Preparing For Their Arrival

They're coming home today. The kids. Mrs_C.

It's an 8.5 hour trip if only one stop long enough to get gas. With meal stops and bathroom breaks - longer. It took them 10-11 hours to go there from leaving to arrival.

I may puke. I'm at work and I'm thinking I may leave early.

They're coming home. I want to see the kids, but I dread dealing with Mrs_C. My mind is made up, but I have such dread and fear around the subject of being harshly direct (not rude, though) about there being no chance in hell we will ever live together again.

I've been sloughing and avoiding the pain. For years really. The confrontation. Confrontation? I dunno. The wail of anguish. The tears. What will the kids say? Specifically daughter.

I know I'm justified, but I can't stand the pain I know I will cause.

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There's almost no food in the fridge over at the house. I threw out much of what was left in the fridge after they left for holidays. Not that there was a huge amount in it anyway. It smells a little bad. I was going to clean it yesterday, but that's not my fridge anymore.

I bought food for them. I know that she won't make much of anything when she gets back. She'll be "too tired". I was the one who got everyone fed and watered after a trip. The kids will have to scrounge. They'll end up eating crackers or dry linguine (they're kids, what can i say...). Or maybe some of the buns that are left in the freezer from before I left. Or she'll pick one cucumber from the garden, or something.

As I wander around the house while they're gone - I feed and water the dog, walk the dog, I water all the plants indoor and out, I did my laundry (avoiding paying $1.25 per machine per load at the apartment) - as I wander, I notice all the elements of life there are gone. They were gone before they left too.

The house has turned much like Mrs_C's apartments before we were married.

Sterile.

They look like a furnished apartment or a hotel room that is waiting for someone to move in. All mess is confined to two areas - a table downstairs and their desks in their rooms.

I don't live there anymore.

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I stayed up late last night cooking for their arrival home. They will be tired - they may or may not be hungry (kids are always hungry), but something is always needed on arrival home.

Both son and daughter phoned me on the weekend before they left (without knowledge of the other's call) to complain that there was no food. There was food - but we're talking kids here - scroungable food. I described some of that previously in: Monday, July 10, 2006 - Sunday Morning Coffee With Mrs_C

I tried to plan a menu that would be light enough after road food.

I've made a home made split pea-tomato-carrot soup, a bean sprout and cucumber wedges plate, salad, I rescued some frozen smoked turkey slices I had put in the freezer in late may (ziploc - their still good), and cut some canteloupe. There were some whole grain cibatti sour dough buns left in the freezer so I will have those available as well. I think I prepared something else, but I can't remember. I will plate it and put it under plastic wrap in the fridge after work.

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I noticed she was out of coffee. Well, there's only one scoop left in the bag. I didn't buy any. Not buying her coffee mad me happy. Why? For an example read: This is getting beyond stupid posted Monday, May 15, 2006. The short version is that Mrs_C would go through an inordinate amount of premium coffee (at $15/lb) - wasting whole pots at a time - multiple times in a day. She has been known to go through a lb in 4 days on a long weekend - mostly through wasted pots. And then she would give me shit for 1) being "always out buying coffee" 2) spending too much money on coffee - saying she didn't need to have premium coffee - regular stuff was "good enough" 3) on having lousy coffee when I bought something other than the premium brand - and when I bought some regular stuff for her and my own bag of premium she would drink mine not hers - and when confronted not have a good answer.

I got quite a level of cruel satisfaction knowing that Mrs_C would be out of coffee on her first morning back after a 10 hour road trip. But she'll probabaly hop over to Shoppers Drug Mart and get some in the evening because she'll want some on arrival home.

But I can still bask in my small moment of evil-doing in not buying her any for her convenience. If I were truly cruel I would throw out her filters - but she'd use a napkin or something, and then I would have committed a sin of commission, not omission... (for all you fellow catholics out there). I told myself that I would never be actively mean to her, but that I would allow her to deal with her own, uh, ways - and not rescue her. Especially not pre-emptively rescue her. Like buying coffee because I know she's out.

That must sound soooooo petty.

But fuck it. If I won't be mean or retributive in a big way, I can still do it about some little things.

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They're still coming home tonight.

Too Nice A Guy

I ran into some friends today. One of them was a woman whom I went out with years ago. The other was a woman that I tried to get to go out with me for about 6 years (I'm nothing if not tenacious...). I had actually introduced these two ladies and they became fast friends. We all had a relatively ribald and positive sexual tension laced co-relationship - we all had a sort of proprietary interest in the others and would provide colour commentary on each other's choices in partners and exploits. The woman I dated is designated K, and the woman who would not go out with me is designated B. I was also a convenient, um, uh, "friend" for K in the years after we broke up before getting married (in periods we were both without a "steady".

I had not seen them in years. They both moved out of town. I found out that B was working in town right now on a contract (she lives a couple of hours away normally. K is on the west coast. K had kept in contact with B and since they were in the same location they were out for coffee and some shopping. I was getting some keys made down at the mall.

When they inquired about Mrs_C and things I advised them we had split.

Wine and hot tubs are apprently too nice

B said "You were too nice to her weren't you?" I stood there with a dumbfounded look on my face. She continued "That's why I never went out with you, you know. I knew I would shred you up and destroy our friendship... And then you'd hate me."

I continued to stand there sort of working my jaw for a moment. It was suddenly a little awkward. I responded with humour "Well, you could have at least slept with me instead," I counterproposed.

B said "...and then we would have started dating and I would have gone bitch on you and you wouldn't have known what hit you, and you would have been standing there with that confused look on your face like you just had, and I would have felt like shit.

So I never dated you."

B has always been a little over the top.

Indoor swimming pools - waaaay too nice

I'm also caught right between the eyes. When I was single I had a number of women say they wouldn't go out with me because I was too nice. Not that I was arrogant. Not that I was sleazy, or promiscuous, or lazy, or boring, or ugly - but "too nice". What the fuck is that?

I'm stumbling. This is a little out of the blue for me.

K steps in and suggests we all go for coffee. So I go with them.

And not cozy bed and breakfasts - no, not that. you're too nice. why would i sleep with you dumb fuck?

The core of what I was told in that conversation is that according to them I need to be a bit more of a bastard. I need to be less accommodating and more demanding. I need to put the screws to the other person sometimes.

Apparently this is why Mrs_C didn't respect me. Because I always accommodated her whims. Made like a carpet and begged her to walk on me - and wipe her feet.

I always thought that doing nice things and taking people to nice places (like the one all these pictures are of [a real place I took us to]) was the way to win someone's heart and soul.

"I as a boy, I believed the saying the cure for pain was love".

I just don't get it. I really just don't get it.

I listened to my two friends and I thought about Mrs_C. I thought about when it was that she suddenly started to get sexually interested in me again - after I rejected her.

Don't even bother with special breakfasts!!! FOOL!!!

When did she get REALLY, um, uh, open to trying or, uh, experimenting a little? After I said I was out the door.

What the fuck is that?

She phones me and whines at me - even while she away on vacation here. I asked her "Why? Why did you do it? Why were you such a miserable fucking bag?" (yes - real words). She says "I guess I got to into the Mom role. I stopped thinking of you as a friend and as a person and only thought of you as a spouse - someone who was supposed to do all these things you could never possibly get done, or reasonably do. An then i just got mad about it. Instead of thinking about how it would make you feel."

What the fuck is with that? Huh! What the fuck is with that?

Yeah

Un-fucking-believable.

and then she still gets mad at me about the one time (months ago) I said "Well, I guess you should have thought of that before!" (I was telling her that I wanted to leave and that she shouldn't have been such an asshole to me)

so I ask her why she didn't think of it at the time. I ask how she expects me to believe that she won't revert. I ask her how I should get over being soooooo angry. I tell her that when I told her how hurt and how mad I was all she did was try to bully and pressure me into backing down.

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She's coming back from vacation tomorrow. I've been thinking about her and my marriage a lot. She wants to go out "just the two of us" on Saturday. She says I can have "anything" I want. I said I didn't think it would work for me and we need to talk. I'm pretty sure she knows what's coming. I think that's why she was trying to dangle the sex carrot.

Running into my friends and their lecture just built up a fair head of steam in me. I'm really mad that the world doesn't work the way I think it should and the way I want it to work.

I want to be nice. I don't want to be a bastard. I want to be so nice it makes you hurl.

Not in a weak sense. I'm not weak, and I'm not wimpy. No-one has really ever accused me of being wimpy.

But where does this fucking "You're too nice" shit come into play?

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[post proof-read edit:]
sorry if this was a little incoherent and weird, but i'm rattled and emotional right now

Ironing

Yes, that's Ironing, not Irony.

Ironing, I hate ironing. I used to not do it at all (read: when I was mostly single). I wore my clothes either hung up straight out of the dryer (and how often did that happen? hell, I was at the bar - not ironing) or rumpled.

* youthful cadbury may not be exactly as shown

I'm lying actually - because I wore suits to clubs a lot (it was the 80s after all) I ironed all the shirts I wore to go dancing (5 shirts a week or so...). I would have had them done by the dry cleaner, but I was a student and all and my dry cleaning bill on my suits was killer (I sweat a lot when engaged in strenuous activity).

When I was dating mrs_c I didn't do much ironing.

At first.

Then I got comments from mrs_c like "Yeah, it's funny, my Mom said 'I noticed that [cadbury] doesn't always iron his shirts'. I guess she doesn't understand the bachelor lifestyle.

[pause]

Why don't you iron your shirts? It's not like you don't have the time..."

That last reference about having the time was a not very subtle poke at the fact that I was unemployed at the time - well, I was working part-time by that point - but mrs_c called it unemployed.

Anyway, comments of this nature continued throughout our courtship. I eventually made sure that everything I wore around mrs_c and/or her family was ironed - including jeans and t-shirts.

After we were married I continued ironing. Mrs_C would also iron my stuff.

After we had children things changed only in that my participation in ironing decreased as my time on food/meals/dishes and child care increased.

Now I'm on my own.

I still don't like ironing.

Except now I actually like to have ironed clothes. Not so much because I give a shit about whether they are ironed or not, but because the vast majority of women that I have any interest in prefer a neatly pressed man.

* a dramatisation of a well pressed cadbury

(have I got pretty much only one thing on my mind? yes. but you already knew that didn't you...)

The juxtaposition of mrs_c and ironing associations and prepping myself for sex appeal through well ironed clothes is creating a somewhat itchy spot in my mind.

[later edit: I realised, as I proofread, that it's not true - I actually like to be neatly pressed now. I think. maybe. but chicks still dig ironed more than rumpled. in fact one of the young guys in my office never irons his shirts. I keep thinking "he should iron his shirt". but i'm not sure if it's conditioning or actual preference. he also doesn't have the hems on his pants done properly. I gave him the double sided interface tip...]

Toasted Ham And Cheese With A Side Of Computer Games, Hold The Exercise

A post that wanders...

When Mrs_C left for holidays she left a bunch of food in the fridge at the house. She asked me to clear it out. "Use whatever you can use, and throw out the rest" she said.

I went over to check the fridge and maintain the house and feed the dog and water the plants (I'm house sitting my own house). Threw a couple of spoiled items out - some had been there since I left in early July. Mrs_C was never good with the whole food management thing.

Daughter had made sandwiches for the trip before they left.

[tangent style="rant: bitter+1;"]
Mrs_C (without me) had been flummoxed on how to get them out the door for the trip on any kind of a timely basis (my daughter didn't actually use the word "flummoxed" when she called me - she said "Mom and Grandma don't have a clue how to get us out the door or plan a trip like you")

Anyway, Daughter thawed and opened a package of low fat ham I had bought and put in the freezer before I bolted my marriage. I had made sure the house was stocked with food before I split because I just knew Mrs_C wouldn't pay any attention to food [or rather - feeding the kids] - so I made sure there were enough supplies to get them through her period of trauma... it turns out that she still didn't pay any attention anyway (as detailed in Sunday Morning Coffee With Mrs_C [a rant])

Daughter used the stockpiled ham to make sandwiches because at the ripe old age of 10 she realised that if there was no food in the vehicle she and her dufus 14 year old brother (who still wasn't out of bed at 10:30am on the day they were supposed to leave) would be going hungry because Mom and Grandma wouldn't stop for food (they both do that meal skipping bullshit).
[/tangent]

So there was leftover ham. I couldn't bear to see it going to waste (I have a mega thing about wasting food). I also had some cheese in my fridge from when the kids were there that was going slightly moldy. I convinced myself that it wouldn't hurt me to break diet a couple of times to have a couple of hot toasted ham and cheese sandwiches.

whole wheat bread, sliced onion, spoonful of tomato and basil spaghetti sauce, ham, cheese - put in sandwich maker - works with pepperoni and salami too - sort of a pizza sandwich - poor man's calzone with bread - really fast - kids like it - me too

So I ate two sandwiches with not much cheese and some ham along with various piles of healthy food (see the other blog for more details on healthy food)

And on each of the two nights I did that, I felt vaguely sluglike afterward and didn't go exercise.

I also had spasms in my calves and convinced myslef that it would be just as well to not go so as to not exacerbate my tight calves. And I was tired. And I had food to make and ironing to do.

And what did I do, gentle readers? I stayed in the apartment and played computer games until about 2am.

My conclusion:

I need to stop eating ham and cheese sandwiches. Bite the bullet and throw out the remaining food that does not conform to my diet. I don't feel as active or spritely when weighed down with heavier food.

Also, I need to realise that I may be a little depressed - I don't think so - but I need to understand that I may have more reaction to all this than I want to admit to myself. I have issues with slacking and avoidance when under heavy stress (as detailed in Problems Completing Tasks).

I will be reviewing it with my counselor. I will not be accepting any medication from anyone. Good diet and exercise is probably the best prescription, I think.

Father-in-law Forgets Who My Daughter And Son Are (Literally)

I got a call from the kids yesterday. They are on vacation with their Mother in another city. They went with Mrs_C's Mother and Father.

[tangent]
Father-in-law has always been, uhhhhh, a little slower. Not stupid, per se, but slower. He's not a well educated man (grade 6), and he's 80 something, and he's worked either on the farm by himself or in manual labour jobs his whole life. English is also not his first language. He has also suffered from depression in his life. His manner of speaking is slow. He repeats himself a lot.

He's a decent enough man, even if he holds a number of racist and right-wing and conservative catholic religious views I do not agree with or care for. He is a product of his era and his life history. Because of this I do not hold much against him for his views, even while they grate many times. He is not an active hater, and while he regularly makes cracks and racist remarks about various visible minorities, he actually voted for the only black guy to ever run for public office in his area.
[/tangent]

Anyway, son and daughter tell me that on this trip Father-in-law has been forgetting their names and who they are. Repeatedly. He forgot who their father was and then couldn't remember my name when he did actually remember who they were a few minutes later.

Son and daughter and I just got back from my Uncle and Aunt's 50th wedding anniversary. My Aunt has Alzheimer's. She is functional but doesn't remember anything except who her husband is. This was identified some years ago. My children have witnessed her deterioration in visits my Dad has had with his brother (Uncle) and with this Aunt. They have been gracious and kind in dealing with her. I have been proud of their patience. She was recently put into a "home".

The kids have seen and dealt with the outward symptoms of Alzheimer's for some years.

In the last two days they have witnessed tremendous and abnormal forgetfulness on the part of their Grandfather. They told their Mother and their grandmother.

Mrs_C and Grandmother (and Mrs_c's sister that lives in the same city as us) have in the past resentfully rejected any of the suggestions that either the kids or I have offered over the last few years that there is something more to Father-in-law's ways.

Now it has smacked them in the face. They both saw it happening on this trip. There are no signs of anything like a stroke (according to the kids when I quizzed them about the situation over the phone) - it's just the same memory and personality issues exacerbated many times over.

The kids are handling it with humour and aplomb.

Their Mother and Grandmother less so. Both kids are concerned that they will feel the brunt of the emotion about it. They report that their mother has already said (they were listening in through an open window while the other two talked outside) "And isn't it great that this happens at the same as [cadbury] leaves me."

I told the kids to call me any time.

I'm not there, and I have a great desire to limit my contact with Mrs_C, so I have no intention of intervening. I have concerns about the old man's welfare under the less than informed and highly emotional and erratic guidance and decision making of the people around him. But he's not my Father and they have all rejected me pretty hard since things have occurred with Mrs_C and I.

Father-in-law actually suggested that I would have to "Answer to God" for my actions surrounding the separation with Mrs_C - and not "answer to God" in anything other than the eternal damnation scenario.

I think that unless my kids ask me to do something I am going to resist my natural do-gooder tendencies and stay out of the situation. It is also the sort of thing that Mrs_C would absolutely use to try to guilt me into staying tied to her.

I'm saddened.

Problems Completing Tasks

I've always had a problem getting things done when I'm under stress or overwhelmed. The critical tasks all get done. Deadlines that need to get met are met, but other things will begin to fall off the table. Even things that are important in the medium to long term.

Take billing/invoicing for example. I just need to do some hours totals and put together the invoices, but it seems completely overwhelming so I put it off. I can't seem to muster the focus.

And it's not like I don't need the money. But it won't kill me today, and it won't kill me tomorrow, or even this month. So I end up sluffing it. Too many things on the plate. Too much running through my mind.

I prefer one or two items that I can focus in on and take apart and reassemble.

Too much stuff all at once rattles me. That, in fact, is usually the source of any times I blow up at my kids. When they ask me to do too many things all at once and there is no way I can meet all the demands I lose it and get angry.

I imagine that part of it is just learning to say no. Learning to refuse more than I can actually handle.

Life On A Day To Day Basis

I've spent so much time obsessing about the state of my marriage that I don't completely know how to write in this blog about anything else. I think I will decide on a series of topics and work from there.

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The ongoing life narrative:

I received an email from the teacher lady I went out with. She was in a 5 year relationship before going out with me. She had decided to start dating again, but for whatever unexplained reasons decided to revisit that relationship again. She described it as her "stubborn" "make it work" side.

Oh well. I wish her well. She's a very nice lady whom I very much enjoyed my evening with.

I'm getting set up by a number of people who know me. They have friends who are single and many people who know me don't want me to return to Mrs_C. Especially to 50something ladies in my office and building. So they are looking around.

So, I went on another date. Nice lady, but terrible mismatch. She's a correctional facilities worker/staff instructor. I was talking to her before we went for coffee - I made a reference to nerdy friends (as a computer guy I have a few...) who spoke Klingon - she didn't even know what Klingon is.

We still ended up going for coffee. She's nice enough, but we have almost nothing in common.

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I'm still trying to get my apartment organised. Now that the kids are gone with their Mom I expect to have a little more time to work on it in the next week. I've made a little headway.

Went to my Uncle and Aunt's 50th Anniversary this last weekend. Saw cousins that I haven't seen in decades. That was OK. My kids went with me. My daughter tried to balk a bit about going, but Mrs_C forced the issue with her. I was prepared to let it go and allow daughter to stay, but Mrs_C forced it - much to her credit.

Mrs_C said "There were lots of times when I was a kid that I didn't want to go to some family event, or some place and was even mad about it at the time - because I wanted to stay home and have fun. But now as an adult, I am so very glad I had the opportunity to meet those relatives and be in that place."

Kudos to Mrs_C.

Daughter ended up having fun. Daughter would have had less fun if she'd stayed. She wanted to stay because one of her cousins had his girlfriend arriving for a visit from overseas and she wanted to see her. This poor lady was so jetlagged and tired (about 2.5 days with no sleep) when she arrived that she was not interested in anything - certainly not a 10 year old girl...

You see, daughter wants to spend any time she can with women in their late teens early 20s that are "hot" and "cool" - like her cousins and this girlfriend.

More later - work beckons.

Why?

Again

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Yeah.

I know.

You told me so.

Fuck you too.

---

Went to address logistics of this coming weekend (kids with me and some stuff we're doing out of town) and my taking care of the house while Mrs_C and the kids are gone on vacation in the immediate future.

Nice night. I like our neighbourhood. I sit all day. We went for a walk around the neighbourhood. She tells me all about how she knows she didn't treat me right and stuff and she wants me to come back, blah, blah, blah.

I'm saying - no, this is a discussion just about logistics. She's saying but you need to know what I'm thinking. You need to know how I'm feeling. You need to know how much I'm changing.

I tell her that the discussion was agreed to only be about logistics. She reticently agrees to stick to that topic.

We complete the discussion. She's been quite pleasant. I leave. I'm actually thinking positive thoughts about her (not about our marriage). Thinking "My, she CAN be reasonable sometimes."

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My son (14) calls me today. He's very upset. Seems he just got of the phone with his mother. He got into an argument with his mother because he didn't want to go shopping for new pants with her. He said he'd phone me to see if he needs dress pants for the event we are going to. His mother accused him of always subverting her rules by phoning me. Says that neither daughter or son will listen to her. His mother then accused him of trying to manipulate me in my "sensitive state", but wouldn't say what about. She says to son that he's trying to manipulate her and the whole situation. She says that he's just being stubborn about everything - and that she's not going to have both him and me telling her that we're right all the time. Just like his Dad - always has to be right and she has to give in to try to save the marriage and what a long time it will take to "get things back to normal" after all of this. Blah, blah, blah (some other stuff).

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Do you see any change?

---

Yeah.

I know the answer too.

That's called a rhetorical question.

And I don't actually mean fuck you too. I'm just astounded at the lack of results for the good intentions side of the universe.

Everybody sing along:

Make me a channel of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me bring Your love,
Where there is injury, Your pardon Lord,
And where there's doubt, true faith in You

Make me a channel of your peace,
Where there's despair in life let me bring hope,
Where there is darkness - only light,
And where there's sadness, ever joy

Oh Master, grant that I may never seek,
So much to be consoled as to console,
To be understood, as to understand,
To be loved, as to love with all my soul

Make me a channel of your peace,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
In giving to all men that we recieve,
And in dying that we're born to eternal life

(did i mention that this was sung by the soloist at my wedding at my request?)

A Reasonable Question Asked

"why are you still going to "marriage" counseling and starting "dating" at the same time" - bg's Little Sis

I agreed to go to counseling after I blew up on the phone. The atmosphere of our conversations was increasingly hostile. At least I was hostile and she was manipulating my hostility (in my opinion). I agreed to have a discussion with Mrs_C with the counselor as a "mediator" or "mediating presence" about how we resolve to work together on raising the kids.

One of the things that has caused me to be hostile is that Mrs_C is dragging "I want to you to come back" stuff into the "what are we doing about and with the kids" discussions (we are setting up the lesson and activity line-up for the next school year).

I dislike anger, yelling, fighting, and tension laced personal situations (I have no issue with it at work because that's not a matter of "the heart"). I am now of the belief that Mrs_C actively provoked me as a ploy to get back to the marriage counselor. I am so naive that way...

So, I agreed it would probably be just as useful to use the counselor we have already seen, because we wouldn't have to bring someone new up to speed.

Mrs_C proceeded to use most of the session with the counselor to try to put getting back together back on the table for discussion.

And that is the answer to the question.

Blogger Made My Post Go Away

So I had a post half way done. It was about how Mrs_C pissed me off by lying and skirting the issues and trying to pull her old tricks during a counseling session I agreed to go to recently. It was about how for the first time in 18 years Mrs_c has the audactity to say "I think [cadbury] is the sexiest and most exciting man I've ever met" (I suppose there's a first time for anyone to say anything - but that statement might have been nicer a few years ago...). It was about catching her in inconsistent positions all through the session - and her and the counselor knowing it - and the counselor saying "I don't think catching [mrs_c] on inconsistencies is going to help anything" (idiot counselor).

And then the post disappeared.

I think it disappeared because my greatest urge through the whole written diatribe was to stop typing the story about Mrs_C and say "Fuck this! I am a happy man."

I wake up early without headaches.

I have women who think I'm hot (well, at least they want to go out with me) in real life. Who smile deeply at me.

But I started to go negative again.

So, thank-you blogger, for screwing up my post.

"Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin"

Bellissimo date!!!

Late night after date post.

Went on a date with the teacher lady. She's really nice. Very attractive - and best of all, likes me ;-)

Wheeee!!!

She even gave me a hug (two big hugs, actually [no - I did not try to kiss her] I was blown away suprised by the hugs) as we parted and said she'd like to go out again. If I didn't think I'd look too stupid I would have started softshoeing up the sides of the walls, lampposts and a fountain as I walked back to my car at the end of the date - sort of a Gene Kelly singin' in the rain moment except it wasn't raining...

We started off with a simple coffee at 7:30 and ended after midnight at a pub with music (not a dance place, but a nifty downtown pub). We walked in the park downtown and stuff - neither of us wanted to end the date.

We talked and talked. I took some pics (printed wallet sized ones off the colour printer) because pictures are worth a thousand words. Want to see I'm a nice guy - look at my kids in their ethnic dance outfits, the massive tree fort, and the all weather dog house with kennel and even his own private tree to pee on.

I was up front about the length of time since my separation. She was terribly understanding (having been through a drawn out "maybe this can work" soul draining split herself some 6 years back).

She put up well with me blithering on and on (I cover for nervousness with talk lots of the time - I think it's entertaining and intelligent talk, but I can still go on a bit). I tried very hard to shut up (and did lots). I asked her lots of questions and was highly respectful of her answers and ideas.

It was really nice and really fun. I'm beaming like a little kid.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!!!

If I was the little dog in the Bugs Bunny cartoon I'd be bouncing up and down panting and wagging my tail with excitement.

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Oh, well.

I hope this post doesn't come off sounding too idiotic for a 40 year old guy.

But I'm soooooooo happy. Time for bed. Got to work in the morning.

And Now Its A Couple of Weeks Later

First - Holiday pics on the other blog

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A few of you have asked for updates. This is one. There is just so much less drama to report, though...

Oh, and thank-you for being interested and caring. Really. I mean that.

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We went on holidays. Well, we took a holiday. We did mostly day trips out of the city and slept at the apartment.

The first couple of days we slept. We slept late. We just kind of lounged and slacked around the apartment and went out for a few hours on each of the days. We listened to cool music and putzed about. I had planned for much more excitement, but sleep seemed to be the order of the day. Mrs_C and her whatever it is that she does to us emotionally is soooo taxing on the body and spirit.

We put stuff away in the apartment. I built desks and work surfaces for their crafts and models and for the computers. The kids helped with the building. Daughter painted a picture and we bought a frame for it.

We saw movies and wandered and enjoyed the peace.

I am amazed at what that woman does to me and does to my children. I don't understand how someone could have such a disturbing presence.

We enjoyed the peace.

So much of things is kind of a blur. I should have diarized it at the time, but with the kids around and only one computer and all the other stuff needing to be done I didn't.

Mrs_C kept phoning. I yelled at her once when the kids were around (not much choice - they can't be very far away in the apartment). She was demanding time and that we talk and wanting to know whether I had any feelings toward her, or any commitment, and why wasn't I making more effort to work things out, and how long would I be not talking to her for...

I pointed out that I had ended up speaking with her every single day since I left, and had seen her on more than 3/4 of the days since I left, so how the hell did she call it ignoring her. Blah, blah, blah.

I apologised to the kids for losing it as bad as I did in their presence.

I did not apologise to Mrs_C.

She tried to horn in on stuff a couple of times but I told her to butt out.

She did.

The kids went with her on one of the days for some time. I asked them if they wanted to stay at their Mom's place overnight. They said no. They wanted to come back to the apartment.

We did a border run and saw some stuff in the U.S. for a couple of days. That was cool for them. Because we weren't going on any big trips I tried to think of things that they could talk about at school that would be cool.

We went to the homestead sites of my Mom's family and saw the land and the abandoned (pioneer) buildings. We saw some small town museums and saw a few relatives. Scored a few free rooms and meals. The kids surprisingly enjoyed it - including the relatives.

Without hubris, I think I can say that just enjoy being with me. Also, the peace and calm of it all was so new. They clung to the calm.

---

Mrs_C is in competition with me to attract the kids. She redecorated daughter's room. It looks really nice. Quite stylish. She called me to solve one of her decorating problems. I did before I realised I was helping Mrs_C in her bid for appeal to daughter.

Mrs_C generally isn't doing a very swell job of competing. Before they came over here she would whine at them to climb into the bed and cuddle and sleep with her. The kids complain to me that they just get hot and uncomfortable. Son refused to do it after the first couple of days.

I am staying constant with who I usually am. My ways of doing things and my non-demanding nature is all the contrast needed in the political push and pull with the kids. I may be non-demanding, but it's because I have rules and I have discipline - it is a structured environment - I am painfully consistent, and even when I am not I usually note the exception, or go back and correct the inconsistency. Mrs_C tends to be fairly arbitrary in her supervision. There is little consistency. Kids crave consistency.

I also include the kids in the decision making - and they actually get to determine outcomes. They complain that Mrs_C asks them what they want, or want to do, and then bugs, hectors, and harangues them until they give in to what she originally wanted (sound familiar folks?). And then accuses them of insolence when they try to hold their position.

---

Mrs_C is working a later shift next week, so I will be seeing the kids for supper each day. They will be going out of town with her after this week. There are some interesting ways all that has come together, and some interesting swirl in Mrs_c's holiday arrangments that will be the subject of another post.

---

Went on a date

Yes, I went on a date. It sucked. It blew. It blew chunks. It bit.

Did I say how bad it was?

It was a blind date fixed up for us by two people that know each other that know us separately, and who got to talking about their two friends who might be looking for a date.

The first three sentences of the date weren't bad - well, make it three minutes of ordering coffee (she doesn't drink coffee so hot chocolate for her) and picking a table. Shortly after the conversation went to where I work. I work someplace that makes policy decisions that affect the operation she manages. Only obliquely, but she blames us for her lack of resources (remember politics people).

After awhile (about an hour and a half) she made up an excuse to leave. I was OK with it.

Yep. This woman was everything I didn't want. Arrogant. Convinced of her own superior station. Demanding. Inquisitorial.

Yep. After less than a half an hour I was having to justify my own existence.

But in one way it was fun. I could make the choice.

---

Speaking of choice, I am choice meat, people. I have been asked out twice outside of the above blind date.

Once by a teacher I know peripherally that I ran into in the grocery store. She asked me how I was doing, I told her that I had separated and was getting my act together, and she said "Is it too soon to ask if you'd like to go out sometime?". I said I would be delighted. Stay tuned this week.

The other, get this [heh], was while I was taking daughter through dress shops the other day (no - it was not in front of daughter). Son was out doing something with a friend, and daughter and I went to a nifty Italian deli and had lunch in the park (that whole afternoon - that time together - was dreamlike in its perfection). We then cruised the downtown, and I asked her if she wanted to go into wedding and evening dress boutiques and look at the dresses (she was so thrilled). She buys prom dress magazines and stuff, so it just seemed to be the right thing to do - something she'd like.

We had gone into a couple already, but then went into one that was little different. It had some groovy music on, and some very funky fashions in addition to the wedding dresses and regular evening gowns.

The lady inside appeared and I gave my stock comment about looking at dresses with daughter, and the stores being like a life sized prom magazine.

Daughter was wandering at the other end of the store. I commented on the music - how much I liked it - and then realized it was from a CD I own. It was new CD for the lady - none of her friends liked it but she did. We laughed and she played some other CDs she had recently gotten. I made some suggestions in the same musical genre. We talked a bit and I told her how daughter wants to be a fashion designer.

It turns out this woman owns the store and is a designer - clothing and costuming for movies. She's hot. We gab. Daughter wanders in and out. She is a precious child with a wonderful soul who never fails to warm anyone's heart. She knows how to lay it on thick too (Dad knows how to lay it on thick as well - I've been using "the voice". The one my kids razz me about - you remember - the Barry White/James Earl Jones/Gregory Peck voice. Oddly enough it gets deeper and more manly the more I'm trying to impress some unsuspecting woman [the voice never seems to come out around guys...]). Store lady is thrilled by how encouraging I am of my 10 year child's dream to be a designer. Daughter preens at the attention of an artsy hot chick.

Daughter wanders off some more.

Store lady asks me where Mom is today. I say "I think she's at home - I'll be dropping the kids at her place later in the day. This is the last day of our vacation together".

Store lady asks "Oh, you live at separate places?"

"Yes."

"Do you drink coffee - we could talk more about music..." she says (or something like that - this is an abreviated version).

"Absolutely." She suddenly seems embarrassed at her forwardedness - so I wrote down my name and number and said I would be thrilled if she called.

Daughter wants me, so I go with her to look at some dresses.

Store lady is looking at the piece of paper as we wave as we leave a little while later.

---

I think that's enough for now. More later.

Hmmmmm...

Discovered on NoWhereGirl's blog

I am 23% Asshole/Bitch.

I am not an asshole or a bitch, more like an asshole and bitch target. I have no backbone, and fold at even a slightly insincere look. I need to stop crying, I am such a wuss.

Take the
Asshole/Bitch Test
@ FualiDotCom

---

BTW - I posted on my other blog.

On counseling, Weakness, Dinner And Sexy Dresses

counseling: Went to counseling. It was better. Wasn't under attack. Talked through some stuff. Actually had useful discussion about the way we talk/communicate to/with each other.

I'd tell you what I found useful. But I don't actually remember... Must have been good stuff.

[condensed version of one part]
Mrs_C brought up the "Should we be having sex?" issue. She kept referring to it obliquely through the session. The counselor could tell there was a subtext, but Mrs_C wasn't going there (I will grant that she's still a little embarrassed to talk about sex openly). Finally I just explained what had happened. I explained that I thought I was being played. Mrs_C said she wasn't. The counselor said "There - an example of assumptions getting in the way of honest communications." I pointed out that Mrs_C had said "Are we ready to take our relationship to the next level?" after working me up - which I interpreted as using sex as bait. I said flat out "She's prancing around in these little outfits, more daring than she's ever worn before, dangling it in front of me and then says 'Should we really?' She's waving it in front of me and expecting me to come running like a dog with my tongue hanging out - and when I did she shuts me down - twice!". I explained that I got the message loud and clear and that was why I had been totally business with Mrs_C all week. She wants it that way, that's what she gets - I also said that was why I had refused to go on vacation for a week with her and the kids - if getting shut down twice had pissed me off, then what would a week of it do? Mrs_C said that wasn't what she meant. That she just didn't think separated coupled were supposed to have sex. The counselor said you should do whatever you want because there is no right and wrong or "supposed to do". I was like "Whatever".

----

My Dad asked me on Thursday or so why I was still going to counseling. I told him "pure politics". The appointment is made, and my audience of two (kids) is not going to have their mother be able to say that I didn't give it a solid try. I want to have them experience a couple of weeks of peace and quiet as contrast to the histrionics of their mother before announcing "It won't work." He said - "Just understand what you goal is when you go into these sessions. Keep that in mind."

----

Mrs_C said she wanted to come with me somewhere I was going on Saturday - Home Depot or the Co-op Home Centre or something - various errands. I couldn't think of a reason to say no. Got to just start realising I'm allowed to just say no for arbitrary reasons. I'm too polite.


Weakness: Yeah I did it with Mrs_C on Saturday... I'm not that bright. I'm just not always thinking about whether I'm being maneuvered or not. She helps me carry something up to the apartment - I'm thinking she's just being extra helpful for its own sake. Nope - I later realise that it was to maneuver me to let her up to the apartment. We put the stuff up there and I'm going to take her home. She wants a hug.

Yep.

Sproing.

It's been awhile. One thing leads to another. She says "There's no agenda - I'm just so horny." Yes. I know. I'm a sad human being.

Colour me idiot. Colour me male. Colour me thinking "She said there was no agenda - twice..." Colour me forgetting my son's words "She's a master manipulator."

How did Nowhere Girl put it...? "I have SO used that one before."

It was fine. She described it as "hot" and "tension relieving". We parted well with no issues or collar jerking.

----

dinner: The next day I'm picking up the kids to begin the holiday around 5pm. I have to drop by earlier (4pm) to pick up some tools - I'm building this desk in the apartment. When I get there and Mrs_C tells me that daughter thinks we're (the kids and I) going out for supper. Mrs_C tells me daughter has been picking out her dress (this fringed red number I bought for her in Mexico). Mrs_C says daughter's been looking forward to dressing up and going out and planning it all afternoon.. I had no such idea, but if daughter wants to go out for supper - well ok. Mrs_C says "Can I come?" I'm a little choked, a little taken aback - it was supposed to be the launch of "our" vacation - we were supposed to be discussing the planning details of our vacation. And now Mrs_C wants to come - and she knew that's what we were doing that night because I told her. She pulls the quivery lip watery eyes thing. Daughter starts getting upset. I'm rattled. I'm focused on the question of getting this desk built, finishing the apartment set-up and getting ready for activities. I'm rattled. I say OK. She says "Well, if you think I'm coming on too strong." (editorial comment: she always pulls that when she always has what she wants and knows it) I say no - let's just go. I ask where we're going to go - because she hasn't been happy with any of the places we've gone in a long time. She says "Anyplace with you is OK by me."

sexy dresses: We go finish part of the desk and then I go back to pick up the ladies. I get there and daughter is done up and Mrs_C is wearing one of her new little summer dress numbers and is all dolled up (appropriate for a summer dress, but still all done up). I'm upset now - I say that the place I had planned wasn't the kind of place to be all dolled up in - it's more of a jeans place (a local budget pasta restaurant). She says it's OK and its only a $14.00 dress she got on sale. I'm "whatever".

I'm pretty cranky - but mostly silent - my tone betrays me. We get to the restaurant and everyone is unhappy and upset. I tell Mrs_C that I think she's playing me and that she has levered her way into the meal and then dresses up in her display outfit to dangle it in front of me.

She says that it is one of the few outfits she has that fits now and that the truth was she just didn't want to eat alone, so she just wangled her way into the meal - and that she just got into dress-up mode with daughter - that they both fed off each other.

Some of the upset dissipated and I said I would go to the bathroom and that when I got back we would all be happy and have a good meal. I washed my face and took some deep breaths and returned. It took a few minutes but we were laughing and happy and the tension was put aside. Poor kids.

While dropping Mrs_C at the house she says "Let's have a short walk". We talk and she says that she thought that there might be less tension between us since we "made love". I'm dumb, but not that dumb. I'm cluing in to my own stupidity.

The kids and I leave to go to my parents' place - my parents were leaving for awhile and we are watching their house (our vacation is day trips and one overnighter).

While driving there I apologise to my kids for getting upset and that I had leapt to some wrong conclusions, and that I was sorry about making things difficult at supper. My daughter informed me that she was just going to wear her regular clothes and that it was her mother that told her to dress up and wear the dress I had bought for daughter in Mexico. That Mrs_C said that they should dress up and look good and make me feel bad about leaving. They tell me that their Mom was playing me. That it was the set-up I thought it was.

The slow burn sets in.

Gone Fishin'

I will only sporadically be around for the next couple of weeks. I am on vacation with my kids.

See you all when I make it on the net, or after Aug 7 or so...

Time With Daughter

She called on Sunday night. She was crying. She missed me. Mrs_C said she should call me. Daughter later told me Mrs_C had tried to maneuver daughter to lay a guilt trip on me - you know "Tell him you miss him and if he were living here you wouldn't have to miss him"

Even my 10 year old daughter saw through that one...

On Monday I made arrangements for her to come over to my place for supper. Son was out with his cousins at the beach.

I have her in various summer camps at the university (drama, dance, choral) - so after work I went and picked her up. We went for drinks (tonic water and lime - make it a little weird and adult in taste so they remember it [heh]) at a cool restaurant/bar downtown. I was going to pick up a little Vietnamese food at the place next door, but it was closed. We instead trooped off to a dingy chinese/oriental grocery store over in our chinatown that I like (Mrs_C hates it... messy, a little worn, a little dingy). We looked at weird chinese food stuff for awhile (like going to a museum or such) and then picked out some dim sum bits for supper.

We steamed the dumplings and sticky rice with pork in lotus leaves, and I lightly painted the vegetarian spring rolls with oil and baked them in the toaster oven. Man, that worked slick on the spring rolls!!! Fast and no hassle - no deep frying either (a good thing since I'm on a low fat diet).

She ate and ate and ate.

She said Mrs_C had been criticising her for eating too much. I told her that was rubbish. If she eats the right things - healthy things - and stays active she should eat as much as she wants - she's a growing girl.

I don't need Mrs_C's eating and food pathology passed on to my children.

We finished eating, left the dishes and cuddled up on the couch to watch some TV for an hour or so - cartoon channel. We talked about this and that. It was happy and it was peaceful. It was very close.

I walked her to the house - about 7 minutes away. She was happy.

Asked A Woman Out

I asked a woman out today. She works in another work unit in the building. I've known her for a few years - we like each other. I asked her to go to a jazz club on Friday night. She said yes.

Then she sent me an email saying no.

She said she recently got dumped and had been broken hearted, and just started seeing another guy. She said she wants to see where the other relationship goes, and doesn't want to mess it up.

"You are a great guy and I hope you don't take this personally,
Sorry,"

I wandered down to her office and told her that I was fine with everything, and that I had taken a flyer not knowing if she was dating someone or not.

She said that given her situation and mine, it would not work for her.

I said I was sorry if I had made things awkward for her at all.

She said no, and hoped I was OK with it.

I said I was.

----

I had previously checked out whether she was dating or not with a mutual friend in her office, and to my friend's knowledge she wasn't dating as of a couple of weeks ago.

I suspect one of two scenarios: 1) She got cold feet because of potential complications. 2) Her explanation is 100% legit.

Either way, I probably took the leap too soon.

Oh, well.

Maybe after my situation clears up.

or

whatever

[later edit]

i just got off the phone with my friend. she said the woman i asked out was sincere both in initially wanting to go out with me, and the situation of her declination.

my friend said they both said they thought i had "seriously brass balls" (their words, not mine) for asking that quickly after separating and not choking - and handling the turndown with aplomb and grace...

as above

whatever

now i need to find someone else to go out with Friday night

anybody up for an evening of acid jazz with a live DJ at a funky bistro?

Moved In

I've had the beds/mattresses since last week. My brother and I assembled most of the bunkbed, and I finished it mid-week while waiting for the TV guys to come hook up my internet and TV service.

I have a TV (parents old one) and some living room furniture. I have a table and some chairs. I have a microwave (my parents old one), coffee maker, and a toaster oven. I have lamps and night tables and things.

I now have some dishes, pots and pans, flatware, cooking utensils, and various other accoutrements of a household.

There is food in the fridge and some stuff in the cupboards.

I have toilet paper and a shower curtain and limited toiletries.

I have the makings of a household. There are still boxes and stuff piled around.

The kids stayed over on Saturday night.

More stuff is still arriving, and as I am sorting out what I have, people who know me (friends and co-workers) are volunteering more stuff - at times pulling it out of their own cupboards and/or buying me stuff - yeah - some people are buying stuff to make it easier for me.

I've been asked to make a list of what I need.

There is a consensus emerging (directly stated and implied by actions) that most of the people who know me don't want me to go back to Mrs_C.

It's not just because they are my friends and they are helping me out, or are bailing me out of an action I've taken... in the cases where I have inquired this is a well formed opinion. These folks apparently haven't been happy for some years with how Mrs_C conducted herself toward me.

The 50+ women are the harshest in their comments.

Not blowing my horn, but apparently I am the best Dad they've ever seen - and apparently a good spouse too... Just so my head doesn't swell, they still happily list various of my other faults - including not getting stuff done on time, forgetting things, and a messy office.

Also, apparently no one else has noticed any problem with me being able to express myself emotionally.

I'm putting the above comments in this post, not to ask for accolades or anything, but because I need to keep reinforcing positive ideas. Emotionally, for me, sometimes things are good and sometimes things are bad. I need to reinforce to me, in my own mind, that I am a good person and that I am not "destroying our family".

I am also posting these comments because I am looking around with clearer eyes. Some of what I am seeing is new to me. My parents' exhortations to "just get some sleep" are proving to be true. I feel like I have just woken up. I'm a little wobbly and a little groggy, but I have new eyes for this situation.

By saying it out loud (or by posting it here) it becomes more real. The understanding becomes more real.

I Must Not Think With My Dick

I Must Not Think With My Dick.
I Must Not Think With My Dick.
I Must Not Think With My Dick.
I Must Not Think With My Dick.
I Must Not Think With My Dick.
I Must Not Think With My Dick.
I Must Not Think With My Dick.

um, yeah

Mrs_C has lost about 15-20 lbs since the really bad turmoil began.

She looked good before. She looks really hot now.

She went out and bought some new clothes. They are much more provocative than she has ever worn before. She has made sure she has been wearing said clothes around me.

On Sunday, I almost faltered... (It's been a couple of weeks and I woke up dreaming about her, or rather, about getting it on with her).

I know she's doing it to try to lead me by my dick (as I have noted previously), but my head has usually been in control of that portion of my anatomy, so I'm aware that it is a deliberate strategy.

Other Things On My Mind

1) I am thinking I will see how we survive in the apartment over the next month or two - especially come school. If we are doing OK - even though I don't like the idea of the kids having to share the room, it will only be for week on week off.

I could clear up some serious amount of bills by staying in the apartment and not trying for the house. Next spring my car payment is dead, another payment is dead, and I will have knocked a huge whack off my credit cards - I would be in a much stronger position to buy the house. I could make it right now, but I would have to shave some corners, and in a couple of months have to lean on my parents.

Even if housing prices went up by 5 - 7% (our city has a fairly strong upward trend in property prices right now - booming economy) I would have about $1200 per month after those payments are gone. That would make things much easier - even if I had to pay another $5-10,000 for the house.

2) My poor son (14) is being driven to a state of mental exhaustion by Mrs_C and by the stress of the situation. I feel very badly for him. I really want the apartment to be ready (should be ready Saturday) so he can have a refuge.

My only consolation is that I know he will survive. He will not have a breakdown in the next week, and he will then have my place to escape to.

I have to be able to help him in the long term, so I have to leave him hanging a little right now.

3) Mrs_C wants me to go to her sister's condo in the mountains in August. I don't think I will. When I mentioned it to the kids, they rolled their eyes and were not very favourably responsive toward - negative in fact.

4) Somehow, when I was imagining things before hand, my place was a whole lot "cooler" than it is...

I'm a little disappointed.

I think it's also because it's a shambles and half moved into. I think I will be happier once I am actually moved in and have been able to spend a couple of hundred dollars on customising it.

A few African curios and masks, some Indian bits and pieces from my travel collection (remember the boxes Mrs_C made me put away?). A few of my friend's paintings - it should be much better.

I'm just anxious. I want it to be nice.

----

My Dad came up to visit my place tonight. He said he thought "it will be an entirely livable space." Yes - he speaks like that...

Time to sleep. Time to give the thinking a rest.

Joint Counselling Session

I arrived shortly before we were to begin. I saw Mrs_C walking toward the counsellor's office. She had obviously dressed up for the session - I complimented her on how she looked.

She said she had dressed hot for me.

I thanked her and repeated my compliment.

As for the session, it sucked.

It went well for the first little while. We were discussing things with the counsellor moderating and asking leading questions. Mrs_C was spending a bunch of time apologising (not what made it go well at the beginning - I tried to stop her from doing so - I don't really want an apology - I have no need or desire that she abase herself for me).

We were talking about Mrs_C spending her time emoting instead of listening to me.

Mrs_C tried to lead in by saying "I don't believe that he really wants this to work out and he has just been laying the groundwork to let me down easy over the last year"

The counsellor says "If he didn't want it to work, why would he be here?" Cut her off short on a number of her "poor me" and "i'm so vulnerable" and "victim" plays.

The counsellor was asking us to outline what we wanted out of the relationship. Mrs_C had her say. I began to give a well thought out analysis and outline of what i wanted (i had written it out prior to the session, just to be clear in my own head).

We were previously talking about me spending too much time on analysing situations and trying to troubleshoot them, instead of addressing emotional issues.

Both mrs_c and the counsellor butted in to my outline and said that they thought that my answer was a little clinical - that it lacked an expression of emotion. I'm thinking "what the fuck?"

I said i preferred to stay in the realm of the tangible instead of romping off into things like emotionally based accusations like "you are having an affair"

So while i was thinking about that they started talking about my difficulty in being prepared to address the emotion behind a comment - like "you are having an affair"

um, what?

i should address the emotion behind the comment and ignore the fallacious accusation? the damaging accusation? an accusation that if left unchallenged becomes the truth because i didn't challenge it?

yup - that is what the counsellor said.

that's where it went off the rails

Mrs_C, who had been sniffling and apologising through the early part of the session, changed tack. I had been relatively strongly and adamantly been stating my case. Mrs_C had been crying, apologetic and meek, I was large, deep-voiced, and strong about my grievences.

Yup.

Mrs_C played the counsellor.

I forced the conversation back to me saying what i wanted.

Mrs_C dropped a bomb in the middle "Can I ask a question about something I want?" she interupts, "Why won't he hug me when we see each other?"

a lie

the counsellor asks "what is your response to that?"

i say "It's not true, and there was only one occasion since i moved out that i refused to hug and that was last night". I then gave a series of examples of when i had hugged her and challenged mrs_c to name any other time than the night before.

the counsellor chided me for getting into an examination of the statement instead of looking at the emotional need underneath the statement

i said that i preferred to deal with reality, not bullshit

that pissed off the counsellor

mrs_c then additionally accused me of not wanting to discuss where the kids would be staying on what schedule. i said that it was a non-issue until my apartment was ready to be set up and until we had decided how summer vaction was going to work. i said i was committed to the principle of maximum exposure for each parent and would absolutely fair and equitable in my requests.

that pissed off the counsellor

she said that it was fair to ask for a discussion about where the kids would go

i said that i had been out of the house for 6 days, that i didn't have my apartment set up, and that i had not been given a reponse on summer vacation schedules - and that the kids were at the house with their mom every day until my apartment got set up and that i saw some multi-hour discussion of kid sharing as ridiculous until other issues were settled because the kids would be staying with their mom except on an ad-hoc basis until i got the apartment finished - and that a multi-hour discussion would only delay that!!!

then they were both on me about my position

a completely logical position

1) a decision can't be made right now
2) a discussion is out of the question until the other issues are addressed
3) mrs_c is working late shift, an arrangment is in place until the weekend, so the issue is irrelevant until at least the weekend and should be deferred until then

they both went off the deep end and said that my position failed to address the fundamental need for mrs_c to have the security she needed to have with regard to the kids

yup

about 1 hour and 20 minutes into the session mrs_c had the counsellor's number and deftly threw bombs in at just the right time to have the counsellor do her dirty work

you see, her manueuver meant i was on the defensive and answering all the questions instead of her

the same as the "discussions" in garage. throw bombs - keep me answering and on the defensive - and she doesn't have to answer shit or answer for anything

i was on the defensive and getting worn down for about 20 more minutes

as i realised how this was working i cut them both off

i said loudly and with command "I think this session is over. Two hours is enough. This is just like the discussions in the garage. I'm done!"

I got up to leave.

The counsellor looked seriously pissed off. I was so mad I didn't even look at mrs_c.

The counsellor said "Yes, we're past time anyway, it's after 6 [pm]. I need to get going."

I said "thank-you for your time" and left.

Mrs_C came after and I outlined my above stated position again. I said I would not engage in the discussion until the weekend. She agreed.

She then repeated that she had dressed hot to try to attract me. She then went on to point out that the dress she was wearing was a size 4 (when we married she was a 9/10) and that if nothing else the separation had been good for her figure - she was the smallest she had ever been in her adult life.

I replied "Always a silver lining" and walked away.

Sunday Morning Coffee With Mrs_C

[a rant]

On Sunday morning I get a call from Mrs_C about 8:55am. I'm still sleeping. I'd been up 'til 2am. I was moving in until around midnight, and couldn't sleep back at my parents - so I looked at real estate listings until 2am.

[tangent]
I had briefly discussed my future housing with my Mom when we were out getting mattresses and stuff. I cautiously mentioned that I would likely be approaching them about part of the costs or co-signing and other efforts related to getting into a house - I want that 3rd bedroom. Payments on a house in the size and price I want would cost less than rent of a 3 bedroom house or apartment. Mom said that wohatever would be would be, and that Dad was the finance guy to figure out how anything would work.

(Why would I be asking them? Because it's easier than trying to lift the whole weight myself. Easier than some of the scraping and hardship that would entail within a solo effort.)

I deliberately left the listings I printed out on my Dad's printer in in home office (he's retired - he's doing some work as a research fellow at the university and some cosulting, but he's around 80 years old). Yes, I know it's a bit of game playing on my part, and I'd live in a hole if were just me (I've done it before) to avoid leaning on my parents, but we're talking about my kids here - I'd sell my sorry ass on the streets for them. I figured that Dad would find the listings (Dad hasn't seen a piece of paper anywhere that he hasn't wanted to read or snoop at... this was like leaving a steak in front of a doghouse), they would see I'm not looking for the moon and stars, they would discuss it, and they would come up with a plan that would work for them. It would also allow them to pre-emptively think about and discuss the matter whithout me having to make a "formal request". It worked perfectly. They already had a preliminary plan in place in less than a day and had already spoken to their lawyer (on a Sunday no less) about some of their ideas. It included a rent-to-own structure for the first year followed by a mortgage assumption. This would also avoid any possibility of Mrs_C trying to grab any piece of the home (and my parent's money) as an asset in a divorce proceeding.
[/tangent]

But back to the phone call from Mrs_C.

She calls. She wants me to read something. I say "Uh, I was asleep." She says "oh, I thought you were going to be up early to work on things..." The night before I had begged off coming in to the house for tea when dropping the kids off. I had told her I needed to be up early to do stuff (9am on Sunday morning is early for me, by the way - also early for her - she usually sleeps until about 11 - 11:30am Sunday)

She wants me to read something. Says its important. Says she wants me to read it as soon as possible.

I groggily agree. I fall right back to sleep. I wake up and hour later. I'm up in flash - in a panic - good lord, I've kept Mrs_C waiting. I stumble out to the kitchen, where I see my Mom reading the paper and tell her I'm late to meet Mrs_C can she help me by getting my food for breakfast ready while I shower.

Mom is up right away and is getting stuff in order, and then asks "OK, what time were you supposed to meet her? Should you be giving her a call?" I say "No, I said I would call her when I was ready, but that was an hour ago and I fell asleep."

Mom asks "OK, so she called you?"

Me "Yes"

Mom "Do you want to meet with her?"

Me "Not really"

Mom "And so why are you getting your shit in a knot?"

And it dawns on me. I'm still scurrying. I'm still reacting in panic.

Mom "Why not tell her you'll meet with her when you damn well feel like it?"

By this time I was thinking - yeah - why did i go into panic mode?

I proceeded at an even pace, but still went to meet Mrs_C at a coffee shop. I didn't apologise for keeping her waiting or even mention how long it took.

She gives me this section from her Dr. Phil book to read that has something about being a "demanding taker" and not a "giver" and about being demanding and not allowing other people to give in their own way - always demanding that giving be on the "taker's terms".

She said that she had realised that was something she did. She went into some long half weepy apology.

Whatever.

I had arranged for daughter to go horseback riding later that afternoon (her first time). Mrs_C asked if she could come along. I was really taken aback. I said no, I didn't see how it would work - I had made the arrangments on the basis of an appeal to kindness/charity that my daughter/kids needed a special outing because of separation related stress. I said it would hardly work to suddenly show up with Mrs_C in tow with no prior notice. I also gave her shit for proposing such a thing with no notice, considering she had known about the outing since Friday.

I told her that I had arranged a bunch of special activities and things to do for the kids based on appeal to kindness because of the divorce and that her coming along would not work in those contexts. I said that a big chunk of my vacation was based on calling in favours surrounding the separation. I talked about some of the elements of that vacation plan.

Can you believe Mrs_C had the audacity to ask to come along? She wanted to come along for most of the activities.

I was hopping mad! I told her that it pissed me off that she was going to try and ride on the coattalis of my planning. I told her I was pissed off that she couldn't even phone her sister to see if we could use their condo in the mountains even though I had been telling Mrs_C to call her since February - and now she wants to ride on the planning I did in one or two days when she couldn't get off her ass since February? I let her have it. I told her I was pissed at the state of the house and the refrigerator since I left. I told her she bitches at the kids to eat healthily and then doesn't put any food in the friedge to eat - much more healthy food - they're home for summer vacation.

I let fly on all the logistical stuff I did over our whole marriage and how she said I never did anything.

I ranted for some time (about 15 minutes). It was all polite, and all accurate, and no repetition - all the things I did that involved planning and management that had fallen apart in a matter of 5 days after I left. That especially included all the menu and meal planning - as well a making sure there was a steady supply and variety of healthy meals, lunches, and after-school snacks. Most of the management of the kids school and activity stuff fell to me too.

It felt good to get those comments off my chest.

I told her that when I brought the kids back from the horseback riding I had better find quality food in the fridge or she'd be in some serious shit from me.

blah, blah, blah a little while longer

I left to continue my apartment move-in.

----

For the record, she had bought food, but missed buying drinks for the lunches my daughter needs to take to her arts camp this week - so at 11:30 at night I'm off buying juice boxes.

Good planning Mrs_C...

Update

Little of my writing muse inhabits me today.

Moving. Furniture, boxes. Son helped me carry stuff, so did daughter, so did a friend of mine because Mrs_C took the kids to the beach with their cousins.

My Mom bought me a mattress and box springs, and bunk beds and mattresses for the kids. It's a two bedroom apartment. In the next couple of months I am looking for a place with 3 bedrooms. The bunk beds are the kind that can be split into two single beds.

My friend has a pile of art he did (he is an artist) in storage. He said he would store in on my walls if he gets it back. I accepted.

I took daughter out horseback riding at a friend's place and son went along - he ended spending the day shooting a BB gun all day. They both had loads of fun. They didn't want to go back to Mrs_C when I took them home, so I let them come with me to the apartment for the last of the evening.

When I picked them up to go out to the farm, daughter said "Hey Dad! Whatever you do, you're not allowed to ask us 'How are you doing? Are you OK? Do you have any feelings you want to talk about?'"

I started to answer her telling her "I don't want to ask you anything you don't feel comfortable in talking about..." when son interupts and says "Yeah, and don't walk up to us and say 'You know, you can hug me if you want... [oh, give meee a huuuug]' (last part said in a simpering soto voice).

They both burst into laughter.

Son says "Yeah, she makes like she's trying to comfort us and what she really wants is us to comfort her."

The time on the farm riding and shooting and eating burgers and pie and ice cream was a wonderful no stress zone.

Mrs_C continues to be REALLY weird. She's kinda falling apart. But that's a story for a different time.

Everything that is really important is out.

I have to rescue my winter clothes and coats, and my computer books and my other books (the ones in the boxes) - and my recipe books, but that's it.

Mrs_C is working a late shift, so I have clear time after work to get it out.

As my head clears I have a pretty good idea that even though my official response is still "I want everything to work out" and "This separation is meant to give us the distance we need to learn how to communicate in a way that doesn't cause problems."

Everybody else seems to see the writing on the wall.

I do to. I'm play-acting until all my stuff is out of the house.

I can see it getting complicated and ugly, but there is equal chance Mrs_C will just collapse on her own.

Me - I'm making sure that I establish myself as solid ground and shelter that my children can seek.

They are already avoiding her weepy tragic, headgame, poor me stuff. They are already being subjected to multi-hour conversations about "how they feel". I said that those conversations were one of the major reasons I left.

Yes - I am documenting it. I will only allow it to continue long enough to document it.

Yesterday the kids told her they wanted the option of making their own choice as to where they lived.

I would like to say that I have been excrutiatingly fair (with the occasional jab) about their mother. I am trying to dissuade them from some of their more bitter comments, by telling them that calling down their Mom will not win me over more - that they have all of my love, and that i will never abandon them or leave them without support.

I have told them that they should beware of bias on both sides - her and I, and to beware of the politics that will inevitably come out of both their mother and I. That they should view some of our statements as attempts to win them over, and that even if I may do it now and again, I am trying not to, but that they should form their own opinions and make their own determinations - not adopt ours.

----

Each day is a new day.

Interlude

My daughter (10) cried when I left last night. That was bad. I tried to console her as best I could before I left.

When I went to sleep on the first full day away, it was hard to not have someone to hold.

I still can't take looking at our backyard and our garden. The tree-fort I built for the kids, the raised beds I built - with Mrs-C's perfectly tended and spaced rows in them. The flowers. The deck, the doghouse (all-weather +100 to -55) and kennel, the bricked and groveled pathways. We did it together and for each other. It is iconic of a dying or dead dream. That yard is the hardest thing to deal with.

Mrs_C is losing her shellshock and is starting to work me to come back - already. She called me on my cell at 8:30am to tell me that she read an article on the net that said that time-outs from a marriage shouldn't be more than 3 weeks. I said we would stick to plan and see the counselor next week and see how things worked out.

I/we framed the situation as a need for a time-out to see if things will work, with the possibility things could work out - that line was specifically formulated for daughter.

Even Mrs_C used the word "if" things work out.

Now she is trying to rewrite things.

Not unexpected.

I'm not going to the west coast with my parents as I originally planned. I can't afford it. Well, I can, but prudence dictates that I hoard/hide cash and/or pay down credit card debt - that can always be converted back to cash.

I'm planning a pretty funky set of day and overnight trips within a couple of hours of my city. I am calling in favours and leaning on friends and relatives.

I seem to have a surfeit of goodwill toward me out there.

I am also cheesily leaning on the happiness of my children and their well-being to make people feel guilty - and making them all feel good. Most of my friends and co-workers are pathological and career do-gooders, so appealing to their sense of do-goodness is a fine idea.

My daughter has a smile and a personality that would make Sauron want to bake brownies with her. My son (14) is highly thought of by my do-gooder friends and family as well.

People want to help me out. That is good.

I am taking daughter out to learn how to ride a horse starting this Sunday - for free - a friend - this horse is a mare with a new colt (4 weeks old). This friend had a bad divorce about a year ago. He has grown children, and grand-kids about my daughters age. He has realised his errors of life focus - being in the "action" - and is looking for redemption for being a grumpy regularly absent father by being the nicest grandfather he can. He is thrilled to teach my daughter to ride.

I am leaning on friends and relatives with cottages and livestock farms to have us do stuff at their places, stay for free, and show us around.

I think it will be OK. The only potential negative vector, as always, will be if Mrs_C decides to lose it...

My apartment is OK. Only two bedrooms right now - the kids will have to share and bunk-bed it for the next couple of months while I sort out permanent arrangements. I'm looking for a house (dog considerations).

I will be furnished in early "Art Scroungo" style. I will have to sew furniture covers and curtains. I think I will be able to do OK from a decorating and style sense. I want to have nice surroundings for myself and for the kids.

When I talked to my son a month or so back, and we drove past some rental townhouses, he said "Hey Dad - can we decorate any place we get? Can we have pictures on the wall? [girl from school] lives in one of those places, and it looks like they are ready to move out on a moments notice. That they don't really live there. Can we put up pictures and stuff to make it ours?"

He's right. Even if it is a transitional low(er) cost temporary apartment (it's only a couple of blocks from our house - walking distance for the kids), it needs to be someplace we are moving to. Not somewhere we are moving because we are escaping from somewhere else.

I will make a home for myself and my children.

Cadbury Has Left The Building - Part 2

In the morning I woke up, showered, put on the same clothes, called home to say I was coming and went there.

I called work and said I wouldn't be coming in.

Just as I arrived I got a panic call about a network problem and a server issue and some other shit. I had to go fix it. I suppose it's good to be indispensable.

After that was done, Mrs_C and I talked calmly for a bit. Mrs_C agreed things would be better with a "time-out" from each other and from pushing each other's buttons and anxiety points.

I prepared and ate lunch with her and my kids. It was good lunch. After we explained to them what would be happening. They took it OK.

I spent the afternoon getting all my hook-ups (power, phone, etc) done. I did a little packing my stuff - all the financial papers and business records.

I was going to move the boxes out of the house, but Mrs_C had gone normal, and she said it wasn't and issue, and I didn't want to provoke her.

She asked me - "just out of interest", she said - why would I pack the boxes of papers first instead of clothes or personal effects? So I told her that I had prepared a checklist for the event of an acrimonious parting and that the top priority on the list was financial documents. Even if the acrimony had dissolved that was still the task list that was present in my head, and I hadn't thought about re-ordering that list. She said "That makes perfect sense. That fits with your ways of doing things. Now I understand."

Just to make sure no shit would happen if I left the boxes, I pointed out that if she fucked up the deal I've worked up to fix that nagging financial issue from my business (which will be worth tens of thousands in written off obligation - my appeal about improperly applied penalties and stuff is almost complete and appears like it will be successful) she would be on the hook for half of that amount under our jurisdiction's laws.

She said that she wouldn't have done anything no matter how mad she got, but that the additional incentive of being freed of the penalties and payments would be a godsend in all scenarios.

Yeah. Too bad people. My parents had the same opinion as you "You told her what? I sure hope you know what your doing. What if she goes unbalanced between now and then?"

I had some delicate handling to do there. I also wanted to make sure there were no accusations of hiding anything. I also didn't have any brainpower left to make any shit up - so I defaulted to telling the truth and trying to protect my interests within that context.

The boxes are all still there in exactly the shape I left them.

Later we ate supper with the kids again, and also went to fix one of our roof vents.

It broke during the repair job and we bought a replacement. It was too dark to finish the job and I left for my parents.

Cadbury Has Left The Building - Part 1

I'm out. I've Left. I'm sleeping at my parent's place. I have an apartment I will get possession of on Friday.

On Monday I told you about Mrs_C's idea of a no pressure living arrangement. I told her on Tuesday that my mind was made up that we should split. She wanted to talk about it.

We went for a walk. The weather has been beautiful lately.

Three and a half hours later we arrived home. She had pressured and argued and pressed and button pushed and wheedled and guilted me for the whole period.

We went for coffee. A half an hour later I said "OK. I give. I give up. I'll stay. I succumb. You win. I can't take any more."

We arrived home approx 11:30pm. We were in the garage again. She was on about me having to want to stay, not just responding to being pushed. I had to REALLY want to stay.

I said "I already said yes. I already gave in. You get what you want. You have your way. I'm staying. What more do you want from me? My soul? Because you can have that too, if you'll just stop."

She said "No, I just have to know that you REALLY want to stay."

I lost it.

I kicked the tire on her car several times - somewhere in me I was concerned about damaging her hubcap (yes, I'm a little uptight). I wheeled around - there was the wall. The garage is drywalled inside.

I hit it. I hit it again. I hit it again. I hit it again. I hit it again. I hit it again.

I don't know how many times I hit the wall. It was pretty much destroyed - nothing left between the studs. My hand was bleeding.

She stood and looked.

She said "I didn't realise you were that angry at me."

I said "No matter what the issue is, your methods remain the same you pressure, pressure, pressure until I give. And then you pressure me to BELIEVE what you want as well. I can't cope. I can't do this anymore."

I looked at the wall and began to pull the remaining wallboard off so the holes wouldn't be so obvious. I said "You need to feed the dog right now so that [son] doesn't see this. He doesn't need to see this as an emotional response. It's not appropriate."

I got a pry bar and pulled the remaining parts off. I said we need to come up with a cover story as to what happened to the wall.

The door opened. Daughter looks out. She says "Were you banging on the door? I thought you were locked out."

Thinking fast (and pretty well for my chaotic state of mind) I say sorry for the noise and tell her we saw a wasp coming out of the crack in the drywall and were worried there was a wasp nest in the wall in the garage (we have had wasp nests in our shed each of the last three years, and once a bee's nest in the attic of the garage). She looks at us and says "OK. I just thought you wanted inside and forgot your keys."

We sent her off to bed. I had kept my bleeding hand hidden. I don't know if she bought it, but it was plausible enough for the moment.

She went to bed.

I told Mrs_C I had to go. I had to clean my hand and get a bandage. I said I'd be back, but I had to go.

I left.

I went to my parents house (approx 11:50pm). I phoned first so I wouldn't be barging in. I asked my Dad to get out some alcohol or astringent - he wanted to know what happened. I said I had a cut. I'd be there soon.

I cleaned my hand when I got there. I was worried I had broken it. My shoulder hurt like hell from the impacts as well.

They told me I shouldn't be driving. That I shouldn't go back that night. That I needed to sleep.

They were correct.

I called Mrs_C to say I wasn't coming back that night.

She kept saying "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry"

I told her I had to sleep. I said it as many times as she said I'm sorry. I cut off the call, talked a little, and went to sleep.

Still going

There is relative peace now. Some jumpiness, but no acrimony.

Going out to buy boxes. It's all strangely surreal/unreal.

Mrs_C has come up with an idea that we could still live together but be more distant. A "no pressure" live together arrangement.

I have said that I don't think it will work, and that parting is the only option.

She is all very accomodating now - she's still thinking maybe I will fold, or agree to stay a "few more days". I still feel myself being sucked in toward agreeing - it would be so much easier (or would it? i think not). I can only think why wasn't she this accomodating before? If she had displayed any of the ability to be agreeable before, we wouldn't be here. Her ideas and language are exactly what I want to hear.

My Mom says "You know, it makes me think of how all these prisoners and convicts suddenly learn all the right things to say to get past a judge or a parol board. All that contrition, all that sorrow, all those right words."

----

Mrs_C and I have been discussing counselling for us and the kids.

I'm very tired and the words are not coming to me, so that's all I'm going to type.

How does this work?

Those of you who have been through the divorce/splitting thing:

How does this work? How do you go about packing your shit and walking out the door?

That's all I can think of. I don't want to pack up around the kids - they have enough moments of drama to deal with. So I'm just thinking I'll pack up when they are not around. I think I'll take Tuesday off and do most of it then.

I'm not sure how I will deal with the emotional pressure from Mrs_C between now and then - to stay.

I'm thinking I will sleep at my parents place. I can't endure another night like last night.

I'm so sore today - fibromyalgia pain so bad I could scream. Mrs_C wheedling and working me hard to stay (even just a few days... she says), saying she can prove she'll change. Daughter alternating crying and brave. Son taciturn. Little sleep. Jaw and head about to explode, and the fibromyalgia pain.

I hope it doesn't sound whiny to post the above paragraph. It's just pretty overwhelming.

This is the hardest thing ever - told her i was leaving - told the kids too

As above.

She's resisting with all the tricks in the book.

Daughter was quite upset - especially after Mrs_C did a particularly nasty piece of manipulation. I called her on it. Mrs_C fessed up and apologised.

Daughter was still upset.

My mom cut some chques on Thursday to pay the initial costs associated with getting the apartment and booking my daughter's summer classes,

Asked my Dad on Friday (before telling Mrs_C) "Is this the right thing to do?" His response "That is only, and can be only, your decision. I will not answer with an answer that can be used as the basis for a later decision... [pause] I will, however, tell you that your mother and I have no reservations what-so-ever about the decision you appear to have already made."

Yes, my Dad actually talks like that. That was my Dad at his emotional finest (or close to it).

I was going to wait until after the long weekend. One last weekend as a family. Kids and fireworks. All that.

On Friday I was going to drop son off and proceed to my appointment with the apartment people. Son didn't want to get out of the vehicle - wanted to go with me - wanted to know what my mission without him was. After some hassle I said "Do you really want to go with me for this? You may not like what you are about to find out."

He says "I can probably guess. And Mom is the person who would have a problem with it."

I fill out the paperwork. He asks when I'm telling her and daughter. I say "Maybe Monday, maybe Tuesday - after finalizing the apartment (credit checks, reference checks, employment verification, blah, blah). He says "What is the point of that? Then she'll be all having a happy weekend and BAM you hit her with that next week? She'll be all confused."

I thought for a short while and realised he was right. I told him that his thoughts were more morally sound than mine.

I told her last night. A blow by blow will be posted when I have the time and focus.

I am soooooo sleep deprived right now. I made the mistake of staying in the house overnight - there were circumstances with the kids that demanded I be around until about 2 am. Mrs_C says "Sleep here. I can leave you the other half of the bed. I don't hate you."

She woke me up about every 15 to 20 minutes by talking to me, putting her arm around me, squeezing me, et al. At around 6am she gets up and says she's going for a walk. About 6:40am she come back in and interupts my longest stretch of sleep to start pressuring me to get up and go for a walk with her.

I finally grouchily got up and went - assuming she wouldn't leave me alone otherwise. The walk turned out to be another arm twisting session.

She's out for coffee with her sister right now.

Thank God my father said what he did. I had made up my own mind, but knowing what he said anchored my resolve. I was so close to caving so many times.

Time to rouse the kids. They've got stuff to do.