Picked the kids up from the house and drove away. As we got to the end of the block my daughter says "Are we safe now?" and laughs kind of an ironic slightly dig/poke laugh. Son says "Onward! To food, and to sanity."
I left those comments where they laid at that moment. I was still rattled and didn't know where to go to address them after the previous scene with their Mom and their Aunt.
I called my Mother to tell her we would be arriving shortly for the birthday party.
That night after the birthday party I had a discussion with the kids about why it was now final. I laid out the reasons (such as are fully appropriate for them to know) why I had come to the decision.
They advised me they were expecting it. They said they were breathing a little easier because they had actually dreaded the thought of us getting back together and things reverting to the way it used to be.
They said they understood why I had made the decision I had.
We had a full question and answer session.
Went to talk to Mrs_C on Saturday morning. Went over the structure of how things might work. Pending the OK from my lawyer I will be facilitating paying about half of the mortgage and taxes until next summer. I don't want the kids to lose their rooms and their house. There is only so much change they can take at once.
Pending a lawyer discussion, I have agreed in principle that if there is no specific downside, or anything that isn't "correctable" that we will not go for the fast track option on divorce. There are some extended health benefits (dental, eyewear, and such) off my plan that Mrs_C would like to access in addition to her plan. I see no reason not to do that if there is no downside for me (other than "closure" issues).
We discussed how to rejigger wills and life insurance benefits. I described a trusteeship structure that I thought would work for her - the same basic structure I will be putting on mine.
And a number of other housecleaning issues.
I tried to underline again that I have zero interest in a combative or retaliatory relationship. I underlined that I would rather have as little of our money end up in the hands of lawyers as possible. I would like her to be able to stay in the house if she wants to, and will take what steps are neccessary to facilitate that. That I have no intention of being an SOB. I underlined that all she has to do is talk to me - a fair division does not mean that everything will be exactly equal at all moments.
Yes, I heard that intake of breath.
What I mean is: So what if I'm in an apartment and she's in the house? So be it. Someone has to live in the house. It's going to be her - and the kids when they are there. I am currently content to wait until next summer (posibly later) to move out of my apartment (we'll see how I feel when the snow comes...). So she gets the house 'til then. So what. At the appropriate time we will split assets.
Her sister and sister's husband have been telling Mrs_C I would be "taking her to the cleaners", and that she should go there first (the brother-in-law has always been a real gun-totin' "manly-man" full of "yeah you should do this and that" and "fuck-em all!!!"). I told her she was welcome to try, but that other than revenge I didn't see a purpose that would be served. Especially when the lawyers would get the benefit of such a war, not us. She agreed.
Had a good weekend with the kids. We re-ordered the apartment into a more permanent home. We framed the pictures my daughter had painted and put up the carved African masks that weren't allowed up at the house. Got some of my books from my Parents' place. Picked up various items of art I had stored there as well (I have a swack of cool [in my mind anyway] stuff from my globetrotting in younger days).
We slept.
We ate.
We walked in the park and the sunshine.
Mrs_C and her Mother have started telling my daughter that she's fat. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with this. I refer you to the following picture for your own judgement on her weight. Mrs_C also ripped into son on the issue. Grandma had been beaking at him while they were on holidays.
Did I mention that two of Mrs_C's sisters had suffered from anorexia...? Or that one of the two had also been bulimic? I don't think so. Never needed to come up before. I really don't know how I'm going to deal with that one.
Daughter and son were both quite upset about it. I should also mention that daughter does look a little, um, I don't know what the right word is. She's just started to develop breasts and real curves. She's got that layer of extra fat that girls are supposed to get when they are developing. You know - the one that is the result of millions of years of evolution.
Fat.
Bullshit.
I still don't know what I'm going to do.
5 comments:
You said, "I underlined that all she has to do is talk to me"
What happened the last times she wanted to talk with you? At work, you hung up the phone. In the garage, you refused to talk referring to previous conversations on the matter.
I'm trying to give you what you therapist won't - a reality check.
If you want to talk, talk. If you don't want to talk, don't tell her to talk to you. you cannot have it both ways.
If there are bounds on when and where she can talk to you, write them down. Never deviate from that list. If work is off limits except dire emergencies, state so.
You are trying to carve a thin line that she is not going to be able to follow. You are setting her up to fail in the "talk" department.
You are coming at this from every different direction. You are totally confused. Why? I don't know, but often it comes from having no idea what you want. You try to make it sound like you do, but you don't.
Walk out on your current therapist and find a new one. One that will slap you side the head when you babble nonsense. Your current one has treble hooks in your wallet. Everything I've written is something your counselor should be telling you.
Often people translate what they heard into what they think people said. Maybe your wife and mother-in-law said "fat" maybe they didn't. That is between the girls. Don't go there. Be a dad and tell your daughter she is a princess and gorgeous. Go with her to buy a new outfit, and get the bum of a brother to say, "Wow!" Bribe him if you have to. The best way to counter a negative self-image is to provide a positive one.
Get the kids eating healthy and you have no worries about their weight in either direction. Have them learn to cook and plan the meals when they are with you. Cooking as a family is a great bonding exercise. Plan a treat once in a while, too.
Do not try to make your place the "fun" place for the kids. You are trying to compete for their love in doing that. Make your place, your place. Give them their part of your place, but don't let them decide what is in or out of your place.
Last thing here, never, ever, under no circumstances, ever, talk about your wife in front of the kids. If you want to know what your wife did, ask her, not the kids. This applies to matters that involve the kids, too. If the kid is held after school and mom has to come for them, DO NOT ask, "What did your mom say?" Never make the kid the in between person. NEVER.
You might be saying, I've never done that. Or I never would, but the reality is that you will. Know that that reality tears the kid. Do not do that to your children.
If your kid mentions that she was called "fat" by your wife - stop the conversation. Tell your daughter she is not fat. Tell her that you will speak to her mother in private. End the conversation. You are dividing her from her mother if you talk more. You are having her betray her mother to you. STOP IT!
Set the example for your kids, and they will respect you more in your decision to leave.
Obviously I don't know who anonymous is....but he/she is certainly taking a lot of time and thought to leave you comments, Cad.
And he/she seems to know what they're talking about.
I have to agree with the paragraph that starts You are coming at this from every different direction. Why?....
I've been with you since the beginning of this Cad, and I'm not sure that you really know what you want. I think that YOU think that you know what you want....but I'm not sure that you do.
If you are really serious about divorcing Mrs. C~quit talking about it.
*Quit talking to HER other than to discuss the children.
*Just stop it and file the paperwork with the court.
*What's to talk about?
*Pay the lawyers the $ and let THEM talk about it. Just think of how it will save your sanity.
I really don't mean to upset you.... but please remember that I've been there....with my divorce and with my husband when he went through his. Also keep in mind that I worked in Domestic Relations dealing with paternity/child support/divorce for twelve years. I was in court 6 times a month with these same types of issues.
I've seen it all. I've heard it all. You and Mrs. C will NEV-ER be able to work this out without lawyers. Mrs. C won't allow it. She says she will. But she'll just drag it out and then you'll end up having to hire an attorney anyway and you would have wasted all that time and energy arguing with her about it.
Why prolong the inevitable?
You've been going through this pattern with Mrs. C since I started reading your blog.
I apologize in advance if I've offended you.
Pissy
i have a suspicion that my anonymous commentor may also have an interest in sea turtles - but that is just my wild assed guess that could be completely wrong
----
to clarify:
the " all she has to do is talk to me" statement was refering to the previous statement "I would like her to be able to stay in the house if she wants to"
I have no intention of discussing our marriage with mrs_c any more because it does not exist except in legal terms.
----
while my response to anonymous was a little agressive, i am considering anonymous' words.
i am also considering your words, BP.
what do i want?
- peace
- harmony
- happiness
- joy
- not to be ripped into every day
- not to be belittled or told each and every thing i do is not up to snuff
----
Friday was the day of finality for my marriage. It is done. Mrs_C understands that it is finished (I think). I was as unequivocal as I could be. That is why I had to be harsh.
I was unable to make it a more comfortable moment.
i have no intention of discussing my marriage with Mrs_C any more. i went to discuss "how things might work" - meaning the divorce
i am prepared to stay married but living fully apart for spousal health benefits until the dental work is done. it is worth some thousands of dollars (dental implants).
i will consider whether i am being played with that request. i hadn't thought of that BP. i took the dental work as a straight up request. i have been telling mrs_c for years to get the work done.
BP, yeah - you've pointed out the pattern in previous comments. i guess i'm too close or too blind to see it.
----
BP:
we have a good divorce mediation and arbitration structure here. the arbitrators are most often lawyers. mrs_c and I have agreed to use an arbitrator to do the split - much less costly. then our individual lawyers will review the arbitration/mediation proposal and review it for our individual interests. then we will complete it.
so i guess we are sort of where you are suggesting we be.
what do i want?
- peace
- harmony
- happiness
- joy
- not to be ripped into every day
- not to be belittled or told each and every thing i do is not up to snuff
You control the first 4 dsires. Those are your state of mind.
The last 2 desires only affect you if you let them. If some random bum on the street sats nasty things as you walk by, you ignore the bum. Why put any more credence in the words of someone you are removing from your life?
Sea turtles? All creatures freat and small, the Lord God made them all. But I down know a damn thing about no sea turtle. This is a perfect example of your problem. You think you know something and are willing to spout off about it when in fact you have absolutely no basis for forming a guess.
I'm truly anaonymous to you. I was blog surfing when I came to yours linked from one blog that was linked to another from another and another. In fact, I could not chart the same route again if I had to do so. I bookmarked yours since I left a comment.
Well. Ok?
As for the dicorce, I am clueless... thoiugh in my experience, the easiest way to breka a relationship is CLEAN. Hard with kids tho.
But I wanted to add Caddy... your daughter is NOT FAT.
Any talk of weight during her age, however, will start the LIFE LONG CYCLE of pondering whether her body is good enough. A stugge that MOST of us women deal with. It's self-loathing and SUCKS. And NOT something I would want to gift my DAUGHTER> In other words... Tell Mrs. C to shut the eff up!
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