author.

I have gotten rid of some books because I didn't like the spirit of the book, and didn't want that spirit to be in my presence, but I have otherwise tried to keep most of my books since childhood - well that is beyond actual children's books - well, actually I had (have) some of them left.

All the dr seuss books, go dog go, and many others that gave me comfort and place in the world.

I took some of my childhood books to my parent's house before Mrs_C ditched thm in some cleaning frenzy. It was sort of like a refugee camp for my books. They were stored in boxes over there except for when my Mom pulls them out to give to kids (including mine) that may over there. It's funny that Mom never puts them back in the boxes - she always puts them onto her bookshelves.

My books are a part of my being and removing them from me is tearing out a piece of my soul.

I really have never forgiven having those books taken away from me.

Update

Yes, I know I should "shit or get off the pot"

as my mother would say. And each day I ask myself why I haven't walked out the door.

So why haven't I?

The reasons will become apparent (I think) through this update on how and where things are.

I stayed until after my daughter's birthday. As i mentioned in a previous post, i had/have no desire to cause a bad memory to crop up every year around someone's birthday - even Mrs_C's birthday.

I am dreading Valentine's Day. I don't have any intention of splitting around then either. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the day yet.

Last summer I spent too much on my credit cards trying to buy my children's affection (which i already had/have, but that was before i even had the conversation with mrs_c, and i was wound up really bad - so i tried to engender good thoughts about me by buying stuff for the kids, and doing fun things together). I am bringing the cards under control/paying them off.

I have done a pile of billing for my business (which i still run on the side) to make sure that I get that cash in order to pay down the cards and generate a cushion for any departure.

I want to be financially prepared for when i go out the door.

I have also lined up a bunch of furniture and such from friends in the event that i need it. I don't have a problem with mismatching or second-hand furniture (for awhile anyway - as long as it's clean). I can always sew some covers (yes, i can sew). Anyway, even if i can't get it right, my Mom will help me... she has piles of sewing equipment.

I have been going to counselling and that has given me some perspective. As Kristin put it: "Counselling will help mature the decision". Mrs_C still refuses to go to counselling. At one time this fall after I told her i had started counselling she said she would go with me. I said that i didn't want to go jointly. I wanted her to go by herself to her own counsellor and understand what she feels. She has refused. The last time we went to counselling together she used it as a platform to describe how terrible i was and how terribly i treated her. Mrs_C stopped going and refused to go again after the counsellor told her she needed to change too. Specifically that she needed to get off my back (my paraphrase, not the counsellor's exact words). For the record, the counsellor made a list of things that mrs_c wanted. i achieved each and every one of those things on the list. and while mrs_c didn't like it when i asked, she agreed that each change had been attained at the time they were achieved.

I am continuing with the diet and exercise. I am stuck at between 37 - 40 lbs lost, but i am more toned than 4-6 weeks ago.

I look good. A lot of people tell me I look good. Men (hetero) and women. Friends and co-workers in my building. Mrs_C. My mother-in-law. etc.

I wonder how much of it is that i look that much better, and how much of it is the "fuck you" attitude i have adopted about many things.

I'm still the polite person i was, and i try really hard to be nice, but i have taken a very serious and abrupt anti-bullying stance. Whereas before i was always the peacemaker and the concilliator i am trying to adopt a more aggressive attitude when people are being unreasonable. You see, i always tried to find a way to make things work so that no-one else was made uncomfortable or disturbed when things didn't go quite as planned, or when a crisis would hit.

I'm still an extra helpful guy, but now i make them ask me instead of just taking it upon myself to run my ass off to fix someone else's problem.

I certainly don't look as tired. My allergies are down (diet and stress relief, i think). Because i look good, i dress to accentuate the physical changes. I cut my hair (shave/buzz head) every week, so that always looks cleaner, stronger, and more aggressive.

The snow will be gone soon.

It will be approaching 6 months since the conversation at the end of february. Probably a good time to do a serious review.

The One Thing She Did Wrong

Kristin wrote a comment on my last post that caused me to think for awhile, and I want to thank Kristin for making me think and develop an answer to the impression she gained.

I want to share some of the exchange with you because it provides a different frame of reference to analyse Mrs_C's thinking. Kristin had not read some of the other posts first, so the history was not readily apparent. (I don't want anyone, especially Kristin, to be under the impression that I am posting this in a retributive manner - I am grateful for having been caused to review my thinking from another perspective).

Hi Cadbury ... first time here; but I know you won't mind :)

I read the highlighted comment as the extension of an apology.

that quote:

"I thought you loved me so much you would never leave me, so I didn't ever consider what I might be doing to you with what I said and did."

Kristin posted a short while later with a different impression of Mrs_C's position.

My response and thoughts:

Kristin, when i received your post, i assumed that you might not have read through the entire blog.

but i wasn't sure

so i went back and read my last post "Mrs_C quote of the decade" and re-read Mrs_C's statement from the lens/filter your statement provided

to be honest, i think that mrs_c's comment was meant as an apology of sorts... or at least an explanation of her behaviour.

mrs_c has only admitted to making 3 mistakes in her life (outside of "professional" mistakes in some specific task or job she was doing [oh, i picked the wrong colour for the kitchen. oh, i should have started supper earlier. oops, wrong turn]).

i think her statement is as far as she can go toward an apology

i finally pinned mrs_c down on a response to the question: name one thing you believe you have done wrong during our marriage, or one problem that is your fault or that you are responsible for

her answer:

I shouldn't have been so hard on you or been so mean to you about the things you did. It was wrong of me to be that mean.

Once again, Mrs_C's only failing is to have been less magnanimous about my abject failures than she should have been.

Mrs_C quote of the decade:

Mrs_C said it a couple more times, slightly differently each time, but the core words are here:

"I thought you loved me so much you would never leave me, so I didn't ever consider what I might be doing to you with what I said and did."

did you miss that everyone?

let me repeat it in bold

"I thought you loved me so much you would never leave me, so I didn't ever consider what I might be doing to you with what I said and did."

Christmas Travel

We're going to visit my parents over Christmas.

I look forward to the travel. To going places with my children. I'm pretty knotted up inside about travelling with Mrs_C.

We have been civil but somewhat distant.

The trip is over some distance (air travel), and I am not sure how Mrs_C will make it through the "stress" of airports and plane switching and so forth.

I travel and have travelled, she hasn't done much of that.

Mrs_C gets stressed about anything out of routine. She gets stressed about special occassions. She gets stressed about any situation where someone might "judge her".

God knows how this will work out.

One of our really big fights this summer before we had the first "conversation" was her trying to tell me how to pack and travel.

I finally had to say: "You know, I've been around the world a few times without you telling me what to do, and I made it through all by myself. I think I'm competant enough to decide what to pack."

(yes, I really have been around [whole way] the world a few times)

My kids are pretty excited and Mrs_C and I have agreed to make the trip the best we can for them, and for my parents.

This trip is one of the elements that kept things from flying apart totally in our marriage. We didn't want to take it away from our children. I could have gone with them without Mrs_C, but it would have put quite a damper on things. At one point earlier this month she was saying she would stay behind and prepare the house for sale while I went with the kids (see post: Monday, November 28, 2005, So, I got played - again). Not ruining the trip and Christmas for the kids was what made me buckle then.

I'm about to puke my stomach is so knotted up. Not from the trip, but from whatever fucking bizarre off the wall shit Mrs_C will spew.

Or maybe she won't. Maybe she'll be contained and constrained in her reaction.

Either way, I'll be warm for a few weeks and that's a good thing.

I'll get to show off my newly more svelte self to my family.

I'll get to go on a plane trip with my kids.

They're excited and so am I.

OK, Cadbury, so what are you doing about it all?

Lara wrote (about me and her husband):

"The only person you can change is yourself."

"I can't force him to change, or to treat me like I think I deserve. But I can call him on his unfair comments. I can refuse to accept the undeserved slams. It is hard for me, as I tend to just take whatever he says & does... but I think the only way to fix things is to change myself to make the way he has treated me not work any more. For too long, he has gotten away with it."

One of my other friends said to me (when i decided to stay after the first go 'round):

"If she doesn't like who you are, maybe she'll like who you want to be."

---

As I whine on in this blog (yes, i know i shouldn't typify it as whining), I want to let you know about some of the things I have been doing. Since late September I have been:

1) losing weight - about 35 lbs so far
2) taken up daily exercise
3) undertaken a martial art

I am also:

1) going to a counsellor (being a guy who has always tried to deny emotion for logic, I think that some reflection of how I REALLY feel instead of how I SHOULD feel is in order)
2) writing down the things I think and feel (outside this blog)
3) making an EVEN STRONGER effort to do things with my kids (I have always been there for them, but I want to be there extra during this time)
4) i have begun learning piano (my kids are teaching me)
5) i have begun learning more than the pidgin french i currently speak (my kids are teaching me)
6) i have begun planning some of the travel i want to do and how to do it

---

I am focused and dedicated to becoming the person I want to be.

Not because it might attract Mrs_C - i'm pretty much done with that.

I want to live a life of exuberance, joy and travel, not a life of endless home renovations, chores, and hedge trimming (I like building things, just not endlessly, and to the exclusion of living life).

I want to greet each day with the freshness, enthusiasm, energy, and possibility of first light on a spring morning.

Oh, and one more thing, I'm going to be one of the muscular toned hard body guys the ladies at the VW CBB always pant over.

My daughter says she undertands it's not her fault

The other day my son [14] and daughter [10] and I were talking about things. In response to their questions, I had told them that it was still up in the air whether things would work out between their Mom and I.

My daughter said "Well, either way, I'm OK because I know that it's not my fault, and you guys need to just work out your own problems and make your own decision."

That is a siginificant change.

She used to believe she could impact our relationship and do something that would keep us together.

I was always worried she would feel guilty if we split - that she hadn't done something.

She's a real card-making, craft making, colour between the lines, teacher's dream child.

She has guilt issues and pleasing authority figures issues in my opinion...

She is my precious gem, but I can't relate to the please authority figures thing. Maybe scurry to please loved ones, I guess, but teachers? But she loves her teachers and her school and I'm pleased for her - she has had some just amazingly nice teachers (not my son, let me tell you. sorry if I'm dissing teachers buddha_girl - I suspect you would a teacher I would like. Did I mention I teach? [adult computer education])

Anyway,

she said she would be OK even if we did get a divorce, and that she knew it wouldn't be her fault or responsibility.

That's a big step, and a huge hurdle out of the way for me.

The impact on her was my largest anxiety subset.

Pending...

We had another "conversation the other night.

It always seems that Mrs_C has to find her courage in a bottle.

When we were dating and first married she drank a lot, and would often rip into me, but that tapered off when we had kids.

It was weird how she would drink a bunch, chew my ass off and then want to have sex. When we first got married it was bit of a pattern - she used to complain that I didn't want to have sex with her. I tried to explain at the time that I didn't want to have drunken sex with her after she had ripped me a new asshole. Psuedo-submissive play sex is one thing (or possibility), but actually being a doormat doesn't turn me on

SO anyway, the other night (around 10 pm), she had a few drinks and decided to broach the subject of why I was mad at her and why I would be thinking of leaving her. She then cut me off every time I tried to say anything - that's a standard tactic of Mrs_C - don't let the other person actually say anything. Mrs_C also knows that once I get going, there is almost no possibility of derailing my logic (underlying assumptions, maybe, but not the logic).

I got to listen to roughly three hours of lecturing about how I'm a lazy shitbag, and have been through most of our marriage. I had it explained to me that I have done only three nice things for her since we met, and that she has spent our whole marriage doing nice things for me, and I should be grateful - but instead of being grateful I'm just angry - and isn't that just a fine how-do-you-do... She also reminded me that I was unemployed and living a somewhat marginal existence when we met (no job yet after university - high unemployment in the area I lived in at the time) - her words were "Think about where you were when I found you...".

After I was actually allowed to speak - after she made several trips to the wine bottle and a couple of smoke breaks outside with appropriate slamming of doors (waking up my son [14]) - I explained that if I had been unable to do anything right in the last 17 years, maybe it was futile and I had better just be good about cutting her losses by getting out of her life as anything other than co-parent.

I proceeded to list all (well... lots) of the things that I have done to be apologetic for - and invited her to add any that i missed. I apologised yet again for my transgressions. I then asked her the same question I asked previously and cited when we had our first conversation:

Link to previous post: Wednesday, August 24, 2005: So, Mrs_C and I had "the conversation"

I once asked Mrs_C to name one thing she believed she had done wrong during our marriage, or one problem that was her fault or that she was responsible for.

once again the answer was the same:

She was unable to name a single one. I guess she's perfect.

I said that it was impossible that I had only done 3 nice things for her in our whole relationship. I then went on to cite a couple of dozen examples of me doing something nice (this barb/attack of me "never having done anything nice" has been thrown at me before, so i actually have a list that i have compiled and memorized for this situation)

I then asked her if she found it a reasonable proposition that any married person would have made no mistakes in 17 years in

their relationship. I asked her to just look inside herslef. She didn't have to name one, she just had to be honest with herself.

She couldn't rebut.

I described how I cared for her but felt an absence of passion. Physical desire, yes, attraction yes - but passion for the marriage or relationship - no.

She told me that I was the love of her life and that she would never love someone as much as me. She again said that if she

had known that what she was doing would drive me away, she would have never done it. Other special excerpts:

- "i thought you loved me so much that you would never leave, no matter what i said"
- "I don't want to grow old alone"
- "that's real nice of you, i'm a 46 year old woman, my youth is gone, and you're going to leave me now after 17 years, after you've spent me"

Things went in circles for awhile and I went to bed at around 3am because I had to work the next day. Mrs_C called in sick.

When I got home she told me that she had been thinking all day and that I had done plenty of nice things for her - she cited a bunch of additional ones I hadn't even thought of.

She said that she would wait for me to either find passion in our marriage or make my decision.

And there it sits this week.

Less hostility, more amiability.

Pending...

"WHY does she maneuver you to say you'll stay??"

Lara asked:

"I just don't get it. WHY does she maneuver you to say you'll stay?? Why does she want you there? She certainly doesn't TREAT you like she wants you there, so why not just let you move on? Does she just get off on being manipulative?"

---

I want to make sure that you are all aware of the following basic premises and starting conditions to my relationship with Mrs_C:

1) I dated a LOT. I was fully sexually active during my dating years.
2) I had no intention of marrying anyone when we met.
3) I had no real desire to have children (they are now the light of my existence).
4) On our second date I was sitting across from her sipping some wine and suddenly the thought raced across my brain "This is the mother of my children"
5) As I sat there pondering the improbability of the thought I had just had, this overwhelming yawning chasm of anguish at having to spend even a moment apart from this woman hit me. I waited over two years of dating to see if the feeling would go away - it didn't until just before Christmas 2004. It just vanished. I woke up one morning, and for the first time in some 17 years, the first thought on my mind wasn't wanting to make love to and hold Mrs_C.

Here's where I get really brutally honest:

I am not sure Mrs_C really loved me from the start. I have never been sure why she said she married me in the first place.

On good days I like to think she loved me.

On bad days I like to think that I am a pretty darn reasonable (more than reasonable) person and generally likeable guy, and that no-one else would put up with her shit, so I seemed a good choice...

I know that she cares for me - but is it really love in the passionate crying out sense? I don't think so.

I have had the following suspicions since we got married:

1) I was the only guy she had ever dated that would put up with her shit
2) I was so completely pleasant, benign, courteous, and friendly that she couldn't assign me to the same shithole all other men belong to (in her mind)...
3) She convinced herself that she loved me because I didn't frighten or upset her that way that all other men (except her father), frighten and piss her off.
4) Mrs_C was just looking for an appropriate party to have children with.

The above may sound weird, so it requires some other background:

- Mrs_C suffered abuse as a child
- She is attracted to men, but has a permanent hostility and distrust for men in general (with good reason, I have to add - she's been treated pretty shitty by a lot of men - not just in relationships, but professionally as well).

---

More as I think about the answer to Lara's questions.

Republished note to Briar Rose

This is part of an email sent to my friend Briar Rose. I think it is relevant to this discussion.

----

i apologise for involving you, even at this distance, in my pain

but it is what is happening

the thoughts and feelings of my friends let me know that i'm not alone

when it is over it will not be so bad

being stuck in the interim is the worst part - no moving ahead, the past withered

the thing that provides me with the most fortitude is this:

i say that i would die for my children. will i live for them as well?

they understand - they can see - that there is an undercurrent, but they are shielded from most of it. i can live through this time and see to it that their birthdays (clustered around these three months) and their christmas [we are all going on a trip togther] are not a time they remember with pain - i don't need them thinking of a break-up every year on their birthday. i don't even need mrs_c thinking about it every year on her birthday (same 3 month period) - that would be unkind.

----

again, i am sorry to expose you to my pain

Won't Get Fooled Again

Well, I've set a timeline in my own mind.

I have made up my mind that late february or early march will be departure day.

Let's see whether I can stick to it.

So, I got played - again

Had another conversation with Mrs_C on Friday night.

I had no intention of having such a conversation.

You see, on Tuesday night I made some advances toward her and got turned down flat. I don't just mean flat, I mean flat.

Mrs_C has been nicer in interpersonal dealings for awhile. I have been moody as shit (inwardly), I try to be pleasant and engaging (Mrs_C is quite sensitive to such things, I'm sure she knows I'm not quite the way I'm putting on. She doesn't mention it) in interpersonal relations. I am engaged and involved in family life and in Mrs_C's activities and interests.

My son asked me "If you're really mad at Mom, why are you being so nice?", my daughter asked "Does this mean there aren't any problems anymore?". Then she proceeded to tell me how I should take her mother on a dream date (daughter has been watching too much MusicTV, I think...).

I figured: if I'm just hanging around waiting for enlightenment or inspiration, it probably won't come. I'm going to adopt an obnoxiously pleasant attitude and demeanor, and see if it makes a difference.

I was interested and involved and paying for yet more fucking renovations, I gave her complete autonomy over our joint investments because she's into that now (after years of ignoring it, now she's become a stock market "expert" after reading a book, and making one good trade)

I don't give a shit about the money really. I have enough pension that the investments are more just pay off the house early funds.

So, anyway. Has it made a difference?

nnnnnoooooooottttttt (buzzer noise)

So, I get turned down bad the other night. Yeah, I know, but a guy gets worked up/horny and Mrs_C is still an attractive lady... I had myself steeled for never asking again. My steel melted.

I was just choked. It's not that I have a problem with being told no, it's just being told no every time. I sucked it up and just went to sleep that night, but was just bloody owly for several days. I was ready to leave on the spot. It just wrapped up all the whole deal for me.

She wants me as a companion, and a co-parent, but not as a lover and romantic interest.

She won't go out on "dates", she won't go on trips with just the two of us, she won't have quiet evenings at home.

I demand romance!!!!! (yes, really, I'm a guy)

I can't even get her to watch a romantic movie - all action and shit blowing up with her. Fuck. She cited "Once Upon A Time In Mexico" as a romance one time when I challenged her on it.

God Damn It!!!

When I raise going out I get told:

1) We cook better than restaurants do (true, but that's not always the point of going out)
2) There's no place to go (wrong)
3) It's too expensive (but we can spend hundreds and thousands continuously fucking renovating)

----

On Friday night we're in the vehicle going to rent a movie and she tells me that she's got her period and that if it hadn't happened we could have "gotten together" that night. I said "Oh, yeah..." She says, "No, really".

She then challenges me on whether or not I had been mad at her for the last few days. I said yeah.

I really can't figure out how the conversation went after that. I'm a really straightforward guy. I start in one place and move forward in a straight line. You can see me coming from miles away.

Mrs_C has expounded on her joy in maneuvering in arguments and disputes.

She got me to a place where I 'fessed up and said that I didn't think things were working. I did that because I knew she was maneuvering me, and even if I wasn't up to countering it, I wasn't going to have her pin me into saying I wasn't going to leave...

(To skip ahead, she got me to say I wasn't going to leave)

So, when I said it wasn't working, she wanted to know when we should split. I said January.

She said, Then I'm not going on this trip (over christmas) to visit your parents that they just paid for (many thousands of dollars for the whole family to go).

I can see her point in not going, but in my mind it's still just a maneuver for time - she got me to say I'd give our marriage awhile longer.

She knows that I don't break my word easily. She knows I am fanatically loyal, and that once committed to a course of action it is only mountains or immoveable objects that stop it.

So, I got played.

Again.

The above may not make much sense, but it's late, and I've just wrapped up a database query/report testing run I was waiting to finish, and I want to go home and sleep. Ask questions if you like. Maybe I'll elaborate on something after reading this again tomorrow myself

FEAR

This post was sitting for over a month in the can - I just didn't get around to publishing it because there was so much shit in my head that I couldn't express right - so I left it. Now it works as a stand alone (Nov. 28/05)

Before I begin, I want to say thank-you to buddha_girl for your words [comments on: Well, agreeing to stay was a waste of time.]

There is such a huge difference between what my head tells me and my emotions.

A huge part of what I am dealing with is the feelings (derived from Mrs_c's accusations) that a) I am actually entirely responsible for everything that is currently wrong in my life and my marriage; b) even if I leave to try to make things better for myself, my children will eventually come to despise me because their mother is right about me...

Yeah, I know in my head that it won't probably happen.

I know something about crafting language. I worry that I with my real world friends and with people here, I am just "smooth talking" everyone, and that I really am the untrustworthy, irresponsible bastard my wife has described me as.

I know in my head that she was abused as a child, both sexually (a male extended family member) and physically (beatings by her mother). I know that these sorts of behaviours are often multi-generational and that I am just a convenient target lots of times. But after 17 years, my teflon coating is worn down. I can't actually say that I ever had teflon coating, I had a place where I could put it. Now that place is all used up.

I know in my head the whole checklist of why I'm an OK human being, and who thinks I'm an OK human being.

When I become fearful. I try to think about the people who like me.

I think about the fact that I am the most selected (by parent vote) chaperone for school trips. I think about getting elected chair of various school projects.

I think about the fact that I actually have friends, and Mrs_C doesn't... (except for her sister).

----

I have fear that this is all just going to turn to shit

That I'm going to make a decision that will destroy everything

There are four lives involved. I don't care that much about how I might end up stuck in the mire. I worry about my kids. Yeah, I worry about Mrs_C.

And I did actually make a committment to stay with her for better or for worse.

So I stay.

So I wonder.

I think about might be's every day.

Well, agreeing to stay was a waste of time

The conversation described in the Thursday, September 29, 2005 post Apartment hunting: the aftermath ocurred on the last weekend of August.

It is now the middle of October.

Staying was pretty much a waste of time.

It worked better from a financial standpoint - two more months of shared expenses, not having to buy all the inevitable items for independent living, and god knows whatever other unforeseen expenses.

It works for the kids, I suppose - a couple more months of everyone still under the same roof.

Mrs_C has stopped ripping into me regularly. For someone who said she had no idea that she was constantly berating me, it sure stopped in a hurry when I said I wanted to leave - like a light switch it stopped.

The relationship is now almost without substance - except for parenting. We have always done that well.

Have you ever been on a business trip or something where you are temporarily sharing accomodation with another adult whom you are not friends with, but are on polite terms with? That pre-naturally calm, polite, over-polite consideration you give to your temporary roommate so as to not cause any offence.

That's what it's like.

I still don't think she wants to be with me. I think she just wants to see if we can be adequate companions.

She avoids discussions about us, or about feelings.

However, the home renovation express just keeps on rolling.

I have refused to pay for any of the stuff related to the new renovations. In the past I rang up credit cards and lines of credit to pay for it. Now I'm paying down debt and hoarding cash in the event of a split.

This sucks.

It's empty, and it's hollow.